It was a dark and stormy night. Not really, it was actually a pretty nice day outside. The common misconception that nothing bad ever happens unless it is raining was about to be shattered, completely, totally, and utterly, by a single gunshot.
It was the day the greatest sportswriter of our time, and the most revered Gonzo journalist ever, Doctor Hunter S Thompson, was about to make his final curtain call.
The official story is suicide. He finally got sick of all the bullshit and put one last wild shot in the apex of his creativity. However, after late-night meetings with gin drunk ex-interns and back alley encounters with shifty-eyed go-betweens, I have uncovered the true story behind the good doctor's demise.
Old Hunter was on the verge of breaking the biggest story of his long and illustrious career. He had uncovered what is possibly the largest conspiracy known to man. It involved the most powerful people in the world and would take down the entire infrastructure of our society as we know it today.
It was all in his notebook... a notebook I have right here in front of me as I type these very words...
It starts with GW Bush, then president of the United States. In early 2000, he had a secret meeting with certain powerful figures... with the express intention to completely and totally control the events of the next 16 years.
Attending that meeting was Rupert Murdoch, Bill Gates, Dick Cheney, George Lucas, Michael Moore, Osama Bin Laden, General George Washington's wooden teeth, Abe Lincolns beard, the Olsen twins, Hillary Clinton's disgruntled ex-maid, and a young senator from Illinois going by the name of Barack Obama.
I know what your thinking. "God damn you, zero, for sucking me into another one of your bullshit tirades blah blah blah I hope you get raped by a horse!" Yeah, yeah, I have heard it all before. Suspend your disbelief and read on.
It was shortly after that meeting that the good Doctor was approached by several members of the New England Patriots offensive line, angered over the planned Super Bowl loss in 2008 to then snot nosed junior high punk Eli Manning. From there, he put together the pieces of the most sinister plot ever heard of, seen, or witnessed by hordes and gaggles of slackjawed yokels ever known in the history of man.
GW Bush was actually the alien Xenu, famed Scientology villain and Tom Cruise's arch-nemesis, disguised as a Texan. He would go to war with Iraq not for oil as some would believe, but to avenge the death of his alien brethren Jesus Christ, who was also a Jew. We all know Arabs hate Jews. This is also why Germany had such a rough time accepting old GW. After all these years the old genetic Juden radars still work.
Bill Gates was to ruin the entire internet with Windows ME, by making it crash every 5 minutes. This part of the plan was almost ruined when Ubuntu hit the scene, but since people are generally sheep and follow the latest trends like like lemmings jumping into the sea, he still had a way out. He was able to keep his part of the bargain by releasing Windows XP, which only wouldn't work sometimes.
Rupert Murdoch was easily able to make Fox News divert people from the truth with silly stories about 'internet hackers on steroids', while George Lucas had no problem making three Star Wars movies that suck. Michael Moore and Osama Bin Laden almost blew the whole thing when they were caught sleeping together, but that crisis was averted when the chick who caught them, Stephanie Myers, was awarded a lucrative book deal.
The Olsen twins of course had nothing to do with anything and were only at the meeting because George Washington's wooden teeth are kind of pedo. Abe Lincoln's beard did it's job perfectly, making us all jealous of its sweet, sweet, curly locks. Hillary Clinton's disgruntled ex-maid? You now know her as Sarah Palin.
Which brings us to the charismatic young senator from Illinois. It was he who showed up on Thompson's compound in Colorado that dark and dreary (Actually sunny and bright) fateful day. As the story was about to be broken he saw his future presidential hopes being slowly flushed down the toilet. It was his gun that took the life of the great Doctor Thompson.
Yes, I said it, Barack Obama Killed Doctor Hunter S Thompson. And on his way out, he killed Kenny too. That Bastard!
While nothing above is in the least bit factual, except I suspect the part about Sarah Palin, it is the way the good doctor would have wanted it. Some internet hack dredging up his death years after the occurrence to get some cheap, quick hits.
Here's to you, Doctor Thompson. We will never forget.
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