The image you see to the right is the first page of what is supposedly the most important document in the world. At least according to Scientologists. The going rate for reaching the level of idiocy in the church to be able to view this document (and the 20 other pages that follow it) is close to 300,000$. It is said in their doctrine that simply by viewing this page, you might not be able to handle it and could possibly die. If anyone does happen to have their head explode because the knowledge contained within these chicken scratchings was just too much for their feeble mind, I take full responsibility.
This image will probably only be up for as long as it takes for the scientologists to find it and contact our developers over the copyright they hold on this document, even though it is not hosted by us. Something like this will probably get me a spot on their blacklist. By their own leader’s writings, they are known and obligated to attack those who do not agree with them.
This is an excerpt from a secret scientology document released in 1969: “It is wise to challenge such adverse commentators as routine procedures. A call by a local "housewives committee", etc. as to why they are hostile to human rights or in favor of psychiatric butchery and getting them in the press with it and with no mention of us is good PRO.”
I doubt Mr. Hubbard knew who he would be fucking with when he wrote that. I am Zero; Tom Cruise, fuck off. Try me. Bring it. Do your best to discredit me and make me disappear. It won’t happen. My readers don’t give two shits about you or your stupid religion. They feel the same way as I do about your cockamamie, bullshit story that you have tried to pass off as a religion for the past 50 years.
As a matter of fact, I wonder how they would like a taste of their own medicine. That’s right, I wonder how they would like the dirty tactics they use on otherwise respectable journalists who try to expose their bullshit used on them? Email floods maybe? DD0s attacks? Maybe just a bunch of us showing up at their stupid churches and kicking some ass?
That’s all illegal, and I could never advocate illegal activities. I have a better idea. I herby challenge Tom Cruise to a boxing match. Yes Tom, I am saying I can kick your ass and I don’t need three rounds to do it in. You will be begging for the towel by the middle of round one. We’re about the same size, same weight and all that, it will be totally fair. If Tom beats me, I will never write again. Come on tom, unless of course you are a pussy…
Of course, I am just an insignificant internet writer. The people who read my work aren’t the kind who has tons of extra dough. They are like me, just normal people trying to make it in this fucked up world. Why would someone like Tom Cruise care what we think about him? Why would he give two shits about what a hack like me has to say?
First of all because him and his cronies are a violent religion. I count them worse than the Muslims or the Christians. Plus, he has the advantage. He has the money to buy the best training in the world. All I have is some guys I know that run a fight club every Monday at a bar here in Denver. Also, I smoke like a god damn locomotive. The Vegas odds makers will definitely have Tom in two. He is mission impossible, the last time I had a fight I was drunk two years ago.
He has the clear advantage. He supposedly has “god-like” powers from reaching the highest level of scientology. It would prove that his religion is right if he could devastate me with one punch. Little does he know, pirates don’t go down so easily. It didn’t have to be me, it could be any random dude on this site. But since I am the self proclaimed leader, I will fight the wars I declare on the front lines.
So, why would he agree to something like this? Because I am representative of the millions (and millions) of people who are not only dissing his stupid religion but also downloading his stupid movies for free. I stand at the front of the people he hates. Besides, I’m mocking his religion. I’m calling them all pansies!
As an under card, any of his fellow douchebags that want a piece can take on one of the random pirate ninjas that frequent this site. We will sweep the matches and prove that their god-like powers are crap used to sell t-shirts. Mr. Womp, our resident kicker of asses, has officially issued his own challenge for this editorial to John Travolta.
We declared war a while ago, now we have issued a challenge and await a response. A non response is the same as a victory for us. If we don’t get some kind of an answer in the next week, we will consider them yellow.
Not that we don’t already.
In closing, I would like to thank the good folks at tinyurl.com and xenu.net.