Late one night in early January, after ordering Canadian bacon and receiving 'ham', an outraged Vice-President Palin calls a press conference to denounce anything Canadian. When informed that hockey, her kids favorite sport that none of them plays, was indeed Canada's national pastime, she had this to say; "..."
2. Her husband embarrassed all men
All real men paused from chopping wood and facepalmed today when Mrs. Palin's husband, what's-his-name, took five across the eyes for having an opinion in front of his wife earlier today. When asked for a comment, White House spokesman Rush Limbaugh held his tongue lest he be the next victim of the SarahSlap Express...
3. Tried to drive to Puerto Rico
Awkward silence reigned early this afternoon as the Vice-Presidential motorcade halted in South Florida and embarrassingly had to turn around after finding out that Puerto Rico was actually farther from the coastline than the three inches shown on the map. An unflinching Sarah Palin just shrugged and demanded the driver take her to Guatemala instead, since they were in the neighborhood...
4. Tried to vote in the Senate
Former Presidential candidate, Senator Barrack Obama, in a long speech, explained to Vice-President Palin late last week that she actually couldn't vote on anything in the senate. Her insistence that she was the 'leader' and he should just 'Respect her athoriti!' fell on deaf ears as the other senators were too busy laughing at Joe Biden's behind-the-podium mocking of all parties involved.
5. Had daughter's baby's daddy fired from being American
In a bold move this morning, the guy who knocked up the Vice-President's daughter was given his walking papers and a job mowing lawns in Siberia. When asked for a comment, the VP's daughter immediately slept with the first reporter who asked and is now pregnant by some blogger in Pennsylvania.
6. Declared war on teh interwebz
The internet collective laughed out loud for real last Thursday when Sarah 'a pig can wear lipstick' Palin declared war and sent troops to 'the tubez'. Military leaders, while baffled at the decision, armed themselves with keyboards and got ready for battle. "We will fight them, I guess in the forums?" a random General, who refused to be named, was heard to say...
7. Spent the stimulus money on dresses
Reports that the much awaited stimulus package set to be sent to taxpayers was spent on 'dresses and other pretty stuff' outraged reporters and the public alike early this weekend. Fox news, however, complimented the Vice-President on her choices of accessories in a special report Sunday night. While Tom Brokaw asked "What the fuck shit fuck shit?", Fox Reporter Sean Hannity chastised viewers for being poor.
8. Mistaked China for Japan, condemned all Nintendo products as 'Communist'
In a move that shocked and confused little kids and adults alike, Vice-President Sarah Palin outlawed all sales of the popular Nintendo Wii a few hours ago, commenting that 'those commies will no longer be allowed to pedal their wares to our young children!" When told that Japan was not a communist country and... 'um... wtf?', she promptly responded by citing John McCains war record and saying the words 'hockey mom' 15 times before the news reporters just decided 'fuck it, I'm going home."
9. New email address: email@example.com
Armed with a new password question that she swore no one would ever guess, VP Palin opened up her new free account last Tuesday and began sending notices to all her MySpace friends. Three hours later, her entire contact list was sent pictures of herpes infected penises. A 16 year old from Omaha was arrested Wednesday morning and sent to GITMO pending charges of 'Using Wikipedia for acts of terrorism'.