Tuesday, October 10, 2006

My Plan To Fix The World

This country is fucked. Yes, I said it. Fucked. The ideals we once stood for have been tossed aside as of late in the name of fear and war mongering. We are no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave. Instead, we have become a people enslaved to invisible terrorists and a home to the worst leaders in the world. It has gotten to the point where it is hard to even know where to start fixing things.

Well, I got a few ideas. I am not a politician, as you will no doubt be able to tell from my responses to our current problems, but I am a citizen of the United States that is protected by the free speech clause in our constitution. That will be an important point to remember when you are finished reading the ideas in this editorial.

The first thing we would need to do is tar and feather George Bush and the rest of his wicked administration. Run them down the railroad tracks all the way to Mexico. Brand them with an “X” on their backside so they can never come back.

Then, we build a huge wall to keep them and the illegal immigrants out. We will make it electrical; anyone trying to climb it will get the piss shocked out of them. It will serve two purposes; it will keep the Bush administration in Mexico and all the would-be illegals out of the U.S. The ones that are here already will just have to stay. They will be forced to learn English and watch football. No one is permitted to go over that fence, god damn it - no one.

We then need to pull all our troops out of Iraq. They have been in the desert for far too long. We will send them to invade Hawaii. It has nice tropical beaches and the natives won’t put up much of a fight. It would go down as the first invasion in history where there was fun to be had by all.

After that we will take every SUV that doesn’t have mud on the tires and burn it. Starbucks will be forbidden from charging more than a buck for a cup of coffee and Fight Club will be made the official national movie of America alongside the Band Of Brothers series that HBO made a while back.

Our new president will be Mohamed Ali. Sure, he is old, and probably dead, but he ruled the ring like no other. None of us can deny that. Our vice-president will be the guy who plays Red Foreman on “That 70’s Show”. I’m not sure of his experience in politics, but he was pretty funny on the show, and that is good enough for me.

Congress will be comprised of the internet. We will have a website or something we can all go to and vote on new laws and such. We will let the rest of the world vote to, so if something goes wrong they can’t just blame us. Hell, use ShoutWire as a model and whatever laws get the most “Shouts” go into effect immediately. All competitors of ShoutWire would cry in the corner, but we would give them a tissue. For Christ's sake, we are not barbarians.

A few other things; legalizing marijuana, prostitution, and gambling. And somebody please let Snoop play in Vegas. Doggystyle was decent. He has earned it.

In the end if everyone followed my plan, the whole world would probably fucking blow up, but you have to ask yourself, is that really such a bad alternative to what is going on right now? At least my way is fun.


No comments: