Monday, May 25, 2009

The Best Movies To Fall Asleep Watching

2001: A Space Odyssey

It is unlikely you will make it past the monkeys.  The first part of this movie is drawn out as to not keep you on the edge of your seat, making it perfect for sleeping.  It also makes little sense if you aren't paying attention.  A monkey uses a bone to kill other monkeys?  And what is that huge penis-shaped thing they all keep crowding around?  Also, where is the dialog that isn't spoken in simian?  Questions like these and many others will help you hit dreamland before you know it.

Jason X

Nothing like long scenes in deep space, where nobody can hear you sleep, to help you hit the sack quicker than a handful of Ambien.  Sure, eventually action starts to happen... but not until Jason wakes up halfway through the movie to kill everyone.    By that time the waking world will be nothing but a distant memory to you.  Just make sure you keep the volume low as to not be awakened by a sudden jolt of horror music that rips you from your dreams of drunk naked nurses into a machete-fueled killing frenzy scene.

Lord of the Rings Part One

This one starts out slower than molasses dripping down the ass of a dirty hooker who is paid by the hour to have molasses drip down her ass.  The script reads like a weird dream anyways.  Frodo is there, so is the kid from the Goonies... then Magneto shows up dressed like a wizard.  After the fireworks, they all decide to go to a party on the other side of the mountain.  Some guys on horses follow you so you hide under a tree.  The perfect tree for a nice, long nap...

Pride and Prejudice

There is no time in this world better for the sandman to visit you than when folks are speaking victorian english on the screen with no chance of anything blowing up or even the slightest inkling of titties popping out.  Don't get me wrong, there is a plot... but for guys who have the attention span of the internet, it will only take about three scenes before we realize we are never going to find out what it is and close our eyes for greener pastures elsewhere in our mind.  

Plan 9 From Outer Space

Ranked the worst movie of all time by everyone who has seen it, this is the type of really bad movie that is not so bad it's good but so bad it is worse.  There is no real plot structure at all.  There are farmers, then vampires, then something about a spaceship that looks suspiciously like a hubcap...  not even the director knew wtf was going on.  Pop it in and you will be counting sheep in about fifteen minutes.

Fight Club

What better movie to fall asleep to than one you have already seen fifty million times?  Fight Club is the type of movie that can do anything you want it to.  When you're drunk, it can make you want to fight.  When you're sober, it can make you want to get drunk.  When you're bored, it will excite you and when you are half asleep, it will bring you all the way.  It is the cure-all for what ails ya...


After putting this film in my dvd player on numerous occasions, I still do not know what the frickin thing is about.  Even if I'm not in the least bit tired, I will either fall asleep or find myself doing something else before the 90 minutes is up.  Or at least I think it's 90 minutes, I have never made it to the end.  I think it has something to do with space maybe, or the future, or at one point I even guessed Luke Skywalker would show up.  Then I found myself dreaming that Luke Skywalker showed up.  

Matrix Revolutions

By this point in the story line all the good aspects of the plot have long gone away and none of us knows even in the slightest wtf is going on.  You recognize the characters but it is like watching people you know do things that they shouldn't be doing.  Counting sheep and counting the strange, out-of-place plot points that are going on in this third installment of a good movie gone bad are one in the same.  It is not a matter of 'if' you will fall asleep, it is a matter of when...

Vanilla Sky

We can all agree that Tom Cruise is one weird motherfucker.  In real life, he is good for not very much.  In this movie, however, he is just as good if not better than a bottle of sleeping pills and some whiskey.  The acting alone is lame enough to put you ten winks from REM within the first few scenes.  If you did happen to make it to the end, you may think that you are already asleep and dreamt up the whole thing.  Unless the ending turned out good, then you KNOW you are asleep and dreamt up the whole thing...

The English Patient

This is the type of movie you have heard about but never seen.  Why?  Because we don't watch crap.  Well, we do... but not knowingly.  However, this does deserve a spot in your pirate collection.  The next time you are feeling insomnia and just can't get that last nail put in the sleep coffin, play this movie and seal that bastard up, using boring British stuff as your hammer of Thor.  You will be asleep by the time anyone even becomes a patient.


Remember those days of yore in elementary school when the teacher was all like "YAY! We're going to watch a movie!" and then put this in the old VCR for a two hour long run after dimming the lights and closing up the windows?  She might as well have put a pillow under your head and passed out warm milk.  Not that the movie itself is boring, a bit strange but not really boring, but it will invoke memories of dark classrooms and long afternoon naps.  Put it in a bit late and we can call it a long night's sleep that lasts well throughout the morning.

Mission to Mars

As I said earlier, space is the perfect place to sleep.  Cold, quiet, and dark.  The problem with most space movies is they tend to have a lot of eye opening action going on sometime in the plot.  Not so with this sleep inducing menace.  You can pop this one in the old dvd slot without fear of anything awesome ever happening.  Just a bunch of stale dialog and quiet scenes of outer space.  You will wake up in the morning refreshed and well rested with the title screen happily playing nice, quiet, boring space music.




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