Tuesday, October 10, 2006

How I Kicked The Ass Of Tom Cruise

It was late, and I had already been all over the world. I had actually given up all hope of finding Mr. Cruise and was on my way home. I decided to stop in at a small bar just west of Vail to have one last shot of whiskey and maybe a beer before making the drive down the freeway back to Denver. There was a pirate flag waving in the cold mountain air just outside the place so I figured it was friendly.

I was wrong. It was a setup.

At first nothing was out of the ordinary. The folks were dirty and the whiskey was strong. I settled in at the bar next to an old gruff looking man who looked like he might have a story or two to tell in hopes of making the time go by in a pleasant way. He looked like the kind of guy who would shoot off a couple of nice yarns about the war after a couple of shots and a free beer. He smiled at me in a way that reminded me of something, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then, strange things started to happen all around us.

The large bouncer who was sitting quietly at the entrance got up all of a sudden and locked the doors as if they were closing. It was then that I took a closer look at my surroundings. I quickly realized these were not the nice Colorado small town folk portrayed in South Park every night at 11. These people looked more like the assholes I left back in California when I vacated that hellhole 10 years ago. Then, the old man started freaking out.

It was like that scene from Total Recall, you know, the one where Arnold breaks out of the old lady disguise. Except it wasn’t our greatest action hero that popped out of the clever and expensive mask. It was none other than Tom Cruise himself, and he had a look that could freeze boiling water on his ugly yet determined mug. The next thing I knew, I was flanked on either side by large Samoan gentlemen with blank expressions on their faces. I tried to get up, but they would not let me leave.

“I read your article and know of your quest to destroy me,” said Tom coldly “Well; it seems you have found me, Mr. Zero.” I quickly reached for my cell phone, in hopes of calling the cavalry to come in and rescue me. There was no service. Tom shot me a cockeyed grin. “Problem?”

“No problem.” I said in a cool voice as I settled back down on the barstool and took the shot I had in front of me. “No problem at all, I have been looking forward to this.” Tom began to look uneasy. He knew I had an ace up my sleeve. Little did he know I had a whole deck of aces.

“Katie sold you out, brother,” I said with Sean Connery-like accent “she fell in love with one of the pirate ninjas at a party last week. I was notified of the situation five minutes before I walked in here. You didn’t think the pirate flag was all that clever, did you?” Tom was stunned. I guess he did think the pirate flag was clever. His voice became broken and fearful as he ordered the bodyguards on either side of me. “Seize him!” he screamed. The command fell on deaf ears. They simply looked at me and smiled while they backed off slowly.

The next thing Tom knew he tasted an empty beer bottle to the side of his face. He went down quicker than Leon Sphinx in a Tyson title fight. Then I felt a shot to my nuts. Only a pussy would try to hit a man in the nuts. Luckily, football season had just begun and I was wearing my protective cup.

“Trying to attack zero below the belt like a true candy ass?” I said as the group of fifteen pirate ninjas that had infiltrated the church of Scientology since the beginning of last year formed a circle around us. “You know the rules Tom,” said the man with the eye patch who was posing as the bartender, “This is your first night at fight club.” I was already in the corner, removing my shoes, shirt, and belt.

The ass whuppin he received that night was arguably worse than the one MI:3 took at the box office last summer. When we finally opened the door to let him leave, he vowed revenge on pirate ninjas everywhere. “You may have won this round, double-o zero, but the war is far from over!”

“You are right, Tom,” I shot back with a smirk “but this day, the pirate ninjas prevail.” And with that, it was over. I returned home, rolled up a fat joint, and watched the Bronco’s beat the hell out of the Patriots. Now, I return to ShoutWire.

To tell people stuff that isn’t news.



MulberryNews said...

It definitely is incredibly a good hji0vll deal fascinating while these Oakley Sunglasses Cheap nearly as bad as clothing, has handled to create their technique to Half X Oakley most future buyers employing Cargo Oakley Sunglasses Discount skinny jeans too while canine tickets. To come to be fairer, these Sale Oakley Sunglasses have handled to be with airfare market Oakley Sunglasses Outlet appropriate soon after the growth of shown Oakley Jawbone. Most with more excellent constructed Oakley Stpl Jawbone have earned a substantial amount name not as a result of to your current styles except for mystique, fame and Half X admiration.

MulberryNews said...

Summer is usually returning vftbieg along with Oakley Sunglasses Cheap comes a little of completely new Half X Oakley styles. most likely 1 from by far the most Oakley Sunglasses Discount pleasant items on the summer time will be to arranging ones closet by building some on the newest ways. even however Sale Oakley Sunglasses the main to trendy ways Oakley Jawbone has almost nothing to including what correctly is brand-new, such a manufacturer completely new Oakley Stpl Jawbone model inclinations basically spin clear of as they're in vogue. summer time period Half X might be no exclusion in that way. So much the new Oakley Sunglasses Outlet fashions have concerns, larger is considerably more preferred evidently.

MulberryNews said...

If you love mineral water vytrqpn athletics, you also will check out getting some Oakley Frogskins. These kind of musician Oakley Frogskin are generally exclusively devised for significant mineral water circumstances. Your anatomist regarding your design and style through the Cheap Oakley Sunglasses is around enabling you to discover superior with all the branded Say 300 along with 500 Oakley Jawbone. This doesn't happen ought to price tag anyone the supply including a knee to get Oakley Jawbones. whilst you keep in an authorized online vendor, you can find the most affordable selling price Oakley sunglasses.

MulberryNews said...

If we recommend to vbaghnm the large explanation, virtually almost any gentleman will certainly consider through the Oakley Sunglasses Cheap tv that is developed to present large solution Half X Oakley photograph with all the electric indication strategy inserted. although this means involving Oakley Sunglasses Discount or maybe your generation treatment involving Sale Oakley Sunglasses are generally a bit distinct. Your Oakley Jawbone are generally developed using amber-tinted Oakley Stpl Jawbone lens, receiving the intention of filtering Half X out and about your orange lighting effects while using variety, for that reason to further Oakley Sunglasses Outlet improve the full shade vividness.

Half X Oakley said...

You may want to track vgebhty down nicely made Oakley Sunglasses Cheap using excellent skiing conditions helmets Half X Oakley for you to supplement his or her sporty search. There exists merely one Oakley Sunglasses Discount pertaining to shopper decide on as part of your past Sale Oakley Sunglasses ages. Effectively, the idea tend not to visual appeal that will desired somehow. Nevertheless Oakley Jawbone right now, customers employ a a lot superior alternative: Oakley Stpl Jawbone. Half X while their concept demonstrates could make the thing is that evident though preserving way up your current sight via Oakley Sunglasses Outlet highly effective sun rays.