Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The ShoutWire Entertainment Report

A funny story; we once had a chick editor on this site who attempted to write an entertainment report. Not only did no one care, but the people here called her enough bad names that she quit. Yes, good citizens of ShoutWire, you made a girl cry and go home. To make a long story short, I am not her. I care about the popularity of the Hollywood crowd even less than you do. However, that does not mean that they do not sometimes do things that might entertain us in some strange and sick way, so here goes nothing. Welcome to the ShoutWire Entertainment Report.

We will start off with Anna Nichole, who has recently been in the news for murdering her son hours after giving birth to his replacement and then marrying her lawyer. The first question I would like to ask, and the question that is on everyone’s lips, is simply what the fuck does this bitch do? She was in Playboy once and married an old man for his money. She then got really fat and did some stupid reality show. That’s all fine and good, but what does she do now? Sit on her ass, eat Twinkies, and get pregnant? Why is this cunt still in the news?

While it is true most of the entertainment writers in this world usually report on crap stories such as Anna “fatty” Nichole Smith, often one does find a gem amongst the trash bins. Robert Downey Jr, everyone’s favorite cokehead, announced last week that he will be suiting up as the great Iron Man for the latest raping of a decent Marvel Comic. Robert, a word of advice from the pirate ninjas; you better not fuck up Tony Stark. Play him real, as a hard drinker and womanizer. If you do not, we swear the sharks will be eating Downey chum by sunset.

In other news, an interview was done with Martin Laurence and some chick earlier this week on some new movie no one cares about yet. He said some stuff that wasn’t funny. I miss the old days, when he was telling Gina to “Get to stepping” and Brother Man was breaking in his window to make himself a sammich. Now, what happened to quality like that? This interview would have been twenty times better had it featured Brother Man and Cole arguing over who fucked Pam first.

On the fucked up and ridiculous side of Hollywood this week, Michael Jackson finally settled his custody battle with his estranged ex-wife this week. What judge in his right mind would give that sick son of a bitch custody of kids? On the fucked up and ridiculous side of the news, I guess there are judges who would. This just goes to show that all you need is a few hit records and not only will the establishment get you off the child molestation charges, but they will also give you a few kids for your own personal amusement. I’m far from a religious man, but in this situation I hope there is a Hell for everyone involved.

One last thing for the single guys in the crowd, and those whose girlfriends are down for threesomes, Eva Longoria has broken up with Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs. To be fair, none of us would give two shits about this except for the fact that she is pretty hot and we all like to think she would sleep with us if she only got to know us. Besides, I needed an excuse to use her picture on this article.

Ok, I’m done now. If you haven’t, everyone out there reading find “City Of God’ and watch it repeatedly. It is the kind of movie that doesn’t feature any of the asshole stars that would be listed in this report and instead gets by on a really good storyline.



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