Tuesday, May 05, 2009

9 Sneaky Ways to Kill a Zombie

9 Sneaky Ways To Kill A Zombie

Killing zombie lists have been done before.  This is a more realistic listing of modern ways to destroy the hordes of undead that will soon be created by the swine flu.

1.  Marriage
We cover the most cruel first.  Introduce him to another zombie, who seems nice at first.  Then, as the years go by, he will slowly but surely wither away.  Things he once thought was fun, like eating brains, will become off-limits due to his new undead relationship.  Before you know it he won't even have the will to terrorize anymore and be sticking your rake in his head without you even having to lift it from the lawn.

2.  Take away his ipod
The original 'an hero' inducing maneuver, take away his apple-crack and watch his Myspace turn into a digital obituary overnight.  You also get the added joy of the lulz that occur when his zombie friends defend his horrible plight against the hordes of trolls by remembering him like he was the greatest thing since cable internet and streaming porn.  Which is a lie.  Nothing will ever be greater than that.   

3.  Give him control of Germany  
Then give him a big army, control of Europe, and a funny looking half mustache.  Make sure the Jews annoy him properly and the Russians hit him in his right flank and you won't even have to load the gun before he sticks it in his mouth.  Sixty years later, Germany will outlaw any mention of the word 'zombie' while Hans and Dieter still secretly eat brains when Israel isn't looking.  

4.  Second hand smoke 
According to the people who make laws about lighting a cigarette in a bar full of people who are already causing irrevocable damage to their livers, this is a sure way to see to it he is dead within MINUTES!  Maybe even SECONDS!  OMG everyone panic!  Bonus: he will also bitch incessantly about the fact that his clothes smell like the bar that he went out to of his own free will.  And you also get to smoke, which is awesome any day of the week. 

5.  Lupus
He will die for sure before the end of the episode without treatment, and as we all learned from the good doctor House, it is never Lupus.  While the black guy gives him medicine for lung cancer and the blond Australian runs tests for syphilis, he will surely get worse and worse until a commercial runs and we miss the whole god damn ending because we chose to buy a PSP instead of that new TiVo package.   

6.  7 straight days of online gaming
Take him to an internet cafe, sign him up with a WOW account, come back a week later, and BAM!  You're done for the day!

7.  A woman driver
A busy soccer mom with an SUV, a green walk signal, and the slowness of the zombies natural swagger is a sure fire recipe for zombie road kill.  Alternatively you can just give a chick the keys to a brand new car, make sure you don't have any insurance, and let her loose on the epidemic.  The last part is important: if it doesn't screw you in some way, she will somehow miss even the crowds of undead brain-eaters on the road in front of her.  

8.  Newfag cancer
Infect his favorite image board with multiple personal army requests, cam whores, and 'POST ENDING IN 34 GETS TO NAME MY CAT' threads.  Add to that a Fox News report and watch him rip his hair out in clumps of frustration as every trend-following teenager and internet fail troll screams once funny memes without a fucking clue what they actually mean or where the hell they started.  WARNING: There is a chance of recovery if he suddenly realizes the board was never good in the first place.  

9.  Bite him in his ass! 
Or in the arm, if you want to be a little less dramatic.  Doctors confirm that a human bite is more dangerous than that of even the dreaded rabid internet squirrel, our lord and master, Foamy.  Especially if you are a dirty hooker.  The game you lost.  And if you are a dirty hooker, and turn into a zombie yourself, and send me pics of your tits...  awesome.  Just awesome.


Linda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Linda said...

xD i just came back to view shout wire after a long time and i notice most of your post has gone missing, or unable to view, filter has been apply on my profile and i cant seem to turn it off =[ i tho you left shout wire since most of your articles are off limits to view =O lucky your still around :P shout wire boring with out yah xD

Jay said...

You need to update your House characters, they have a bisexual and a guy who looks like he should have been in Men In Black. Apart from that, well done.

ssdako said...

Good to see you didn't break rules 1 and 2.

Welcome back oldfag

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