Strange things are going on all around us. Wasps building gigantic nests in Alabama, Psycho raccoons attacking Olympia, and squirrels handing out beat downs all over the world. The signs are everywhere, but no one is paying attention.
Are the animals planning a terrorist attack?
All signs point to the fact that various creatures in nature are gearing up for something big. Over the past hundred or so years, they have strategically placed themselves in our national and city parks, urban and suburban neighborhoods, schoolyards, playgrounds, and empty fields everywhere. They have meticulously infiltrated every aspect of our society causing little to no attention.
They have begun with small strikes and silent surveillance. They work through an elaborate system of interspecies communication with codes that are impossible for even our best cryptologist to crack. Have you seen the fly on the wall during your last secret ninja meetings? Noticing more crabs on the beach while your pirate crew is planning their next raid? They know what we are doing at all times. No place is safe.
It is painfully obvious that something foul is going on. We can only speculate which evil species is behind it all. Could it be the dolphins? They have never quite gotten over the fact that Flipper was canceled without notice. Maybe it is the cockroaches? They are virtually indestructible and have ceased to need humans anymore. It could even be the final wooly mammoth backing the insurgency from hiding. Scientists have recently made some noise about bringing that species back, one has to ask under whose influence they were working.
We know it is coming, but will we be ready when it finally does? They have us in numbers many times over. We have the technology, but will that be enough? Some may believe the key will be finding this rumored wooly mammoth character while others will take the “Kill Them All” approach. We definitely have experience; most of us have been killing animals in one way or the other since we were wee lads. But can we handle an all out attack?
While the majority of these terrorists are small and insignificant, some of them are huge and will bite a human in half. Ever been chased by a rhino? We may have to nuke the rain forests, gas the zoos, and outlaw pet stores. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We must also keep a close eye on the plants; we can not be sure exactly whose side they are on. Are they part of the threat as well? Can we trust our chronic? Things may get very serious for us if the houseplants and various species of hallucinogens join the animal revolution. They could very well be a deciding factor in the outcome of the coming conflict.
One last thing: Strippers are not dancers; they are whores. It should be illegal for strippers to call themselves dancers.