Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Headlines Of The Future

What if we woke up one day to a world where everyone was inspired to tell the truth? It is a crazy idea which would shake this Earth to its very foundations. Your wife might break down and tell you exactly what happened that drunken night back in college. You might get a call from your mother explaining to you the real reason your coach used to come over to practice with you every night. Usually when the truth is kept from you it is something you didn’t want to know in the first place. Try hacking into one of your ex's e-mail accounts and you will find out exactly what I mean.

While everyone’s personal lives may get turned upside down and inside out, imagine the headlines we would see in the press. Strictly for entertainment purposes, I have put together a collection of what these headlines might look like. I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoyed putting them together.

Bush Admits Bin Laden Connection
Washington, DC- In a hastily called press conference today, President Bush admitted that Osama Bin Laden was caught over six years ago and has been living in the white house basement this whole time in the guise of one Dick Cheney, who himself has been dead for over 20 years. “To be fair, I would have never let him move in if he didn’t bring the cocaine…”

Bonds: I Eat Them For Breakfast
San Francisco- Giants slugger and soon-to-be all time home run leader Barry Bonds admitted to steroid use today in a shocking revelation to his fans. “I like to chew them in pill form with my cheerios,” the slugger told the press after a 2-1 Giants loss to the Dodgers, “I actually have a needle sticking in my ass right now…”

AOL: “Yes, We Do Suck”
Internet- In a statement posted on their website today, the owners and operators of America Online have confirmed that all the programs they install on your computer are completely useless. “We will be changing our slogan,” a company spokesman said earlier today “From now on, it will be “AOL, when you just can’t get enough spy ware by looking at porn…”

Ashlee Simpson Camp Admits To No Talent
Hollywood- A spokeswoman for the young pop singer confirmed what people around the world have always known. “Actual talent has no place in the music industry,” the camp told the press this morning, “We get paid whether the “music” is good or not and it is just a bonus that we can get your daughters to dress like whores in the process…”

MPAA: Same Screenplay For Decades
Hollywood- “There hasn’t been an original screenplay since ‘Casablanca”, a spokesman for the Motion Picture Association of America said earlier. “We have simply changed the actors and renamed the same film for the past 40 years…”

Bill Gates Convicted Of Murder
Oregon- The founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, was arrested today after revealing what really happened to the people who made fun of him in high school. Police discovered the heads of seventeen men and one woman impaled on sticks in the computer mogul’s basement earlier today after an announcement by the Microsoft chief…

Hillary Admits To Her Own Affair
Arkansas- Former first lady and future presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, came clean today about an affair with Ellen DeGeneres of TV’s “Ellen” during the time of her husband’s sex scandal in the White House. “She was much better than Bill…”

Vatican: It Was All A Lie To Sell T-Shirts
Rome- In a stunning revelation today out of Rome, the Pope not only admitted that he still wore his old Nazi uniform to take baths in, he also revealed that Jesus was actually a wizard from another planet sent to steal our women and rule over our fashion industry…

Masterminds Behind The War In Iraq Revealed
Texas- CEO’s of eleven major oil companies released a statement today…

DEA: We Have Been Keeping All The Drugs For Ourselves
Washington, DC- “We have been having the greatest parties for the last thirty five years…”



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