1. Your girlfriend left you
This is the best reason to drink. The only way to get over having your heart ripped out and torn to pieces then set on fire and left in an alley is to drown yourself in alcoholic beverages until you forget your own name, let alone what your now ex girlfriend told you two days ago. This also works if a buddy’s girlfriend leaves him.
2. It is Tuesday
This is the second best reason to drink. Any other weekday can be inserted. It is a statement declaring that you will not conform to society’s unfounded rules of only drinking on the weekends. Be your own person. Don’t be a sheep.
3. Someone dies
It could be a friend, celebrity, or just some random historical figure. Anytime anyone who is not with us anymore is even mentioned, a drink is called for. Your friend has to do a report on Napoleon? Tip a few domestics to the old dead French fuck.
4. A sports team somewhere wins something
Every day of the year, a sporting event happens and one team wins and some guys somewhere get drunk in triumph. Some other guys get drunk in defeat. Choose whichever side has the hottest women.
5. It is free
If a man offers you an alcoholic beverage without asking for compensation and you do not accept, you are a right foul git. Even if you don’t drink it all it is good manners to accept. If you are a girl and you are not going to sleep with him, drink it because you know you were going to anyways.
6. It is hot/cold/snowing/raining/nice outside
If it is cold, you will need a whiskey to warm up with. If it is hot, you will need a beer to cool off with. If it is nice, you will need both to enjoy the weather. This covers the entire spectrum of outdoor conditions.
7. You haven’t seen a friend since last week
It could be a week, years, or even a few hours. Just the fact that someone was gone and they came back is reason enough to get drunk as all shit and reminisce on the old days, even if that was only this morning.
8. It is past noon
Only an alcoholic drinks before noon unless he is still up from the night before. Even guys who drink all day tend to wait until at least after 12. Biff Tannen was the lone exception because sometimes he had to do his killing before breakfast.
9. Because beer commercials do come true
“But zero, they never happen to me…” That’s because you’re drinking Bud Light. Try something that doesn’t taste like water.