Sunday, May 17, 2009

9 Ways to Die Like A Man

1. Down Mexico way… in a hail of bullets!

After a long chase and a few bank robberies while the federales have got you surrounded.  Most guys would throw their hands in the air and go away peacefully. Guys like Johnny Cash kick everyones ass and have to die of old age.  


2. Tortured to death by spies while not giving up any information

Especially chick spies who are hot.  However, if you get caught by chick spies that are hot, you're a pussy.  Sean Connery would fucking smack down a chick spy, even a hot one.  When I say 'smack down' I mean punch dead in the nose and knock the fuck out cold.


3. Being thrown off a high structure with your arch enemy in tow

The trick here is when you get the slightest feeling you are going to fall spear the guy you're fighting right into oblivion.  Before you do it, say something cool and awesome like "Come fly away with me", but not in a gay way.  Remember, if you screw up the cool last words you're not dying like a man, you're going out like a stuttering fool.


4. On a pirate ship fighting a storm

Only pussies use lifeboats. Real men fight the sea even if it kills them. During the storm, you have to swing your arms and yell at the sky while cursing God, Poseidon, The Keebler Elves, me for writing this article, Forrest Gump, your 4th grade teacher, hookers, Richard Nixon, and anyone else you can think of.  If you make it through and go back out to find another storm, You're not just dying like a man, you're dying like an awesome fucking rough bastard.  


5. Alone on a far away planet, with a bomb that was meant for Earth

It is inevitable that one day aliens will show up with a big ass bomb and try to blow up Earth because they are jealous of our freedom. Somebody is going to have to steal that bomb and deliver it back to the outsider scum, sacrificing his life with a cool smirk on his face. The whole process will involve  drawing short straws against long ones and then making Bruce Willis do it anyways.  


6. While having a threesome

If you are going to go out… it might as well be at the top. Or on the bottom.  Or in the Middle. Or on the side with your leg bent just off the bed.  Just make sure it doesn't happen with two ugly, fat chicks.  Getting crushed to death by Rhinos is manly only if the rhinos are real and not just rhino sized chicks who will not call an ambulance but just eat all your foodz and dump your body in the river.  


7. By an assassins bullet after a great speech

If your last thought is "Damn, that was a good speech, but I do regret not wearing that bullet proof vest that is sitting on my nightstand..." then your death was a good one.  If your revolution is successful, people will put your face on t-shirts for all of time.  If not, enjoy the Hitler section of the history books.

8. Killed after running through the evil king or general with your sword

Like BraveHeart did.  Oh... wait, he didn't.  But he tried.  The Patriot did it.  This is a lesson in life.  Sometimes Mel Gibson wins, sometimes he loses.  Sometimes he makes gay ass movies and other times he makes the most awesome shit you will ever see in your life.  Mel's movies always deserve a chance.  

9. Defending your land from invading foreigners

Especially if there are only 300 of you and a million Persian cowards.  This doesn't count if you are Arab because you aren't really defending 'your' land.  You are defending land that the greedy Jews will just steal from you someday and turn into coffee shops and that charge outrageous prices for a product that should cost a quarter and be bottomless all god damn night.

29 comments:

fatal1 said...

4. On a pirate ship fighting a storm

that has to be the pussiest way for a pirate to die.
surely fighting navies would be more manly than getting wet to death.

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