Saturday, May 09, 2009

9 Reasons I Hate Chuck Norris

1. His internet fanboys

You know who I am talking about. Every now and then I will be in a chat room, minding my own business, trying to talk football or lolcats or naked breasts with a fellow interwebz dweller and some asshat will show up and be all like "Chuck Norris kicks your asses!" Chuck Norris is so old he cant even get out of bed anymore. You faggots need to go back to your "I heart teh 80's" irc fapfests and leave the rest of us to our sick porn and jokes that are actually funny.

2. Those fucking infomercials

How many times do they have to play before we all get 'perfect abs'? The answer is: more than any of us can ever stand. The Bowflex is a piece of shit machine made of two dollar rubber bands that totally unsuccesfully tries to steal the thunder of a bow and arrow. Whenever you have to steal the thunder of the oldest projectile weapon known to man, save throwing a rock at your enemy, you are reaching too far.

3. His acting

Chuck Norris played Chuck Norris in every movie he ever made. Granted, so does, Bruce Willis, but Bruce Willis is at least believable when his wife leaves him, his kids hate him, and terrorists die. There is a reason old Chuck has skipped every awards fest ever known to show business: he wasn't invited.

4. Worst. Internet. Meme. Ever.

As a collective, we have seen some pretty bad internet memes. I'm looking at you, THEBESTTHEBESTTHEBEST ECT. But even the most annoying of repeated phrases is 9000 times more tolerable than some gayboy prick acting like he is the king of the internet because he thinks sucking Chuck's e-penis makes him any cooler of an asshole than any of the rest of us. You can replace 'Chuck Norris' with 'Maddox' and the same rings true.

5. His beard isn't even awesome

Awesome man-beards have shown up throughout history. Abe Lincoln, William Riker, Sean Connery... notice how none of these belong to anyone who ever made a movie titled 'Missing in Action 9 1/2: Still cashing in on the Rambo craze 20 years later". It is a little known fact that Chuck's beard is nothing more than the embaressed chest hair that Bruce Lee ripped off in that movie so many years ago, too scared to ever show its face anywhere Bruce's hand once was.

6. He doesn't smoke cigarettes

Every bad ass in the history of the world has smoked cigarettes. The one exception is Bruce Lee, and that is only because he didn't smoke cigarettes, cigrettes smoked him. Do you see what I'm saying by how frickin lame those jokes are? They work like smoking crack out of a Pepsi bottle. They don't. How do I know that doesn't work? Let's just say college was a crazy time...

7. Name one movie he was in that didn't suck

Go ahead, we will all wait here while you frantically check IMDB. Ten minutes later, when you come back full of fail, we will all point and laugh while only slightly mentioning the fact that every movie Brad Pitt has made to date has been better than your mom's tits with a dollar in her g-string. It's cool, don't worry; we won't judge. We all had to do things we aren't proud of to pay for ramen at one point in life...

8. Chuck can't read

Why do you think I am writing this without fear of retribution? Have you ever seen 'The Best Damn Sports Show Period'? Did you see him try to read some of the Chuck Norris Facts? Not since Katie Couric made Sarah Palin eat shit has someone struggled so hard not to piss themselves in public. "Nay!" you say? lol, YouTube embed...

9. Chuck Norris has never won a word title in anything

Brock Lesnor, Eli Manning, Buster Douglas... what do all these guys have in common? They have all won a world title in something. Buster Douglas for fuck's sake. Any time you claim to be a bad ass and Buster Douglas is on a list that you are not, even Epic Fail Guy himself feels bad for you. Me, I just take a shit. I don't feel bad for anyone, I just take shits.


Anonymous said...

This shows that you just don't get it.

Anonymous said...

10)He got his ass handed to him by Bruce Lee

Icosahedron of Fate said...

"This shows that you just don't get it."

oh i think he gets it, and i think thats exactly why he wrote this,

Anonymous said...

Chuck advertises the Total Gym, not the Bowflex. Most of point 2 nullified.

Anonymous said...

Zero, I hope both you and Norris get violently sodomized by an angry bull.

Anonymous said...

Zero. I am gong to violently sodomize you. Cuz I'm an angry bull.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Chuck Norris rocks!

Anonymous said...

Why does so many people suck Chuck's little and wrinkled penis? I mean, there is A LOT of other people who hasn't been damaged never in their series, comics, movies, etc.

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Gav said...

You Yanks need to get a grip. Choi Baedal is so much more awesome than bloody Chunk Norris, He defeated all of the Japanese Dojos, every martial Art style in Japan; and even started his own martial art.

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