Tuesday, October 10, 2006

High Noon in Hollywood

Hollywood is mad as hell, and they aren’t going to take it anymore. They are coming out of the gates guns blazing like one of the old spaghetti westerns where the white-hated hero tracks down the bad guys and makes them pay for their crimes at high noon in the town square underneath the heat of the blazing sun. However, this time it seems they have underestimated their opponents. And who would that be, you may ask? The answer is as simple as taking a look in the mirror.

Anyone out there with a hard drive over 20 gigs is guilty of downloading a movie or two, or at least giving the idea some serious thought. And why not? With movie ticket prices skyrocketing like a horse with a fire lit under its ass, and popcorn becoming a luxury only the rich can afford, they are leaving those of us who work for a living little choice in the matter.

Columbia Pictures’ recently filed a civil suit against a Buffalo man for allegedly downloading one movie. "Defendant's conduct is causing ... (Columbia) great and irreparable injury that cannot fully be compensated or measured in money," the lawsuit stated in a ridiculously whining tone.

"With these lawsuits our message to Internet thieves becomes loud and clear _ you are not anonymous, we will find you, and you will be held responsible," the MPAA’s anti-piracy director, John Malcolm, regurgitated recently.

“Screw you John,” I was recently quoted as saying, “eat shit for making me pay 50 bucks to take my girlfriend and her roommate to see the crap that was ‘Sahara’”.

That was all a lie though, as I have no girlfriend and downloaded a bootlegged copy of “Sahara”. I’ll agree to settle out of court right now for $1.50, as that’s all that movie was really worth. My only other condition is that I am compensated for the two hours of my life that I wasted in watching Hollywood screw up one of Clive Cusslers’ great books at a rate of $1 per hour.

So, Mr. Malcolm, it seems you and your group of shitty actors owe me 50 cents. I expect to see a check in my mailbox tomorrow.


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