It is early Sunday morning here at the base of the great Rocky Mountains, and there is a keg of beer resting in my living room. Most kegs around the world are empty right now, the victim of a ruthless Saturday night of hard drinking, but not this one. This one was purposely held back for use on this, Sunday, the day most decent folks go to church. There is a method behind the madness. Welcome to “How To Throw A Keg Party” 101. I will be your instructor today.
Let me start off by saying this is far from the first keg party I have thrown. After years and years with many, many blowouts, I have realized that there is a science to it. As I woke up this morning, like a 6 year old on Christmas, I realized that a lot of planning went in to this thing. I decided to pass on my knowledge to the populace of ShoutWire. What follows are a few rules you should use when planning your next kegger to optimize party performance.
1. Throw it on a Sunday. This eliminates all the kiddies who would likely find their way in. While a keg party isn’t age specific, a good rule is too keep everyone over 20, 18 at the very minimum. Optimally, everyone would be over 21, but in times of kegs, you always have to figure in for the unknown factor.
2. Keep it on ice for at least two days. No one likes warm beer. A keg fridge is the best idea, but in case one isn’t handy, a garbage can usually does nicely. Keep that son of a bitch submerged and come time to tap it, everyone will be happy.
3. Give everyone at least a week notice. This will ensure nothing else will come up and that you won’t be left with a half a keg at the end of the night. Proper notice must be given.
4. Don’t invite too many people. The ones you do invite will bring friends for sure. Invite half of what it would take to finish the keg, and the rest will just show up. Trust me on this.
5. Buy lots of plastic cups. You will need more than you think. Everyone, at one point in the festivities, loses their cup at least once. Get a marker and keep it by the keg as well for easy identification.
6. Move all of your valuables to a safe place. This means CD’s, DVD’s, any handheld gaming consoles, ipods and the like. Burn some CD’s for music and use those for entertainment.
7. Drink in moderation. No one wants to see a host all shit faced, just in case shit goes down.
8. Be sure to talk to everyone, even those you don’t know. Make everyone feel welcome and good vibes will prevail.
Follow these guidelines and fun will be had for all.
Shoutwire
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Angelina Jolie/ Kate Beckinsale Nude Sex Tape!
I know you think the title was just another lame attempt to get you to read the latest ShoutWire ban report, but you are wrong. If it was so lame, you wouldn’t be reading.
“ShoutWire is pushing an agenda!” That was the cry from one blogger this week after having one of his crappy articles deleted. Oh no, he found us out. There will be no more manipulation of the masses with this young Sherlock Holmes around to stop us. Because as we all know, world policy is made around SW’s editorials. And our super laser was in its final testing stages.
I just got one question for this blogger. How does it feel to be owned by Bulshoy? From what I read, he wasn’t to gentle when he rammed your words up your arse, but then again, maybe you like it rough, eh?
Also, seeing as how this site is mainly for English speaking people, we have to ask that no more articles be posted in Italian. This means you, southmac, and that is why you were banned. Here on SW, we speak English, and bad English at that. Don’t forget, I’m half Italian myself and usually stoned out of my mind. I can not assure anyone that the next time I see something like that, I won’t believe it to be a mob threat and have to break some kneecaps.
A user with the handle of Andricon was banned for bashing admins. This does not mean he was banned for his opinion. This means he must have went way too far. If you are a regular, you see the type of shit we put up with on a daily basis. In order to receive a ban, a user has to go quite far. Case in point, I have never banned PhilArmstead, and he hates me with every fiber of his being. Hi Phil :)
A couple of racist fucks were banned. They don’t even deserve mention here other than to say they were banned. Please people, we don’t ask for much, but if you are going to hate someone, hate them for their opinion, not the color of their skin. This is not Alabama in the 60’s. You will be banned for being a racist prick.
H2owned threaten to sue ShoutWire because he was being a racist prick and was subsequently warned. This is a prime example of someone taking the internet a bit too far. Suing is for pussies. I will now take this time to challenge H2owned to a steel cage match up. Name the time and place, and its on like Donkey Kong Biaaaaatch.
Other than the fuckers that were mentioned above, nearly a hundred spammers were also banned.
That’s it for this week. Until next week, “fuck you zero” will still not get you banned.
Shoutwire
“ShoutWire is pushing an agenda!” That was the cry from one blogger this week after having one of his crappy articles deleted. Oh no, he found us out. There will be no more manipulation of the masses with this young Sherlock Holmes around to stop us. Because as we all know, world policy is made around SW’s editorials. And our super laser was in its final testing stages.
I just got one question for this blogger. How does it feel to be owned by Bulshoy? From what I read, he wasn’t to gentle when he rammed your words up your arse, but then again, maybe you like it rough, eh?
Also, seeing as how this site is mainly for English speaking people, we have to ask that no more articles be posted in Italian. This means you, southmac, and that is why you were banned. Here on SW, we speak English, and bad English at that. Don’t forget, I’m half Italian myself and usually stoned out of my mind. I can not assure anyone that the next time I see something like that, I won’t believe it to be a mob threat and have to break some kneecaps.
