9 Ways To Get Revenge On Your Enemies

1. Screw his wife

This works best if you do it in full view of the entire internet. I mean… it works either way, but it’s a better dish if served up over a few entertainment websites. Give the video a “300” theme: make her call you “Leonidas” and scream “FOR SPARTA!” as you get down. Can you say epic?

2. Piss on his toothbrush

Dress up like a maintenance worker, Bruce Lee your way into his bathroom, and let loose a steady stream of cheap, regurgitated beer onto the head of his favorite tooth cleaner. Then take a shit in his toilet and don’t flush. He will believe the unflushed dump was your plan and won’t give a second thought to what else you may have done. Sweet success…

3. Slay him in combat

When all else fails, you can always go back to the old school. Gather your sword and shield and look for the offending party on the battlefield! If you can’t find a battlefield a parking lot will do. If no parking lots are available an isle at the local grocery store will do. Since broadswords aren’t allowed in most places of commerce, you will have to use a zucchini instead. Have you ever seen a man beat to death with a zucchini? It is fucking hilarious…

4. Chase him with a dead mouse

Although they never let on, most arch-enemies are deathly afraid of dead rodents. Follow yours into a public place and jump out from behind a tree without warning. Scream “DEAD MOUSE!” and wave the deceased marsupial through the air like a French white sheet before a battle while running wildly towards your target. He will instinctively run and everyone within earshot will know he is really a woman who is scared of a tiny, harmless mouse.

5. Drink his last beer

Infiltrating a man’s fridge is never an easy task; it could very well be guarded by hungry dogs and sleeping dragons. The last can of cold brew will definitely be booby trapped. It will take an effort of Indiana Jones proportions to procure such a treasure. Drinking it, however, quenches the thirst for vengeance with cold purity. When done, replace the empty bottle after leaving a post-it note with your name stuck to the label. Bonus points: pee in the empty bottle and leave the note on the backside of the label.

6. Reformat his hard drive

Nothing hurts a man more than losing all of his porn. Take away his music collection in the process and you have achieved nothing less than a devastating attack, possibly even a killing blow. It takes two seconds to go to Start-Run, type “format c:” into the blank prompt, and hit “enter”. To undo such an act takes technical miracles. If, while involved in such an act, you hear a deep voice say “Fatality” out of nowhere, buy yourself some ice cream. You win.

7. Eat food that he was saving

When a man is looking forward to eating something and it disappears… well, let’s just say some things make getting kicked in the balls seem not so bad. Make sure the empty container is left in your wake so that he suspects nothing at first. Upon opening the package, his screams of pain will be able to be heard for at least a ten mile radius. 

8. Infest his lair with termites

Unassuming little bugs who eat peoples houses are the ultimate tool of revenge. With the right placement, and given enough time to work unnoticed, an assholes tool shed can be rendered useless. He will then be forced to work on shit in his driveway and all shall see him sawing wood for a new hideout in shame. Bonus if the driveway is all that is left of his house as well…

9. Kick him in the balls

Remember, way back in reason 7, when I said some things make a kick in the balls seem not so bad? That was a dirty fucking lie. It is, however, a very nearly forbidden move for any man to pull off on another. It should be reserved only for guys who have killed your family or burned your village and those dirty dirty spammers from Nigeria. Actually, the entire country of Nigeria deserves a collective kick in the balls. Bastards.