After two weeks of complete and total silence, a sound was finally heard. This particular sound was akin to a million lighters firing up all at once. Then, a moment of hesitation followed by millions and millions of what seemed like people coughing. Yes, the crop report has returned.
Trying to explain where I have been in the past two weeks would be near impossible given my previous state of mind and no one would believe me anyways. It may be hard for some of us to believe, but there are still places in this world where accessing the internet is next to impossible. I know, it is deplorable, and someday I will write something horrible about it, but for now let’s just get on with the crop report.
Let’s start out in Japan, where their technology may be more advanced than ours but their buds are downright expensive. Sources report that grams are going for 50$ US on the tiny island of Sony. The quality is unknown, but at those prices it had better be damn good. Everyone take a moment out to take a big hit for our Japanese brothers and sisters who are going without tonight because they don’t live in Jamaica.
From expensive to cheap, we now travel back to the good old USA. New Mexico, the state of my birth, is reporting prices are at an all time low. Not only that, but they actually got hash for 25$ to 35$ a gram. Here and I thought the only thing in that state was a bunch of my Mexican cousins and the hospital I was born in. Quality dank is going for 100$ a quarter, which is normal, but shwagg is going for as little as 15$ an ounce. No wonder my mom moved out that way 4 years ago without saying a word to anyone. Mom, if you’re reading this, (and she would be), I might need to crash on your couch for a while, just to test out my sources.
We are now going to go halfway across the country to Ohio, home of the Cleveland Browns football franchise. There was a time when it wasn’t, thanks to Baltimore. Browns fans know what I’m talking about. They are paying as much as 130$ an ounce for shwagg. Ounces of dank are 280$-350$. The standard 50$ an 1/8 applies here for the nuggets as well. Sources say weed is always readily available.
From halfway across the country, we now head halfway across the world, to Italy. Never buy weed from a heroin junky in Italy, it will be crap. Or maybe it is the other way around; one can never be quite sure. It is a sick game, this weed buying stuff. Anyways, you can get some nice hash for ten Euros a gram, which is 280 Euros an ounce. I have been told that it is hard to find weed until late summer and it is mostly hash that goes around.
Finally, no crop report is complete without the frozen, stoned land to the north being included. Montreal prices are said to be holding steady at 130$ to 160$ an ounce depending on who you know. There was also talk of White Widow making its rounds in the former home of a decent baseball team (Rest In Peace, Expos!!)
That’s all for this week, hopefully I won’t run into anymore wild strippers or 720 errors and can bring the next edition of this report to you in seven days. Also, if you are not sick of me already, check out my new radio show debuting on CautionRadio.net Tuesday after next at 7pm eastern. There will be plenty of devil music, blasphemy, and the sacrificing of virgins, kind of like the anti-church. In other words, fun for all.
Don’t forget the email address, firstname.lastname@example.org. All tips are anonymous, as always.