A user with the handle of Andricon was banned for bashing admins. This does not mean he was banned for his opinion. This means he must have went way too far. If you are a regular, you see the type of shit we put up with on a daily basis. In order to receive a ban, a user has to go quite far. Case in point, I have never banned PhilArmstead, and he hates me with every fiber of his being. Hi Phil :)
A couple of racist fucks were banned. They don’t even deserve mention here other than to say they were banned. Please people, we don’t ask for much, but if you are going to hate someone, hate them for their opinion, not the color of their skin. This is not Alabama in the 60’s. You will be banned for being a racist prick.
H2owned threaten to sue ShoutWire because he was being a racist prick and was subsequently warned. This is a prime example of someone taking the internet a bit too far. Suing is for pussies. I will now take this time to challenge H2owned to a steel cage match up. Name the time and place, and its on like Donkey Kong Biaaaaatch.
Other than the fuckers that were mentioned above, nearly a hundred spammers were also banned.
That’s it for this week. Until next week, “fuck you zero” will still not get you banned.
Shoutwire
Cocaine: A Different Perspective
We shall now take ShoutWire to a place it has never been before, delving into subject matter that is normally only spoken of in smoky back rooms and darkly lit alleyways, even then only in a low whisper. The topic today is cocaine, and we will take a look at it in a different light than most are use to. Instead of going on and on about the dangers of the drug and how it will ruin your life forever, like you have all heard a million times before, I have decided to play devils advocate once again and speak about the fun side of the chemical composition.
Yes, the fun side. The one they don’t tell you about in DARE class. Contrary to popular belief, if used in moderation you will not end up a toothless, homeless, sign wielding freeway dweller. That only happens when you decide that the next line is more important than rent. If you have this type of addictive personality, then you should probably leave the white whore alone. However, if one can handle their salt, so to speak, one could end up in all kinds of wild situations.
Fast women follow cocaine around like white on rice. While it is true that most of these women will care nothing about you and only be around for the drugs, it is also true that this is a very superficial society. It is a two way street, however, because if they didn’t have titties, they wouldn’t be getting free coke. Everything balances itself out in the end. At times, superficial friendships and relationships can be just as good as anything else available.
Sometimes, a binge is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. I say screw spending five grand on a weekend getaway to have some stupid therapist with fake ass diplomas tell you that you need more focus in your life, why not spend a fraction of that on an 8 ball and some hookers and work your frustration out the old fashioned way. You only live once. On that note, it is also a good thing to remember that very thing when deciding that the time has come to put down the 100$ bill and go home. (A good rule is to only do it when you have 100$ bill to use. That way you know you aren’t going to end up broke)
It is also fun to know that the money you spent will go to fund a brand new machine gun for little Timmy of the Columbian cocaine smugglers child army. You could argue the morality of that situation all night and all day long, but you would change your tune if you seen the way little Timmy’s eyes light up when he mows down the first farmer who doesn’t pay for protection with his brand new, shiny M-16. It is almost like you are playing Santa Claus to some poor South American kid without a family. How could you not feel good about that?
Right about now you are thinking “Damn, this guy sounds like Joe the crack advocate”, but you would be mistaken. It has been a while since I went all Tony Montana on a pile of white stuff. Also, for the record, smoking crack is dirty. I know, it sounds a bit hypocritical, but there is a very big difference. It is all about moderation (once every few months - not once every two days).
I hope you have either enjoyed or been infuriated by my take on cocaine. If you ever have a Sunday free and some hookers just happen to stop by, I recommend it fully.
Shoutwire
Yes, the fun side. The one they don’t tell you about in DARE class. Contrary to popular belief, if used in moderation you will not end up a toothless, homeless, sign wielding freeway dweller. That only happens when you decide that the next line is more important than rent. If you have this type of addictive personality, then you should probably leave the white whore alone. However, if one can handle their salt, so to speak, one could end up in all kinds of wild situations.
Fast women follow cocaine around like white on rice. While it is true that most of these women will care nothing about you and only be around for the drugs, it is also true that this is a very superficial society. It is a two way street, however, because if they didn’t have titties, they wouldn’t be getting free coke. Everything balances itself out in the end. At times, superficial friendships and relationships can be just as good as anything else available.
Sometimes, a binge is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. I say screw spending five grand on a weekend getaway to have some stupid therapist with fake ass diplomas tell you that you need more focus in your life, why not spend a fraction of that on an 8 ball and some hookers and work your frustration out the old fashioned way. You only live once. On that note, it is also a good thing to remember that very thing when deciding that the time has come to put down the 100$ bill and go home. (A good rule is to only do it when you have 100$ bill to use. That way you know you aren’t going to end up broke)
It is also fun to know that the money you spent will go to fund a brand new machine gun for little Timmy of the Columbian cocaine smugglers child army. You could argue the morality of that situation all night and all day long, but you would change your tune if you seen the way little Timmy’s eyes light up when he mows down the first farmer who doesn’t pay for protection with his brand new, shiny M-16. It is almost like you are playing Santa Claus to some poor South American kid without a family. How could you not feel good about that?
Right about now you are thinking “Damn, this guy sounds like Joe the crack advocate”, but you would be mistaken. It has been a while since I went all Tony Montana on a pile of white stuff. Also, for the record, smoking crack is dirty. I know, it sounds a bit hypocritical, but there is a very big difference. It is all about moderation (once every few months - not once every two days).
I hope you have either enjoyed or been infuriated by my take on cocaine. If you ever have a Sunday free and some hookers just happen to stop by, I recommend it fully.
Shoutwire
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