Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Time To Create A New Sporting Event

This is a new millennium. Things have changed since the inception of our illustrious group of sports. Our athletes have gotten bigger, faster, and stronger. It takes more to entertain the people nowadays. Even the gladiator battles of old would not suffice to keep the majority of the public satisfied for longer than it takes to change the channel. I propose a change.

We need a new sport. I have devised one, an event that reflects the changes in our society and allows for stiffer competition and more entertaining television. No more of this pussy soccer or football. Even the UFC will pale in comparison. Times have changed; it is far past the moment when our sporting events should reflect that.

Teams will be comprised of convicts, gamers, and strippers. The arena will be a 30 acre plot, littered with broken glass, junked cars, and old neon signs. Hidden throughout will be various sharp and blunt objects, Molotov cocktails, vials of Anthrax, and nun chucks. There will also be an AK-47 randomly placed, rigged to a large hive of coke fed, pissed off, hyped up wasps.

The strippers and the convicts will be implanted with control chips. The gamers will be given high powered laptops and full control over one convict and one stripper each. It will almost play like a video game, with the strippers and convicts being controlled by the gamers using specific programs placed on the laptops, with a very sharp difference. The gamers, like the convicts and the strippers, will be placed in the same arena as the others and also be susceptible to attack.

For every convict that goes down, a random pack of wild animals injected with rabies will be released into the arena. When a stripper goes down, random explosives will be set off. For every gamer who is eaten, stabbed, or otherwise incapacitated, two members of a South American cannibal tribe will be given spears and let loose.

Along with the basic rules, the following perils will be added; disgruntled roofers hanging out of helicopters firing nail guns at whoever they see, random poisoned food everywhere after contestants are starved for a week prior, every piece of metal will be painted red and every third one will be heated to the color red, no shoes, no shirts, no belts, and companys will be given the option of buying hidden land mines and commercials will only be shown when a contestant is blown to pieces by one of them.

Seventeen competitors from each position (gamers, strippers, and convicts) will be involved in every match. Once a player has died, his or her DNA will be used to clone them so they can continue the season. The season will be two years, with three weeks off. Journalists will be allowed to cover each match only if they can survive in the arena for the duration. Matches will go on as long as they have to.

There are three rules: Having sex with dead strippers is disallowed, working together is limited to fighting off wild animals, and only the last team standing is declared the winner. Cameras will be placed throughout the arena and feeds provided on the internet and public access television for free. The viewer will control their own experience with the ability to change cameras at will. When it is possible that a kill is about to take place, all cameras will be auto switched to that area.

Forget arguing over soccer and football and which is better, they are both full of pansies compared to the participants in the arena.



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