Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Ten Simple Rules For Internet Survival

1. Spelling. I know, not everyone can be grammatically correct at all times, and that is cool; however, spell check was created for a reason. That reason is so the rest of us can understand what the hell it is you are rambling on about. All you have to do is take five seconds out of your time, open up a word document, copy and paste, and look for red lines. Amazing what computers can do nowadays, isn’t it?

2. If anyone sends you an email telling you they are a prince of some obscure country in Africa, they are lying. Princes do not send emails to random folks offering them millions of dollars. It just does not happen. Not even in happy fun candy land.

3. Girls do not randomly ask people in chat rooms to view their webcams. Do not think you are special. Those are what we refer to as “bots”. All you are going to get for your credit card number is a film of some whore touching her boobs that has been looped over. You are better off spending your money on a real prostitute. At least then you aren’t just whacking off. Don’t be ashamed, our forefathers did it regularly.

4. Random trolling and flaming does not make you look cool. It makes you look like an attention seeking fucktard, and rightly so. Do us all a favor, if your mom didn’t cuddle you enough when you were a baby, go see a fucking psychiatrist and stay away from the internet.

5. All caps. Please stop. For the love of fucking god, please stop. It makes you look like a childish, overbearing, son-of-a-bitch who everyone wants to kill.

6. Email flame wars are pointless. No one ever wins and no one ever changes their minds. If you are a thirteen year old Christian girl who reads an anti religion article, please do not email the author to “chat”. It is a good bet that he hates people like you and would rather stick hot pokers up his arse than listen to your uneducated banter on how if he does not change his ways, he will go to hell.

7. People who leave social websites and make a drama out of it. Frankly, none of us gives a fuck if your feelings were hurt. The internet is not a place for soccer moms to get together and play nice with each other. You can fuck off with that shit right now. This is a free for all and if you can’t take an insult with a grain of salt, you probably belong elsewhere.

8. Talking like a 12 year old hoodlum makes you look foolish. It is ok to use slang at times, but let’s not try to sound like Easy fucking E in every post we make. Sure, not all of us are from the suburbs, but we all did take Basic English in high school. They made us do that for a reason. It does not make you seem cool nor will it make us fear you. Most likely, we will all just end up having a good laugh at your expense.

9. Google is your friend. Ask a stupid question and you will get a stupid answer. It takes two fucking seconds to Google something and come up with the right answer. If you are that lazy that you can’t move the mouse a few inches and type in a search query, it occurs to me that you do not deserve to know anything. You have a wealth of information at your fingertips, use it for Christ sakes.

10. You should never have to pay for any program, movie, or song. Ever. If you are complaining about a piece of software you paid way too much for, save it for your Friday night group therapy session. You should have just pirated it like the rest of us. Fools.


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