Tuesday, October 10, 2006

ShoutWire Declares War!

This is nothing less than a declaration of war.

The people of SW, including all 40,000+ members, have undemocratically elected me as their leader. My first order of business is to take us to war. As far as I know, this has never been done before. A website has never declared war on a country. Sure, many of us won’t make it back, and that’s because many of us will never get off our computers to fight. We are just that lazy. We are the type to declare war and not show up.

Who will be our enemy in this historic endeavor? Ah, good thing you asked. I happen to have a list of infidels right here in front of me…

First on the list are the people of Monaco. All 31,000 of them. Our demands? Naked pictures of their princess. We have them by nearly 10,000 people. We could storm their beaches right now and they would have no choice but to give up or shoot at us. Seeing as how I know at least two staff members have more guns than the Israelis and like to shoot stuff, it is a good bet they won’t even get two shots off. Beware, government of Monaco, the people of SW will show no mercy on your munchies stash.

Next we have the small country known as the Pitcaim Islands. This country is so obscure that Microsoft word doesn’t even recognize its name. They have all of 47 people. More people can be seen in our comments section than their entire population. Recently, one of their citizens has been seen outside the country buying fruit. We will not allow their aggression to go unchecked.

Then we have France. No one likes them anyways. Wait, wait, this just in. Ten seconds after I wrote that sentence, the French government has declared their surrender. This means we can now boss French people around. Get me some coffee, Pierre, and make it snappy or we will paint the Eiffel tower neon green and make your women shave their pits.

We will then go to war with “Ze Germans”. We are only doing this because everyone else has and we would feel left out if we didn’t have at least one war with them. We will invade seeing as how they got beer and brats. Instead of guns, we will bring charcoal and frosted mugs. Let it be known now that if they can’t provide sufficient lighter fluid, there will be hell to be paid!

We will then declare war on Israel and Lebanon. Seeing as how we do not have anything to bomb, we win by default. I know, we have a lot of Israeli and Lebanese members, and they will be spared and given free boobies to comfort them after their respective countries are beaten. We are not animals.

The final country isn’t really a country at all. Scientology, feel our wrath. We will roam the land in traveling bands of internet users making fun of these guys and sleeping with their women. This could be the most grueling part of our war on the world. Many will suffer, some will get STD’s. However, we must persevere. Women like Katie Holmes are counting on us to save them from the cult leaders. If we let them down, we’re only letting down ourselves.

Gear up, fellas. It is time to rock.



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