Tuesday, October 10, 2006

My Plan To Take Over The World

Indeed, good people of ShoutWire, the rumors are true. I have finally gone shit nuts and devised a plan to take over the world. If it succeeds there will be good times and laughter to be had by all. If it fails, however, I do have it on good authority that I am a jackass, so that really doesn’t matter.

The first part of my sinister plan will involve the church recognizing me as the Anti-Christ. To convince them I will buy a locust farm and attack stuff with it. This idea will work in no time. Once they agree that I am the evil one, they will be forced to help me gain power to fulfill their own prophecies. Apart from the fact that this scenario is next to impossible, this part of the plan is otherwise flawless.

Once the religious nuts have got my back, I will shoot for the next best demographic; strippers. I will campaign tirelessly for better wages, more popular DJ’s, and bigger tits. I mean bigger tips. Every stripper in the world will have a friend in xxoozero. Where ever a girl needs an extra buck, I’ll be there to put it in her panties.

After I have won over the tit-shakers of the world, I will set my sights on the nerds. I will use the strippers and my vast knowledge of comic book characters to convince them to work for me. We will run the internet like the imperial empire. We will even have the cool theme music. Eventually there will be so many of us that Bill Gates will either have to join us or die.

Once I have amassed my army of strippers, nerds, and Christians, we will storm the beaches of France. If we leave here around 7:30, we should have control of the capital by 9 at the latest. The Eiffel Tower will be used as a pawn to offer to Chuck Norris in exchange for coming over to our side. It will be a package deal. We will also get Charles Barkley and 5th round draft pick.

The next step is to kidnap David Hasslehof. Screw the Germans, they will either join the team for the big win or see their hero dipped head first into a crowd of disgruntled Knight Rider fans with baseball bats and a long lasting grudge. The rest of Europe will soon be forced to follow when we threaten to let Bush have France.

We will then all dress like pirates and take control of every coastal city in the western hemisphere with promises of free Captain Morgan’s Rum with little umbrellas and just the right mix of coke served by strippers dressed like Catholic schoolgirls. Not even the ladies can resist that kind of party.

From there we will move inland in large drunken caravans of old El Caminos and drop top Corvettes. We will erect a Jolly Roger at the entrance to every city we rampage through until we claim the entire countryside for our wicked cause. No barroom, pool hall, or professional sports stadium will be left undefiled.

In the end, when the dust has all settled, the entire world will be under the control of yours truly. South America and China will join me after I threaten them with harsh words and the ever popular “time out”. The Russians will be so drunk off the free vodka I send them that they won’t care who is running their country. It is all too perfect. The only thing that can stop me now is probability and my own common sense.

The fact that the last few paragraphs were ever made public is proof that the latter does not exist.


No comments: