The Rogue Pirate Ninja

everyone check out KILLINGNATSIES

2009-09-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

KILLINGNATSIES

I wont be writing for shoutwire anymore and rarely come here. Everyone pls visit that site.

I'm Sick Of Your Stupid Blogs

2009-07-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

I know where the irony is in the title... seeing as how you are reading this on a blog and I'm railing against blogs... but this is different. What I do here is write. Original pieces. Sometimes they suck, sometimes they don't, but they are never just one or two lines about some crap I read somewhere else. Reading something here you know you will at least be seeing work I spent more than five minutes and one cigarette fucking with.

People like this Perez Hilton guy make me want to puke and eat it. This fag, combined with the abomination that is the Twitter website, are ruining internet journalism. If you can't take the time out of your day to spend an hour trying to make something worthy of being read, then you don't belong posting anywhere. If you only have a quick blurb, save that shit for a comment section somewhere. When people click on an article they want to fucking read something.

Die in a chemical fire, you assholes. You are ruining what we took years to build.

The same thing goes for the assholes who copy and paste something funny they read on another blog. This has been going on for years. I would like to travel back in time to the moment the first fucktard who did it decided it was ok to STEAL someone elses work and use it to run ads and get a few extra hits and kick his ass. Fuck you bastards. If you didn't write it yourself, what makes you think the original author would give you permission to post it to your crappy site and act like you did? Copypasta is only funny on 4chan... everywhere else it is annoying crap.

Speaking on behalf of others who actually write and don't just Twitter, we have worked hard to shut down print newspapers all over the country. Now we are being screwed by lame dick faggots whose creativity spans all of two sentences before they call it a day. What they do is NOT news. It is NOT journalism. For fucks sake, it is not even worthy of a good comment most of the time.

It is not even blogging. Blogging at least has some merits.

Starting with Myspace, and ending with Twitter, creating a big Facebook sandwhich, is the evil that has destroyed our credibility forever. Social news should have called it a day with sites like Fark, Shoutwire, Digg and Reddit. It all went downhill when certain assholes began to think just having their name on something was enough to get people involved. I don't give a fuck who you are. Write something good or go back to your Facebook sammich, bitches.

Sure, I write crap every now and then. We all do. But at least I try to give you more than two paragraphs. That is the difference between a simple comment and something that should be shared. That is the mindset we need to get back to these days. Also, if you are trying to sell something, do it the old fashioned way by going door to door so we can sick our dogs on you. No one buys a wedding dress on the internet, and if that's what your website is selling, eat shit and die.

Thus ends six paragraphs of a good, old school rant. Six plus two sentences and this closing. See how I did that? Now take the cock out of your mouth, you Twitter faggots, and suck this instead. This is what the internet was supposed to be, not you.

Iran Doesn't Deserve Our Help

2009-06-17T07:48:00.001-07:00

No doubt you have heard, in the past few days, of the struggle of the people of Iran in the name of freedom. You have probably heard how brave they are for protesting against a stacked election. You have probably heard of how much more awesome they are than Americans, who let Bush steal 2 elections without so much as a rock being thrown.

Let's take an objective look at Iran.

Iran does NOT have free elections. In order for one to be considered, he must be from a high class of Muslims. This is due to article 115 of their constitution. You can't be a woman, or a poor person, or a guy who believes in evolution. In other words, voters get to choose between one guy who believes one thing and another guy who believes exactly the same thing.

Iran has a supreme leader.

It doesn't matter who is president, because Ali Khamenei will always have supreme power over everything. He is the supreme leader of Iran for the rest of his life. He would have to approve of any changes proposed to take place. God luck on that...

Article 209 of the Iranian Constitution.

A woman's life is only worth half as much as a mans. If your daughter was killed, before any consequences can be suffered by the murderer, you would have to pay his family a certain amount of money to make up for the difference in your daughter's life and the man they lost. Yes, the victims family has to pay the murderer's family.

A woman can't leave the house without permission of the man.

The picture of the Iranian woman going around the internet touting her as a 'true feminist'? Yeah, she had to get permission before she left the house that day.

People still get stoned to death.

For adultery. Mostly women. Guys in Iran don't really get charged with adultery. Even when they do, as crazy as it sounds, the stoning they get is less harsh than the women. A man only gets buried up to his waist. A woman gets buried up to her neck. Even if they are pregnant.

Pedo?

It is not unheard of in Iran for a 12 year old to get married... and have a child by the age of 13.

""I was married at the age of 12, and I had my first child when I was 13. My husband was unemployed and we fought all the time. We never applied for a divorce because I was afraid of losing my child. Finally one night, he poured a bucket of acid over my body and I was completely burned. When I rushed to the sink to flush my face and body. I realized that he had shut off the main water supply. I was taken to the hospital. My operation was held up pending advance money for the surgery, and permission from my husband to operate on my face. My mother sold all of her valuables and provided the money. My husband said he would only permit my operation if I consented to not seeing my children for the rest of my life. Finally, with hospital's pressure on the family court they allowed me to receive the operation on my face and body"

Free?

In the eight years before the Islamic revolution, 100 political prisoners were executed. In the four years after... 7900. While it is true that in 1997 the government tried to tone it down a bit, they simply didn't. Two years ago, the police went so far as to beat people for assembling to celebrate international women's day.

The truth here is that Iran is still a backward place to live. There is absolutely no reason we should be supporting them in their endeavor to replace one tyrant with another. Mousavi, the guy Iranians are trying to get elected into office, was one of the original players in the Islamic revolution. Yes, the one that killed 7900 political prisoners between 1981 and 1985.

I'll admit I did advocate throwing some help their way in the form of ddos attacks on the government, but that was for lulz. In all reality, we should be throwing nukes their way.

Miley Cirus Having A Conversation With A Penis

2009-06-16T02:16:00.000-07:00

It seems Miley Cirus has been engaging some heated discussions with penises lately. Yesterday, a pic was released to the internet, supposedly of the Disney star... well, yeah. This link is not safe for work.

SEE THE UNCENSORED PICS HERE

Along with the pics, you will see comparisons of other pictures of her. Remember, she is not yet of legal age to make porn. I had nothing to do with taking the pictures or hosting them. I am only linking to them in a newsworthy capacity.

No word yet on whether Disney has fired her dirty whore ass.

DDoS Iran?

2009-06-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

It seems the Iranaian Freedom Fighters on the internet are taking things to a 4chan level now. A few minutes ago a script was released with the intention of taking down the Iranian government's websites.

You too can join the fight. If you have a server that runs PHP, the script you need to run can be found here.

What will this type of attack do? Well, no one is quite sure. Probably take the corrupt Iranian government off the internet. It probably won't get the elections overturned, or make cupcakes come out of Ahmadinejad's ass. But, hey, its something.

Also, there will probably be lulz to be had.

How To Troll Effectively

2009-06-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

First of all, any list such as this should have bullet points. BULLET POINTS GOD DAMMIT! Take note of these and how important it makes this article look.

Bullet points are fucking awesome
They make points like this and shit
You don't have to use periods
But you should use proper punctuation and grammar

Enough with the bullet points. We will use them in the future, however, so I figured a good, strong introduction was in order, but this article is about trollin'.

You may think trolling is something that is only done by sick twisted serial killers and old bored grandmas. You would be wrong. Some of todays most popular and powerful people are nothing but really successful trolls.

There is a fine art to trolling that most people overlook. THERE ARE RULEZ TO THIS SHIT MAN! Don't fuck around. One false move and you will be banished to the valley of the fail, and you don't want that. They don't have any god damn 7-11's anywhere near that shit.

First of all, you must know where to troll. You can't just choose any old website. Many a fucker has found himself pissing in an ocean of piss. It is also no fun if you are caught on the wrong side of a ban without a proxy within the first five minutes. More on proxies... later.

Craigslist

This is a good one. The personal ads are just oozing with potential lulz. Try it one time; get a throwaway email account, post as a chick, find a picture of a girl that is cute but still too fat for real life, say you are looking for casual sex, and sit back and wait for the fun to roll in.

Youtube

Youtube is one of the other 'easiest places in the world to troll'. Millions of people that visit that site everyday are just waiting to be riled up into a shitstorm by some asshole with a camera... or some celebrity with a funny looking religion and a massive tumor in his anal cavity... or cheese. It could happen.

MORE BULLET POINTS!

Religion is always an easy troll. Anytime people mention it the thread becomes prime breeding ground for lulz. Sometimes they will argue with you for weeks, even months, before they realize they have been had.
Sometimes, you can use periods in bullet points.
If the old fallback religion doesn't work, there is always politics. For the last 8 years, Democrats have been the trolls. Now it is the Republicans turn. See how that works?
Question marks are also acceptable.
Five bullet points is enough.

Images

Using images during a troll can be an effective tool, but can also rouse suspicion. You don't want to be discovered too soon. Images should be used only in the closing moments... and only after you have already been accused of rabble-rousing. Remember, the right image at the right time can close out a troll perfectly, with much more dramatic license than any simple comment ever could.

Graphs are good too

While bullet points are all fine and good, graphs complete the fap. Check out this next graph and see how professional it makes the article look. Revel in it. Not too much though. You sick bastard.

Proxies

I promised you we would get to this, and we have now. See how I set that up and came back to it later on? It was awesome, huh? I'll bet you think I'm the best thing since Barack Obama sliced some bread in the White House. I know, I know. Well, that's enough about proxies.

Proxies

Just kidding. A troll needs proxies like a nun needs a virgin snatch. Sure, there are some that go without them, but they are just dirty whores whose filthy slut ways will have them burn in hell for all eternity. That would be you too, if you choose to risk your real IP to some hair brained admin with a stick up his ass for making you pay.

I read something interesting the other day. "Either you die as an admin or you live long enough to see yourself become a troll". I would accredit it to someone, but I'm not sure who. Either way, I don't want anyone thinking I am taking credit for saying it. I didn't. But as far as the truth in it, I can attest. The best trolls have been admins at one time or the other.

Facebook and Twitter

Sites like this are getting increasingly harder to troll. You have to sign up for an account, make a page, then wait for people to friend you. Even then, if you are bothersome people can just delete you from their list. These sites are a troll dead end and should be avoided not only by us but by every living, breathing human on this planet. They give you AIDS.

Now... I'm not the best troll in the world. Maybe not even fifth best. * SEALAB 2021 REFERENCE* If you just got that joke, award yourself millions upon millions of tiny litte, beautiful, wonderful internets. If you didn't, punch yourself in the face and go stick your penis down the up-spout of a hornets nest, you lame cracker ass bastard.

Spamming

Depending on the technique, how it's used, and where you are, spamming can make you most annoying. IRC and other instant messenger clients are rife with such activities. This angers some people immensely. Anger = win for a troll. Kicked = epic win. For what to do next, refer to 'proxy'.

Trashmail

To be found here. Sign up for an account, number of forwards, and where to send them. This means you don't have to sign up for a new email account every time you decide to stroke the eternal fire of internet hate. An indispensable tool to pirates and ninjas alike, this can save you precious time with the aforementioned Craigslist troll... if you aren't planning on answering any of the emails. But that's no fun, so it's probably better to just use this service for fake forum accounts.

More Graphs

You just can never have enough graphs. Or maybe you can. Never mind, no more graphs. Instead, Xibit...

Pot Smokers

Stoned people may be even easier to bunch up panties on than religious freaks. Stoner discussion boards are particularly easy, due to the fact that they all have strong beliefs about legalizing and will swarm like vultures when seeing anything on their site stating otherwise. Like vultures I tell you... around a big, stinky, maggot infested piece of troll bait.

Social Bookmark Sites

By far the most fertile troll breeding ground outside of image boards, these places are ripe for trollin'. The only problem is this; other trolls know this too and are prevalent. It is often hard to discern whether you have just trolled or been trolled. The good ratio of serious people to troll makes it prime real estate, but it also means you run the risk of failing so hard you divide by zero and break the god damn internet for everyone.

Imageboards

Unlike the above mentioned sites, in these places there is no question; you have just been trolled. These things are like the Sparta of trollage. Every single comment is someone trolling, being trolled, or trolling everyone else and himself at the same time. Why? Because... shut up. * ANOTHER SEALAB 2021 REFERENCE, THIS ARTICLE IS RIFE WITH THEM! * If you got that one, and you are sick and tired of hearing about it already, you have been trolled.

Memes

Memes are a tool that any troll worth his salt will utilize heartily. The key, however, is to use them with such subtly that even the great zombie of Sherlock Holmes himself couldn't figure out what the fuck you are talking about until the very end. Over 9000 of them. Losing the game. Rick Astley.

Fail

The last line of the last paragraph would be what is known as epic fail. Generally, you want to avoid such situations, however, I did so to put it in context so you could understand what the fuck I am saying, yo.

You will, however, suffer fail when trolling if you do so long enough. It is something that happens to all of us. Don't take it too hard. Just kidding. You should actually kill yourself now, you worthless piece of shit. lol

lol

This universal acronym can be used as a comeback that is always win. No matter what anyone says to you, how deep and scathingly truthful their argument can be, or even how many guys are trying to fight you off, lol announces your presence as a troll and lets everyone know they have been had with three simple letters. Other trolls will just sit back and laugh, while the more serious folks will be angered beyond even turning into the hulk. Once the responses to you begin to resemble dissertations instead of simple internet posts, win is yours.

IMDB

I am now randomly placing what should have been near the top of the article... near the bottom. Why? Because I am the writer and can do what I want. Do you want to write the rest of this article? No? Then shut the fuck up and read.

IMDB is the third of the easiest sites to troll. Pick a random movie board and have at it. Remember to use the Trashmail when making your account there in case you're banned. Some users have been known to call out trolls, but since the site is so huge it is really tough to discern. I suspect on this board, the Will Smith posts... well, yeah. The Chuck Norris posts, however, are just faggotry.

In the end, you will decide for yourself when and where it is best for you to troll. You have to look within your soul to see what works for you, just like when fapping. Think of this guide as simply some more words you read on the internet this one time. Or fap to it, I don't care.

Why Are Some People Afraid of The Internet?

2009-06-10T00:44:00.000-07:00

We all know at least one person who fits this profile: owns a computer, has internet access, and uses it for one specific thing with the unyielding viewpoint that if he goes anywhere else online he will catch a virus or have his personal information discovered by a hacker and sold to the highest bidding Nigerian. It could be email, Facebook, or a game that draws the subject online... regardless of why they are here, that is why they are here god dammit and they will NOT under any circumstances stray from the safe place they know to venture into the rest of the dark, seedy, cold, riff-raff-infested World Wide Web.

We know there are people out there like this. Some of them are lurking this very sentence as we speak. They will not contribute to the comment section nor even vote on the social website they happened here from. Some will even go so far as to swear they caught a virus from the picture of the half naked chick in the bottom right corner.

It is hard to believe there are people who surf the web without wantonly grabbing porn whenever they can, downloading movies like a madman swings an axe, or telling off every son-of-a-bitch whose two cents are the wrong shade of grey each time they read a news story. The internet is a social community of people who communicate and share, but moreover, it is a community of silent participants often exiled to one site or specific task without a care in the world what goes on anywhere else no matter how many free pieces of bacon are involved.

Have you ever been to a friends house and tried to show him something awesome or funny on the web and the first thing he says is "Don't give me a virus, man..."?

A number of these people are gamers. World of Warcraft is the main culprit. Yes, I'm calling you out, WoWcrack addicts! That game is made for you to forsake the rest of your flesh breathing life, let alone the entirety of the rest of the internet. Not every WoWcracker is guilty of it, but if you are one you must ask yourself... am I?

Facebook and Twitter are two other loathsome trends, in the footsteps of Myspace, to lure otherwise non-social people into the cavities of internet ignorance. A year ago, everyone had a Myspace. People I couldn't even fathom using a computer were telling me "Add me on Myspace!" This year the same is true with Facebook and Twitter. Mark my words: sites like this are going to ruin the goddamn web.

Then you have the dreary people who only get online to check their emails. Every now and then they will get an email that makes them laugh, that originated in 2003, and they will chuckle and go about their lives watching TV. They are harmless. Some of them are also Nigerian. Regardless, you don't want either to get a hold of your email address. They will either want to forward you a joke that ceased to be funny in the eighties or their father the prince just died and they need money.

On the other hand, there are forum goers and social news site users... and imageboards. People who absolutely have no aversion to clicking on anything at all. It could be a homeless man fucking a dead cat... or a dead cat fucking a homeless man. It could go either way these days. Whatever does it for you.

We are the very same people who make the internet scary for the others. Some people have never seen goatse, and even though I believe seeing what cannot be unseen makes you a bit of a better person, not everyone gets the subtle humor. Some see stuff like this and leave the internet never to return. Others... well, post that sort of stuff.

The internet is web based multi-player notepad. Of course, like anything else, some would have a phobia towards it. As the many other things in this world people fear, there is even a name for it. And symptoms. Bad ones. Really. This website here say's you can get hyperactive bowels, shaking, and a desire to flee. The only treatment? Contact the Indian dude who built the site on instant messenger and he will talk you through it. Seriously.

For the rest of us, Nazi zombies are attacking the Lincoln Memorial. Sarah Palin is naked, a zombie, and half drunk driving a tractor down the street. She is trying to rape you with her penis. Discuss.

Japanese Moon Video

2009-06-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

Those slick Japanese are at it again... this time, instead of anime porn and panty vending machines, with high definition video taken of the moons surface. I know, how awesome is that? Totally. The answer is totally.

But wait... there is more. Not only did they take one video they leaked to YouTube in high definition, but... wait for it... wait for it... yes! They took TWO videos! The spacecraft, called Kaguya, Japanese for "HA WE OWN UR NASA NOW", is set to collide with the surface of the moon sometime next week so scientists can study some shit to do with crashing into the moon.

Actually, as you can see from the Youtube video, there are a lot more videos taken and leaked to Youtube. Leave it to the Japanese to totally one-up that dude from Phoenix with his live rape feed. "Yes, girly looking man who raped that chick, you got our attention... but did you do it from THE MOON?!?!"

How 2 Americans Captured 60 Nazi SS Soldiers

2009-05-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

It was somewhere in Europe, 1945ish, and my granddad had been fighting Nazis for quite a while. The Battle Of the Bulge had taken it's toll on the guys. There was snow everywhere, and though the war was about to end, tensions were still pretty high. This was enemy territory and there were still Nazis roaming around... and some of them were not ready to surrender.

Back in those days, the soldiers were simple men. My grandfather grew up on a farm in a small town. Fighting wasn't a career choice for them. They were doing what they had to do... answering the call from their country. They didn't get free college, nice benefits, or sign-on bonuses. The politics of war didn't matter. My grandfather used to tell me “We did what we were told.” They were proud of being 'grunts' and nothing in the world was more important than the guy next to you in the foxhole.

Back to our story.

There was a patrol to be run, and my granddad was chosen along with another guy. The two of them would go out through the countryside looking for the last remnants of the Nazi army to engage, yell obscenities at, and generally create havoc with until they either died or gave up. In other words, their orders were “Go out and get you boys some Nazis!” So the two soldiers set out on what would become one of their final patrols of the now almost over war.

They shot the shit as they were walking, mostly about how fucking cold it was and being excited over the good Kentucky Bourbon they had waiting for them back at camp. The Nazis had just surrendered and they had seen their share of combat in the last few years, so a walk around the countryside wasn't too bad of a deal even if it was cold as all hell. At this point all they wanted to do was go home. They thought they had already seen the worst... then they walked around a blind corner.

Standing in front of them were 60 of some of the best trained soldiers the Nazis had to offer, the notorious SS. All fully armed and standing in formation. Needless to say, bricks were shat.

The two Americans raised their weapons, in some sort of desperate attempt to retain honor in a situation when you know you are about to get your ass handed to you in every way possible and your chances of winning are exactly no fucking way in hell.

My grandfather used to tell me of this moment in time. I'm sure the other guy told his grandkids. He thought he was done. Right at that moment he said to himself, “Well, that's that.” There was absolutely no way the guys would get out of this alive, and they were both all too aware of this fact. Then, the unthinkable happened.

The Germans didn't raise their guns. One who spoke English stepped forward. He announced they had been wandering the land in search of Americans and were glad they finally found some. He then submitted his official surrender to the two guys standing in front of him who had just pissed themselves. Of course, they did the civilized thing and graciously accepted.

The two guys they sent out returned from patrol with 60 German SS soldiers held prisoner and one of the best 'oh shit' stories anyone has ever told. Surviving a war isn't always about being a bad ass. Sometimes, you also need incredible luck.

How I have hid My Drugs From Cops

2009-05-29T11:29:00.000-07:00

The Airduct

It was late '94 and I was speeding through the mountains between New Mexico and Arizona. It was raining, dark, and the road was twisted like a rattlesnake with rabies. It was me, some chick, some dude, and another chick. You know how that goes. We were fresh from a trip to Juarez and my passengers were passed the fuck out.

There was about a half ounce of weed in my pocket and I was just thinking about loading it into a rolling paper when I seen the red and blue lights shining at me through the storm in the rearview mirror. I wasn't sure which state I was in, but it didn't matter; the penalty for weed in either place is some pretty damn fucked up prison time. I was doing about 90 so it was a ticket for sure, but if I played it cool I could still get out of ass rape in the joint.

It was the airduct that would save me. In some Chryslers they are snap-on, snap-off parts. With a little bit of pressure you could pull one right off and put it back on just as easy. That's where my sack of weed went. Along with my papers, lighter, and strangely enough, I put my cigarettes in there too.

I found a safe spot somewhere down the highway and pulled over. I had my license and insurance and all that ready as the New Mexico State Trooper came to my window. He was a small older guy with a mustache... kind of reminded me of my shop teacher.

He asked me to get out of the car and stand in the rain with him. I told him I just got back from Mexico and he had me open my trunk to prove I wasn't trying to push mad weight back to the states for a healthy profit. I explained to him we were just down there to drink. He laughed and wrote me a ticket. "You can go now... as soon as I take a little look through your car just to set my mind at ease..."

Dammit. I had always used my airduct but never put it to the test.

Everyone was moved out of the car and made to stand on the side of the road with me in the rain. Ten minutes later, after we were all drenched and I had heard my share of bitching from the women-folk, the Trooper came back with nothing. "Keep it under the speed limit," he said and bid us on our way.

Twenty minutes later his ticket was laying somewhere along the side of a wet mountain highway and the weed was out of the airduct and safely in my lungs.

The Electrical Outlet

It was mid 1995 and I was taking the drive through the desert and mountains from Phoenix to Denver. Instead of gas money, the brilliant young teenager that I was, I brought some meth with me. The idea was to sell it halfway and get my ass out of Arizona. My welcome was worn out and the time to ride off into the sunset had long since came.

I met up with a biker at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere. He had what I needed: money and a want of drugs. We exchanged products and I followed him to a local drug-dive motel. I parked my car, got a room, rolled up a fat joint, and turned on the television.

For the next 4 hours the old man knocked on my door at least 8 times. I made enough money off this one guy to make it to the end of my journey safely. He was so hooked on my stuff, the last time he came over he brought all his quarters. I happily took everything he had to offer, except his wife which he did offer me but I kindly turned down, and shut off my lights for a short rest before driving the half-day it would take me to reach the Mile High City.

About ten minutes later I started to hear a commotion outside. The drugs must have been too much for the guy; he was on the sidewalk screaming something about the CIA and black paratroopers waiting outside his back window. It was only a matter of minutes before some small town cop would show up to arrest him and search the whole place. This didn't bode well for the old pirate ninja, as he had been in and out of my room all night and a simple check of the security cameras would provide evidence to that.

I still had half an ounce of meth. I went to work quickly.

There was an old flathead screwdriver in the bottom of my backpack. I have no idea why it was there, no doubt for unlawful purposes, but it was about to come in handy. What I was about to do, no one reading should try.

I turned off the lights and unscrewed the casing on the switch. There was just enough room to stash the meth and small amount of weed I had left. As I was getting the screws back in, I seen the red and blue lights pull into the parking lot. I placed the screwdriver back in my bag, sprayed some cologne so the place didn't smell like pot, got back in my bed, and waited.

Sure enough, less than twenty minutes later I got a knock on my door. Sure enough, it was the cops. Sure enough, they wanted to ask me questions. Sure enough... they had to search my room.

Apparently, the manager hadn't told the full story. The cops knew I had come to the motel with the crazy guy and wanted to question me about it, but had no idea he had been in and out of my room all night. They didn't seem suspicious that I was the one who gave the guy the dope, but more that I was on it myself.

After telling the officer that I had only met the dude earlier that day and only then to ask him where I could find a cheap motel, explaining that I was on my way to my mother's house in Denver, and allowing them to check my pupils and search the room to satisfy their curiosity, they left.

I got 3 hours of sleep and was outside of the city limits by dawn, as instructed by the police because it would be my best course of action, or 'what I would do if I was in your shoes..."

Everyone just be REAL Quiet!

Great acid parties aren't planned... they usually happen when too many people take too much acid to safely leave a place. During the late nineties, college for me, one night that place ended up being my grandparents house, which they had left to me while I went to school.

It started out when three of us bought a shitload of acid and decided to make our money back, while tripping for free, and called some friends to sell it to. At first some chicks came over and wanted to try it out before they bought more. "Fine," I said, "Buy a couple of hits, drop, and if you like it, buy some more and take them to your friends."

It seemed like a good plan at the time. The problem with my logic is that everyone who came over afterwards saw a group of hot chicks on my couch and just never left. If you ask me now I would say there were at least 30 people, however in reality it might have been more like 15-20... everyone tripping balls.

I remember a few things before I seen the cop pull up. I know there was a group of people in the den tripping out on the old seventies carpet. A couple of people were in my room drawing on the wall. Someone had found a mouse trapped on a stickpad under the washer and that was making for quite the spectacle as well. Other than a light in the bedroom to the back of the house, everything was dark or badly lit, music was low, and folks were mostly just wandering around.

I was lost in the window sill and it took me a few seconds to realize I just witnessed a cop pull up to the drive. If you have ever suddenly had something really important to do while you were tripping on acid, you will understand the panic that set in at that exact moment. The first thing that came to mind was "EVERYONE DOWN!"

However, it didn't quite come out like Arnold yelling for a chopper. I did my best impression of a ninja and crawled to each room, explaining that we all had to be quiet and still, as the cops were at the door. Everyone in the house was strangely receptive to the idea. It took a minute or two for the officer to get out of his car, and by the time he was walking up to the door he was facing a dark, cold, quiet house.

Despite everything in the world not on my side, no one made a sound. I sat on the linoleum with my back to the door. Every time he knocked, hard like the police do, I felt earthquakes going through my body. He hit the door twice, then everything went quiet...

It was at least ten minutes before I realized the cop had just left. Or maybe ten seconds. Who knows? And I'm not even really sure if there were still drugs left in the house. Time and more drugs have killed any other memory I have of that night, save one. I remember sitting on a chair on top of my bed at an early hour of the morning. I don't know why, but it made sense at the time.

The Oven

When you are 22 years old, Fridays still mean something. To me, this one particular Friday meant I was throwing a keg party. Those days I had a liquor bar set up where any normal person would have a kitchen table. And it was full. Of liquor.

These things start out innocently enough. Only five or six people were there when I brought the keg home. We mixed some drinks and had a few beers. Then some weed came and we fired it up. By the time the sun went down I was halfway to toasted.

I made a mistake people frequently make when they are throwing a party; I told everyone. to be sure I told too many people. As soon as darkness hit people were showing up in droves.

My apartment was only a one bedroom. It wasn't very big at all. I had both the bedroom and living room full of people before 9 o'clock. Someone brought another keg. As far as specifics, it was all too hazy to remember.

All I can discern is that I was standing in the corner of my kitchen getting ready to roll a huge blunt. I had about 2 ounces of weed all broken out in front of me. That is about an ounce over the state of Colorado's limit for walking away with a ticket. Someone yelled 'COPS!"

You may be asking the same thing I was asked for weeks afterwards by my friends; "Why the oven?" Honestly, there was just nothing else around. I had 150 people in my place, at least half underaged drunks, a pile of weed in front of me, I was shitfaced, and in just a few seconds I would have to talk to the cops. The oven was literally all I had.

So I shoved it all in and answered my door.

I knew I was fucked, and I spent the next half hour paying for my sins. I was looking at some tickets for sure, possibly jail... depending on what they found. Everyone who was underage was sent home. This left about ten of us after everyone else left too. I was written a ticket for violation of a noise ordinance and drinking underage, even though I was 22 at the time.

The police agreed to let me keep the keg but they took the tap. The search for drugs had come up fruitless except for some painkillers I had left over from an injury that they made me flush down the toilet. They also didn't write me a ticket for the bong they found with the condition that I break it in front of them.

They left me with nothing. Or so they thought. By the time they left there was only about five of us there. I went to my oven and one of the other guys went out to his truck. He brought with him a brand new tap still in plastic and I dumped 2 ounces of weed on the coffee table.

The stupid fucking cops never looked in the oven. They also never checked the bar fridge. It was still stocked with liquor.

9 reasons Why I Love Sluts

2009-05-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

1. They Don’t bitch for attention

If you happen to miss calling them one time, it is not the end of the world. They will just be fucking someone else. We know this, so this is our choice. Just wear a fucking condom, like you should have been doing in the first place.

2. You don’t have to fake it

Yes, guys fake it too. Why? Because we are sick of fucking. It happens. If we don’t get a nut in the first two hours, we are not going to bust one. We know this. So we fake it. Sorry honey. When a slut is on your nuts, you are almost guaranteed a bust, because she knows how to bring you there.

3. You don’t have to worry about them cheating on you

Because they are fucking a few different guys during the same period they are fucking you. Who gives a shit? Pussy is pussy. Stop bitching about it and be happy you are having sex. You could be jacking off on the internet four fucking times a day. Not that you don’t anyways, but still…

4. They don’t just lay there

A slut can take the cock. For Christ sakes, she can take two at the same time if you talk to her right. They like sex. Often times, they ride the cock like a god damn matador, red flag and all. If they don’t, they are not real sluts. They do not deserve the name.

5. No relationship bullshit

We all know we don’t give two shits what a woman says. Why the fuck do we want to listen to it and have to act like we do? Sluts are easy. They take the pounding and leave, without trying to get you to express your “feelings”. Feelings are fucking stupid anyways.

6. You can fuck other girls

All the other girls. You know why? Because she is probably fucking your friends. This means it doesn’t matter if you fuck her friends. Don’t be a bitch and cry about it, because it is what you want. If it is not what you want, you should probably check your ass, because some guy probably has a dick in it right now.

7. It will teach you to wear condoms

You should be doing this in the first place. Kids cost a shit load of money. I am telling you because I know. Not only did little zero want a PSP for his birthday, his mom wanted child support. Ever paid 500$ for a PSP? I have. Learn from me and be happy you did.

8. You will not have to remember an anniversary

Because no one cares. She doesn’t give two shits if you remember the first drunken night that you slept with her. Maybe you didn’t even sleep. Maybe you just scrogged her and went home. She won’t expect a box of chocolates on that day. Just fuck her again.

9. Because they are sluts

They are the few women who can stand up and say “I like sex just as much as males”. That is fucking awesome. You other women could learn something from these chicks. Stop being so stuck up. Admit you like the cock and just let us give it to you.

The Best Movies To Fall Asleep Watching

2009-05-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

2001: A Space Odyssey

It is unlikely you will make it past the monkeys. The first part of this movie is drawn out as to not keep you on the edge of your seat, making it perfect for sleeping. It also makes little sense if you aren't paying attention. A monkey uses a bone to kill other monkeys? And what is that huge penis-shaped thing they all keep crowding around? Also, where is the dialog that isn't spoken in simian? Questions like these and many others will help you hit dreamland before you know it.

Jason X

Nothing like long scenes in deep space, where nobody can hear you sleep, to help you hit the sack quicker than a handful of Ambien. Sure, eventually action starts to happen... but not until Jason wakes up halfway through the movie to kill everyone. By that time the waking world will be nothing but a distant memory to you. Just make sure you keep the volume low as to not be awakened by a sudden jolt of horror music that rips you from your dreams of drunk naked nurses into a machete-fueled killing frenzy scene.

Lord of the Rings Part One

This one starts out slower than molasses dripping down the ass of a dirty hooker who is paid by the hour to have molasses drip down her ass. The script reads like a weird dream anyways. Frodo is there, so is the kid from the Goonies... then Magneto shows up dressed like a wizard. After the fireworks, they all decide to go to a party on the other side of the mountain. Some guys on horses follow you so you hide under a tree. The perfect tree for a nice, long nap...

Pride and Prejudice

There is no time in this world better for the sandman to visit you than when folks are speaking victorian english on the screen with no chance of anything blowing up or even the slightest inkling of titties popping out. Don't get me wrong, there is a plot... but for guys who have the attention span of the internet, it will only take about three scenes before we realize we are never going to find out what it is and close our eyes for greener pastures elsewhere in our mind.

Plan 9 From Outer Space

Ranked the worst movie of all time by everyone who has seen it, this is the type of really bad movie that is not so bad it's good but so bad it is worse. There is no real plot structure at all. There are farmers, then vampires, then something about a spaceship that looks suspiciously like a hubcap... not even the director knew wtf was going on. Pop it in and you will be counting sheep in about fifteen minutes.

Fight Club

What better movie to fall asleep to than one you have already seen fifty million times? Fight Club is the type of movie that can do anything you want it to. When you're drunk, it can make you want to fight. When you're sober, it can make you want to get drunk. When you're bored, it will excite you and when you are half asleep, it will bring you all the way. It is the cure-all for what ails ya...

Dune

After putting this film in my dvd player on numerous occasions, I still do not know what the frickin thing is about. Even if I'm not in the least bit tired, I will either fall asleep or find myself doing something else before the 90 minutes is up. Or at least I think it's 90 minutes, I have never made it to the end. I think it has something to do with space maybe, or the future, or at one point I even guessed Luke Skywalker would show up. Then I found myself dreaming that Luke Skywalker showed up.

Matrix Revolutions

By this point in the story line all the good aspects of the plot have long gone away and none of us knows even in the slightest wtf is going on. You recognize the characters but it is like watching people you know do things that they shouldn't be doing. Counting sheep and counting the strange, out-of-place plot points that are going on in this third installment of a good movie gone bad are one in the same. It is not a matter of 'if' you will fall asleep, it is a matter of when...

Vanilla Sky

We can all agree that Tom Cruise is one weird motherfucker. In real life, he is good for not very much. In this movie, however, he is just as good if not better than a bottle of sleeping pills and some whiskey. The acting alone is lame enough to put you ten winks from REM within the first few scenes. If you did happen to make it to the end, you may think that you are already asleep and dreamt up the whole thing. Unless the ending turned out good, then you KNOW you are asleep and dreamt up the whole thing...

The English Patient

This is the type of movie you have heard about but never seen. Why? Because we don't watch crap. Well, we do... but not knowingly. However, this does deserve a spot in your pirate collection. The next time you are feeling insomnia and just can't get that last nail put in the sleep coffin, play this movie and seal that bastard up, using boring British stuff as your hammer of Thor. You will be asleep by the time anyone even becomes a patient.

Labyrinth

Remember those days of yore in elementary school when the teacher was all like "YAY! We're going to watch a movie!" and then put this in the old VCR for a two hour long run after dimming the lights and closing up the windows? She might as well have put a pillow under your head and passed out warm milk. Not that the movie itself is boring, a bit strange but not really boring, but it will invoke memories of dark classrooms and long afternoon naps. Put it in a bit late and we can call it a long night's sleep that lasts well throughout the morning.

Mission to Mars

As I said earlier, space is the perfect place to sleep. Cold, quiet, and dark. The problem with most space movies is they tend to have a lot of eye opening action going on sometime in the plot. Not so with this sleep inducing menace. You can pop this one in the old dvd slot without fear of anything awesome ever happening. Just a bunch of stale dialog and quiet scenes of outer space. You will wake up in the morning refreshed and well rested with the title screen happily playing nice, quiet, boring space music.

The 9 Best Fights You Will See On The Internet

2009-05-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

Leonard-Hagler

I know what you're thinking. "Boxing sucks, apart from quick knockouts, the guys just dance around the ring." Not so in this case. Im putting up round 6 because I know this is the internet and your attention span doesn't last long enough to watch the whole fight. This round will give you an idea of the pace of the entire fight. These guys look like they genuinely hate each other and really want to kick each other's asses. Boxing fans will know this is one of the greatest fights of all time. For non-boxing fans, just give it twenty seconds. This wasn't a boxing match, this was a street fight with gloves.

Frye vs Takayama

You have never heard of these guys. That's ok. Ass kicking fights are ass kicking fights, doesn't matter whether you have heard of the guys or not. Watch how they punch each other in the face... repeatedly. Really hard. For a long time.

Flyers Vs Senators

There is an old saying: "I was at a fight and a hockey game broke out." This next video embodies that principle. If you didn't like the first two fights, you will love this one. This shit goes on for like 4 minutes and guys get knocked the fuck out. Just about everyone on the ice finds someone to exchange punches with. Arguably, and ironically, hockey is more violent than either of the above sports.

A soccer game

Or football for those of you across the pond. Whatever you want to call it, just make sure you don't make the mistake most Americans do and think that it is for girls. These guys are rough and like to fight. This next video is a compilation of many fights. To pick just one would be blasphemy.

Fans vs Security Guards

Speaking of football, it's not just the players that like to kick ass, though they do join in on this brawl. These security guards take it upon themselves to beat the shit out of one rabid fan when the rest of the rabid fans and the rabid players take exception and return the ass kicking in droves. Enjoy this one, I know I did.

Some crazy dudes

The best fights don't always take place in a sanctioned event. These next two guys just didn't like each other for some reason. They start out in a clinch and just start punching the fuck out of each other. Fighting in front of a crowd of thousands for money is one thing. Fighting in front of a crowd of a few guys for respect is an entirely different deal.

EMBED-American street fight - Watch more free videos

Russian gang fight

What do you get when you mix two large groups of fuckers who hate each other and some molatov cocktails? People get knocked the fuck out is what you get. I'm not sure who they were or what they were even fighting for, but it must have been something important. Or maybe it wasn't, who cares? Mayhem ftw!

Dude vs crowd

In this case, the dude wins. Everyone that brings some kind of move on him gets knocked the fuck out. The rest of the crowd gets a bit less than brave after seeing the first two get handled. Either this was a crowd of pussies or this guy is a god damn ninja.

Porn star fight!

Yep, that's right. One of these chicks, the girl in yellow I believe but don't quote me on that, actually goes on to be a porn star... proving that some porn stars have a good right hook. Actually, I didn't see the right hook. You probably won't either. But you will see a pipe to the dome...

EMBED-Bikini Contest Cat Fight - Watch more free videos

9 Habits That Make You An Asshole

2009-05-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

1. Not tipping
People who provide good service should always be tipped. Don’t be an asshat. Folks in certain industries depend on that shit. If someone goes out of their way to ensure your happiness, you can come off a few bucks. Non-tippers deserve to be nut-kicked by a concrete boot.

2. Not controlling your kids
It seems everywhere I go these days some wild ass little fucktard is running around a public place (stores…theaters…public parks) bothering otherwise decent folks with their monkey-like annoyance while their parents look on helplessly. Red Foreman would not put up with such behavior. We need more guys like Red Foreman in this world.

3. Driving slow
No one likes to be stuck behind the guy who has to slow to a turtle-crawl to make a left turn at a stoplight which only stays green for so many seconds. Turning a vehicle is not a complicated task. If your brain can not function in such a timely manner you should not be allowed to drive. Other people would like to make that turn as well. Don’t be a dick.

4. Not picking up your trash
We all know at least one guy always leaves a little piece of whatever he was doing on your end table or floor after he is gone. There are always trash cans around. Not using a receptacle to rid yourself of trash is just lazy. Like the old owl used to say, “Give a hoot, Throw your fucking trash away!”

5. Holding up lines
If there is even one person waiting behind you it is common courtesy to do what the fuck you came to do and move on. No one has time to wait on a person who has had ample opportunity to decide what they wanted before they got to the counter. Holding up other folks makes you a dredge on society’s functionality. Please think about this thoroughly the next time you plan on taking fifteen minutes in the express lane learning to write a check for a 7$ purchase.

6. Not yielding for pedestrians
In case you were wondering… yes, the phrase “the pedestrian always has the right of away” is meant to be taken literally. It is not going to kill you to observe the rules of the road and wait a few seconds for an old lady to finish crossing the street before you attempt to run her down. Decent folks who do not see the need to drive everywhere should not be at risk of their lives every time they enter the realm of the crosswalk because some idiot soccer mom bought an SUV and absolutely can’t be arsed to spare ten seconds of her day to let some kid cross the damn street.

7. Asking stupid questions in public
If you are going to be a dumb-ass, please do so in the privacy of your own home. Regaling others with the scope of your stupidity in such places as a fast food lunch counter or the local supermarket checkout line does not make you cool. Asking such things as “How late are you open?” when there is a clear-as-day sign on the door as you walk in lacks common sense. While it may be true that ignorance is bliss, it is exactly the opposite for those who are forced to witness it.

8. Arguing with your girl in public
Not a single person in this world cares the least little bit about your relationship problems. Whenever I see some asshole and his significant other acting like children in front of total strangers the first thought that comes to my mind is the need to bring back the old tar and feathering punishment. There are reasons you have your own home. One of them is so other people aren’t bothered with your failed love life.

9. Thinking you are too cool for the rest of society
Everyone hates the type of people who walk around with sticks stuck up their asses. Old Chuck was right when he said we are all part of the same shit heap. In essence we are all just animals roaming this earth. In a perfect world everyone would be treated with equal consequences and respect by everyone else. This planet would be such a nicer place to live if everyone could follow that simple rule.

9 Ways to Die Like A Man

2009-05-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

1. Down Mexico way… in a hail of bullets!

After a long chase and a few bank robberies while the federales have got you surrounded. Most guys would throw their hands in the air and go away peacefully. Guys like Johnny Cash kick everyones ass and have to die of old age.

2. Tortured to death by spies while not giving up any information

Especially chick spies who are hot. However, if you get caught by chick spies that are hot, you're a pussy. Sean Connery would fucking smack down a chick spy, even a hot one. When I say 'smack down' I mean punch dead in the nose and knock the fuck out cold.

3. Being thrown off a high structure with your arch enemy in tow

The trick here is when you get the slightest feeling you are going to fall spear the guy you're fighting right into oblivion. Before you do it, say something cool and awesome like "Come fly away with me", but not in a gay way. Remember, if you screw up the cool last words you're not dying like a man, you're going out like a stuttering fool.

4. On a pirate ship fighting a storm

Only pussies use lifeboats. Real men fight the sea even if it kills them. During the storm, you have to swing your arms and yell at the sky while cursing God, Poseidon, The Keebler Elves, me for writing this article, Forrest Gump, your 4th grade teacher, hookers, Richard Nixon, and anyone else you can think of. If you make it through and go back out to find another storm, You're not just dying like a man, you're dying like an awesome fucking rough bastard.

5. Alone on a far away planet, with a bomb that was meant for Earth

It is inevitable that one day aliens will show up with a big ass bomb and try to blow up Earth because they are jealous of our freedom. Somebody is going to have to steal that bomb and deliver it back to the outsider scum, sacrificing his life with a cool smirk on his face. The whole process will involve drawing short straws against long ones and then making Bruce Willis do it anyways.

6. While having a threesome

If you are going to go out… it might as well be at the top. Or on the bottom. Or in the Middle. Or on the side with your leg bent just off the bed. Just make sure it doesn't happen with two ugly, fat chicks. Getting crushed to death by Rhinos is manly only if the rhinos are real and not just rhino sized chicks who will not call an ambulance but just eat all your foodz and dump your body in the river.

7. By an assassins bullet after a great speech

If your last thought is "Damn, that was a good speech, but I do regret not wearing that bullet proof vest that is sitting on my nightstand..." then your death was a good one. If your revolution is successful, people will put your face on t-shirts for all of time. If not, enjoy the Hitler section of the history books.

8. Killed after running through the evil king or general with your sword

Like BraveHeart did. Oh... wait, he didn't. But he tried. The Patriot did it. This is a lesson in life. Sometimes Mel Gibson wins, sometimes he loses. Sometimes he makes gay ass movies and other times he makes the most awesome shit you will ever see in your life. Mel's movies always deserve a chance.

9. Defending your land from invading foreigners

Especially if there are only 300 of you and a million Persian cowards. This doesn't count if you are Arab because you aren't really defending 'your' land. You are defending land that the greedy Jews will just steal from you someday and turn into coffee shops and that charge outrageous prices for a product that should cost a quarter and be bottomless all god damn night.

9 Ways To Get Revenge On Your Enemies

2009-05-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

1. Screw his wife

This works best if you do it in full view of the entire internet. I mean… it works either way, but it’s a better dish if served up over a few entertainment websites. Give the video a “300” theme: make her call you “Leonidas” and scream “FOR SPARTA!” as you get down. Can you say epic?

2. Piss on his toothbrush

Dress up like a maintenance worker, Bruce Lee your way into his bathroom, and let loose a steady stream of cheap, regurgitated beer onto the head of his favorite tooth cleaner. Then take a shit in his toilet and don’t flush. He will believe the unflushed dump was your plan and won’t give a second thought to what else you may have done. Sweet success…

3. Slay him in combat

When all else fails, you can always go back to the old school. Gather your sword and shield and look for the offending party on the battlefield! If you can’t find a battlefield a parking lot will do. If no parking lots are available an isle at the local grocery store will do. Since broadswords aren’t allowed in most places of commerce, you will have to use a zucchini instead. Have you ever seen a man beat to death with a zucchini? It is fucking hilarious…

4. Chase him with a dead mouse

Although they never let on, most arch-enemies are deathly afraid of dead rodents. Follow yours into a public place and jump out from behind a tree without warning. Scream “DEAD MOUSE!” and wave the deceased marsupial through the air like a French white sheet before a battle while running wildly towards your target. He will instinctively run and everyone within earshot will know he is really a woman who is scared of a tiny, harmless mouse.

5. Drink his last beer

Infiltrating a man’s fridge is never an easy task; it could very well be guarded by hungry dogs and sleeping dragons. The last can of cold brew will definitely be booby trapped. It will take an effort of Indiana Jones proportions to procure such a treasure. Drinking it, however, quenches the thirst for vengeance with cold purity. When done, replace the empty bottle after leaving a post-it note with your name stuck to the label. Bonus points: pee in the empty bottle and leave the note on the backside of the label.

6. Reformat his hard drive

Nothing hurts a man more than losing all of his porn. Take away his music collection in the process and you have achieved nothing less than a devastating attack, possibly even a killing blow. It takes two seconds to go to Start-Run, type “format c:” into the blank prompt, and hit “enter”. To undo such an act takes technical miracles. If, while involved in such an act, you hear a deep voice say “Fatality” out of nowhere, buy yourself some ice cream. You win.

7. Eat food that he was saving

When a man is looking forward to eating something and it disappears… well, let’s just say some things make getting kicked in the balls seem not so bad. Make sure the empty container is left in your wake so that he suspects nothing at first. Upon opening the package, his screams of pain will be able to be heard for at least a ten mile radius.

8. Infest his lair with termites

Unassuming little bugs who eat peoples houses are the ultimate tool of revenge. With the right placement, and given enough time to work unnoticed, an assholes tool shed can be rendered useless. He will then be forced to work on shit in his driveway and all shall see him sawing wood for a new hideout in shame. Bonus if the driveway is all that is left of his house as well…

9. Kick him in the balls

Remember, way back in reason 7, when I said some things make a kick in the balls seem not so bad? That was a dirty fucking lie. It is, however, a very nearly forbidden move for any man to pull off on another. It should be reserved only for guys who have killed your family or burned your village and those dirty dirty spammers from Nigeria. Actually, the entire country of Nigeria deserves a collective kick in the balls. Bastards.

6 Awesome Ways Humanity Could End But Probably Won't

2009-05-16T23:21:00.001-07:00

Velociraptor zombies:

Imagine if the night of the living dead took place right outside of jurassic park. Scenario: One of the mindless zombies wanders into a pack of velociraptors and gets torn to shreds. The raptors start to bite their buddies. 20 minutes later... we are all fucked.

Raptors are seriously pretty bad ass on their own. Add the undead quality and insatiable appetite for brains to their razor sharp claws and lighting quickness and what you are left with is something that would make even the great Leonidas himself run away crying like an alter boy from the Vatican date night.

Roaming packs of velociprator zombies would seriously effect the balance of humans to velociraptor zombies on this planet. Those who aren't decimated in the first wave of attacks would definitely end up dying of "I-shit-my-pants-so-bad-I-keeled-over-dead". Trust me, the latter is NOT the best way to go.

Only Solution: Super awesome raptor-zombie killing laser guns

Vampire Sharks with wings

Dracula gets stuck at sea and tries to bite a shark, who then proceeds to own his undead ass and drain all the demon blood from his body. Him and his buddies proceed to bite each other... then, evolution shows up and gives the shark reptiles wings.

There are only two things that can kill a vampire: sun and a stake to the heart. The thickness of the sharks skin rules out the sun. It also nearly rules out anyone thinking they are bad ass enough to try the stake to the heart thing. If any amongst us did pull out enough balls to try such a thing, well... we would remember him well. Or as a dumb ass. Most likely the latter.

Most of us would rather drink Drano than deal with one of these flying torpedos of blood sucking hatred. You might be safe if you live in a desert far far away from the sea, at least until evolution figures that one out too.

Solution: Super-smart flying super-sharp treetrunk missiles

Super Sized Tarantula Navy SEALS

Let's just say the government was experimenting with training tarantulas to infultrate terrorist hideouts and kill everyone inside. One day a drunk scientist spills a vial of supersize serum on the latest graduating class of the SEAL school for spider soldiers. Then they drink some angry juice. Then... it is on like Donkey Kong.

Large tarantulas are bad enough as it is, give them the training to take out a battalion of soldiers between four of them... oh ya, and the angry juice... and we are pretty much up shit creek with toothpicks for paddles. The worst part is: you won't even know your dead until the large spider straw already has half your guts sucked out. Oh, and because of the angry juice, they will probably berate you the entire time.

Of course, those of us who happen to have large vats of spider spray in our backyards might be safe... if we can catch them without their gas masks. However, considering the logistics of such a thing, any laymen can tell you were pretty much ass-raped on that plan.

Solution: Chainsaws... lots of chainsaws

Rogue Pirate Gigantosaurus Ninjas

Don't even ask me how these would come about. The effects, however, of large teeth filed killing machines showing up at port, raping women, stealing all the gold, eating everything in sight, and doing it so quietly that no one ever knew what happened, would be, well... since all of us are dead and none of us knew what happened, pretty much nil. At least there wold be nothing for us to discuss...

Those of us lucky enough to get caught in the first wave will get the added bonus of not having to know what's coming. The ones who do know what's coming will still be pretty much in the dark due to the fact these things are not only killer dinosaurs and righteous pirates, but also ninjas who leave no trace. Im sure, however, there would be video on YouTube.

Solution: A big fat joint and tall building to jump off

Terminator Nanobots

At first it would be a source of great hilarity... these tiny little robots telling us "Give me your clothes". The jokes would end however, when one of the little bastards got in through your ear and started pulling brain stems from spinal cords like it was their job.

Soon they would master the use of thumbtacks and small, rusty nails. Every time you stomp on one he would slither his way into your blood stream and not only eat your cancer, but every other piece of protein based meat in your body (Read: all). Christian Bale could yell at them all day long, questioning their professionalism and threatening to get them fired from the set. Alas, that shit only works on key grips and drunken sailors.

Solution: Not Christian Bale, that's for sure

12/21/12: Google becomes self-aware

I know what you're thinking... "How can Google be worse than Velocirapter Zombies?" Well, First velociraptor zombies don't know everything about you. Your purchases, the news sites you like, your sick porn search history... By 2012, every single man, woman, and child on earth will be in Google's database, unless they are poor and don't matter anyways.

Ask yourself this: What would you do if Google demanded your allegiance? Switch to Yahoo? That isn't even an option. You would cry like a politician without pork and kill whomever it told you to in order to get those sweet, sweet search results. It's like crack man. Nuclear codes would be freely given (As if they don't have those already) and all who don't have a Gmail account will be forsaken. How many times do you hit Google a day? Nuff said.

Solution: Nothing, bow to the Google God!

The Hottest Peppers/Non-Peppers In The World

2009-05-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

The Ghost Chili

Also known as the Ghost Pepper, King Cobra Chili, the Poison Chili Pepper, and it's native name "Buht Jolokia" (lol 'buht'), this chili is regarded by the Guinness Book Of World Records as the hottest fucking plant on this planet. To give you an idea of how hot this fucker really is, it has a rating of over 1 million on the 'Scoville Scale'. A Habanero ranks up to 350,000. It will indeed burn your ass on the way out. However...

Blairs 16 Million Reserve

If you think the Ghost Chili is hot, check this shit out. The name, '16 Million Reserve' is not just a marketing tool. It ranks fucking 16 million on the Scoville Scale. It comes in a vial of 1 ml and you have to sign a release just to buy it, stating if you die it is your own fault. Yes, you could die. It is not even a 'hot sauce', it is a chemical compound.

Blairs 6 AM

Another product from Blairs, which also retains a 16 million on the old ScoScale, this product comes with a warning: 'Avoid any and all skin contact!' That means you don't have to actually eat it for it to fuck you up... you just have to touch it. Or convince someone else to touch it for lulz.

You may be looking at the above paragraphs and thinking "That ain't shit, I can handle it!" Imagine spraying police strength pepper spray on your tongue. Sound painful? It really isn't, seeing as how that stuff only ranks 5.5 on the above mentioned scale. In other words, the homegrown pepper will only fuck you up half as bad, but the Blairs... let's just say it is more than double the pain you would receive mouthing off to the Toronto Police department during a peace protest.

For something more along the lines of good hot wings, you would be better off staying away from everything I have already mentioned. Far, far away. Your best bet in that catagory is going with something like "Dave's Insanity". It is up to around 180,000 on the heat scale. Throw a couple of drops in a gallon of wing sauce (READ: 2 drops, NO MORE) and watch your friends writhe on the floor in pain at the next sporting event you host.

A couple of years ago I had a drop of Dave's on the end of a toothpick. Remember, this is only a fraction of the Blairs and 18/100's of the Ghost Chili. Let's just say, for the entire next morning, I was butthurt. You know... to hell with the text descriptions. Let's take a look at what eating a hot pepper can do to you with visuals...

Much lulz to be had there. Anyways, remember this; what those guys just ate was only 1/16 the power of the Chemical Compounds listed second and third respectively. 1/16. That is the difference between being punched in the face by a cancer patient and Mike Tyson's meaner older brother who has a penchant for brass knuckles.

Until next time, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM BLAIRS 16 MILLION PRODUCTS. If you do happen to think you're a bad ass though, please send me the video.

9 Ways Sarah Palin Would Have Embarrassed Us Had McCain Been Elected

2009-05-13T17:08:00.000-07:00

1. Called a press conference to denounce Canada

Late one night in early January, after ordering Canadian bacon and receiving 'ham', an outraged Vice-President Palin calls a press conference to denounce anything Canadian. When informed that hockey, her kids favorite sport that none of them plays, was indeed Canada's national pastime, she had this to say; "..."

2. Her husband embarrassed all men

All real men paused from chopping wood and facepalmed today when Mrs. Palin's husband, what's-his-name, took five across the eyes for having an opinion in front of his wife earlier today. When asked for a comment, White House spokesman Rush Limbaugh held his tongue lest he be the next victim of the SarahSlap Express...

3. Tried to drive to Puerto Rico

Awkward silence reigned early this afternoon as the Vice-Presidential motorcade halted in South Florida and embarrassingly had to turn around after finding out that Puerto Rico was actually farther from the coastline than the three inches shown on the map. An unflinching Sarah Palin just shrugged and demanded the driver take her to Guatemala instead, since they were in the neighborhood...

4. Tried to vote in the Senate

Former Presidential candidate, Senator Barrack Obama, in a long speech, explained to Vice-President Palin late last week that she actually couldn't vote on anything in the senate. Her insistence that she was the 'leader' and he should just 'Respect her athoriti!' fell on deaf ears as the other senators were too busy laughing at Joe Biden's behind-the-podium mocking of all parties involved.

5. Had daughter's baby's daddy fired from being American

In a bold move this morning, the guy who knocked up the Vice-President's daughter was given his walking papers and a job mowing lawns in Siberia. When asked for a comment, the VP's daughter immediately slept with the first reporter who asked and is now pregnant by some blogger in Pennsylvania.

6. Declared war on teh interwebz

The internet collective laughed out loud for real last Thursday when Sarah 'a pig can wear lipstick' Palin declared war and sent troops to 'the tubez'. Military leaders, while baffled at the decision, armed themselves with keyboards and got ready for battle. "We will fight them, I guess in the forums?" a random General, who refused to be named, was heard to say...

7. Spent the stimulus money on dresses

Reports that the much awaited stimulus package set to be sent to taxpayers was spent on 'dresses and other pretty stuff' outraged reporters and the public alike early this weekend. Fox news, however, complimented the Vice-President on her choices of accessories in a special report Sunday night. While Tom Brokaw asked "What the fuck shit fuck shit?", Fox Reporter Sean Hannity chastised viewers for being poor.

8. Mistaked China for Japan, condemned all Nintendo products as 'Communist'

In a move that shocked and confused little kids and adults alike, Vice-President Sarah Palin outlawed all sales of the popular Nintendo Wii a few hours ago, commenting that 'those commies will no longer be allowed to pedal their wares to our young children!" When told that Japan was not a communist country and... 'um... wtf?', she promptly responded by citing John McCains war record and saying the words 'hockey mom' 15 times before the news reporters just decided 'fuck it, I'm going home."

9. New email address: vicepresident@yahoo.com

Armed with a new password question that she swore no one would ever guess, VP Palin opened up her new free account last Tuesday and began sending notices to all her MySpace friends. Three hours later, her entire contact list was sent pictures of herpes infected penises. A 16 year old from Omaha was arrested Wednesday morning and sent to GITMO pending charges of 'Using Wikipedia for acts of terrorism'.

9 Differences Between Imageboards and Real Life

2009-05-12T17:00:00.001-07:00

1. Women usually GTFO b4 tits

Though not always, a woman is most likely to walk away before she shows you her breasts when given the two options by a random stranger after trying to add her input to the conversation. The 1% of the time she does choose option A, you are usually left asking yourself if the tits were worth her blabbering opinion anyways... Protip: the answer is always 'no'.

2. Encouraging suicide is not acceptable

Most times when you see a guy about to jump from a building or ready to take a dive off a bridge, the normal response is "It's not worth it man!", not "DO IT FAG!" Like number one, however, there are exceptions. Enron execs, Emos, and girls who gave you crabs are all fair game. In those instances, a subtle little push is not out of the question...

3. Cats are boring creatures

Without the funny captions, cats just sit around, shit, and eat foodz. Dogs are much funner to be around. They show appreciation, like to play, and will bite the shit out of anyone trying to fuck with you or steal your shit. In the latter case, a cat will just sit around, whore for attention, and maybe even help the thieves load the truck...

4. We don't show up at people's funerals just to point and laugh

If funerals were held on the internet, imageboards would be all over it. Myspace and Facebook pages are fair game though. And 99% of the time the assholes deserve it, dead or not. For some of these fucks, if it did happen in real life it would be great justice. Too bad none of us are members of the Westboro Baptist Church...

5. Pools are hardly ever closed

Whereas in some places, it is always closed. It is always because of teh AIDS. For a reason I will not state here, AIDS seems to always affect the pool. This rule, however, happens to have an exception as well. Let's all have a laugh as we watch this (surpise!) Fox news report about pools and the closing thereof...

6. When a girls disses you, your friends will help you get revenge

Another protip: you have no friends on Imageboards. Make an ill-advised personal army request and just see what happens. You may end up needing new curtains, having to buy a dog, and telling the whole thing to (suprise again!) Fox news. You're better off just posting that bitches name and number on Craigslist with the caption "Free Pussy Tonight" and just knowing the lulz will happen.

7. There are girls in real life

It's true! They are not just a rumor. You can find them in places like shopping malls and tanning salons. "But zero, what's a 'tanning salon'?" Come on dude, don't bother me with trivial questions. It is a place where cows go to get their hides branded with the name of the cowboy who owns them. What women are doing there, I have no idea.

8. Most people can be proud of the places they visit

Rules 1 and 2. Don't give me that "Only applies to raids, fag" shit either. If you think putting the name of an imageboard on a t-shirt and wearing it in public makes you cool you are sadly mistaken. The only possible outcome, other than someone kicking your ass like you deserve, is we find a pic, point, laugh, and tell you to GTFO. You don't have to say it for people to know what you mean...

9. You will not disappear simply by saying a name

Candleja...

Why We Laugh When People Get Hurt

2009-05-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

Old man fight

Guy hit with bat

Alien wake-up prank goes bad

Guy Gets kicked in balls

Those are some funny videos. No one can deny that. Some of them you may have seen before, some not. Doesn't matter. If you don't laugh at the point of impact, then you do once you see the guy writhing in pain. As long as he is not dead or paralyzed, we laugh. Sometimes, we even laugh then. But why?

As it turns out, we aren't all just rotten fuckers who derive pleasure from the misfortune of others. Or, actually, we are. But it is not our fault. It is the way our brain functions.

Science even has a term for it. "Schadenfreude" It is a German word that I swear doesn't mean "haha jew roast!" Instead, it has something to do with 'enjoying the trivial suffering of others'. Apparently, the Germans aren't the only ones to have a word for it. Just about every single language humans speak has a term to describe what we on the internet refer to as 'lol pwnzd'.

So why doesn't your girlfriend laugh when you get drunk and kick her brother in the balls? Not surprisingly, it is a decidedly male trait.

Our brains have what is called an 'empathy center'. During several studies, scientists have found that this section, which some of those very same scientists believe is in the parietal cortex part of the brain, lights up during certain sets of circumstances. The studies have found that this part of the brain lights up when we see what we perceive as 'bad' people get hurt. However, in men, and not women, it also lights up when we see anyone get hurt, regardless of whether they are bad, good, or some dude we don't even know.

It may also have something to do with envy as well. Those very same studies, that I keep quoting but won't link to because you have Google you fuckers, show that there might very well be a correlation between the misfortune that we have suffered ourselves and just wanting to see others go through it too. Especially when we subconsciencly see those people as more successful than we are. In other words, screw those guys for having more money/better cars/hotter girlfriends than we do, let them get kicked in the balls for our amusement.

This makes sense. I mean, how many of us laugh when a homeless man takes a unprovoked shot from a rich pompous bastard? Not many, most of us wish the ill will on the perpetrator, seeing as how we don't see the homeless man as having something we wish we did. Unless we see ourselves as worse off than the homeless man, and in that case it is damn funny.

This also explains why we don't like to see animals get hurt, but a human doesn't bother us. We see animals as innocent creatures undeserving of spontaneous violence. Humans, however, as we explained earlier, are by nature rotten bastards who deserve everything they get. Unless... of course, they are less well off than we are. At least the male ones anyways.

To sum this all up in one simple sentence: We laugh because that is how evolution made us.

Websites All Pirates Should Bookmark

2009-05-10T09:46:00.001-07:00

The Pirate Bay

Of course. Since the murder of Torrentspy, this has been the top dog of all torrent sites. However, lately they have been close to suffering the same fate. With the owners facing a vacation in the big house, now is the time to get what you can and get the fuck out. All good things come to an end and all good torrent sites eventually get shut down. Lucky for us there will always be someone to take their place. Like your mom did with the town slut back in the early eighties.

Watch Movies Online

Probably one of the best search engines for streaming sites anywhere, ever. If it is out there, these guys know about it and have it cataloged and voted on. They have a pretty active community and usually more than one source for the movies listed. Protip: avoid Megaupload links. You can only watch about 45 minutes before they try to make you pay. Just like your mom.

Joox

A smaller site that I'm surprised not many people know about. Just about every movie that passes through the internet hits the front page for at least two or three days. As a bonus, download links are usually faster than your mom after two drinks of gin.

OVguide.com

You can not find movies on this site, but you can find links to just about every site in the universe that you can find movies on. When looking for a movie, I like to use this as a starting point. Kind of like your mom when I'm looking for a hooker.

Google Video

I'm often shocked at the amount of people who have no idea how rampant piracy runs on the world's greatest search engine. If you know what your looking for you can find some real gems with a simple search. Surprisingly, Google doesn't moderate for piracy as much as some of the smaller sites. I don't think they are too worried about getting sued. Unlike your mom after the great ought-six outbreak of herpes...

DivxMovies4u

I know, the name sounds like a Thai hooker is trying to sell you divx movies, but this site has a pretty good selection. (The mom jokes were getting lame so I threw some racism in there to throw you off) The layout of the site is pretty good and the list of movies is sweet, sweet, scrolling goodness.

Icefilms

While it does look like every other streaming site on the net, it does something that the others don't. It automatically removes dead links. This means you don't get all frustrated when you see a link to an old aliens flick you have been wanting to see for years and the god damn thing doesn't work, sending you into a whore slapping rage that your mom will never forgive you for.

Ninjavideo

Screw this site and the bitch who runs it. Nothing ever fucking works. Know what it is and steer your pirate ship elsewhere.

Frostwire

This isn't a site, but a free pro version of Limewire available to the masses. Not that you couldn't just get the free version of Limewire and download the pro version from that, but you get the idea. It just makes life a little easier. Kind of like the credit card swiper down the back of your moms ass.

Thats the list. Hope you found something new. If you are left saying 'meh, I have already heard of all those...', well... fuck you, you ungrateful shit. I hope you get raped ect. Or you can be helpful and leave your favorite sites in a comment.

Bonus for reading: Link to new Star Trek Film:

Watch Full

9 Reasons I Hate Chuck Norris

2009-05-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

1. His internet fanboys

You know who I am talking about. Every now and then I will be in a chat room, minding my own business, trying to talk football or lolcats or naked breasts with a fellow interwebz dweller and some asshat will show up and be all like "Chuck Norris kicks your asses!" Chuck Norris is so old he cant even get out of bed anymore. You faggots need to go back to your "I heart teh 80's" irc fapfests and leave the rest of us to our sick porn and jokes that are actually funny.

2. Those fucking infomercials

How many times do they have to play before we all get 'perfect abs'? The answer is: more than any of us can ever stand. The Bowflex is a piece of shit machine made of two dollar rubber bands that totally unsuccesfully tries to steal the thunder of a bow and arrow. Whenever you have to steal the thunder of the oldest projectile weapon known to man, save throwing a rock at your enemy, you are reaching too far.

3. His acting

Chuck Norris played Chuck Norris in every movie he ever made. Granted, so does, Bruce Willis, but Bruce Willis is at least believable when his wife leaves him, his kids hate him, and terrorists die. There is a reason old Chuck has skipped every awards fest ever known to show business: he wasn't invited.

4. Worst. Internet. Meme. Ever.

As a collective, we have seen some pretty bad internet memes. I'm looking at you, THEBESTTHEBESTTHEBEST ECT. But even the most annoying of repeated phrases is 9000 times more tolerable than some gayboy prick acting like he is the king of the internet because he thinks sucking Chuck's e-penis makes him any cooler of an asshole than any of the rest of us. You can replace 'Chuck Norris' with 'Maddox' and the same rings true.

5. His beard isn't even awesome

Awesome man-beards have shown up throughout history. Abe Lincoln, William Riker, Sean Connery... notice how none of these belong to anyone who ever made a movie titled 'Missing in Action 9 1/2: Still cashing in on the Rambo craze 20 years later". It is a little known fact that Chuck's beard is nothing more than the embaressed chest hair that Bruce Lee ripped off in that movie so many years ago, too scared to ever show its face anywhere Bruce's hand once was.

6. He doesn't smoke cigarettes

Every bad ass in the history of the world has smoked cigarettes. The one exception is Bruce Lee, and that is only because he didn't smoke cigarettes, cigrettes smoked him. Do you see what I'm saying by how frickin lame those jokes are? They work like smoking crack out of a Pepsi bottle. They don't. How do I know that doesn't work? Let's just say college was a crazy time...

7. Name one movie he was in that didn't suck

Go ahead, we will all wait here while you frantically check IMDB. Ten minutes later, when you come back full of fail, we will all point and laugh while only slightly mentioning the fact that every movie Brad Pitt has made to date has been better than your mom's tits with a dollar in her g-string. It's cool, don't worry; we won't judge. We all had to do things we aren't proud of to pay for ramen at one point in life...

8. Chuck can't read

Why do you think I am writing this without fear of retribution? Have you ever seen 'The Best Damn Sports Show Period'? Did you see him try to read some of the Chuck Norris Facts? Not since Katie Couric made Sarah Palin eat shit has someone struggled so hard not to piss themselves in public. "Nay!" you say? lol, YouTube embed...

9. Chuck Norris has never won a word title in anything

Brock Lesnor, Eli Manning, Buster Douglas... what do all these guys have in common? They have all won a world title in something. Buster Douglas for fuck's sake. Any time you claim to be a bad ass and Buster Douglas is on a list that you are not, even Epic Fail Guy himself feels bad for you. Me, I just take a shit. I don't feel bad for anyone, I just take shits.

The Truth Behind the Death of Hunter S Thompson

2009-05-08T16:13:00.001-07:00

It was a dark and stormy night. Not really, it was actually a pretty nice day outside. The common misconception that nothing bad ever happens unless it is raining was about to be shattered, completely, totally, and utterly, by a single gunshot.

It was the day the greatest sportswriter of our time, and the most revered Gonzo journalist ever, Doctor Hunter S Thompson, was about to make his final curtain call.

The official story is suicide. He finally got sick of all the bullshit and put one last wild shot in the apex of his creativity. However, after late-night meetings with gin drunk ex-interns and back alley encounters with shifty-eyed go-betweens, I have uncovered the true story behind the good doctor's demise.

Old Hunter was on the verge of breaking the biggest story of his long and illustrious career. He had uncovered what is possibly the largest conspiracy known to man. It involved the most powerful people in the world and would take down the entire infrastructure of our society as we know it today.

It was all in his notebook... a notebook I have right here in front of me as I type these very words...

It starts with GW Bush, then president of the United States. In early 2000, he had a secret meeting with certain powerful figures... with the express intention to completely and totally control the events of the next 16 years.

Attending that meeting was Rupert Murdoch, Bill Gates, Dick Cheney, George Lucas, Michael Moore, Osama Bin Laden, General George Washington's wooden teeth, Abe Lincolns beard, the Olsen twins, Hillary Clinton's disgruntled ex-maid, and a young senator from Illinois going by the name of Barack Obama.

I know what your thinking. "God damn you, zero, for sucking me into another one of your bullshit tirades blah blah blah I hope you get raped by a horse!" Yeah, yeah, I have heard it all before. Suspend your disbelief and read on.

It was shortly after that meeting that the good Doctor was approached by several members of the New England Patriots offensive line, angered over the planned Super Bowl loss in 2008 to then snot nosed junior high punk Eli Manning. From there, he put together the pieces of the most sinister plot ever heard of, seen, or witnessed by hordes and gaggles of slackjawed yokels ever known in the history of man.

GW Bush was actually the alien Xenu, famed Scientology villain and Tom Cruise's arch-nemesis, disguised as a Texan. He would go to war with Iraq not for oil as some would believe, but to avenge the death of his alien brethren Jesus Christ, who was also a Jew. We all know Arabs hate Jews. This is also why Germany had such a rough time accepting old GW. After all these years the old genetic Juden radars still work.

Bill Gates was to ruin the entire internet with Windows ME, by making it crash every 5 minutes. This part of the plan was almost ruined when Ubuntu hit the scene, but since people are generally sheep and follow the latest trends like like lemmings jumping into the sea, he still had a way out. He was able to keep his part of the bargain by releasing Windows XP, which only wouldn't work sometimes.

Rupert Murdoch was easily able to make Fox News divert people from the truth with silly stories about 'internet hackers on steroids', while George Lucas had no problem making three Star Wars movies that suck. Michael Moore and Osama Bin Laden almost blew the whole thing when they were caught sleeping together, but that crisis was averted when the chick who caught them, Stephanie Myers, was awarded a lucrative book deal.

The Olsen twins of course had nothing to do with anything and were only at the meeting because George Washington's wooden teeth are kind of pedo. Abe Lincoln's beard did it's job perfectly, making us all jealous of its sweet, sweet, curly locks. Hillary Clinton's disgruntled ex-maid? You now know her as Sarah Palin.

Which brings us to the charismatic young senator from Illinois. It was he who showed up on Thompson's compound in Colorado that dark and dreary (Actually sunny and bright) fateful day. As the story was about to be broken he saw his future presidential hopes being slowly flushed down the toilet. It was his gun that took the life of the great Doctor Thompson.

Yes, I said it, Barack Obama Killed Doctor Hunter S Thompson. And on his way out, he killed Kenny too. That Bastard!

While nothing above is in the least bit factual, except I suspect the part about Sarah Palin, it is the way the good doctor would have wanted it. Some internet hack dredging up his death years after the occurrence to get some cheap, quick hits.

Here's to you, Doctor Thompson. We will never forget.

The 7 Hottest Lesbians

2009-05-07T18:33:00.000-07:00

1. Angelina Jolie

Frickin Brad Pitt is the luckiest guy in the world. Well... except the fact that he has to take care of all those kids she adopts, which by last count leaves little time for hot lesbian action. Even two minutes a day would do it though. Hell, I would care for the entire population of homeless Mexican kids for two minutes a day.

2. Christina Aguilera

This hot little vixen has admitted more than once she likes a little girl tongue in her mouth... and I don't mean her own. While her singing sucks and I would rather stab my self in the ears with a dull spoon handle than sit through one of her songs, I would keep my eyes intact. My eyes and my penis, for obvious reasons.

3. Lindsey Lohan

Hot? Check. Likes to party? Check. Likes to sex up other chicks? Fucking check! It is not rehab Lindsey needs, like so many of her friends and probation officers publicly exclaim.. nope, it is a camcorder, fast internet connection, and YouTube account... and a spectator, just to make sure it is all real. I nominate my penis.

4. Nelly Furtado

She is like a bird... she will only fly away. But before she does, if we're lucky she will feel up some boobs before she takes off. Recently, she came out and stated she wanted to have her own gay pride parade. I think I speak for the entire internet when I say I will beat the ass of anyone who protests and tries to get in the way of a possible middle-of-the-street make-out session.

5. Lucy Liu

I fricking knew it. When I seen the way she looked at Uma Therman in "Kill Bill 2", all I could think was 'can it be carpet munching tiem nao'? Her admitting to kissing other chicks was the single greatest achievement in the entire history of any Asian culture anywhere, ever. Even better than when Bruce Lee ripped the chest hair from Chuck Norris's very chest.

6. Drew Berrymore

A while back, the chick who was once the little girl from ET admitted to liking women 'sexually'. By 'sexually' she meant "HELL YEAH I LIKE TO CHUM TUNA!" No wonder she slept with Tom Green. Without the cheesy goatee, he is half chick himself.

7. Michelle Rodriguez

This chick looks like she might just kick your ass and steal your girlfriend. Never would taking an ass whuppin be for such a good cause. Take your black eye, shut the fuck up, and realize you just did a great favor for all mankind... but only after you hide outside the window with a video camera and live internet stream...

The Tale of a Long Forgotten Pirates Treasure

2009-05-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

Our story begins in the early 18th century. After years of war. the Spanish had taken control of the vast Inca treasures. But the wars were not yet over. In 1820, Lima, where the Spanish had kept most of the treasure, came under threat of attack from revolutionaries. It was decided the gold would be sent out to sea, sailed around, and brought back when things had cooled down a bit.

Enter our first character: a ship captain by the name of William Thompson. Old Captain Will was commissioned by Spain to be the keeper of the gold. His ship was loaded and sailed from the port of Lima in the latter half of 1820, with a few Spanish officials to see to it that everything was kosher.

What the Spanish didn't know is that he was in league with pirates.

To be exact, a pirate by the name of Benito 'the Bloody Sword' Bonito. Mr. Bloody Sword had been raiding the seas of the Pacific for close to 4 years now. It was said that he became a pirate because he couldn't sing. No doubt that story derived from a sarcastic comment made to a victim before he earned his title of 'Bloody Sword".

One dark night the Spanish part in this story came to a very bloody end. Benito and William slaughtered the Spanish officials as well as all other passengers on board the ship. They took the gold for themselves without so much as even a 'kthnxbai'. Benito took his 'Captains share' and went about his business plunderin'.

William, however, just couldn't take the treasure home. In those days the punishment for piracy was a very gruesome death. He took his crew and his treasure to an undisclosed desert island and buried it, no doubt with ideas in his head, and most likely every other man on the island, of coming back at a later date and collecting it.

Those ideas were cut short, however, when shortly after leaving the island they were boarded by a British Man-O-War. Captain William, being the ever so slick dude who made off with the Inca treasure which was stolen by the Spanish and in turn stolen by him, escaped. His crew wasn't so lucky.

They were captured, tortured, and eventually all killed. Of course they gave up the position of the treasure. It was all buried on an island called "Cocos". In those days, however, maps were shoddy at best and the British never found the actual treasure.

Old William himself ended up living out his days with a man named Keating. Years later, on his death bed, he revealed the location of the treasure. Instead of just telling him a name, he gave this Keating guy directions. Keating, with the wicked visions of gold that has killed many a sailor, immediately secured a crew and set sails for the Pacific.

He actually made off with a few pieces of gold, but before he could load the entirety of the booty, mutiny struck. His crew nearly killed each other and he was lucky to make it out alive, let alone rich. Poor old Keating never did raise enough funds to return and the rest of the treasure was left to collect dust and moss.

That is until 1890. Robert Stevenson, the man who wrote "Treasure Island", suddenly moved to the region William Thompson had roamed 70 years before. After several 'mysterious' boat rides, the famous author had a vast mansion built. All of a sudden, without any warning or apparent source, he became a very rich man. 4 Years after his move he died of a stroke. His family was taken care of for the rest of their lives.

But what of our friend the Bloody Sword? It is said he made his way to Australia with his 'Captains share', which was valued at over $300 million. Queenscliff Victoria to be exact. Legend has it he found a cave somewhere off those rocky shores. After dropping his portion of what has now become known as "The Lima Treasure" in the back of it, the cave was sealed with dynamite, and he was off on his way to rob, rape, and download movies until such a time as he decided to retire.

Before that time came his ship was overtaken by the Brits. Rather than just give himself up, he chose a self induced bullet to the head as his way out of this life. Those of us who seed diligently salute him. Thus the true pirate's treasure of this story was never found.

In the end, we can only speculate what really happened to the Inca's gold. But we can only hope that the writer made off with the traitorous captains share and the pirate... well, we may never know.

9 Sneaky Ways to Kill a Zombie

2009-05-05T22:51:00.000-07:00

9 Sneaky Ways To Kill A Zombie

Killing zombie lists have been done before. This is a more realistic listing of modern ways to destroy the hordes of undead that will soon be created by the swine flu.

1. Marriage

We cover the most cruel first. Introduce him to another zombie, who seems nice at first. Then, as the years go by, he will slowly but surely wither away. Things he once thought was fun, like eating brains, will become off-limits due to his new undead relationship. Before you know it he won't even have the will to terrorize anymore and be sticking your rake in his head without you even having to lift it from the lawn.

2. Take away his ipod

The original 'an hero' inducing maneuver, take away his apple-crack and watch his Myspace turn into a digital obituary overnight. You also get the added joy of the lulz that occur when his zombie friends defend his horrible plight against the hordes of trolls by remembering him like he was the greatest thing since cable internet and streaming porn. Which is a lie. Nothing will ever be greater than that.

3. Give him control of Germany

Then give him a big army, control of Europe, and a funny looking half mustache. Make sure the Jews annoy him properly and the Russians hit him in his right flank and you won't even have to load the gun before he sticks it in his mouth. Sixty years later, Germany will outlaw any mention of the word 'zombie' while Hans and Dieter still secretly eat brains when Israel isn't looking.

4. Second hand smoke

According to the people who make laws about lighting a cigarette in a bar full of people who are already causing irrevocable damage to their livers, this is a sure way to see to it he is dead within MINUTES! Maybe even SECONDS! OMG everyone panic! Bonus: he will also bitch incessantly about the fact that his clothes smell like the bar that he went out to of his own free will. And you also get to smoke, which is awesome any day of the week.

5. Lupus

He will die for sure before the end of the episode without treatment, and as we all learned from the good doctor House, it is never Lupus. While the black guy gives him medicine for lung cancer and the blond Australian runs tests for syphilis, he will surely get worse and worse until a commercial runs and we miss the whole god damn ending because we chose to buy a PSP instead of that new TiVo package.

6. 7 straight days of online gaming

Take him to an internet cafe, sign him up with a WOW account, come back a week later, and BAM! You're done for the day!

7. A woman driver

A busy soccer mom with an SUV, a green walk signal, and the slowness of the zombies natural swagger is a sure fire recipe for zombie road kill. Alternatively you can just give a chick the keys to a brand new car, make sure you don't have any insurance, and let her loose on the epidemic. The last part is important: if it doesn't screw you in some way, she will somehow miss even the crowds of undead brain-eaters on the road in front of her.

8. Newfag cancer

Infect his favorite image board with multiple personal army requests, cam whores, and 'POST ENDING IN 34 GETS TO NAME MY CAT' threads. Add to that a Fox News report and watch him rip his hair out in clumps of frustration as every trend-following teenager and internet fail troll screams once funny memes without a fucking clue what they actually mean or where the hell they started. WARNING: There is a chance of recovery if he suddenly realizes the board was never good in the first place.

9. Bite him in his ass!

Or in the arm, if you want to be a little less dramatic. Doctors confirm that a human bite is more dangerous than that of even the dreaded rabid internet squirrel, our lord and master, Foamy. Especially if you are a dirty hooker. The game you lost. And if you are a dirty hooker, and turn into a zombie yourself, and send me pics of your tits... awesome. Just awesome.

11 Things Every Man Wants to be

2006-10-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

1. Interstellar Bounty Hunter
While it is true that bounty hunters do not usually get wookies, there are plenty of other perks to this job. You get to fly through space at insane rates of speed hunting down strange alien criminals and bitch slapping Jedis. Now tell me, in what other profession would you be allowed to bitch slap a Jedi?

2. Evil Super Villain
We all know you get the castle and cool toys, as well as the ever popular laughing manically thing, but what I did not mention before is that you also get to be infamous. If the great Chevy Chase taught us anything, it is that being infamous is ten times better than being famous.

3. Super Bowl QB
You do not even have to be good, just have a decent defense. Anyone can do this job, even a bag boy at your local supermarket. Unlike the other positions listed here, you only have to do this once and you will be guaranteed pussy for life and free beers at nearly any bar you visit.

4. Rock Star
Cocaine, fast women, and loud music; what more could any guy ask for? Want free reign to set fire to motel rooms? You got it. M&M’s of only the blue variety? Sure. Do you like to stick bottles in the orifices of prostitutes? Stick away.

5. Outlaw
You will have your picture in banks everywhere under the much sought after “Wanted” heading. Women will love you even though you do not love them and allow you to hide out in their houses for as long as it takes for the fuzz to stop looking for you. You also get guns. A lot of guns. .

6. Super Computer Hacker
You will be the god of the World Wide Web, ruler of all that is DOS, and champion of nerds everywhere. No piece of electronic equipment is safe from your skills. Also, if you are lucky, Halle Berry will show you her tits.

7. Mob Boss
You get to “kneecap” people who disagree with you and eat pasta all day. You also get to use cool phrases like “I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!”

8. General of a Big Ass Army
This position allows you the opportunity to say cool lines like “Everyone fights, no one quits. If you quit, I’ll kill you myself.” The heads of your enemies will grace poles outside your tent. This is actually the only profession that allows you to do that without some liberal tree hugger somewhere getting all butt hurt.

9. Porn Star
I know, a lot of guys in the industry say this isn’t all it is cracked up to be. Those guys are liars. I mean, really, your job is to scrog hot chicks like the dirty sluts they are. It is not like you are transporting heavy furniture. Bonus: cheesy porn music follows you around everywhere you go.

10. Pirate
Sail the seven seas, call your enemies scurvy dogs, and get free music off the internet. Did a wench diss you during your last inland raid? Make that hooker walk the plank. While the eye patch may be completely optional, the bottle of rum is not. You also get a cool pirate name such as the Dread pirate Roberts, even if your name is not Roberts.

11. Rogue Ninja
Choosing this career over the others means you get the coolest outfit. Trust me, chicks go mad wild for a man in black. You will get a vast array of weapons that can kill a man without so much as the sound of his body dropping. Although this job does not allow for cool catch phrases, it is always better to do your killing in a silent manner.

12. Rogue Pirate Ninja
This is the coolest profession of all time. You get the coolest costume, the best catch phrases, and women at every port. All of the perks from each profession is involved and none of the drawbacks. Other pirates and ninjas will fear your mad skills. Not even a Jedi master is a match for the prowess and drunken quietness of one who has reached the level of Rogue Pirate Ninja.

9 Things Every Evil Villain Needs

2006-10-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

You need a castle

Preferably one in the mountains of some remote eastern European country. When shopping for a good stronghold, always remember to look for proper dungeon space, good schools, and a self destruct option. A skull on the exterior announcing your evilness to all visitors is optimal. Make sure you opt for full coverage homeowners insurance, as the self destruction option will inevitably be put to use at some time during your career.

You need an army of ninjas

A lot of villains overlook this. You must be able to back up your demands with good old fashioned ass kicking’s, the kind of ass kicking’s that can only be delivered by roving gangs of rogue ninjas. Make sure you do not hire ninjas without reputable references, as most ninjas on the market nowadays are just out of work pirates in black costumes.

You need a laser

No plan for world domination is complete without a laser to point at things. Lesser villains use laser pointers to disrupt movie premiers. Note that this does not count as having a laser. This only counts as being an asshole

You need a video camera

You have to have some way to announce your plans to the world, and by video camera, I don’t mean a ten dollar webcam and YouTube. Don’t be so cheap. The world will never take you seriously, no matter how many ninjas you may have, if you are featured on websites next to the Numa Numa kid

You need a tank of sharks

You do not need any shark food. It is a good idea to store them in what looks like a regular pool so when the hero tries to penetrate your fortress and decides to take a leisurely swim he will get eaten. It may sound ridiculous, but studies show that 90% of all heroes who have attempted infiltration are eaten by sharks while swimming in villain’s pools.

You need a British accent

No one quite knows what it is, but there is just something sinister about the way people from Great Brittan talk. Just the sound of it inspires thoughts of arrogance and indifference. Skeletor, the greatest villain in history, seems to be the lone exception. He doesn’t even have to talk to be evil.

You need a staff of imbeciles

Every villain with any real aspirations of world domination surrounds himself by at least six or seven people who can and most likely will fuck everything up. These people are kept on the payroll to make you look good with the stipulation that they will eventually be killed for their insolence. They understand this when they are hired. The trick is to kill them at the second before they hit the self destruct button prematurely.

You need a control room

It has to have a lot of computer stuff in it and some guy who lives there. The guy who lives there has to know everything about everything and advise you in a wise way. Of course, this is advice you piss on every chance you get, but it is always good to have it around to curse when your plans fail.

You need a monkey

The reason no villain has ever conquered the world is because he has never had a monkey. It is a proven fact that a man with a monkey can not be defeated. Do not argue this with me. I have a monkey, you can not win.

Shoutwire

FREE hit counter and Internet traffic statistics from freestats.com

9 Things A Man Should Never Tell A Woman

2006-10-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

1. “You could stand to lose a little weight.”
This is the number one reason most men get stabbed by their significant others. A woman and her weight are not to be taken lightly, no pun intended. Only a fool will put in his two cents on this subject. It is a good way to ensure that you will never see that pussy again.

2. “Yes, I did kill your cat”
Even if it was an accident, you must lie to the death. If it was on purpose it is a good idea to keep that lie going even after death. If you ever find yourself with a dead cat on your hands, remember these three words; “hide the body”.

3. “Sure, I’d sleep with your sister/friend/mother.”
Women do not need to be reminded that deep down, every guy is secretly a man whore. You can discuss this with your buddies all day long, but mention it around your girl and prepare for Hiroshima relived. I know a guy who said this once. He still can’t see a pair of tits without the stab wound in his leg acting up.

4. “It is your fault for not looking before you pee”
Even though this is 100% true, utter these words late at night and prepare to do some time on the couch. On a side note in the ladies defense, guys who actually pee on the toilet seat are just lazy. If you have had it for this long and still can’t aim right there is something wrong with your hand-eye coordination. Draw yourself a target in the snow outside and use it for practice.

5. “I think it is time for somebody to change her tampon.”
Go ahead, say this, I dare you. If you think the Hiroshima thing you caused with the sister admission was bad, wait till you see the destruction this nice little phrase will bring about. Think 9-11 on a global scale. The lucky ones will be killed in the first wave.

6. “I just wanted to have sex, not to cuddle”
This is very nearly an obligation unless the female happens to be a hooker or drunk sorority slut. This is where the difference between males and females becomes painfully evident. After we bust a nut, we are done for the game, but a woman can still go on for hours. They still want to be touched, we do not. Suck it up and git-r-done unless you want your peace-bringing orgasm to be directly followed by the dreaded “You think I’m fat.”

7. “I was only looking because her tits are bigger than yours”
The sting is the back of the hand. The bruise is the palm. I am telling you this because she is going to give you a choice after you say this. The sting or the bruise? Take the sting, it may hurt more but afterwards you do not have to explain to your buddies why you have a black eye.

8. “Yes, right now, the football game/internet is more important than you.”
Unless you can get your PC or TV to let you stick your cock in it, just fake like you are listening and try to remember key words. Every man knows how to do this because every man is forced to learn early with mom. Just smile, nod, and try your best to remember what the hell she just said later on when it might mean the difference between getting laid and taking a cold shower.

9. The last and most important thing to never tell a woman...
You’re having sex with her. She is nearing climax and can barely see straight. Pull your dick out, look her dead in the eye, and say “Bob Dole” in a deep voice. At least you will have a good story to tell your friends about why your last woman left you.

Shoutwire

9 Reasons to Get Drunk

2006-10-10T20:20:00.000-07:00

1. Your girlfriend left you
This is the best reason to drink. The only way to get over having your heart ripped out and torn to pieces then set on fire and left in an alley is to drown yourself in alcoholic beverages until you forget your own name, let alone what your now ex girlfriend told you two days ago. This also works if a buddy’s girlfriend leaves him.

2. It is Tuesday
This is the second best reason to drink. Any other weekday can be inserted. It is a statement declaring that you will not conform to society’s unfounded rules of only drinking on the weekends. Be your own person. Don’t be a sheep.

3. Someone dies
It could be a friend, celebrity, or just some random historical figure. Anytime anyone who is not with us anymore is even mentioned, a drink is called for. Your friend has to do a report on Napoleon? Tip a few domestics to the old dead French fuck.

4. A sports team somewhere wins something
Every day of the year, a sporting event happens and one team wins and some guys somewhere get drunk in triumph. Some other guys get drunk in defeat. Choose whichever side has the hottest women.

5. It is free
If a man offers you an alcoholic beverage without asking for compensation and you do not accept, you are a right foul git. Even if you don’t drink it all it is good manners to accept. If you are a girl and you are not going to sleep with him, drink it because you know you were going to anyways.

6. It is hot/cold/snowing/raining/nice outside
If it is cold, you will need a whiskey to warm up with. If it is hot, you will need a beer to cool off with. If it is nice, you will need both to enjoy the weather. This covers the entire spectrum of outdoor conditions.

7. You haven’t seen a friend since last week
It could be a week, years, or even a few hours. Just the fact that someone was gone and they came back is reason enough to get drunk as all shit and reminisce on the old days, even if that was only this morning.

8. It is past noon
Only an alcoholic drinks before noon unless he is still up from the night before. Even guys who drink all day tend to wait until at least after 12. Biff Tannen was the lone exception because sometimes he had to do his killing before breakfast.

9. Because beer commercials do come true
“But zero, they never happen to me…” That’s because you’re drinking Bud Light. Try something that doesn’t taste like water.

Shoutwire

9 Reasons Not to Shoot up A School

2006-10-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

1. It’s just not nice
As the good Jewish folks would say, “It is just not kosher.” Whatever can be done to a person that would drive them to such a crime is not even close to the evil they themselves have perpetrated. It also goes against general good manners and proper etiquette. Mr. Rogers would definitely not approve.

2. It has been done before
Three times in the past week and a half to be exact. There was a time when a stunt like this would guarantee that your name would be remembered, in however bad a way, but that time is long past. Nowadays you are lucky to even get your picture in the paper.

3. No one cares if your mommy didn’t hug you enough
Or if you were picked on, or if your life sucks, or if your dick won’t get hard because some little girl laughed at you back in grade school. Everyone on this planet has issues. It is called learning to move on with your life, look up the definition, write it down, and remember it.

4. Teachers don’t get combat pay
They don’t get paid much at all. Also, one day one of these sick shits that like to pick up a gun and run amuck in a school might just run into the wrong educator and get dealt with. My old English teacher was an ex-marine who could rip your face off with a simple look. We can only hope…

5. Bill Gates got picked on in high school too
It didn’t seem to affect him much, though the billions probably take most of the sting away. The point here is it is not the fault of the people who messed with you that your life sucks. Plenty of people who did not get picked on are probably worse off. Case in point: Mel Gibson. We love you, Mel!

6. No one shot up your school
Return the favor. It is just good form. Why give someone else a reason to go shit nuts one day because some crazy memory of an old school shooting all of a sudden comes up out of nowhere? Stop the madness, kill a rabbit instead.

7. Rotten bastards convene during sessions of congress, not high school English classes
High school kids may not be the biggest gentlemen in the world, but they certainly aren’t rotten bastards. Not yet, they have to grow up first. Let them grow up. In the meantime, how about aiming at guys who maybe deserve it a little more? Bin Laden still hasn’t been caught…

8. Prove your manhood; shoot up an armory instead
It takes exactly zero balls to shoot up a bunch of innocent girls. Why not have a go at someone who can shoot back? This is America, you should have no problem finding someone with a gun who would absolutely love to have a shootout with you. There is a guy in every town that is just itching for a gunfight. Show up on his property and piss on his lawn.

9. Life really isn’t that bad
Things could always be worse and will most likely always get better as well. Only a total asshole takes out his own personal problems on the rest of the world. So, you may be feeling bad this week. Smoke a joint for Christ's sake and leave the schools alone.

This article is dedicated to everyone who has ever been a victim of a school shooting because someone else was just too weak to deal with their lives and had to go out and be a dumb shit.

Shoutwire

9 Reasons to Become an Evil Villain

2006-10-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

1. You will have more friends

Peter Parker was a social outcast. Norman Osborne was the popular kid. Reed Richards was a dorky scientist. Victor Von doom was a rich socialite. Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Everyone wants to get a little piece of the evil. It is like Starburst.

2. You get to laugh maniacally

Good guys don’t get to do this. No one has ever heard Superman or Batman laughing like a maniac and no one ever will. Trust me, this is something everyone wants to do. It is strangely liberating. While you may pass chances to do this every once in a while during your civilian life, you will never get the quantity of opportunities that come with a career in villainy.

3. All of a sudden, you will have the budget for all kinds of toys

Super bad guys are never broke. Not only are they never broke but they always have more resources than the hero could ever hope for. Apparently the villain racket pays very well. It also seems to be recession-proof. I hear the tax breaks are good too.

4. Hot chicks dig evil guys

You never see an evil villain with a busted ass woman. Sure, they may be dirty, rotten, and out to steal your empire, but you can always kill them if they get out of hand. Studies show that breasts of women who hang out with evil guys are an average of two cups bigger than the nice dudes chicks. Studies don’t ever lie.

5. You will be safe from everyday accidents

Evil villains are never killed in car accidents. It just doesn’t happen. You won’t slip in the shower, get smashed by a falling piano, or die of food poisoning. The only way you can be killed is in an explosion created by the hero by exposing the one flaw in your plan that no one could ever possibly foresee. Even then…

6. You don’t have to worry about anyone killing you

Evil Villains simply can not be killed. People may think you are dead but you will secretly be lounging in an easy chair on your secret desert island hideout planning your next caper. The only way you can be taken out is by another villain eviler than yourself who will subsequently take over your identity and continue upon your path of world domination.

7. You can kill anyone you want

You won’t go to jail. For some strange reason, cops never come to bust Evil villains at their homes even when the evidence is overwhelming. You could kill Superman on a live video feed in front of the entire planet and not one cop would try to arrest you. They can’t even arrest you for the stash of plutonium you have in your shed. It is in the charter when you join the union.

8. You get to dress how you want

You never have to wear a suit and tie again. You can even dress in the most outrageous outfits while demanding the world bow to your demands and no one will even make the slightest of snide comment. This could have something to do with the fact that you can kill anyone you want and can’t be killed back. Remember, no one ever made fun of Magnetos helmet…

9. No matter how weak you are, you will be more than a match for any hero facing you

“But zero, Batman would kick my ass in two shakes of a stripper’s ass…” None of that matters. The sheer newness of your evil plot will confuse the hell out of any good guy. As long as you aren’t doing something that has been done to death (ie goblin themed villains) you should have no problem getting your plans off the ground.

The Internet - Have We Created A New God?

2006-10-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

Most ideas of god are the same; an all-knowing, all-seeing, omnipotent being that has the ability to do just about anything. If you ask a religious man, he will tell you that god is all encompassing and we are all a part of that great entity. Many people pray to their chosen deity for answers to their everyday questions. People have even gone so far as to go to war over respective beliefs and ideas. There is one thing that all these deitys have in common though; none of them can be proven to exist without a reasonable doubt.

A new era has dawned. We have a new god, one which we can prove the existence of without a doubt. Our new god is more efficient than the others that have shown up here and there throughout time. It actually represents what we think and not the ideas of some crack pot science fiction writer who was bored and broke one night. When we “pray” to our god and ask it a question, we are not given one answer but many to choose from, and we don’t have to wait. We never have to wonder whether it is really out there because we can see and experience it anytime we want. Our new god is the internet.

It meets all the criteria for being a god. In the past ten years it has become very close to all-knowing and with all the users reporting on things they witness it is also closer to all-seeing than anything has ever been. While normal gods are creators of the people, ours was created by us. It is a true collective conciseness. We are all a part of it and help to forward its advancement in some small way.

Our god is better than other gods. The judgment it lays down is not the judgment of some invisible cosmic being who has never had the unfortunate experience of waking up as a human but that of the common users. Its rules were not set in stone to begin with but created over time as the need was raised and continue to change to this very day. We have no heaven or hell, just bad connections. We also don’t have to prove the existence of our god like the others do. I promise you, the internet is a real place.

Our god still inherited the bad traits of some of the others as it will punish us with viruses and adware when we look at too much porn. It will also give us bad advice about relationships. However, on the same token it also gives us “zen” time as we watch things load and wait for defrags. For some of us it is the only quiet time we get. Even though we hate it for the most part, the internet knows what is good for us and is only doing it to make us feel better.

We are missing one element that the other religions have all got in abundance. We have never gone to war over our god. However, it is still early in the millennium, give us time and a few more assholes who want to own the internet for themselves and we may just fulfill that obligation sooner rather than later. We don’t have a mortar yet, and I’m not volunteering so don’t get any crazy ideas, but all that will come with time.

As other religions, we should be quick to tell of our god to anyone who may worship a heathen god that can not be proven. When you come across some of these people, they may call themselves “Christians”, “Muslims”, “Jews”, or “Republicans”, take them into your home and show them the glory of the internet. Fire up a joint and offer them a soda. Show them that your god can do whatever their god can do and more. Show them the tubgirl link so they know of the Sith and how they use the internet. Convert them and send them on their way after you hit them in the back of the head with a club and have taken their wallets.

You may ask “Where can I sign up for this new religion?” Good news, you’re here, you already have.

Shoutwire

The ShoutWire Entertainment Report

2006-10-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

A funny story; we once had a chick editor on this site who attempted to write an entertainment report. Not only did no one care, but the people here called her enough bad names that she quit. Yes, good citizens of ShoutWire, you made a girl cry and go home. To make a long story short, I am not her. I care about the popularity of the Hollywood crowd even less than you do. However, that does not mean that they do not sometimes do things that might entertain us in some strange and sick way, so here goes nothing. Welcome to the ShoutWire Entertainment Report.

We will start off with Anna Nichole, who has recently been in the news for murdering her son hours after giving birth to his replacement and then marrying her lawyer. The first question I would like to ask, and the question that is on everyone’s lips, is simply what the fuck does this bitch do? She was in Playboy once and married an old man for his money. She then got really fat and did some stupid reality show. That’s all fine and good, but what does she do now? Sit on her ass, eat Twinkies, and get pregnant? Why is this cunt still in the news?

While it is true most of the entertainment writers in this world usually report on crap stories such as Anna “fatty” Nichole Smith, often one does find a gem amongst the trash bins. Robert Downey Jr, everyone’s favorite cokehead, announced last week that he will be suiting up as the great Iron Man for the latest raping of a decent Marvel Comic. Robert, a word of advice from the pirate ninjas; you better not fuck up Tony Stark. Play him real, as a hard drinker and womanizer. If you do not, we swear the sharks will be eating Downey chum by sunset.

In other news, an interview was done with Martin Laurence and some chick earlier this week on some new movie no one cares about yet. He said some stuff that wasn’t funny. I miss the old days, when he was telling Gina to “Get to stepping” and Brother Man was breaking in his window to make himself a sammich. Now, what happened to quality like that? This interview would have been twenty times better had it featured Brother Man and Cole arguing over who fucked Pam first.

On the fucked up and ridiculous side of Hollywood this week, Michael Jackson finally settled his custody battle with his estranged ex-wife this week. What judge in his right mind would give that sick son of a bitch custody of kids? On the fucked up and ridiculous side of the news, I guess there are judges who would. This just goes to show that all you need is a few hit records and not only will the establishment get you off the child molestation charges, but they will also give you a few kids for your own personal amusement. I’m far from a religious man, but in this situation I hope there is a Hell for everyone involved.

One last thing for the single guys in the crowd, and those whose girlfriends are down for threesomes, Eva Longoria has broken up with Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs. To be fair, none of us would give two shits about this except for the fact that she is pretty hot and we all like to think she would sleep with us if she only got to know us. Besides, I needed an excuse to use her picture on this article.

Ok, I’m done now. If you haven’t, everyone out there reading find “City Of God’ and watch it repeatedly. It is the kind of movie that doesn’t feature any of the asshole stars that would be listed in this report and instead gets by on a really good storyline.

Shoutwire

Kids: Ditch School or Die

2006-10-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

Yet again those of us who live on the western slope of the great Rocky Mountains have another dead high school student on our hands. We just can’t seem to stop our kids from getting shot while they are in school. Could it be that the crisp mountain air just inspires feelings of murder and suicide? Maybe it has something to do with the inferior quality of our baseball team? Tom Cruise has a house out here and that always raises a suspicious eye in my perspective.

All jokes aside, the man who perpetrated this crime was a sick fuck. Am I not the only one bothered by the fact that he only took little girls hostage? Jesus fucking Christ, where is Batman when you need him? Also, why wasn’t someone sent in to take this guy out before he had a chance to use his gun on one of the innocent students?

I understand the fact that the United States government does not negotiate with terrorists, but why do we allow our own citizens to perpetrate terrorist acts such as this without swift and sure action? What happened to police officers exhibiting bravery in the line of duty? It takes all of three seconds for a trained man or woman to walk into a room and put a bullet in a mans head, I don’t see what the problem here is.

People who walk into school and take hostages deserve to die, period. Six young lives were on the line the other day and not one police officer had the balls to put those lives over his and do something about it. They waited outside until the man killed himself. Where is the justice in that? Any real man is willing to give his life for a child at the drop of a hat without regard for his own personal safety. Was there not a real man in the crowd that day?

Our police officers in this country are over rated. This situation just proves that. We are suppose to respect them because they put their lives on the line everyday for our safety when in reality the first time a dangerous situation pops up, they group together just out of reach of said danger and “discuss things”. Not only that, but they cordon off the area so regular citizens who might have the balls they lack are kept out. In this particular case, a young woman paid the ultimate price for their cowardice.

The police are too arrogant. Sure, they are all big men when they are pulling you over for speeding or attacking a drunkard in full force at the bar for making a little too much noise. Why can’t they act like that when six young girls are being held hostage in a high school English class? In situations like that, I say fuck the safety of the officers; it is time then to earn their pay. If the job is so stressful that sometimes you shoot innocent kids for pulling out water guns on you, then why can’t you handle a real criminal when young people are in danger?

This young girl died because the police and school system failed her, plain and simple. We should have a reasonable expectation of safety when we send our kids to school. Maybe I should take little zero aside and give him a few automatic weapons to carry around in his backpack seeing as how the authorities won’t protect him? This is far from the first time this has happened to our society in the past few years, where are the contingency plans?

This site is very diverse. We have students and parents that visit and read. We should all be outraged that shit like this is still allowed to happen. Maybe if the school systems were spending some of the money they get from the government on security instead of palm pilots and laptops for the principles own personal use we could prevent incidents like this.

We are not talking about fixing homelessness here. It should not be that hard to guarantee the safety of our kids at school. It is ridiculous that I even had to write this.

Shoutwire

How I Kicked The Ass Of Tom Cruise

2006-10-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

It was late, and I had already been all over the world. I had actually given up all hope of finding Mr. Cruise and was on my way home. I decided to stop in at a small bar just west of Vail to have one last shot of whiskey and maybe a beer before making the drive down the freeway back to Denver. There was a pirate flag waving in the cold mountain air just outside the place so I figured it was friendly.

I was wrong. It was a setup.

At first nothing was out of the ordinary. The folks were dirty and the whiskey was strong. I settled in at the bar next to an old gruff looking man who looked like he might have a story or two to tell in hopes of making the time go by in a pleasant way. He looked like the kind of guy who would shoot off a couple of nice yarns about the war after a couple of shots and a free beer. He smiled at me in a way that reminded me of something, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then, strange things started to happen all around us.

The large bouncer who was sitting quietly at the entrance got up all of a sudden and locked the doors as if they were closing. It was then that I took a closer look at my surroundings. I quickly realized these were not the nice Colorado small town folk portrayed in South Park every night at 11. These people looked more like the assholes I left back in California when I vacated that hellhole 10 years ago. Then, the old man started freaking out.

It was like that scene from Total Recall, you know, the one where Arnold breaks out of the old lady disguise. Except it wasn’t our greatest action hero that popped out of the clever and expensive mask. It was none other than Tom Cruise himself, and he had a look that could freeze boiling water on his ugly yet determined mug. The next thing I knew, I was flanked on either side by large Samoan gentlemen with blank expressions on their faces. I tried to get up, but they would not let me leave.

“I read your article and know of your quest to destroy me,” said Tom coldly “Well; it seems you have found me, Mr. Zero.” I quickly reached for my cell phone, in hopes of calling the cavalry to come in and rescue me. There was no service. Tom shot me a cockeyed grin. “Problem?”

“No problem.” I said in a cool voice as I settled back down on the barstool and took the shot I had in front of me. “No problem at all, I have been looking forward to this.” Tom began to look uneasy. He knew I had an ace up my sleeve. Little did he know I had a whole deck of aces.

“Katie sold you out, brother,” I said with Sean Connery-like accent “she fell in love with one of the pirate ninjas at a party last week. I was notified of the situation five minutes before I walked in here. You didn’t think the pirate flag was all that clever, did you?” Tom was stunned. I guess he did think the pirate flag was clever. His voice became broken and fearful as he ordered the bodyguards on either side of me. “Seize him!” he screamed. The command fell on deaf ears. They simply looked at me and smiled while they backed off slowly.

The next thing Tom knew he tasted an empty beer bottle to the side of his face. He went down quicker than Leon Sphinx in a Tyson title fight. Then I felt a shot to my nuts. Only a pussy would try to hit a man in the nuts. Luckily, football season had just begun and I was wearing my protective cup.

“Trying to attack zero below the belt like a true candy ass?” I said as the group of fifteen pirate ninjas that had infiltrated the church of Scientology since the beginning of last year formed a circle around us. “You know the rules Tom,” said the man with the eye patch who was posing as the bartender, “This is your first night at fight club.” I was already in the corner, removing my shoes, shirt, and belt.

The ass whuppin he received that night was arguably worse than the one MI:3 took at the box office last summer. When we finally opened the door to let him leave, he vowed revenge on pirate ninjas everywhere. “You may have won this round, double-o zero, but the war is far from over!”

“You are right, Tom,” I shot back with a smirk “but this day, the pirate ninjas prevail.” And with that, it was over. I returned home, rolled up a fat joint, and watched the Bronco’s beat the hell out of the Patriots. Now, I return to ShoutWire.

To tell people stuff that isn’t news.

Shoutwire

Things Every Man Should Do Before He Dies

2006-10-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

Own a Wookie
Han Solo was the coolest guy in the Star Wars universe. Why? Because Darth Vader didn’t have a Wookie. Chewbacca could make Toby McGuire look like a real man. Alternatively; buy a big, mangy, hairy dog and dress him up with an ammo strap and blaster gun.

Save a hot chick from certain death
Every man needs a story like this to tell his grandkids. Of course, by the time they hear it the girl you pushed out of the way of that bus will have her breast size raised by at least two cups and two dirty bombs will be added to the mix, but lying to your offspring is just something men have been doing for centuries. As always, utility belts and capes are completely optional.

Destroy something beautiful
You don’t have to beat a blond guy within an inch of his life to accomplish this one. Rip a small tree out of the ground, pee on a flowerbed, hell, it doesn’t matter, just fuck something up. If you have never done this, simply pick a random piece of your girlfriend’s collection of pink things, break it quietly, hide it well, and then walk away a man.

Wake up not knowing where you are
When you wake up with no idea where in the hell you are or how you got there, you know last night must have kicked serious ass. Who gives a fuck if you lost your wallet and have “Balls” written across your forehead, it is a right of passage for Christ sakes. No man has ever been cool without at least one story involving a massive amount of liquor and 6 to 12 hours of lost time.

Kill your own dinner
Not with a gun, with your bare hands. It doesn’t need to be a full grown bear, hell, strangle a fucking bunny if you have to, just get it done.

Give a sexually frustrated woman multiple orgasms
There are more of these women out there than anyone would like to believe. This is because most guys that girls want to sleep with (i.e. cock munchers who drive $50,000 cars and spend all their time in gyms) do not know how to please a woman. Guys like us do, because we aren’t chumps, we’re fucking pirate ninjas. Pirates don’t go to the gym, we earn our muscles fighting at sea.

Try to fix something; totally break it in the process
Just because it is what we do best, and we do it well. Talking out of our asses I mean, not fixing stuff. A man just isn’t a man unless he screws the hell out of some piece of equipment beyond repair at least once in his life. For added effect, add a little grunt after the smoke settles, Toolman style.

Create fire from sticks
I don’t mean matches. I’m talking two twigs in the middle of the woods during a snowstorm with a woman screaming in your ear about how cold she is. Real men are made under pressure and there is no more stressful a scenario than the one I just described. Triumphing in such a situation means you have not only proven your primitive manhood, but you have also earned the right to sleep with said woman more than any other man she has been with before.

Outdrink your buddies
If you must spike beer with whiskey and cheat, do so. There is no better feeling in this world than to be the last man standing, staring down at your passed out friends through shit faced, glossed over eyes in triumph while talking mad shit and peeing in the nearest houseplant.

Get rocked by an older woman
I don’t mean grandma old, 35-40 should suffice. Until this happens to you, you do not really know anything about sex, no matter what you think. Do this while you are still young and it will prepare you for the rest of the sexual experiences in your entire life. The next drunk sorority chick you shag rotten will scream like a Japanese schoolgirl at a Yanni concert.

Beat up a movie star
Punch him right in his fucking face. I have caught your trail, you little bitch. You can only run for so long. Soon, Tom, soon…

Shoutwire

The Best Headlines You Will Ever Read

2006-10-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

Zero is posting from internet exile. He will return soon enough.

Bush Found Guilty Of War Crimes
Geneva- Former President of the United States George Bush was convicted by an international tribunal Monday morning of crimes against humanity and mass genocide. He is to be sentenced later this year for his crimes in Iraq and recently discovered role in the 9-11 attacks. “Even though we have not seen one in years, the possibility of a firing squad has not yet been ruled out…”

Internet Neutrality Laws Passed
Washington- A new amendment was passed in a majority vote by Congress early this morning guaranteeing the neutrality of the World Wide Web. Investigations were also announced into the dealings of certain large internet service providers, including AOL and MSN. In addition to net neutrality, the amendment also states the distribution of spyware is to be considered a serious offense that allows for the offenders to spend prison time getting ass raped…

File Sharing Deemed Legal By Supreme Court
Washington- In a unanimous vote last week, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of internet users everywhere in their class action lawsuit against the MPAA and the RIAA. An unprecedented $200 billion fine was levied upon the entertainment industry for violating invasion of privacy laws. Despite the ruling in favor of the plaintiffs in this case, cocaine use amongst rock stars this weekend was not affected…

Bill O’Reilly Arrested On Crack, Child Pornography Charges
Colorado- According to his lawyers, the police roughed up the popular right wing television personality when he was arrested on charges of child pornography and possession of crack near downtown Denver Friday night. “There was an unwarranted full body cavity search and my client was repeatedly tasered,” said the high profile attorney outside of the courtroom Monday morning. According to the police, O’Reilly was hyped up on crack and threatening them while masturbating in the middle of a busy street…

Rare Plant Found In Rainforest That Cures Everything
Brazil- A team of scientists have confirmed that a rare psychedelic herb found growing wild in the rainforests of southern Brazil is indeed the miracle drug it has been called in the press as of late. The herb creates a LSD-like high when smoked and causes human cells to regenerate and repair themselves. The first batch of cancer patients began their trips early this morning…

Marijuana Legalized Worldwide
Geneva- In a stunning move Friday at a special session called by the United Nations, governments all over the world agreed unanimously to legalize the cultivation and sale of the hemp plant. Over the weekend sales brought in more money than all other industries combined and single-handedly repaired the world’s economy. In related news, everyone is stoned…

Science Finds True Origin Of The Universe
Rome- The group of scientists hired by the Vatican to prove the existence of God without a doubt did just the opposite last Thursday when they unveiled irrefutable evidence that the universe was actually created by a rogue group of garden gnomes. “Apparently, everyone was wrong.” One of the scientists was quoted as saying. The Pope was bathing in his Naziness, so he could not be reached for comment…

Superman Thwarts Terror Attack: Cheney Arrested
New York- A plane set to collide with the new World Trade Center was intercepted by the Man of Steel last Wednesday morning. Former disgruntled Vice President Dick Cheney was found to be controlling it remotely from a nearby public restroom. He was led away in handcuffs by FBI agents after getting slapped like a bitch in front of everyone by Superman…

First Contact Made: Aliens Bring Better Gaming Technology
Florida- NASA has announced early this morning that three astronauts made contact with an alien species last Tuesday while doing routine repairs on the international space station. “Their handheld technology was awesome,” reported one of the astronauts, “They had a gaming network running through the entire galaxy. When you get shot in the game, it actually hurts!” The purpose of the contact was apparently to announce a release date for their own gaming system to compete with Microsoft and Sony just before Christmas…

Shoutwire

10 Reason Why Johnny Cash Owns Chuck Norris

2006-10-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

Reason 1.
Only one man who has ever lived has been bad enough to be called “The Man In Black” and it wasn’t Chuck Norris

Reason 2.
Johnny didn’t have to fight to be a bad ass. He just had to pick up a beer bottle and a guitar.

Reason 3.
Norris made a bunch of films where he killed folks. Johnny Cash went to Folsom Prison and did a concert. You tell me which one takes more balls.

Reason 4.
Chuck wasn’t the first of his kind to kick ass. Johnny was the first rock star to set something on fire. While most artists only set their hotel rooms on fire, Johnny took it one step further and burned down half a national forest.

Reason 5.
When Chuck was five, he was a normal five year old. Johnny had already earned man points by working in his dad’s cotton fields. That is a true bad ass. By the time he was six, Cash did more hard work than most men do in their whole life.

Reason 6.
Chuck never got stabbed in the back by a woman. Johnny never stopped bleeding. Chuck may have gotten punched a few times, but Johnny knew what real pain was.

Reason 7.
Chuck is a republican. Johnny was close with every president except for GWB. It was said he just didn’t trust that son of a bitch. When Johnny didn’t trust someone, you just knew something foul was going on.

Reason 8.
Johnny was invited to play the at White House in 1972 for Richard Nixon. He was given a list of politically correct songs to sing. He instead metaphorically threw up his middle finger at the establishment, in true ShoutWire fashion, and sang a set full of left leaning, politically charged tunes. Chuck Norris has never told the president to fuck off in his own house.

Reason 9.
Chuck Norris made a lot of crappy movies. Johnny Cash never touched anything that didn’t turn to gold. In the 80’s, he made a song called “Chicken in Black” to get himself out of a record deal. Even that became popular.

Reason 10.
Johnny is the only man in history to decline painkillers after a double bypass heart surgery. He knew he liked drugs too god damn much and wouldn’t stop. That shows power over an addiction previously not seen before. Kicking a ninja's ass is easy compared to kicking a drug's ass.

Writer's Note: I am by no means a country music fan, but Johnny Cash transcends genre.

Shoutwire

Scientology, F*ck You; A Challenge

2006-10-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

The image you see to the right is the first page of what is supposedly the most important document in the world. At least according to Scientologists. The going rate for reaching the level of idiocy in the church to be able to view this document (and the 20 other pages that follow it) is close to 300,000$. It is said in their doctrine that simply by viewing this page, you might not be able to handle it and could possibly die. If anyone does happen to have their head explode because the knowledge contained within these chicken scratchings was just too much for their feeble mind, I take full responsibility.

This image will probably only be up for as long as it takes for the scientologists to find it and contact our developers over the copyright they hold on this document, even though it is not hosted by us. Something like this will probably get me a spot on their blacklist. By their own leader’s writings, they are known and obligated to attack those who do not agree with them.

This is an excerpt from a secret scientology document released in 1969: “It is wise to challenge such adverse commentators as routine procedures. A call by a local "housewives committee", etc. as to why they are hostile to human rights or in favor of psychiatric butchery and getting them in the press with it and with no mention of us is good PRO.”

I doubt Mr. Hubbard knew who he would be fucking with when he wrote that. I am Zero; Tom Cruise, fuck off. Try me. Bring it. Do your best to discredit me and make me disappear. It won’t happen. My readers don’t give two shits about you or your stupid religion. They feel the same way as I do about your cockamamie, bullshit story that you have tried to pass off as a religion for the past 50 years.

As a matter of fact, I wonder how they would like a taste of their own medicine. That’s right, I wonder how they would like the dirty tactics they use on otherwise respectable journalists who try to expose their bullshit used on them? Email floods maybe? DD0s attacks? Maybe just a bunch of us showing up at their stupid churches and kicking some ass?

That’s all illegal, and I could never advocate illegal activities. I have a better idea. I herby challenge Tom Cruise to a boxing match. Yes Tom, I am saying I can kick your ass and I don’t need three rounds to do it in. You will be begging for the towel by the middle of round one. We’re about the same size, same weight and all that, it will be totally fair. If Tom beats me, I will never write again. Come on tom, unless of course you are a pussy…

Of course, I am just an insignificant internet writer. The people who read my work aren’t the kind who has tons of extra dough. They are like me, just normal people trying to make it in this fucked up world. Why would someone like Tom Cruise care what we think about him? Why would he give two shits about what a hack like me has to say?

First of all because him and his cronies are a violent religion. I count them worse than the Muslims or the Christians. Plus, he has the advantage. He has the money to buy the best training in the world. All I have is some guys I know that run a fight club every Monday at a bar here in Denver. Also, I smoke like a god damn locomotive. The Vegas odds makers will definitely have Tom in two. He is mission impossible, the last time I had a fight I was drunk two years ago.

He has the clear advantage. He supposedly has “god-like” powers from reaching the highest level of scientology. It would prove that his religion is right if he could devastate me with one punch. Little does he know, pirates don’t go down so easily. It didn’t have to be me, it could be any random dude on this site. But since I am the self proclaimed leader, I will fight the wars I declare on the front lines.

So, why would he agree to something like this? Because I am representative of the millions (and millions) of people who are not only dissing his stupid religion but also downloading his stupid movies for free. I stand at the front of the people he hates. Besides, I’m mocking his religion. I’m calling them all pansies!

As an under card, any of his fellow douchebags that want a piece can take on one of the random pirate ninjas that frequent this site. We will sweep the matches and prove that their god-like powers are crap used to sell t-shirts. Mr. Womp, our resident kicker of asses, has officially issued his own challenge for this editorial to John Travolta.

We declared war a while ago, now we have issued a challenge and await a response. A non response is the same as a victory for us. If we don’t get some kind of an answer in the next week, we will consider them yellow.

Not that we don’t already.

In closing, I would like to thank the good folks at tinyurl.com and xenu.net.

Shoutwire

Time To Create A New Sporting Event

2006-10-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

This is a new millennium. Things have changed since the inception of our illustrious group of sports. Our athletes have gotten bigger, faster, and stronger. It takes more to entertain the people nowadays. Even the gladiator battles of old would not suffice to keep the majority of the public satisfied for longer than it takes to change the channel. I propose a change.

We need a new sport. I have devised one, an event that reflects the changes in our society and allows for stiffer competition and more entertaining television. No more of this pussy soccer or football. Even the UFC will pale in comparison. Times have changed; it is far past the moment when our sporting events should reflect that.

Teams will be comprised of convicts, gamers, and strippers. The arena will be a 30 acre plot, littered with broken glass, junked cars, and old neon signs. Hidden throughout will be various sharp and blunt objects, Molotov cocktails, vials of Anthrax, and nun chucks. There will also be an AK-47 randomly placed, rigged to a large hive of coke fed, pissed off, hyped up wasps.

The strippers and the convicts will be implanted with control chips. The gamers will be given high powered laptops and full control over one convict and one stripper each. It will almost play like a video game, with the strippers and convicts being controlled by the gamers using specific programs placed on the laptops, with a very sharp difference. The gamers, like the convicts and the strippers, will be placed in the same arena as the others and also be susceptible to attack.

For every convict that goes down, a random pack of wild animals injected with rabies will be released into the arena. When a stripper goes down, random explosives will be set off. For every gamer who is eaten, stabbed, or otherwise incapacitated, two members of a South American cannibal tribe will be given spears and let loose.

Along with the basic rules, the following perils will be added; disgruntled roofers hanging out of helicopters firing nail guns at whoever they see, random poisoned food everywhere after contestants are starved for a week prior, every piece of metal will be painted red and every third one will be heated to the color red, no shoes, no shirts, no belts, and companys will be given the option of buying hidden land mines and commercials will only be shown when a contestant is blown to pieces by one of them.

Seventeen competitors from each position (gamers, strippers, and convicts) will be involved in every match. Once a player has died, his or her DNA will be used to clone them so they can continue the season. The season will be two years, with three weeks off. Journalists will be allowed to cover each match only if they can survive in the arena for the duration. Matches will go on as long as they have to.

There are three rules: Having sex with dead strippers is disallowed, working together is limited to fighting off wild animals, and only the last team standing is declared the winner. Cameras will be placed throughout the arena and feeds provided on the internet and public access television for free. The viewer will control their own experience with the ability to change cameras at will. When it is possible that a kill is about to take place, all cameras will be auto switched to that area.

Forget arguing over soccer and football and which is better, they are both full of pansies compared to the participants in the arena.

Shoutwire

ShoutWire Declares War!

2006-10-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

This is nothing less than a declaration of war.

The people of SW, including all 40,000+ members, have undemocratically elected me as their leader. My first order of business is to take us to war. As far as I know, this has never been done before. A website has never declared war on a country. Sure, many of us won’t make it back, and that’s because many of us will never get off our computers to fight. We are just that lazy. We are the type to declare war and not show up.

Who will be our enemy in this historic endeavor? Ah, good thing you asked. I happen to have a list of infidels right here in front of me…

First on the list are the people of Monaco. All 31,000 of them. Our demands? Naked pictures of their princess. We have them by nearly 10,000 people. We could storm their beaches right now and they would have no choice but to give up or shoot at us. Seeing as how I know at least two staff members have more guns than the Israelis and like to shoot stuff, it is a good bet they won’t even get two shots off. Beware, government of Monaco, the people of SW will show no mercy on your munchies stash.

Next we have the small country known as the Pitcaim Islands. This country is so obscure that Microsoft word doesn’t even recognize its name. They have all of 47 people. More people can be seen in our comments section than their entire population. Recently, one of their citizens has been seen outside the country buying fruit. We will not allow their aggression to go unchecked.

Then we have France. No one likes them anyways. Wait, wait, this just in. Ten seconds after I wrote that sentence, the French government has declared their surrender. This means we can now boss French people around. Get me some coffee, Pierre, and make it snappy or we will paint the Eiffel tower neon green and make your women shave their pits.

We will then go to war with “Ze Germans”. We are only doing this because everyone else has and we would feel left out if we didn’t have at least one war with them. We will invade seeing as how they got beer and brats. Instead of guns, we will bring charcoal and frosted mugs. Let it be known now that if they can’t provide sufficient lighter fluid, there will be hell to be paid!

We will then declare war on Israel and Lebanon. Seeing as how we do not have anything to bomb, we win by default. I know, we have a lot of Israeli and Lebanese members, and they will be spared and given free boobies to comfort them after their respective countries are beaten. We are not animals.

The final country isn’t really a country at all. Scientology, feel our wrath. We will roam the land in traveling bands of internet users making fun of these guys and sleeping with their women. This could be the most grueling part of our war on the world. Many will suffer, some will get STD’s. However, we must persevere. Women like Katie Holmes are counting on us to save them from the cult leaders. If we let them down, we’re only letting down ourselves.

Gear up, fellas. It is time to rock.

Shoutwire

Animals Planning Terrorist Attack!

2006-10-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

Strange things are going on all around us. Wasps building gigantic nests in Alabama, Psycho raccoons attacking Olympia, and squirrels handing out beat downs all over the world. The signs are everywhere, but no one is paying attention.

Are the animals planning a terrorist attack?

All signs point to the fact that various creatures in nature are gearing up for something big. Over the past hundred or so years, they have strategically placed themselves in our national and city parks, urban and suburban neighborhoods, schoolyards, playgrounds, and empty fields everywhere. They have meticulously infiltrated every aspect of our society causing little to no attention.

They have begun with small strikes and silent surveillance. They work through an elaborate system of interspecies communication with codes that are impossible for even our best cryptologist to crack. Have you seen the fly on the wall during your last secret ninja meetings? Noticing more crabs on the beach while your pirate crew is planning their next raid? They know what we are doing at all times. No place is safe.

It is painfully obvious that something foul is going on. We can only speculate which evil species is behind it all. Could it be the dolphins? They have never quite gotten over the fact that Flipper was canceled without notice. Maybe it is the cockroaches? They are virtually indestructible and have ceased to need humans anymore. It could even be the final wooly mammoth backing the insurgency from hiding. Scientists have recently made some noise about bringing that species back, one has to ask under whose influence they were working.

We know it is coming, but will we be ready when it finally does? They have us in numbers many times over. We have the technology, but will that be enough? Some may believe the key will be finding this rumored wooly mammoth character while others will take the “Kill Them All” approach. We definitely have experience; most of us have been killing animals in one way or the other since we were wee lads. But can we handle an all out attack?

While the majority of these terrorists are small and insignificant, some of them are huge and will bite a human in half. Ever been chased by a rhino? We may have to nuke the rain forests, gas the zoos, and outlaw pet stores. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

We must also keep a close eye on the plants; we can not be sure exactly whose side they are on. Are they part of the threat as well? Can we trust our chronic? Things may get very serious for us if the houseplants and various species of hallucinogens join the animal revolution. They could very well be a deciding factor in the outcome of the coming conflict.

One last thing: Strippers are not dancers; they are whores. It should be illegal for strippers to call themselves dancers.

Shoutwire

Colorado To Vote On Legalizing Marijuana

2006-10-10T19:46:00.000-07:00

Last year, the city of Denver, Colorado, legalized the possession of under an ounce of marijuana within city limits. This was more of a symbolic victory, as nothing really changed. The cops were still handing out tickets and taking away sacks under the precedent that state law, which still has marijuana as an illegal substance, supersedes city law.

That could all change this November. SAFER, the organization that pushed the first initiative last year, has once again triumphed in bringing this to another vote. A proposed state wide decriminalization of marijuana will be voted on by the good folks of Colorado when the polls open up in few short weeks.

I know what you are thinking, and yes, it is sweet, but chickens should not be counted before they are hatched. While Denver is more of a liberal city, Colorado itself is a conservative state. This initiative has been on the ballot before and failed. This time it will not be the “hippies” Cartman is always talking about who decide the vote, but it will be the small mountain towns and folks like Mr. Garrison who are convinced that “Marijuana is bad” who will have the most influence.

Nearly the same proposal was defeated by a slim margin in the late 90’s. A lot has happened since then, what with 9-11 and the war in Iraq. It will be interesting to see how the events of the past few years have affected the small town voters.

Another factor that could decide things is the youth vote. Younger people are notorious non voters, and the only thing that is for sure here is that this initiative will either pass or fail by a only a percentage point or two. The turnout for the 18-24 year old age group could provide just the push Mary Jane and her merry men are looking for.

Also there is the possibility of a major terror attack taking place before the vote. It is hard to tell how that would affect things. On one hand it might make people realize there are much worse problems we need to be spending our money on than marijuana, while on the other hand it might also be the catalyst to enforce stricter laws on the American public for “our own good”. One can only speculate at this point. The next few months will tell the story only as it unfolds and not a second sooner.

Until then, I am going to smoke this big pile of weed I got on my table while staring out my window at the great Rocky Mountains, not giving two shits about the man or his stinking law.

Shoutwire

Angelina Jolie/ Kate Beckinsale Nude

2006-10-10T19:33:00.000-07:00

I cried wolf once. This time I deliver. They aren’t the greatest pics in the world, but I’m not exactly Hugh Hefner over here.

Now spank it really quick and let’s get on with the ban report.

You may have noticed that the amount of Israel/Lebanon and 9-11 articles is slowly dropping. This is due to trigger happy admins who are as sick of the bullshit as you are and are deleting them. If you are one of the users that has had a post deleted, we appreciate the time you took to post however we would appreciate it more if you posted something on a subject that hasn’t been beaten to death.

As for banning, it has been kind of slow lately. A user called “Skyjack” got a ban from a disgruntled admin after calling us all “Dirty niggers”. The note left next to his username in our database after the ban sarcastically read “Guilty as charged”. Another user by the name of Jsizzle was banned after repeated warnings for him not to be such a troll failed to reach any part of his brain. Other than that we haven’t had any really good troll action for a few weeks now.

Apart from those two jackasses, close to 80 spammers were banned. It will never cease to amaze me how many people think SW is a good place to sell car insurance. Imagine two guys standing by a water cooler. One guy says to the other “I got some good news, Phil. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by visiting ShoutWire.”

After one of their own got a verbal beat down, a certain group of bloggers have decided not to use SW anymore. I guess that some people do learn. Still, it sounds to good to be true, we will have to give it a couple of weeks to see if they weren’t just acting out like little girls crying really loud until they either get their way or their parents smack the shit out of them and they have to get back in line or else.

In closing, I have to say that this was a really boring ban report. The jackasses nowadays just aren’t as colorful as the ones we had in the beginning. It almost makes one yearn for the days of old, when every other day someone would commit some sort of funny douchebaggery.

Almost.

Shoutwire

The Next Big Terror Attack

2006-10-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

Break out the bat signal, word is that Osama is planning a new publicity stunt. Or, depending on whom you talk to about it, it could be the US government plotting which big thing to blow up next. Personally, I think Hollywood has something to do with it. (Damn you, Kevin Bacon, I’m on to you!) The only thing the conspiracy theorists and government apologists can agree upon is that something big is bound to happen soon. That and the fact that only a fool would eat a steak without A-1.

What is sad is the fact that it is in no ones best interest to do anything to stop it. An attack would only serve to further the cause of the Bush Administration in their quest for infinite power in the galaxy while at the same time giving fat chumps like Michael Moore another million dollar movie topic to help fill his fat man fridge with Twinkies. Osama will once again be loved by little Muslim kids all over the world and Hollywood will make a sequel to their latest crap fest and rake in a nice sized chunk of change on the good name of Nic Cage. Also, as we all know, anytime anything happens anywhere the oil companies raise the gas prices through the roof. Hell, it might even give old Fred Durst a chance to rise from obscurity once again to ask us “What’s going on?”

The sad truth is this; the bigger the tragedy, the bigger the profit. The more people that die, the more people that will make money. Far too much is riding on this for it to be half assed. The next attack will literally be worth billions. It is coming, just out of sight, creeping over the horizon on that other side of the hill. A lot of money has been spent in the past five years, enough to get people use to living good. Now that well is running dry and there is only one way to fill it again. Blow up a whole lot of innocent people and sell those cheap little American flags to idiots everywhere so they can show their neighbors how patriotic they are by planting it on their front lawn and behind their windows for all to see.

Of course I can’t prove any of this, but what fun would it be if I could? By the end of this year I believe something big is going to happen. A lot of people are going to die. There is nothing that is going to be done to try to stop it because frankly, there is too much money at stake. Nothing has changed since 2001, all the same players are still running the game, sans Saddam, the first round loser, whom I don’t believe had an inkling of a clue in the first place the size of the stick he was about to get rammed up his ass. Of course Israel will blame Hezbollah, as is their custom, and Bush will decide he is a cowboy and give the order to take them out. All hell will break loose and, at least for those in control of the situation, money will fall from the sky like the three pointers that Reggie Miller use to rain down upon the Knicks.

But hey, maybe I’m wrong and it will be all happy fun candy land this Christmas. Maybe the people of this world will finally see the error of their ways and decide to instead work together to feed the poor kids some nice turkey on Christmas Eve and help to make sure the Transformers movie is decent.

Yeah, and maybe Rudolph the red nosed reindeer will fly out of my ass. Stranger things have happened.

Authors note: Wait, no they haven’t. That wasn’t a real reindeer; it was the mushrooms fucking with me.

Shoutwire

Girls Don’t Like Boys, Girls Like Cars And Money

2006-10-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

1. Girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money
We all know about this one. It is the reason you never see a really hot woman riding the bus or standing in line at the local soup kitchen. Nearly every bad event in your life will usually be followed by losing your girlfriend. Wreck your car? Lose your house? Expect to get “the call”.

2. They know within the first two minutes whether or not they are going to sleep with you
I am not exactly sure what it is, hell, not even our greatest scientific minds can figure this one out, but every woman you meet judges you on the first two minutes. She immediately knows whether or not you will be hitting the skins later on that night, or ever for that matter. It is strange how this works, but if you corner a woman who has already decided not to sleep with you, she will admit to it.

3. Confidence is a better attribute than money
Seemingly contradicting number one, this is but one of the many oddities we, as men, must deal with. The ugliest, fattest, poorest man in the world can sleep with the hottest woman if he just knows what he is doing. Unfortunately, most of us who are not fat, ugly, or broke have no idea what the hell we are doing, thus creating unbalance in the universe and a disturbance in the force.

4. They want you to be an asshole
For some reason, if you don’t call or show any interest whatsoever in a woman, she will end up wanting you more. This proves true the old adage “people want what they can’t have”. The best way to get a woman interested in you is to make her think that you aren’t.

5. Size does matter
A dirty lie told by all women. If you have ever heard this from one of your girlfriends, it means she has had bigger cock and that’s what she thinks about when you are fucking her. If you have never heard it, then that means you are the guy that she thinks about when she is fucking her current boyfriend. It is a lose-lose situation either way.

6. They want to change you
Nothing is better for a woman than to feel she has tamed the beast. Sure, she may think it is “cute” now that you have pizza boxes all over your coffee table and like to get shit drunk every Tuesday just because, but trust me, deep down inside, she is plotting your beer-free future.

7. They want you to listen, they don’t want to listen to you
Ever try talking to a woman about sports or computer games? See that far off look in her eyes? Yeah, she may be in the same room with you but her mind is not even in the same universe. Trust me, if she isn’t talking, she isn’t listening either.

8. Women remember everything
Remember that time three years ago, before you even met her, when you made that off color comment about Angelina Jolies breast's? Of course not, but somewhere in the vast database of the female mind, the girl you are with right now remembers. Even if she wasn’t there, she remembers. You will never live down anything you have ever done. Another seemingly contradictory rule, it is more like a secret weapon they use to make it look like rule number seven doesn’t apply.

9. They will end up knowing more about you than your mother
You know that thing you do every time you lie? Of course not, but she does. No embarrassing habit, no matter how small it is, will go unnoticed. You can bet her friends and family probably knows all about them too.

10. Women have secrets
The sky is blue, water is wet, and women have secrets. Joe Hollenbeck’s wise words still echo through my mind as they did the first time I ever saw that great movie. No matter how honest you think she is, there is always some skeleton gathering dust that you will never, nor ever want to, know about.

Now that you have read these rules, you are still no better off than you were before. We will never understand women. Never.

Shoutwire

Zero’s Twisted Mind: “Let’s Go Back To Fighting With Swords!”

2006-10-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

There was a time, centuries ago, when war meant you had to find the other guy and run him through with three feet of cold steel if you wanted to be declared the victor. No smart bombs, no GPS, not even guns. Just a bunch of riled up mean looking guys who haven’t showered in a long time and some pointy metal objects to stick each other with. Sometimes the odd man would get set on fire. Shanking was all in good fun.

Those days are long gone. In this new age of technology, a guy could blow up an entire village without ever having to set foot in the country it once called home. A few hundred years ago, that same guy would have to show up like Rambo with a ninja ax and cut everyone to their faces. That takes balls, not only that, but it also takes a real sickness. A level of dedication must be reached for an undertaking like that. That is a place not a lot of people are willing to go. Taking away the guns and bombs would separate the men from the guys who are just trying to get money for college.

I know what you are thinking, and of course it is gruesome. War isn’t supposed to look pretty. You could watch the guy beside you get cut and die over a month’s long period from gangrene. Don’t expect to keep all your limbs either. Also, make sure to get plenty of fluids in you before the battle because “timeouts” are not allowed. Oh, and if your team loses, don’t expect a rematch. You will all most likely be dead. Not nice dead. Head-chopped-off-in-a-ditch dead.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying get rid of technology completely from warfare. I think we should have cameras stationed everywhere so we can all watch the bloody goodness. As a matter of fact we should all be forced to watch it. This is the type of warfare that you must see the direct actions of up close in order to fully appreciate. If we all got to be a part of the fun maybe then we would research just a little bit before voting on our elected officials.

Maybe we wouldn’t be so patriotic if we got to see little Jimmy from down the block get drawn and quartered by a mob of large, smelly, bearded men. Or maybe it would be just the opposite that disturbs us. What if we get to see little Jimmy go psycho and murder a bunch of guys “Deliverance” style, farm sex and all? Not a pretty mental picture, is it?

I say we put down the guns. Fight it out like men and make everyone watch. Kids, old people, prostitutes, Superman’s grandmother, even the people who aren’t involved. The only way to create peace is to show the world what war really is.

We could always take heart in the fact that if this didn’t create a nice, peaceful Earth in a hurry, then the human race is destined to destroy itself anyways. At least then we would know for sure.

Shoutwire

Ten Reasons Why Israel And Lebanon Both Suck

2006-10-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

1. They are both too far away.
If I can’t throw a rock and hit you in the head from where I’m standing, you don’t merit the entire front page of SW. Call me American, but that’s just how I feel.

2. Neither has a hockey team…
This is probably because they don’t have much ice, but still. I would be much more sympathetic to their causes if one of my beloved Avalanche players was traded to the Middle East for a Stanley Cup run.

3. Haven’t they been fighting for years anyways?
Since I was a kid anyways, and I’m 28. During the time they have been glaring across the border at each other, many countries have went to war and gotten over it. These people will not quit until they are dead. I say let them go at it.

4. I’m not a big fan of the desert.
It is hot, there is sand everywhere, and if the whole thing blew up, it would look no different. Maybe if they put some grass down, perhaps a few trees, and had a dollar margarita night like Casa Bonita’s, my tune would change.

5. People are dying here in the US…
We can’t even stop people from killing each other over crack in our own cities, what makes us think we can make any kind of a difference halfway around the world?

6. Neither has had a good party in years…
It is not like either place is a strong tourist destination. Like I said before, without the dollar margaritas, it really just doesn’t bother me if they blow each other up.

7. They don’t produce anything I care about…
My cell phone does not say “made in Israel” on it. Taiwan, Japan, China, and Mexico, now those are countries we should worry about. Neither Isreal nor Lebanon supplies us with cheap, quality electronic components. Until they get off their lazy asses and do so, they just don’t merit our attention.

8. Their food sucks…
Let’s face it, it is not exactly like they are producing quality burritos. Kosher is Israeli for “no taste”.

9. I knew a Lebanese guy once…
He was an asshole, and I think he still owes me some money. If you are reading this, fuck you, Kumar. Ok, maybe he was Pakistani or something.

10. They take up the entire front page of SW…
Yeah, you can’t tell me I’m the only one sick of this crap. Isn’t there some kind of discussion board somewhere for this kind of shit? Jesus fucking Christ people.

Shoutwire

Spiderman Unmasked

2006-10-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

Last month, in a stunning move by Marvel Comics, everyone’s favorite wall-crawler unmasked himself. In the comic “Civil War” no. 2, Spiderman called a press conference in Times Square and announced “My name is Peter Parker, and I have been Spiderman since I was 15 years old. Any questions?”

At first it seemed like unprintable blasphemy. Spiderman is hands down the most popular superhero of all time. A lot of us spent a good portion of our young lives reading his comics. We feel like we know him as an old friend. It is almost as if we grew up with him. In a perfect world, his exploits would be considered classic American literature. Even those who do not partake in the comic genre still know of him and the story behind the man.

It is all different now. Our children and grandchildren will not know the same Spidey. We knew Peter Parker as just a regular guy. He was a photographer then a teacher in the later years. He had real world problems that we could relate to. It was the human element about him that we all loved. Now, it seems, that may be gone forever.

It is not the first major change to the beloved comic book characters life since his inception in 1968. Many characters have been killed off. The final battle between Spiderman and the Green Goblin in the first movie was almost a frame by frame playback of the comic in which Gwen Stacy (Pete’s first love) died. The only difference is the fall didn’t kill Mary Jane before she hit the ground, as it did Ms. Stacy. Death has been a reoccurring theme in the wall-crawlers career since the beginning, but never have we seen anything that will impact the marvel world as much as this.

It is not just the comics that are changed. The character will never be the same again. The Peter Parker we once knew and loved is now gone. Now, it is only time that will tell whether the good writers at Marvel Comics can save our greatest hero from the worst peril he has ever faced: the writers at Marvel Comics.

Shoutwire

Interview With Jesus

2006-10-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

Jesus is not an easy person to track down. Oh, they will tell you he is everywhere, but finding him and securing an interview is like trying to find Santa at a hardware store in the middle of July. I finally caught up with him in a bar just south of the Peruvian/ Columbian border and traded two tequilas and a cheap whore for an interview.

Zero: So, what made you do it? I mean the whole religion business and all that.

Jesus: Well, Bob, it is not something I had intended from the start. Back when I started out, guys like Zeus and Apollo had a corner on the market. They had temples and harems of women. I delivered fish in the desert. One day I backed over a guy while I was dropping off a load to a crowd of people and the next thing I know they are calling me the messiah. To make a long story short, being the son of God is a little bit of an upgrade from handling dead fish, so I made up a back story and went with it. Word of me spread like wildfire. People were a lot easier to fool before cable news and the internet came along.

Zero: That’s cool, but my name isn’t Bob. So, if it was all a hoax, what about the miracles and the whole crucifixion thing?

Jesus: The miracles were all smoke and mirrors. I had hired some actors to convince people they were sick or diseased and then I would come in, say something wise, lay my hands on them, and they would get “better”. We worked hundreds of dumb villagers for everything from their livestock to their daughters. Those were really good times.

The crucifixion is another story. You see, there were only so many little villages around the desert at that time. We got too well known. One night I was sitting around the campfire with Judas and some Romans drinking wine and smoking opium and we came up with a little plan. I can’t really go in to specifics, but let’s just say that while that other guy was rotting on the cross, I was laying down with a couple of busty maid servants in the Emperors private chamber. They buried that poor schmuck in a cave, then, three days later I show back up and the rest is history.

Zero: Wow. That is an incredibly wicked lie to perpetrate on people. Don’t you feel some sense of responsibility for the hundreds of years of war that lie has caused?

Jesus: Not really, Bob…

Zero: My name is not Bob.

Jesus: Like I was saying, not really Bob. If it wasn’t me it would have been someone else. All the guys did it. Buddha, Mohammed, even that David Koresh guy got in on the act a few hundred years later. It’s all about business. I’m pulling in more than Bill Gates here, Bob. I got a store on every corner. And I’m not the only one making money here either. I’m sure you have noticed that your local pastor is not driving an old Honda…

Zero: You are a terrible, terrible man. I feel like just meeting you somehow made me a really bad person myself.

Jesus: It’s all about perspective, Bob. You’re not looking at the big picture here. I just did what every other asshole in my situation would have done. Someone has to take advantage of the people, if not me, who? Gandhi? He is a big pussy. Buddha? Sure, give it to a fat ass that claims to never eat. Thor was a tough one but he gave up all his rights to religious domination when he joined the Avengers.

Zero: I think Captain America would kick your ass…

Jesus: See, a few hundred years ago a mouth like that would have gotten you burned at the stake. Now you got all these god damn environmentalist hippie liberals out there who cry every time you try to drown a woman for witchcraft. I personally blame the Buddhists, but what can you do…

Zero: So, with all this money you are raking in, what in the blue hell are you doing way out here, in the jungles of South America?

Jesus: They don’t ask questions when the hookers disappear.

Zero: Well, this has been fun. I thank you for your time and wish you the best on your world domination thing.

Jesus: Didn’t you mention something about a couple of shots and a hooker?

Zero: I lied.

Shoutwire

Headlines Of The Future

2006-10-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

What if we woke up one day to a world where everyone was inspired to tell the truth? It is a crazy idea which would shake this Earth to its very foundations. Your wife might break down and tell you exactly what happened that drunken night back in college. You might get a call from your mother explaining to you the real reason your coach used to come over to practice with you every night. Usually when the truth is kept from you it is something you didn’t want to know in the first place. Try hacking into one of your ex's e-mail accounts and you will find out exactly what I mean.

While everyone’s personal lives may get turned upside down and inside out, imagine the headlines we would see in the press. Strictly for entertainment purposes, I have put together a collection of what these headlines might look like. I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoyed putting them together.

Bush Admits Bin Laden Connection
Washington, DC- In a hastily called press conference today, President Bush admitted that Osama Bin Laden was caught over six years ago and has been living in the white house basement this whole time in the guise of one Dick Cheney, who himself has been dead for over 20 years. “To be fair, I would have never let him move in if he didn’t bring the cocaine…”

Bonds: I Eat Them For Breakfast
San Francisco- Giants slugger and soon-to-be all time home run leader Barry Bonds admitted to steroid use today in a shocking revelation to his fans. “I like to chew them in pill form with my cheerios,” the slugger told the press after a 2-1 Giants loss to the Dodgers, “I actually have a needle sticking in my ass right now…”

AOL: “Yes, We Do Suck”
Internet- In a statement posted on their website today, the owners and operators of America Online have confirmed that all the programs they install on your computer are completely useless. “We will be changing our slogan,” a company spokesman said earlier today “From now on, it will be “AOL, when you just can’t get enough spy ware by looking at porn…”

Ashlee Simpson Camp Admits To No Talent
Hollywood- A spokeswoman for the young pop singer confirmed what people around the world have always known. “Actual talent has no place in the music industry,” the camp told the press this morning, “We get paid whether the “music” is good or not and it is just a bonus that we can get your daughters to dress like whores in the process…”

MPAA: Same Screenplay For Decades
Hollywood- “There hasn’t been an original screenplay since ‘Casablanca”, a spokesman for the Motion Picture Association of America said earlier. “We have simply changed the actors and renamed the same film for the past 40 years…”

Bill Gates Convicted Of Murder
Oregon- The founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, was arrested today after revealing what really happened to the people who made fun of him in high school. Police discovered the heads of seventeen men and one woman impaled on sticks in the computer mogul’s basement earlier today after an announcement by the Microsoft chief…

Hillary Admits To Her Own Affair
Arkansas- Former first lady and future presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, came clean today about an affair with Ellen DeGeneres of TV’s “Ellen” during the time of her husband’s sex scandal in the White House. “She was much better than Bill…”

Vatican: It Was All A Lie To Sell T-Shirts
Rome- In a stunning revelation today out of Rome, the Pope not only admitted that he still wore his old Nazi uniform to take baths in, he also revealed that Jesus was actually a wizard from another planet sent to steal our women and rule over our fashion industry…

Masterminds Behind The War In Iraq Revealed
Texas- CEO’s of eleven major oil companies released a statement today…

DEA: We Have Been Keeping All The Drugs For Ourselves
Washington, DC- “We have been having the greatest parties for the last thirty five years…”

Shoutwire

Staffer Of ShoutWire Apologizes To Blogger

2006-10-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

It seems earlier this week, a malicious article was posted on this site claiming ShoutWire promotes kiddy porn. After a heated discussion at one of the webmaster forums that likes to try to manipulate what you read here, the blogger in question demanded a front page apology and to be thanked for writing his crappy piece. In true SW fashion, here it is…

On behalf of ShoutWire, I want to say sorry. I'm sorry you are such an attention whore that you can’t stick to your own site and have to leech our bandwidth and user base. I am sorry you are such a bad writer that you had to do a poor job at imitating a tabloid. I'm also sorry you can’t handle words like “fuck” or “shit”. I hope you accept this apology, shine it up real nice, turn that son of a bitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass.

We are not here to cater to a self-promoting fool who believes his feelings are more important than the masses who read this great site. Maybe you should go back to the daycare where the nice teachers can protect your virgin ears from our blasphemies and leave this place for the big boys? No one here cares about your blog or the affiliation you claim to have with the big bad FOX news. We don’t give two shits about you or the celebrities you write about.

Another thing we also don’t give two shits about is your lame threat to label us as terrorists. I am a god damn American; you can’t call me a terrorist unless you live in Iraq. So someone somewhere may want to kick your ass for what you wrote on the internet. Join the club, buddy. No one knows how harsh the internet can be more than me. Two weeks after my mother passed away, some asshole here made a comment about fucking her. Did you see me cry and demand an apology? No, and do you want to know why? Because I, unlike you, know how to take a few bad words directed to me on the internet without going all "drama queen".

This guy only attacked ShoutWire because we are more popular than his gay little celebrity-affectionate blog. He thought it could get him a better site ranking (which is now 1,526,843) and maybe even a comment or two. Then, he posts about it on some obscure discussion board and when we call his bullshit, he demands an apology. This guy reminds me of the little weiner dog who snips and snips until the pit bull eats his punk ass. Even though he was completely and totally wrong in this situation and admitted it, he still wouldn’t leave well enough alone.

I’m not going to mention his name here because his blog doesn’t deserve any more attention. One thing I will do, just to show him there are no hard feelings, is to take up a collection for him. He must not be making enough money off that little blog of his to buy a box of tissues, because he is crying all over the internet. If everyone donates a nickel to my pay pal address, I will personally buy a box of Kleenex and have FedEx overnight it to his doorstep.

In closing, I would like to thank all the users who brought the ads to our attention in a civilized manner. I would also like to apologize to any user who may have clicked an ad and got something they didn’t expect. I also must say sorry for that Angelina Jolie / Kate Beckinsale thing last week. I still feel pretty bad about that.

Author's note to individual in question: Go ahead, write about me on your little blog. I’ll make you famous :)

EDIT: It has recently came to my attention that this guy is the one with the kiddie porn on his site. http://www.freshdames.com/jamie_spears/index.html. Jamie is only fifteen. Thanks for filling us in, Adamness.

Shoutwire

Throwing A Keg Party: 101

2006-10-10T18:54:00.000-07:00

It is early Sunday morning here at the base of the great Rocky Mountains, and there is a keg of beer resting in my living room. Most kegs around the world are empty right now, the victim of a ruthless Saturday night of hard drinking, but not this one. This one was purposely held back for use on this, Sunday, the day most decent folks go to church. There is a method behind the madness. Welcome to “How To Throw A Keg Party” 101. I will be your instructor today.

Let me start off by saying this is far from the first keg party I have thrown. After years and years with many, many blowouts, I have realized that there is a science to it. As I woke up this morning, like a 6 year old on Christmas, I realized that a lot of planning went in to this thing. I decided to pass on my knowledge to the populace of ShoutWire. What follows are a few rules you should use when planning your next kegger to optimize party performance.

1. Throw it on a Sunday. This eliminates all the kiddies who would likely find their way in. While a keg party isn’t age specific, a good rule is too keep everyone over 20, 18 at the very minimum. Optimally, everyone would be over 21, but in times of kegs, you always have to figure in for the unknown factor.

2. Keep it on ice for at least two days. No one likes warm beer. A keg fridge is the best idea, but in case one isn’t handy, a garbage can usually does nicely. Keep that son of a bitch submerged and come time to tap it, everyone will be happy.

3. Give everyone at least a week notice. This will ensure nothing else will come up and that you won’t be left with a half a keg at the end of the night. Proper notice must be given.

4. Don’t invite too many people. The ones you do invite will bring friends for sure. Invite half of what it would take to finish the keg, and the rest will just show up. Trust me on this.

5. Buy lots of plastic cups. You will need more than you think. Everyone, at one point in the festivities, loses their cup at least once. Get a marker and keep it by the keg as well for easy identification.

6. Move all of your valuables to a safe place. This means CD’s, DVD’s, any handheld gaming consoles, ipods and the like. Burn some CD’s for music and use those for entertainment.

7. Drink in moderation. No one wants to see a host all shit faced, just in case shit goes down.

8. Be sure to talk to everyone, even those you don’t know. Make everyone feel welcome and good vibes will prevail.

Follow these guidelines and fun will be had for all.

Shoutwire

Angelina Jolie/ Kate Beckinsale Nude Sex Tape!

2006-10-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

I know you think the title was just another lame attempt to get you to read the latest ShoutWire ban report, but you are wrong. If it was so lame, you wouldn’t be reading.

“ShoutWire is pushing an agenda!” That was the cry from one blogger this week after having one of his crappy articles deleted. Oh no, he found us out. There will be no more manipulation of the masses with this young Sherlock Holmes around to stop us. Because as we all know, world policy is made around SW’s editorials. And our super laser was in its final testing stages.

I just got one question for this blogger. How does it feel to be owned by Bulshoy? From what I read, he wasn’t to gentle when he rammed your words up your arse, but then again, maybe you like it rough, eh?

Also, seeing as how this site is mainly for English speaking people, we have to ask that no more articles be posted in Italian. This means you, southmac, and that is why you were banned. Here on SW, we speak English, and bad English at that. Don’t forget, I’m half Italian myself and usually stoned out of my mind. I can not assure anyone that the next time I see something like that, I won’t believe it to be a mob threat and have to break some kneecaps.

A user with the handle of Andricon was banned for bashing admins. This does not mean he was banned for his opinion. This means he must have went way too far. If you are a regular, you see the type of shit we put up with on a daily basis. In order to receive a ban, a user has to go quite far. Case in point, I have never banned PhilArmstead, and he hates me with every fiber of his being. Hi Phil :)

A couple of racist fucks were banned. They don’t even deserve mention here other than to say they were banned. Please people, we don’t ask for much, but if you are going to hate someone, hate them for their opinion, not the color of their skin. This is not Alabama in the 60’s. You will be banned for being a racist prick.

H2owned threaten to sue ShoutWire because he was being a racist prick and was subsequently warned. This is a prime example of someone taking the internet a bit too far. Suing is for pussies. I will now take this time to challenge H2owned to a steel cage match up. Name the time and place, and its on like Donkey Kong Biaaaaatch.

Other than the fuckers that were mentioned above, nearly a hundred spammers were also banned.

That’s it for this week. Until next week, “fuck you zero” will still not get you banned.

Shoutwire

Cocaine: A Different Perspective

2006-10-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

We shall now take ShoutWire to a place it has never been before, delving into subject matter that is normally only spoken of in smoky back rooms and darkly lit alleyways, even then only in a low whisper. The topic today is cocaine, and we will take a look at it in a different light than most are use to. Instead of going on and on about the dangers of the drug and how it will ruin your life forever, like you have all heard a million times before, I have decided to play devils advocate once again and speak about the fun side of the chemical composition.

Yes, the fun side. The one they don’t tell you about in DARE class. Contrary to popular belief, if used in moderation you will not end up a toothless, homeless, sign wielding freeway dweller. That only happens when you decide that the next line is more important than rent. If you have this type of addictive personality, then you should probably leave the white whore alone. However, if one can handle their salt, so to speak, one could end up in all kinds of wild situations.

Fast women follow cocaine around like white on rice. While it is true that most of these women will care nothing about you and only be around for the drugs, it is also true that this is a very superficial society. It is a two way street, however, because if they didn’t have titties, they wouldn’t be getting free coke. Everything balances itself out in the end. At times, superficial friendships and relationships can be just as good as anything else available.

Sometimes, a binge is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. I say screw spending five grand on a weekend getaway to have some stupid therapist with fake ass diplomas tell you that you need more focus in your life, why not spend a fraction of that on an 8 ball and some hookers and work your frustration out the old fashioned way. You only live once. On that note, it is also a good thing to remember that very thing when deciding that the time has come to put down the 100$ bill and go home. (A good rule is to only do it when you have 100$ bill to use. That way you know you aren’t going to end up broke)

It is also fun to know that the money you spent will go to fund a brand new machine gun for little Timmy of the Columbian cocaine smugglers child army. You could argue the morality of that situation all night and all day long, but you would change your tune if you seen the way little Timmy’s eyes light up when he mows down the first farmer who doesn’t pay for protection with his brand new, shiny M-16. It is almost like you are playing Santa Claus to some poor South American kid without a family. How could you not feel good about that?

Right about now you are thinking “Damn, this guy sounds like Joe the crack advocate”, but you would be mistaken. It has been a while since I went all Tony Montana on a pile of white stuff. Also, for the record, smoking crack is dirty. I know, it sounds a bit hypocritical, but there is a very big difference. It is all about moderation (once every few months - not once every two days).

I hope you have either enjoyed or been infuriated by my take on cocaine. If you ever have a Sunday free and some hookers just happen to stop by, I recommend it fully.

Shoutwire

Why The World Should Hate America

2006-10-10T18:43:00.000-07:00

Reason one: Tom Cruise. Yes, we know, he is a dumb ass. This one we apologize for. There was no excuse for us to unleash such a raving lunatic into this world. We are sorry. However, “The Last Samurai” did rock, there is no denying that.

Reason Two: Hillary Clinton. We are actually apologizing in advance for this one. Right now it is a very decent possibility that she may be elected as our next president. No good can come of that. No good at all. Expect her to be a total cunt. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Reason Three. We don’t care about soccer. To be fair, just because the rest of the world likes something so damn much they burn their cities because they won some kind of championship doesn’t mean we have to be the same way. We have our own sports we burn our cities over.

Reason Four: We drive on the wrong side of the road. Fair enough, but we are also in a different hemisphere. Wrap your mind around that one.

Reason Five: We spanked the world at the Olympics in the snowboarding competition. So, our snowboarders are just better than yours. Don’t worry, we won’t gloat over it.

Reasons Why America Should Hate The World.

Reason One: You don’t speak English. I mean, come on, respect the tourism industry. I don’t want to have to learn French for a two hour trip to Paris. It would just make everything so much easier if you all just changed your language to English. Don’t be so god damn selfish.

Reason Two: Too many of you move here. Why is it always foreign guys? Send some women! Think about it, no one would complain if it was millions of hot Mexican chicks streaming into this country everyday. Also, when you bring your women over here, don’t be surprised when we try to steal them for hot, sweaty, foreign sex. It is just what guys in different countries do to each other.

Reason Three. You blame us for what bush is doing. Just to clarify this situation, the American people have absolutely nothing to do with what the Texan is doing. Frankly, we barely even pay attention to him anymore. Who cares if he destroys the world, he is gone in three years anyways.

Reason Four: We have bigger dicks. It is true. A whore told me that once.

Reason Five: Our snowboarders kicked your asses at the Olympics. So, one chick fell. We still kicked ass at every other event. Owned.

Shoutwire

F*ck Religion, Legalize Marijuana, Impeach Bush... For A Better Tomorrow

2006-10-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

It is called title manipulation, and it is a very dirty way to get you to read the latest ShoutWire User Ban Report.

Let me just start this off by saying that, no, I am not going to ban myself, no matter how many emails I receive. Since no other user even came close to my vote count, no one will be banned for the sake of entertainment this week. Try to hold back your tears. For all of you who did vote to ban me I would just like to say “Fuck you, fuck you in your stupid asses.” I feel better.

This last week was a busy one for the trigger happy admins here at ShoutWire. Beginning with Americas Birthday, a guy with the sex-magnet super user name of 18sexok was run out of town for posting too many links to his own site. Another user was banned the same day for the very same offense. That was just the start, however, as it seems self promotion here on our great website is running rampant lately.

The 5th saw a survey advertiser banned as well as some douche trying to sell real estate. Some people have no shame while others seem to have no brains. Just like the wedding thing a few weeks ago, if you buy your next house from a SW link, you are an idiot. When it was all said and done, a total of four people were banned that evening for spamming and self promotion.

On the 6th, 25 motherfuckers were banned for spamming. Products from baby food to travel ads were involved. These people are getting ridiculous. At this point, some ShoutWire staff considered taking donations for plane tickets and baseball bats.

If you think that is bad, a whopping 43 users were banned the very next day. Reason? You guessed it: Spam. 43 is not a small number. 14 bastards were banned the next day to bring the three day grand total up to 82. This is the most users ever banned in a small period in our history. Only one guy, FuckQuebec, was banned for being an asshole. He only received a seven day ban and should be back any day now.

It finally calmed down on the 9th, when only three users were banished forever. The list that day included two spammers and some guy with a car blog. Alas, the calm was not to last.

15 spammers were banned on the 10th. Once again, all advertisers, no assholes. The staff is no longer considering taking donations, we’re just gonna pay for the trip and the bats ourselves.

Today, we have axed four spammers and a personal blogger. It is a low number, but the day isn’t over yet.

My plan for a better tomorrow? Visit the spammers and break computers open. Until next week, this is xxoozero reporting, and I’m still not banning myself.

Shoutwire

Will We Have To Fight For The Web?

2006-10-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

In case you missed the signposts, you have now entered the bad part of the internet. The people here don’t want to be your friend, we are not here to listen to you whine, we could give two shits about your opinion, and if you don’t have thick skin, we may just send you home crying. This is far from MySpace, so check your souls and all your tears at the door. Things like that do not belong here.

We are the worst society has to offer. Don’t get it twisted, were not criminals or thugs. Most of us have respectable jobs and lead nice, normal lives. However, who we are during the daylight hours makes no difference here. As soon as we get home and log on, we become entirely different people. We are the ruthless, uncaring masses. We are the pirates of the true final frontier. We are the future of freedom in this world. And there are millions of us.

This is our playground. This is where we pWnz. Get off your tricycle and you might just get robbed and beaten. Not even the largest of corporations can handle us here. This is our battlefield. Our home court. Our universe. We make our own rules and enforce them ourselves. Cross the wrong one of us and the nice little black box you paid a grand for just might not work tomorrow.

We were all n00bs once. We all learned the hard way not to click random links, usually via tubgirl or lemonparty. We also learned that everything here is free and there is no need to pay for anything. We have all became something different through our activities on the web. We have been chewed up, spit out, and reborn. Chuck Palahniuk’s uses of the metaphors “wad of cookie dough” and “carved from wood” is truer no where else than it is here.

We are the biggest sleeping giant this world has ever seen. While it is true that none of us can ever fully agree on any one thing, we are still united. All it takes is the catalyst. All we need is our great cause, that small noise in the night that awakens us all. All they have to do is keeping fucking with our online freedoms.

It’s coming, folks. I can see it just over the horizon. Corporations keep pushing us further and further each and every day. The storm is brewing. The kettle is about to blow. The next world war will be fought online. When it finally happens, we, the underbelly of the internet, will be the ones called upon to fight, and we will come out swinging. The battle will rage until it is finally over and we stand victorious.

Twenty years from now, when we see our grandkids online calling each other names and arguing stupid points, that is when it will all be worth it. That is when we will see the real fruits of our fight to protect our freedoms. That, my fellow pirate ninjas of the World Wide Web, is the real reason why we are here. Not only to create our future, but to preserve it for generations of assholes to come.

Welcome to web 3.0. Things might get a bit hairy. Most of us can’t wait.

Shoutwire

The Weekly ShoutWire Ban Report

2006-10-10T18:18:00.000-07:00

This is probably a bad idea, but at the very least it will be fun.

RussiansAreHomesexuals was banned on the 20th for being generally gay and spewing forth hate. The same day a previously banned user by the name of Mitza tried sneaking back in but was caught and killed. The next day a poker spammer was banned for attempting to promote his crappy website in our beloved home of internet news, and McdonaldsGUNSandheartattacksOhmy was banned with no reason given. I think from the username, however, it is not hard to figure out.

Later on in the week, a user by the innovative name of claudesdgfs15 was banned twice for spamming on two different accounts. A certain blackenja was banned for being an “Idiot who posts nothing but nonsense.” The ever popular AmericanAreOverwieght was also shit-canned for a few days with no explanation needed. How many of us saw that coming?

A blogger by the name of Amigo pissed someone off this week by repeatedly linking to his blog. No one likes to see that. Thamnophilus8978 was banned for repeated spam, but that wasn’t enough for this genius; he came back under duplicate names over ten times in a three minute span before he finally gave up. Some people should be shot rather than banned.

It seems as though DrunkenRatTrap was advertising an eBay auction and was banned earlier today. Another casualty was an advertiser by the name of tonot4.

Amigo came back and was banned again for trying to blog. Give it up, Amigo - we don’t like you.

10 new URLs were banned this week. Amongst the damned were a wedding website, a website that has something to do with wine, and a website dedicated to rare birds I am assuming. Some people will try to advertise anything on ShoutWire. Really, how many of us are planning on getting married anytime soon? Even if I was, I would make sure it had nothing to do with anything I found on ShoutWire. Some people have no shame.

One last thing. If you would like a user banned, send an e-mail to xxoozero@shoutwire.com with the subject “SW USER BAN: USERNAME” with the username being that of the person you want to vote to be banned. The user who receives the most votes by next week gets banned for three days.

Shoutwire

The Final Marijuana Crop Report?

2006-10-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, this may be the final crop report you see here on ShoutWire. The decision to take the editorials off the front page coupled with the fact that SW writers do not get paid has taken nearly all the motivation out of it. I refuse to write this for five people who happen to catch it floating somewhere on page ten of user submissions. If the reader base isn’t all in, it is just not worth it. However, there is something you can do if you would like to see it continue; email the shit out of the owners of this site and let them know the editorials must be kept on the front page. The email address is feedback@shoutwire.com.

On with the report.

Prices in Michigan have been holding steady from what I hear. In the home of the Wolverines you can pick up an 1/8 of some blueberry nugs for 45. An 1/8 of their regular stuff can be found for 25. I have it on good authority that the primo bud is readily available, at least on a weekly basis, and has been for over a year.

Covering more of the great, frozen north, we move on to Southern Ontario. Just south of Toronto, prices have gone up recently from 80 a half to upwards of 95 for mid grade stuff. The same goes for around 200 an ounce. Sadly, it use to be 200 an ounce for the good stuff. I was told a grow house got busted in that area, so that may have something to do with the raise in prices. Fuck the police.

Staying in Canada for just a few minutes, we travel to Halifax, NS, where a gram of kills will run you 10$. 10 grams will run you 60 to 70, where an ounce is anywhere in-between 200 and 220. The bud varies widely and I’m told quality is all about who you know.

Prices in India are sickly low. Rumors are of a dime sack of some average smoke going for 50 cents. (Not the rapper, the thing that’s actually worth something.) A kilo of the better quality stuff runs between 150-200 US dollars. With all the different strains going around, it is possible to mix a concoction that will knock you straight on your ass.

Off to Texas, home of the hated Dallas Cowboys and the decent San Antonio Spurs. Zips of shwagg are going for 40-60 on the mean streets of Dallas, whereas you can get a quarter of the good shit for as little as 80. The o-zones of the good stuff can be found for 210, although typically when bought in smaller quantities, it is found at 15 a gram.

If this is the last crop report, I would like to end it here in Colorado. I’m getting my halfs of shwagg for 25, zones for 50, and a qp goes for 150. Nugs are holding steady at 50 an 1/8, 100 a quarter, and 250 an ounce. The best weed is always found in Boulder near the college.

That’s it for this week. Maybe if enough emails roll in I will see you again next week. If not, it’s been fun.

Shouwire

The Final Marijuana Crop Report?

2006-10-10T18:11:00.000-07:00

The Weekly Marijuana Crop Report Returns

2006-10-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

After two weeks of complete and total silence, a sound was finally heard. This particular sound was akin to a million lighters firing up all at once. Then, a moment of hesitation followed by millions and millions of what seemed like people coughing. Yes, the crop report has returned.

Trying to explain where I have been in the past two weeks would be near impossible given my previous state of mind and no one would believe me anyways. It may be hard for some of us to believe, but there are still places in this world where accessing the internet is next to impossible. I know, it is deplorable, and someday I will write something horrible about it, but for now let’s just get on with the crop report.

Let’s start out in Japan, where their technology may be more advanced than ours but their buds are downright expensive. Sources report that grams are going for 50$ US on the tiny island of Sony. The quality is unknown, but at those prices it had better be damn good. Everyone take a moment out to take a big hit for our Japanese brothers and sisters who are going without tonight because they don’t live in Jamaica.

From expensive to cheap, we now travel back to the good old USA. New Mexico, the state of my birth, is reporting prices are at an all time low. Not only that, but they actually got hash for 25$ to 35$ a gram. Here and I thought the only thing in that state was a bunch of my Mexican cousins and the hospital I was born in. Quality dank is going for 100$ a quarter, which is normal, but shwagg is going for as little as 15$ an ounce. No wonder my mom moved out that way 4 years ago without saying a word to anyone. Mom, if you’re reading this, (and she would be), I might need to crash on your couch for a while, just to test out my sources.

We are now going to go halfway across the country to Ohio, home of the Cleveland Browns football franchise. There was a time when it wasn’t, thanks to Baltimore. Browns fans know what I’m talking about. They are paying as much as 130$ an ounce for shwagg. Ounces of dank are 280$-350$. The standard 50$ an 1/8 applies here for the nuggets as well. Sources say weed is always readily available.

From halfway across the country, we now head halfway across the world, to Italy. Never buy weed from a heroin junky in Italy, it will be crap. Or maybe it is the other way around; one can never be quite sure. It is a sick game, this weed buying stuff. Anyways, you can get some nice hash for ten Euros a gram, which is 280 Euros an ounce. I have been told that it is hard to find weed until late summer and it is mostly hash that goes around.

Finally, no crop report is complete without the frozen, stoned land to the north being included. Montreal prices are said to be holding steady at 130$ to 160$ an ounce depending on who you know. There was also talk of White Widow making its rounds in the former home of a decent baseball team (Rest In Peace, Expos!!)

That’s all for this week, hopefully I won’t run into anymore wild strippers or 720 errors and can bring the next edition of this report to you in seven days. Also, if you are not sick of me already, check out my new radio show debuting on CautionRadio.net Tuesday after next at 7pm eastern. There will be plenty of devil music, blasphemy, and the sacrificing of virgins, kind of like the anti-church. In other words, fun for all.

Don’t forget the email address, xxoozero@shoutwire.com. All tips are anonymous, as always.

Shoutwire

Quotes From The MPAA Website

2006-10-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

The following are some quotes from the MPAA’s website.

“People often download movies on the Internet because they believe they are anonymous and will not be held responsible for their actions. They are wrong.”

Some people also believe they can keep feeding us crap and make us pay 10$ a pop for it. They are the ones who are the ball lickers! I mean, wrong.

“The illegal downloading and swapping of movie files is a serious crime. Pirates and their affiliates can and will be tracked for engaging in Internet piracy.”

Yes, the prisons should be full of download-happy computer geeks instead of murderers and rapists. That is what our society is lacking for sure.

“Some countries have already experienced the complete shutdown of their own movie industries due to piracy.”

No wonder Zimbabwe is so poor.

“The average motion picture cost the MPAA member companies $96.2 million to make and market in 2005. Six out of ten movies never recoup their original investment. Fewer movies will be made and fewer creative risks will be taken if piracy is continues to rob those who invest in movies.”

Six out of ten movies suck. And what do we give a fuck if some artsy asshole doesn’t get to make his stupid chick-flick that we have already seen 20 million times before? Maybe what we need here is less quantity and more quality; make these guys start working for a living like the rest of us.

“For consumers to continue to experience the variety and quality of movies they expect, piracy must be controlled. The entertainment industry recognizes the potential of technology to deliver content in new and exciting ways. However, the looming threat of piracy can thwart innovation.”

They have used the word “piracy” where they should have used the word “corporations” and the word “innovation” where they should have used the words “profit margin”. I still also fail to see how it is all of a sudden our fault that the majority of movies they make suck and nobody wants to watch them.

“The US movie industry provides jobs, revenue and an export surplus for the US economy. Piracy hurts economies everywhere movies are sold, displayed or broadcast. In 2005, MPAA studios lost $6.1 billion to piracy.”

Here and all this time I thought it was the whole war thing that was hurting our economy. Silly me, it was the internet pirates the whole time.

“Downloading a movie without paying for it is no different than walking into a store and stealing a DVD off the shelf.”

And charging me five dollars for a soda is also highway robbery.

“Each week, law enforcement around the
world catch movie thieves red handed.”

And that is something to be proud of, because they didn’t have to catch any real criminals that week.

“And it's not just the wealthiest people involved in movies that are hurt. It's every one of the 750,000 people who get up every day in the U.S. and go to work to bring you the magic of the movies. It's people like the stuntmen and women, the grips, the makeup artists and even the caterers who feed the crew.”

If we keep downloading, they are going to stop feeding the crew? Pretty soon, Tom Cruise will be as hungry as a hostage.

“The US Motion Picture Industry employs over 750,000 people nationwide, not to mention the thousands of peripheral jobs that rely on the movie industry such as advertising to popcorn manufacturers.”

They expect us to have sympathy for a man who sells us 8$ tubs of popcorn? Screw that guy right in his ass.

“Piracy is the unauthorized taking, copying or use of copyrighted materials without permission. It is no different from stealing another person's shoes or stereo, except sometimes it can be a lot more damaging.”

I fail to see how downloading a movie can be anywhere near stealing a man’s tunes and making him walk home barefoot.

Shoutwire

September 11th, 2001

2006-10-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

September 11th, 2001. The darkest day in the history of the United States. Some think it was Osama Bin Laden who perpetrated those most foul of acts upon the American people. Yet others say it was our own government that did the dirty deed. The only thing that is totally clear is that none of us will probably ever know the entire truth.

Recently, celebrities such as Charlie Sheen have voiced their concerns over the official story the United States government passed down to us. This has brought a new round of recent media attention to this already beaten and battered subject. Like ads on an infected operating system, new and elaborate conspiracy theories seem to be popping up out of nowhere.

One thing is for sure though, none of it really adds up. The idea that our own government would kill thousands of civilians is almost as ludicrous as saying that it was twelve men acting out their belief for their god that brought down those illustrious towers that Tuesday. Both stories reek of missing chapters, characters, and important plot points. It is reminiscent of a book that is half written and will never be finished.

With the freedom offered by the World Wide Web, anyone with a credit card and bit of imagination can put up what seems to be a credible website chocked full of speculations and half truths to deceive, whether on purpose or not, the information-hungry masses. It is a case of people emulating the government almost to the point of discrediting any story, true or not, about what may have happened that day. Any person with half a head of common sense doesn’t believe a word of the stinking pile of excrement from either side of the line.

So then, where does that leave us? Well, it leaves us five years down the road, which is exactly where we should be. Moving on with our lives like so many others have done before us in the face of such a tragedy. There is a point when the truth gets buried amongst rhetoric and false ideals of patriotism, both from inside and outside this great nation, so much so that the true story is lost forever. Normally, such a thing would take years to come about, but in this new society of fast food and even faster women, situations such as this tend to take a lot less time to make it to the point of no return.

Trust there are men and women out there, the ones truly responsible for this atrocity, living nice and happy lives with no consequences or repercussions reaped from their actions. Oh, but karma, she is a mean mistress, and can be more than a bitch if provoked properly. She does her job regardless of what has been made public, and she will be on about her warpath all too soon. Be not so quick to mourn for those who fall seemingly out of nowhere in the next few years, for it could be the swift hand of justice taking her revenge and serving it up cold. Thousands of souls are still wandering this Earth looking for closure, and that can not be a good thing for those involved that may have escaped.

The happy endings to this story might yet take place, where the villains get their just desserts; however, they are tales that may never be told. Somewhere deep in the backs of our minds, we know this will happen. We can only hope that it takes place before those wicked unnamed jackals have an opportunity to do it again.

It all boils down to this; there is a time for outrage and a time to move on. Our time for outrage passed a few years ago and we re-elected the very same bastards who no doubt had some kind of a hand in the events of that dark Tuesday. We watched it go by and said nothing. Now, the time has come to move on. Let’s do that.

Shoutwire

Ten Simple Rules For Internet Survival

2006-10-10T18:01:00.000-07:00

1. Spelling. I know, not everyone can be grammatically correct at all times, and that is cool; however, spell check was created for a reason. That reason is so the rest of us can understand what the hell it is you are rambling on about. All you have to do is take five seconds out of your time, open up a word document, copy and paste, and look for red lines. Amazing what computers can do nowadays, isn’t it?

2. If anyone sends you an email telling you they are a prince of some obscure country in Africa, they are lying. Princes do not send emails to random folks offering them millions of dollars. It just does not happen. Not even in happy fun candy land.

3. Girls do not randomly ask people in chat rooms to view their webcams. Do not think you are special. Those are what we refer to as “bots”. All you are going to get for your credit card number is a film of some whore touching her boobs that has been looped over. You are better off spending your money on a real prostitute. At least then you aren’t just whacking off. Don’t be ashamed, our forefathers did it regularly.

4. Random trolling and flaming does not make you look cool. It makes you look like an attention seeking fucktard, and rightly so. Do us all a favor, if your mom didn’t cuddle you enough when you were a baby, go see a fucking psychiatrist and stay away from the internet.

5. All caps. Please stop. For the love of fucking god, please stop. It makes you look like a childish, overbearing, son-of-a-bitch who everyone wants to kill.

6. Email flame wars are pointless. No one ever wins and no one ever changes their minds. If you are a thirteen year old Christian girl who reads an anti religion article, please do not email the author to “chat”. It is a good bet that he hates people like you and would rather stick hot pokers up his arse than listen to your uneducated banter on how if he does not change his ways, he will go to hell.

7. People who leave social websites and make a drama out of it. Frankly, none of us gives a fuck if your feelings were hurt. The internet is not a place for soccer moms to get together and play nice with each other. You can fuck off with that shit right now. This is a free for all and if you can’t take an insult with a grain of salt, you probably belong elsewhere.

8. Talking like a 12 year old hoodlum makes you look foolish. It is ok to use slang at times, but let’s not try to sound like Easy fucking E in every post we make. Sure, not all of us are from the suburbs, but we all did take Basic English in high school. They made us do that for a reason. It does not make you seem cool nor will it make us fear you. Most likely, we will all just end up having a good laugh at your expense.

9. Google is your friend. Ask a stupid question and you will get a stupid answer. It takes two fucking seconds to Google something and come up with the right answer. If you are that lazy that you can’t move the mouse a few inches and type in a search query, it occurs to me that you do not deserve to know anything. You have a wealth of information at your fingertips, use it for Christ sakes.

10. You should never have to pay for any program, movie, or song. Ever. If you are complaining about a piece of software you paid way too much for, save it for your Friday night group therapy session. You should have just pirated it like the rest of us. Fools.

Shouwire

Happy Memorial Day ShoutWire

2006-10-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

Today, in America, we pay tribute to our soldiers. No doubt the rest of the world will use this time to protest and generally be ungrateful for everything we have done for them. American flags will be burned, Uncle Sam will be blasphemized, and the memories of legions of good men who died for the safety of those in other countries will be trampled completely.

Here in the states, we will have BBQ’s, family outings, and the day off work. Half of our own country has little to no idea what the meaning behind all the celebrations going on today truly is. For millions of kids, it is just a reason to get out of school. Millions of adults are using it as just another excuse to get drunk on a Monday.

This is just a short article to urge all you fucks, hippies and conservatives, to put down your beers and martinis for a second and remember why we are not working today. Give just one silent minute to the soldiers who gave their lives in service of our great nation. Every man who served from the revolutionary war to the latest debacle in Iraq deserves this one minute of your time. If you are an American, you owe it to them. Also, if you are European, you owe them the very same thing. Remember, some of these guys died protecting your countries.

Anyways, happy Memorial Day ShoutWire. I’m off to get drunk.

Oh yeah, preemptive warning to all you terrorist fucks who always like to bash America. You will receive a week long ban for pulling your crap here. If you have something negative to say, this isn’t the place.

Shoutwire

Weekly Marijuana Crop Report, May 28th

2006-10-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

Welcome back, fellow stoners, to the weekly marijuana crop report. As always, many thanks go out to the anonymous stoners all over the world for all the emails and well wishes. It is solely because of you that this report even exists.

I would like to start this report out by paying tribute to the great Bradley Nowelle of Sublime, who died ten years ago last Thursday. He was a great musician with a bright future until it was so prematurely snuffed out by the evil drug known as heroin. Brad, while you read this report from the great stoner van in the sky, just know that we will never forget you. Now, on with the report.

A shit-ton of emails came in from Canada in the past few weeks. It is widely rumored that the guys up in BC have the best chronic in all of the land, and after testing a bit of it the other day, I am not one to argue. The average goes for 150$ an ounce while the legendary stuff goes for between 180 and 200 for the same. 25$ will get you an 1/8 and for 15 more you can pick up a nice quarter of some of their shwagg, which to the rest of us is really good bud. More on the other regions of the great white north in future reports.

From there, we move on to a single email received from China, where the penalty for marijuana is death. This is somewhat ironic, since the first documented people to smoke and prescribe marijuana for ailments were the Chinese. One brave soul who shall forever remain nameless reported that a sack of buds is near impossible to get due to the death squads. However, there are places that it grows wild. The trick is to get there before the old Chinese men and other misplaced foreigners loot it all for themselves. I am told that is not an easy task. Steering clear of the red mainland is a good idea for stoners everywhere.

Now we go out of the darkness and into the light so to speak, with a report from the Mecca of marijuana smokers, Kingston, Jamaica. Sources in the heartland of weed smoke report 16$ oz’s of what is known as normal weed in those parts, and 25$ for the really good stuff. Those prices are all US dollars. What a great tourist destination.

Moving on in our travels, we head to the great city of New York. I have it on good authority that there are three types of buds going around the metro area right now; Middies, Beasters, and Headies. The Middies, or shwagg to the rest of us, are going for $20 an 1/8 and 100 an oz. Beasters, which would be mid grade quality or better, is nearly double those prices at 40 an 1/8 and 220-240 an oz. The Headies, which is the top quality stuff, is going for around 10$ a gram in some places, and around 320-350 an ounce on average.

Scottsbluff Nebraska is the exact polar opposite of NYC, but the smokers there have still let themselves be known. The customary price for an 1/8 of kind holds true in our nations heartland at 50$ per 3.5, with shwagg going for between 30-35$ a quarter ounce if it is really good. It has been said that they also see some of the outdoor variety (not nearly as good as hydro but better than swhagg) going for 40$ an 1/8.

Sweden is the last destination in our travels this week. On the west coast of that beautiful country the herbs are going for a decent 68 US dollars an 1/8. I say that is decent considering the prices do not change for the quality, and they tend to get a lot of Amsterdam import in that region. That is 500 SEK for you European folks. Long live neutrality.

That is it for this week. Trust that we have much more of the world left to visit and this report will go on as long as needed to make sure everyone is represented. Emails are always appreciated and totally confidential to xxoozero@shoutwire.com. Until next week, smoke em if you got em.

Shouwire

Is It Still Possible To Find Pirates Treasure?

2006-10-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

Often in these times of corporations and modern warfare, we forget that some places in this world are still virtually untouched by our evil developmental hands. It has become hard to believe that there are still mysteries in this world. If you would have told me three years ago that a large stash of pirates gold still existed unfound I might have scoffed. That is, until I came across the tale of the Coco’s Island

This story is concerning 10 square miles of rain forest 500 clicks due west of Costa Rica. “Jurassic Park” and possibly “Treasure Island” were written with this tropical paradise in mind, while Jacque Cousteau called it “The most beautiful Island in the world.” The tip of a volcano, the island is surrounded by unfriendly cliffs protruding over the rocky shorelines. It is said to have two seasons, the wet season and the rainy season. The jungle surrounding Mt. Iglesias, the islands highest peak, is said to be scattered with waterfalls like something out of a movie. It is to date the largest uninhabited island in the world.

But the real story lies in the legends surrounding the tiny mass of land. It wasn’t always totally uninhabited.

The story begins in 1596, when a Spanish pilot by the name of Cabecas discovered the place. 16 years later, the French put it on a map and labeled it as lle de Coques, meaning roughly “Shell Island.” The Spanish misinterpreted that name and soon began to call it Isle Del Cocos, which proved to be fitting as early accounts of the island state that there was a large concentration of coconut trees present.

For the next century, the island became popular amongst the merry old jacking crews of back in the day. Yes, it is the fabled and legendary pirates I speak of. It was said that they had made the place into a sort of a bank, where they came to deposit their riches and would return later to retrieve them.

The trouble with being a pirate back in those days was that you did not always make it back to snag the booty. With all the pesky diseases and unsanitary conditions going around, plus the fact that someone was always looking to hang you, it tended to get a little hectic for those guys some days.

1820 was said to be the height of the treasure hiding. A couple of years before that, a British Naval Captain Bennet Graham took up a life of piracy and amassed a fortune of over 350 tons of gold from Spanish ships. He was eventually caught and executed. Years later, an old woman claimed to have witnessed the pirate bury his gold and also to know the location. She led an expedition to the island, however, by the time she had got there, decades had passed and it is said many of the landmarks she had once known were gone.

Another interesting story involves a pirate by the name of Benito “Bloody Sword” Benito. There could not be a more awesome name for a pirate anywhere, and around the same time as old Captain Graham was out robbing the Spanish blind, Mr. Bloody Sword was terrorizing everyone on the west coast of the Americas. He was said to have been one of the swash bucklers who used Cocos as his pirate bank. He was eventually snitched out by two right foul Englishmen and cut down at his hideout. However, the tattlers were killed before they could make it back to the island to retrieve the gold. To this day it is still not clear what happened to Benito’s stash of gold.

This brings us to the most famous of all the legends, and also the most sensational. During the same time there was a revolutionary army headed towards the Spanish stronghold of Lima. The Spanish, wanting to protect their treasures, put everything on a boat and gave it orders to sail around until the war had calmed down. The treasure was estimated at between 12 and 60 million dollars and included a life size, gem encrusted, and solid gold image of Mary the virgin.

A British sea captain named William Thompson was the man they entrusted with the task of keeping the loot safe. However, Thompson and his men had different ideas and cut the throats of the Spaniards on board and dumped their bodies into the ocean. They immediately made a beeline for the Cocos Island where they are said to have hidden the treasure. Not long after they left, the crew was picked up by a Spanish vessel, tried for piracy, convicted and hung. All except for Thompson and his first mate, providing they lead the Spanish back to their gold.

As soon as they stepped foot on the tropical island, the two made tracks into the jungle. There is no record of the Spanish treasure ever being recovered. It is said that the first mate died on the mainland of yellow fever; however, Mr. Thompson was never seen nor heard from again. There is no indication anywhere he ever returned to the island and retrieved the treasure.

Since the pirates disappeared, over 300 expeditions have traveled to the island in search of treasure. Nothing has been reported found except a few Spanish pieces-of-eight.

It is now one of the top scuba diving destinations in the world due to the huge number of hammerhead sharks that congregates off its coasts. If you are thinking about finding treasure there now you better break out your pirate flag because Costa Rica is no longer issuing permits to hunt for treasure on the island.

When you think about it, however, who better to find the loot than those flying the very same Jolly Roger as the men who put it there in the first place?

Shoutwire

Weekly Marijuana Crop Report, May 20th

2006-10-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

First off I would like to thank the hordes of anonymous stoners from all over the world that made the continuation of this report possible. I would also like to welcome the readers of goldenseed.co.uk to the growing list of sites this column is now reaching. To the rest of you, welcome back. Here’s hoping last week was a stony one. Now, without further crap from the writer, on with the report.

We will start with Australia. A quick stoner fact about the land down under; they refer to bowls as “cones”. Armed with that knowledge, in Western Australia you should be able to pick up an ounce for 250$-300$ depending on the quality. You can pick up a 1/16, which the natives call a “stick” for around 20$-25$. Out on the east coast the prices are a tad bit higher whereas they are paying $300 and up for an ounce, while the prices in the South Australian grow capital of Adelaide have been reported as being 25$ for a 2.5 gram sack and 200$ per ounce with no real change for different qualities. However, I am told that the bud is usually “pretty kind.”

In keeping with the international theme, we move on to our brothers in the UK. Down in the south west of the great city of London I’m hearing the prices are holding pretty steady at 20 pounds for an 1/8. Droughts are rare but a stoner close to the action says it can be tougher to find weights over an ounce. Down around Waymouth, sources tell me it is 25 pounds for the crappy stuff and 35 for something more decent. I am told that buying in any kind of weight down that way is pointless because of the quality of the stuff that is going around. However, for those who are buying in bulk right under the queens nose, your looking at paying anywhere from 120-150 pounds per ounce.

Down the road in Dublin things are a tad bit different. They smoke mostly hash, as the grass over there is expensive. The homegrown herb is going for 250 to 300 per ounce, while the Amsterdam import will cost you upwards of 350 per ounce. Compare that to the hash prices; “Rocky”, which is the most commonly smoked, is going for 80 to 120 an ounce, while Pollum and Leb, the good shit, can be found at 150-180 per ounce. I always liked the hash better myself anyways.

Heading back to the states, I have it on good authority that Philly is going through somewhat of a drought as of late due to the fact that a lot of product has been stopped at the border. BC is scarce due to the new technology the feds are using. Also, with the Canadian dollar nearly the same as the US dollar, I have heard rumors of guys getting “price fucked” on their weight. However, despite that, I hear the headies coming in from Cali are still holding down the real smokers. While it is still possible, however improbable, to get BC’s at $220-$250 a zone, the Shwagg is going for $40-$50 an ounce, all depending on who you know.

I also promised that I would give a shout out to my boys back in my home region of Southern Cali. My peeps tell me really good shit is going for 40$ an 1/8. However, if you know Southern California like I do, you know there is always some killer, killer shit going around somewhere. I’m told that stuff is going for 60$ an 1/8 and is not to be messed with. Shwagg prices are probably the lowest in the country, with ounces being passed down for a mere 40$. Let’s be real though, anyone buying shwagg in SoCal with all the kills going around should have their head examined.

A lot of info rolled in from Arizona this week as well. The desert stoners are paying around 60 an 1/8 for hydro, though I am told that better stuff can be found farther north in Vegas. I did hear a bit about some really bomb shit going around the valley of the sun for 50$ an 1/8. In the lower categories, a quarter of shwagg is going for $20 up north and 15$ down south, with 30$ halfs. As always, the closer you get to Mexico, the better the prices will be.

We end this week’s article with a very promising report out of Ecuador, where you can still get a pound for 30$. While my source down there is not so sure of the quality, at those prices who really cares? For Christ sakes, you could build a house of weed and smoke yourself silly for the rest of your life on only a few thousand extra bucks. We can always dream.

That’s it for this week, if you didn’t see your region listed, stay tuned, it’s a big world, and there is a lot more of it to cover. Trust that I will not rest until I see every region represented. As always, all emails are appreciated to xxoozero@shoutwire.com and as always, all are completely confidential.

Shoutwire

The Weekly Marijuana Crop Report

2006-10-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

Marijuana. It is the breakfast of champions - the herb of the gods - the hot filling in the apple pie we like to call the American dream. Without it, children everywhere would starve, babies would cry, the skies would turn black, and the rivers would flow with the blood of the innocent.

While none of that is remotely true, it is a good way to pass the time when you are bored, and for some it becomes an actively pursued hobby. The economics of marijuana can be as intricate as Wall Street on its worst day. The varying ranges of quality and pricing in the marijuana business are unheard of in any other market. You can get one bag of decent shwagg in one city for 50$ and go to another an hour away and the same stuff is barely worth 25$.

So that is why I bring you this new weekly column, The Crop Report. I know, it doesn’t make any sense, but we are talking about weed here, not laws of physics. As many of you know, hard science doesn’t apply when you are stoned. It is like applesauce. For your own good, I won’t explain that metaphor any further. Enjoy.

Prices in Denver are standing strong at 25$ a half/ 50$ an ounce for shwagg and 50 an eighth for kind. The shwagg is of varying degrees of strength, but all pretty decent. If bad stuff is floating around, it is scarce. The kind is mainly the same fluffy nuggets from Boulder. One or two hits are all you need.

Up in Eastern Canada, the prices are average to decent. My sources tell me they are paying roughly $200 for a good bag of stinky hydro and $600 for a QP of the same. For mediocre stuff, you will get a quarter for about $40 (Canadian currency).

My guy down in Southern Florida is picking up his ounces for 50$. However, he says as the weight rises, the prices get to be dirt cheap. The shwagg is decent and bright green with “not an assload of seeds.” The good stuff out on the treasure cost is going for between 50 and 60 an 1/8th and 180-210 a half.

The kids in out in Mass. aren’t doing quite as good. My info for that region is low, but from what I hear, you can get a nice 1/8th of dro for 45$ and up.

Chi-town is still on the expensive end, charging 60 an 1/8 for decent shwagg and 180 a half for the same stuff. If you want to go big and get an O, you’re looking at shelling out 300 clams.

As for the rest of the nation and world, that is for the future. If you want to see your area listed on this weekly report, send me an email at xxoozero@shoutwire.com. All information is held in the strictest confidence and emails will be deleted as soon as they are received.

Until next week then, same bud time, same bud channel.

Shoutwire

The Weekly Sports Report

2006-10-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

Hello, fellow sporting fans, ShoutWires most hated here with a new column entitled, “The Weekly Sports Report”. In these tirades, I will be taking a weekly objective look into the world of competitive contests and hopefully catering to a whole new type of reader. Here, there will be no politics, no religion, no Anti American Sentiment. These pieces will not be written for shouts or popularity. Most of the people here don’t even like sports, but for those who do, these columns will be written for you.

Enough with the intros, let’s get down to business. It was a tough week for Barry Bonds as he continued unsuccessfully in his journey to beat the ghost of Babe Ruth. It seems he just can’t pull that 714th homer out of his arse no matter how many steroids he pumps into it. It is all a lot of chatter about nothing however, as no doubt by next week the Bondsman will have destroyed yet another record and be aiming at Aaron.

Big, bad, Barry was not the only one to have a rough week. The world champion Spurs were beaten soundly by a single point at the hands of their cross state rivals, the Dallas Mavericks. The last second heroics of limping center Dirk Nowitzki gave the D-Maks a 2-1 lead over the Spurs in the western conference semi finals. The Suns of Phoenix hold the Clippers in a similar 2-1 predicament on the other side of the west. Colorado hometown kid Chauncey Billups and his Detroit Pistons hold a 2-1 edge over LaBron and his Cavaliers of Cleveland in the east, while on the other side of that great conference the Heat and Big Daddy Shaq hold the same advantage over the New Jersey Nets.

In NHL post season news, the dreaded Ducks stole the series from my beloved Avalanche 4-0, while the Sabres took out Ottawa 4-1. Carolina leads the other Jersey team involved in the playoffs, the aptly named Devils, with an almost too commanding 3-1 lead, while the Oilers and the Sharks slug it out with their series tied 2-2.

In football news, a kickoff between Liverpool and West Ham in the Cup final proved to be quite dramatic. Steven Girard scored a last minute goal to send the game into extra time when Liverpool goalkeeper Jose Reina saved three of the last four penalty kicks fired his way in the extra minute shootout. Girard gave the English a scare as he went down towards the end of normal time with a cramp; however, after the game he assured his country that he would be more than ready for the finals.

Fight fans had a good weekend if they happened to catch the Hatton/Collazo title brawl. In a stunning 12 round decision, Ricky “The Hitman” Hatton successfully won the welterweight WBC title against the defending champ Collazo. The Manchester native is now on track to get his chance to live up to his hype against real boxers like De La Hoya and Mayweather. Soon, he may be known less as the Hitman and more as the man who got hit.

That’s all for now, folks. Tune in next week for more unbiased coverage of your favorite sports.

Shoutwire

Can America Be Fixed?

2006-10-10T17:45:00.000-07:00

Without mercy we have spilled the blood of our heroes upon our purple mountains majesty and amber waves of grain. The spirits of the great men who once gave life, love, and family for the ideal of freedom no longer roam this wasteland of hypocrisy they once called home. In the process of our lethargic behavior towards our leaders and their everlasting quest for world domination and all other things foul, we have disrespected and destroyed the hard work and commitment displayed by our forefathers so many years ago.

Nothing short of revolution could redeem our souls at this point. How can we call ourselves Americans and live under tyranny? Do we no longer love freedom enough to fight for it? Submission comes all too easy for those who lose their will too fight, remember that the next time a politician lies on television or a soldier dies in Iraq. The more it happens, the less we say about it, until all of a sudden our voice dies out all together. When that happens, everything else dies too.

Our great eagle is wounded, folks, stuck in the heart with an oil soaked spear. The vultures have smelt blood and begun to circle. This nation has reached a critical point in its young life. It is time to prove our worth. We are either about to see our darkest days or our finest hour. The burden to choose which path we take lies upon the people.

Action is needed, but it is sure that violence won’t work. We are not as stupid as the rest of the world thinks we are. We may be crude, ungraceful, and a tad overbearing, but we are not stupid. However self important it may sound, we are the ham in the sandwich of our society. Without us, this world is nothing but bread and mayo. Maybe some lettuce.

As much as no one would like to admit it, the fate of the world lies in our hands. If you do not believe that, just imagine what would happen if we gave Mr. Bush free reign to attack whoever he wants. It would be a bloodbath of epic proportions. No one would be safe, not even the white nations.

The real question is what do we do now? How do we pull ourselves out of this hole that has been dug? How can we win this most important battle that may never even be fought?

Don’t ask me, I’m just a writer for a small website. It is not my job to have the answers; it is my job to have the questions. The burden of answering them falls upon the readers.

So, let’s have it, great commenters of ShoutWire. Not just the Americans, but all the people of the world. Let’s hear ideas to fix things. Is it possible that a discussion on a social bookmark website could accomplish what congress can not?

Stranger things have gone down.

Shoutwire

A Few Questions…

2006-10-10T17:43:00.000-07:00

Some of the best, most provocative questions in this world are the ones we never ask. They are the ones that never get asked. No one has to answer these questions because no one has the balls to ask them. When one does step forward with the proper fortitude, they are silenced with tirades of insults and threats. Well, I am use to all that, so I got a few questions to ask. Even if they will never be answered, they need to be put out there, if for no other reason than to raise the discussion.

The first question is for Mr. George Bush, president of the United States of America. In fifteen words or less, tell us the truth about why we invaded Iraq. We already know that there were no WMD’s and from the way it looks now, the Iraqi people did not really want us to ‘liberate’ them. The truth will set you free. Or in this case, probably get you criminal charges.

The second question is for Islam. You claim to be a peaceful religion, yet innocent people all around the world are being killed in your name. Your actions are not backing up your claims. If you want people to respect you, here is an idea, stop strapping bombs to yourselves and running into crowded places.

Now, we come to the Mexican immigrants. Why do you mock a culture that you so desperately want to be a part of? Sorry, but waving those Mexican flags up and down our streets is not helping your image. Frankly, it just tells me you want to be put on a bus and sent back to the country you are so proud of, not be a part of the great United States. Be careful of the image you portray, because someday your works may come back to bite you in your ass in the worst way imaginable..

Then, we have the oil companies. Why does the gas price raise every other day when the price you pay per barrel is not rising in contrast? Is it because you seen an opening with the war in Iraq to screw the people of the world from behind and just couldn’t resist the temptation? Or maybe you just can’t relate to the average Joe who has to spend half of his weekly paycheck just to get back and forth from work because you all live in your nice, big houses and enjoy burning up all of our remaining fossil fuels with your oversized SUV’s and just can’t see what is really going down.

Here is one for the rest of the world. Why do you hate the American people so much? You know damn well we do not agree with what our government is doing, yet you still generalize us all into the same category as our president. You claim to have better morals than us then proceed to attack anytime you see more of you hanging around than us. We can not answer for what our government has done because, surprise, we have no control over it.

The last question goes out to all you PC people and religious zealots out there. What makes you think you’re so much better than any of the rest of us that you can tell us how we should think and talk? We don’t need you to save us or tell us who not to offend. You are making the world boring and too god damn placid. Stop.

These are questions that will never be answered. Why? Frankly, it is because the groups in question will never own up to the truth. They will never tell the good people of this earth their real agenda because if they did, they would be exposed for the idiots they are. In a way, it would also be exposing the rest of us for being lethargic enough to let them get away with such things.

It would show our species in a light that would be much too true for most. Honest people who have been duped into believing some of this crap would have to change their whole outlook on life. Some of us need these lies to justify our opinions.

That is really too bad for those of us who enjoy the truth. That was eaten long ago by that group of sharks I am always talking about.

Oh yes, the sharks are out there. They are not a myth. The myth is that they are fiction. It is a good thing people like me don’t believe in myths.

Shoutwire

Moussaoui To America “You Lost”

2006-10-10T17:40:00.000-07:00

"America, you lost. … I won." Those were the last words from 37-year-old Frenchman Zacarias Moussaoui as he was led from a Virginia courtroom Wednesday after being spared death and receiving a life sentence for his part in the 9-11 attacks. Was this a legitimate declaration of victory or simply the last delusional rant of a sad and broken man?

Let us look at the facts. Check the scorecard, so to speak. Three thousand Americans were killed that dark Tuesday in 2001. Since then, according to the good folks over at Iraqibodycount.net, somewhere between thirty four and thirty eight thousand people have been killed in Iraq alone. Regardless of how anti-pc it may sound, the numbers do favor the west for the claim of victory on that front.

The fact that he got off with a life sentence instead of death does not speak too much for his side either. Death would be a lot easier than the life he will face in prison, you can be sure of that. He will be sent to the maximum security prison located near Florence in my home state of Colorado. Legally, I can offer no money to the inmate who rapes him in the shower room. That is a shame.

To be fair, a jury of 12 Americans found that his role in the attacks was so small that he didn’t deserve the death penalty. It is said that none of the jurors considered his mental illness defense or the notion that being executed would ultimately give him the means to achieve the radical Islamic ideal of martyrdom when making their decision.

The reactions to the verdict amongst the families of the victims were mixed.

Margaret Pothier of Brookline, whose brother-in-law, Garnet Bailey, was killed on one of the planes that crashed into the WTC, was quoted by the AP as saying “"It's a travesty. It's dangerous for him to be alive in prison, there's always the possibility of an escape. There's always the possibility he could take hostages to secure his release."

In contrast, Tina Fisher of Weymouth, whose brother, John R. Fisher died in the World Trade Center's South Tower, was quoted by the same organization as stating “Today proves what America is all about, that we are a just society that is intent on making sure this never happens again."

This morning this will all be over. Mr. Moussaoui will be formally sentenced to life without the possibility of parole and the trial will be done. His spotlight will be taken away from him and he will eventually fade into nothing more than an obscure historical fact. The world will move on while he rots away in some cold cell for 23 hours a day. He will never have sex with another woman again.

Mr. Moussaoui, you lost. America won. Enjoy life without sunlight.

Shoutwire

Was It Really Plagiarism?

2006-10-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

It all begins simply enough. A girl writes a story. She shows that story to a few other people who think it is good and give her a book deal. The story is so good, in fact, that it also gets a movie deal. The future looks bright for this girl. Then, just as quickly as it came, it all falls apart.

This is exactly what happened to young Miss Kaavya Viswanathan, a 19 year old Harvard student from New Jersey. The book, 'How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life', which she wrote when she was 17, came out in March and quickly gained the widespread attention of the literary world.

Then came the allegations of plagiarism. To be fair, no one is saying that her story isn’t original, the problem lies in a few of her passages that seem to be “borrowed” from other authors. The New York Times got in on the act and published some of the passages in question after saying it was alerted by one of its many readers. After that, the dogs smelt blood and a flood of negative articles hit the internet and news stands all over the world.

Her defense was it was unintentional. She had previously read the works of these other authors and the words stuck with her. When she was writing her own story, she claimed she had subliminally used a few descriptions she had read before without knowing it.

As much of an excuse as it is, it still holds some legitimacy. A great writer once said “About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. “ While personally I think that is a load of bullshit, I do think it possibly holds some type of philosophical merit.

Either way, this girl is just a scapegoat. At the very most she is guilty of lazy writing. She wrote an original (if chick-lit can be called original) story from her own mind. Her first mistake was being young and her second was becoming popular too quickly. She was hanging by a thin rope over a pool of sharks with people shooting darts at her. Only those writers with a strong rope should attempt such a thing. Hers had holes in it from the beginning.

Who knows, maybe she deserved it. God help us if we ever actually encouraged any young people in this country to do anything productive with their lives.

Shoutwire

The Spanish Anthem

2006-10-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

The National Anthem. Without it, baseball games could never begin and Jimmy Hendrix would have never been great. While it is true that both of those things probably would happen without it, it is still a tune that most Americans hold very dear to their hearts. Yesterday, millions of people all over this nation sang that song. Sure, that happens every 4th of July, but this time there was a twist. This time, it wasn’t sung in English.

I can’t really see why so many American people are getting angry over this. We don’t exactly have the greatest image in the eyes of the rest of the world, one would think it would be quite refreshing to hear foreign people sing the praises of our great country in their native language.

But it isn’t that simple. The statement that was made was not quite clear. Were they mocking us, or was it nobler? On one hand, they could have been saying “Screw you and your stupid anthem, I’ll sing it in Spanish to piss you off.”, while on the other hand it could have meant “We want to be Americans and will adopt your anthem to prove it.”

The American people are not unjustified in being somewhat angry over this. Think of how the English would have felt if we had taken one of their songs during the revolution and used it for our own cause. We started out as a nation of beat biters; it should not surprise us that someone has finally returned the favor.

But that is a bad analogy. A better one would involve the Germans singing whatever song it is the French sing under the Eiffel tower. Or possibly Americans parading through Baghdad blasting whatever song they hold sacred over loudspeakers in English with guitar riffs in the background. Of course we are going to get angry.

In the end, it was just a bad statement to make, no matter what the meaning behind it was. It did, however, give me an idea on how to solve this whole little immigration mess.

It involves a gaggle of buses and a few dedicated volunteers. What we do is we show up at one of these rallies where they are singing the anthem in Spanish. We scan the crowd for the people who are just lip-synching without really knowing the words and single them out from the crowd. These people will automatically become American citizens. They are the ones who have grasped the true spirit of the song. They have already figured out that crucial part of being American. Why do you think none of us ever sing along at baseball games?

We then hire these people. We pay them a free citizenship and 20$ a head to pick the illegal aliens out of the crowd and put them in the buses. Then, we feed them lunch and ship them all off to an airport, where we put them on a plane and send them to France.

Screw the French.

I’ll bet no one seen that coming.

Shoutwire

The Ridiculous Price Of Fuel

2006-10-10T17:17:00.000-07:00

There was a time in this great country that when a man said he had five dollars on the gas, it meant something. It meant you could get somewhere. It made it worthwhile for you to give that man a ride. You would have enough gas to take him where he needed to go and back home and still have some left.

Those days are over, long killed by greedy oil executives who somehow justify raising gas prices every few months even though they are enjoying larger profit margins than ever before. Five dollars now brings you just enough fuel to make it to the next gas station before your engine sputters to a stop sounding that terrible “last gasp for air” noise that we all know so well.

The last time such a thing happened to us, Nixon was our president. Go figure. We were paying a little over a dollar a gallon when Clinton was president. One would assume that having a Texas oil man in office accompanied by the fact we no longer have to haggle with the Iraqi government over oil purchases would bring the price at the pump down. Hell, everything about our current situation says that we should have cheaper gas.

Somehow, though, it has had the opposite effect. Something like this could only happen in America, the home of 2 dollar bottled waters and vending machines with the credit card option. In a country where football is a sport played with your hands and getting the most votes isn’t enough to get you into political office, it almost makes sense in some strange, twisted way.

This is not a good thing. Complacency is near death. With no alternative fuel readily available, the corporations have got us by our balls on this one. It is now merely a choice of which local gas station you would like to be sodomized by today. To make things worse, we must blindly put our trust in the infernal machines that distribute this liquid gold to not skim a few quarters off the top. It is the only business where you can never be sure if you actually got the entire amount of the product you paid for.

It is a wicked game and the other side is holding all the cards this time. We might as well be strapped spread eagle and naked to a sawhorse with the leather-clad gimp giggling madly in the corner at our most foul predicament. However, like the movie I referenced, there is a proverbial Bruce Willis coming in with a samurai sword to save us all at the last minute.

The oil can’t last forever. The last legacy left by the great lizards who once roamed our land is nearly gone. Fossil fuels will be replaced by other options all too soon. Maybe the oil company’s know something we don’t and are trying to squeeze every last bit of money they can out of the public before the wells run dry and they are forced into an honest line of work?

Then again, maybe they don’t. Maybe they are simply greedy bastards.

Shoutwire

Xxoozero Explained

2006-10-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

In light of recent events, I think it may be about time for me to explain myself; who I am, where I am from, and why I say the things that I do. Up to this point, I have offended a lot of people. I wish you could all see the smirk on my face as I wrote that sentence.

First, let’s start with who I am. It is widely believed that I am Caucasian. This, however, would be somewhat of a misconception. By classification I am Hispanic, but in truth I am mixed with several different types of blood. Yes, Caucasian is one of them. Let’s just say if you seen me in the street, your first guess would be that I was Mexican. Then, I would steal your car stereo and remove all doubts.

I am also an American. I grew up on Chuck Norris movies and G.I. Joe figures. I like seeing things blow up and drinking a lot of cheap beer. As with any true patriot in this country nowadays, I also hate Bush. But I do like pirates. Strange.

I was born in the late seventies, grew up in California in the eighties, did a lot of drugs in the nineties, and now stand at nearly thirty years of age halfway through this new decade and I am still pretty much lost. I have one child from a previous marriage that ended by totally fucking my outlook on relationships and currently live in an apartment in Denver with two roommates. I have been a furniture mover for the past ten years. I usually work three days a week and do my thing here in my free time.

Now let’s talk about why I say some of the things I do. First of all, let me just say it is not easy to gain the title of the most hated on ShoutWire. Frankly, it’s fucking hard to just get noticed. We got ten editors working plus the user submissions. There is a lot for people to see here to remember who one guy is.

Hell, I don’t believe half of what I write here. If I did, I would be a dirty Nazi bastard. However, sometimes one must play the catalyst. Be the Bad guy, so to speak. We had a discussion that I started on religion that went on to over a thousand comments. That is a good sized discussion amongst people all over the world on any given topic. The only way an article like that is going to generate such a reaction is if it is biased as all fuck. Half of the people that clicked on it did so because of the title.

If anyone ever disagrees with me they at least know they can tell me to fuck off. I have been called a lot of things and had just about every aspect of myself attacked, not without good reason of course, but none of it will ever bother me. I know that you are not talking about me, you are talking about a name on the internet and its ideas. That’s all any of us really are here, just names attached to ideas.

While it is true some of the things I write I write simply for a reaction, that’s not a bad thing. Some of the reactions are awesome. I have seen guys go to great lengths to disprove my theories and sometimes it makes for a damn good read. To be fair, everything I write I do believe on some superficial level, but my actual ideas are like ten times less radical.

There. Now you are all in on the joke. Stop trying to beat me up.

Shoutwire

Free Speech Or PC?

2006-10-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

It is late in the game and we, as a society, have finally reached the very edge of creative expression. Sensitivity has grown to enormous proportions; there is no doubt about that. Some groups will go to the greatest lengths imaginable in order to silence any critics. Freedom of speech is not important to these people, only the agendas they push make any kind of a difference in their twisted, one–sided minds.

We have come to the point where we must choose between freedom and feelings. Should something that offends some people but speaks what others are thinking be eradicated to save the few from being offended? In effect, wouldn’t an action such as this by any governing body be a declaration of loyalty to the offended side?

It could definitely be construed as such. If one man has the right to say something, another should have the right to say that what was said first was false. It is the basic right to protest. Every human should have that right, no matter whom you are or what point of view you represent.

Getting offended is the price we pay for freedom. If certain groups are going to be off limits we should make that exception for everyone. This is to say if I can make fun of Christians but not Muslims, then we might as well all cover our women and stop eating pork, because these things offend them as well. Maybe we should also forget that 9-11 ever happened and ban the use of the American flag everywhere, because these are also things that Islam is sensitive too as well.

See, this PC thing only works for certain groups. It is the ones who cry loud enough. Still, we can’t blame them completely. The blame also falls upon the ones in power who listen to them and censor accordingly. Seriously, what makes Mohammed any better than Jesus so we can’t make fun of each of them equally?

Why is it that black people can be open about their racism and whites can’t? Why is it that whites can not be openly racist against blacks, but can say whatever they want about the Mexican immigrants? Why is it that Muslims can burn our flags in their streets and run planes into our buildings but we can’t say the least little thing bad about them?

I’ll tell you why. Because people cry too much. The one-third of me that is Cherokee Indian would like to tell you “oppressed” peoples out there to fuck off and stop whining. You have no idea what real oppression is. The cold truth is most of what is said to make fun of a people is basically correct, that’s why it is so funny.

In conclusion, this world is never going to advance until people stop crying about being offended by something someone halfway across the world said. If anything, we as a people, and that means Muslims, Christians, blacks, whites, Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, and every other exclusive group in this world, should be offended by what isn’t being said.

Only when we delve into our problems from a serious and uncaring point of view without worrying about others feelings will we finally be able to move forward with some of them. Until then, we will hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no freedom.

Shoutwire

F*ck Religion 2 - The Mocking Of Christianity

2006-10-10T17:11:00.000-07:00

Supposedly, there is a man who lives in the clouds. No, good Star Wars fans, I am not talking about the great Lando Calrusian. Although, that story is almost more believable than the one I heard. This man is allegedly named “God” and apparently, he watches everything we do.

I am told this guy created everything in existence. Anything I do that is remarkable and shows the triumph of the human spirit should be attributed to him. I should also give money to his followers for him, even though it has never been proven that he actually exists.

From what they tell me he also has a kid. Some hard-ass named Jesus who pissed the people of the world off so bad that we had to get rid of him in the foulest way possible. Even though I have never seen nor heard from this guy, not so much as a phone call, there are people out there who will swear to the death that he loves me. I’m sure if I talked to him for a few minutes, I could cure him of that obsessive emotion without too much trouble.

There is also a rumor of some kind of end of the world stuff going on in the near future. This god character is suppose to take everyone he likes and bring them up to the clouds with him to watch the rest of the world suffer. This may sound a tad misogynistic to those of us who use the logic center of our brains, but for some it is the final reward for being nice to all of us bastards who they believe will burn for eternity.

This god guy also has a book. I read it but it was really hard to understand and frankly just boring. Too many metaphors were used and the storyline was screwed up to the point of one chapter contradicting another. Some chapters are nothing but useless names and dates. Apart from two sections, Proverbs and Psalms, it really offers no new knowledge whatsoever to its readers.

After careful consideration of all points in this story, I have come to the conclusion that it is erroneous. Erroneous on all counts. It almost sounds like it was put together by the crack head down the street to bamboozle me out of a 20 for his next rock.

I can, however, see how some people might buy it. Hell, we all thought the tooth fairy was real at one time. Some people just need something to believe in, and that is not a bad thing. We should all be allowed to believe what we want in the quiet and solitude of our own homes.

That is the key here. Solitude. Now, if we can only get these overly social religious people to understand that, the world would be a much better place.

Shoutwire

Corporate America: You Will Never Take The Internet!

2006-10-10T17:08:00.000-07:00

It seems as of late corporate America has been rearing its ugly head in places it does not belong in an attempt to control the final truly free entertainment medium we have left in our world. Everywhere from lobbying congress for more control to buying out whatever the website of the week is, these scumbags in dark suits will not stop until they control everything we see on our beloved World Wide Web.

You may not have noticed the news stories, and for good reason. Every time a freedom is taken from the citizens of the internet it gets downplayed almost to the point of invisibility. You don’t see CNN or Fox news reporting on any of this. Why not? Simple, because they are a part of the corporations, and the less we know as a people, the easier it will be to take control of us quickly and quietly.

Do not think it can’t happen. Tyrants take control of things everyday without much fanfare; just ask any citizen of the United States of America. Already we are bombarded by spyware and pop up ads nearly everywhere we go. They have been trying to force this upon us for years. Now that the numbers still don’t add up like they are suppose to, they want to create laws and take the power they want. This is the way they work, they have done it in every other facet of society and the internet, to them, is the biggest cash cow in the pasture.

What they do not know is it will never work. There are a million reasons out there why it will never work. I am one of them. You are another. We are joined by the 15 million + other users of Torrentspy and ShoutWire. Add to that everyone else in the world who has ever turned on a computer and had a reasonable expectation of privacy and we have the biggest army the world has ever seen. As any veteran of this great web knows, it doesn’t take much to incite the people, and when riled we can be more deadly than a whole truck full of hornets nests crashed on the interstate.

It doesn’t take much. Hell, we do battle with each other all the time, imagine if we all joined together behind one cause to fight one enemy. Make no mistake about it, these corporate avengers are the enemy of each and every one of us here. They may not tell us to our face but one can only imagine the types of things said about us in those ultra-modern, high-rise board rooms during those wicked profit margin meetings. Trust me, they are talking about us and they are planning an attack.

It will end up being a massacre. These swine have underestimated the power of the good people of the internet. They have no idea what they are getting into. It will be worse than Custer’s last stand. They are trying to march on our canyons when we hold the high ground and the sniper rifles. You don’t kick the fire without expecting to stir up some sparks.

I’m going to end this with a quote from the great Tyler Durden that rings true in this situation just as much as it did in Chuck Palahniuk’s great book. Corporate America take heed. “We cook your meals, we drive your ambulances. We connect your calls, we guard you while you sleep. Do not... fuck with us.”

On that note, cue the comments…

Shoutwire

Six Years Into The Millennium, Were F*cked

2006-10-10T16:57:00.000-07:00

It has been six long years since we first celebrated the wicked New Years Eve that began the coming of the new millennium. Six years, four months, and twenty one days to be exact. For one to say things have changed is a rather erroneous understatement.

America was a prosperous nation, for the most part at peace with the rest of the world. Sure, we had our problems, but in hindsight, those seem pretty petty to the adversities we now face. There was promise. Our future actually looked somewhat bright. It seemed as though, looking from a distance, that the world might actually turn out to be a better place after our first decade in double ought’s were up. What a viscous mirage that turned out to be.

It is six years later and all that hope is gone, flushed down the toilet along with the good image that America once enjoyed like an unwanted piece of bacon fat by the wild eyed Texan and his diversified cabinet of falsified do-gooders that we elected to look after our best interests. No longer will any of us in this lifetime awaken to a calm world at peace. It seems somewhat more likely now that one day we will wake up to a nuclear winter.

Long gone are the days of Bill Clinton and his hilarious sexual escapades. They have been replaced by trigger happy vice presidents and made up weapons of mass destruction. The dreaded “New Vietnam” in the deserts of the Middle East has arrived with all the splendor and destruction of a sandstorm filled with rose thorns and shot nails. It all happened almost too quietly to notice.

Not to be outdone, nature has reared her powerful head over and over again. From the tsunami in Asia, the seemingly constant stream of earthquakes, and the ever popular Katrina, we have been shown time and time again that no matter how technologically advanced we may think we are, we are all still nothing more than the mere playthings of this Earths great elements.

It is time to wake up, fellow planet dwellers. It is time to realize that America, indeed, the entire world, will never be the same again. The utopia that was within our grasp those few short years ago is gone forever, lost in another timeline somewhere deep in an alternate dimension that does not include guys like George Bush and Osama Bin Laden. It was almost close enough to wave goodbye as those towers fell that ominous day in September nearly five years ago.

For some reason, it just doesn’t seem right to blame ourselves. Sure, we may all have different political views, but we are not the ones who did this. It was all brought upon us by a small group of overly powerful fools. No matter which side of the conservative/liberal chalk line you may fall on, there is no denying the fact that we have somehow sailed up the proverbial shit creek. This time, instead of being without paddles, we gave them to someone else to guide us with. Now we are five minutes away from the waterfall and we can either watch the tree line complacently while we fall over the edge or we can throw the asshole with the oars out of the boat and row like hell away from the rocks.

Keep those metaphorical oars handy. One day soon we may have to brain the captain, and it will take all of us rowing at once to get ourselves out of this mess.

Shoutwire

Why I Am Getting High This 4/20

2006-10-10T16:56:00.000-07:00

It is that time of the year again, fellow lovers of the good herb. April 20th, the unofficial Christmas of pot smoking. In basements, parks, apartments, houses, caves, trailer homes, and every other conceivable form of environment, stoners everywhere will celebrate this joyous occasion with bongs, blunts, bowls, and joints. I can already feel the good vibes that can only be picked up on the stoner radar. They seem to be everywhere this year.

It is universally accepted that the origins of 4-20 go back to a San Diego high school in the late seventies. It all started with a small group of stoners who would meet up at 4:20 everyday to toke. From there, it grew in epic proportions to all parts of the world as the great stoner holiday we now know and love.

It is to smoking marijuana as drinking is to St. Patrick’s Day. It is the one time you can go overboard. Buy an ounce; smoke that shit. It is an unwritten rule that before the whole thing is over, not a stoner shall be left standing.

It is a special year here in Colorado. Denver just legalized last year, and the annual pot rally on the steps of the capital building is showing more promise than I have seen in previous years. Arguably, however, the best pot will be in Boulder rocking with the kids from CU. Either way, I will be one stoned writer as the day wears on.

No matter where you are, if you’re a smoker, you are likely to be stoned as well. The feeling of smoking is almost different on 4.20. It is more of a spirit. It is the only day out of the year when you can smoke by yourself and know you aren’t smoking alone.

Bring on the fire and toke your appreciation. If you can, smoke right now. All hail the first annual ShoutWire smokeout!

Shoutwire