Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Iran Doesn't Deserve Our Help

No doubt you have heard, in the past few days, of the struggle of the people of Iran in the name of freedom.  You have probably heard how brave they are for protesting against a stacked election.  You have probably heard of how much more awesome they are than Americans, who let Bush steal 2 elections without so much as a rock being thrown.

Let's take an objective look at Iran.  

Iran does NOT have free elections.  In order for one to be considered, he must be from a high class of Muslims.  This is due to article 115 of their constitution.  You can't be a woman, or a poor person, or a guy who believes in evolution.  In other words, voters get to choose between one guy who believes one thing and another guy who believes exactly the same thing.  

Iran has a supreme leader.

It doesn't matter who is president, because Ali Khamenei will always have supreme power over everything.  He is the supreme leader of Iran for the rest of his life.  He would have to approve of any changes proposed to take place.  God luck on that...

Article 209 of the Iranian Constitution.

A woman's life is only worth half as much as a mans.  If your daughter was killed, before any consequences can be suffered by the murderer, you would have to pay his family a certain amount of money to make up for the difference in your daughter's life and the man they lost.  Yes, the victims family has to pay the murderer's family.  

A woman can't leave the house without permission of the man.

The picture of the Iranian woman going around the internet touting her as a 'true feminist'?  Yeah, she had to get permission before she left the house that day.  

People still get stoned to death.

For adultery.  Mostly women.  Guys in Iran don't really get charged with adultery.  Even when they do, as crazy as it sounds, the stoning they get is less harsh than the women.  A man only gets buried up to his waist.  A woman gets buried up to her neck.  Even if they are pregnant.


It is not unheard of in Iran for a 12 year old to get married... and have a child by the age of 13.  
""I was married at the age of 12, and I had my first child when I was 13. My husband was unemployed and we fought all the time. We never applied for a divorce because I was afraid of losing my child. Finally one night, he poured a bucket of acid over my body and I was completely burned. When I rushed to the sink to flush my face and body. I realized that he had shut off the main water supply. I was taken to the hospital. My operation was held up pending advance money for the surgery, and permission from my husband to operate on my face. My mother sold all of her valuables and provided the money. My husband said he would only permit my operation if I consented to not seeing my children for the rest of my life. Finally, with hospital's pressure on the family court they allowed me to receive the operation on my face and body" 


In the eight years before the Islamic revolution, 100 political prisoners were executed.  In the four years after... 7900.  While it is true that in 1997 the government tried to tone it down a bit, they simply didn't.  Two years ago, the police went so far as to beat people for assembling to celebrate international women's day. 

The truth here is that Iran is still a backward place to live.  There is absolutely no reason we should be supporting them in their endeavor to replace one tyrant with another.  Mousavi, the guy Iranians are trying to get elected into office, was one of the original players in the Islamic revolution.  Yes, the one that killed 7900 political prisoners between 1981 and 1985.  

I'll admit I did advocate throwing some help their way in the form of ddos attacks on the government, but that was for lulz.  In all reality, we should be throwing nukes their way.




Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Miley Cirus Having A Conversation With A Penis

It seems Miley Cirus has been engaging some heated discussions with penises lately.  Yesterday, a pic was released to the internet, supposedly of the Disney star... well, yeah.  This link is not safe for work.

Along with the pics, you will see comparisons of other pictures of her.  Remember, she is not yet of legal age to make porn.  I had nothing to do with taking the pictures or hosting them.  I am only linking to them in a newsworthy capacity.  

No word yet on whether Disney has fired her dirty whore ass.  

Monday, June 15, 2009

DDoS Iran?

It seems the Iranaian Freedom Fighters on the internet are taking things to a 4chan level now.  A few minutes ago a script was released with the intention of taking down the Iranian government's websites.  

You too can join the fight.  If you have a server that runs PHP, the script you need to run can be found here.

What will this type of attack do?  Well, no one is quite sure.  Probably take the corrupt Iranian government off the internet.  It probably won't get the elections overturned, or make cupcakes come out of Ahmadinejad's ass.  But, hey, its something.

Also, there will probably be lulz to be had.  



Wednesday, June 10, 2009

How To Troll Effectively

First of all, any list such as this should have bullet points.  BULLET POINTS GOD DAMMIT!  Take note of these and how important it makes this article look.

  • Bullet points are fucking awesome
  • They make points like this and shit
  • You don't have to use periods
  • But you should use proper punctuation and grammar

Enough with the bullet points.  We will use them in the future, however, so I figured a good, strong introduction was in order, but this article is about trollin'.  

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You may think trolling is something that is only done by sick twisted serial killers and old bored grandmas.  You would be wrong.  Some of todays most popular and powerful people are nothing but really successful trolls.

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There is a fine art to trolling that most people overlook.  THERE ARE RULEZ TO THIS SHIT MAN!  Don't fuck around.  One false move and you will be banished to the valley of the fail, and you don't want that.  They don't have any god damn 7-11's anywhere near that shit.  

First of all, you must know where to troll.  You can't just choose any old website.  Many a fucker has found himself pissing in an ocean of piss.  It is also no fun if you are caught on the wrong side of a ban without a proxy within the first five minutes.  More on proxies... later.


This is a good one.  The personal ads are just oozing with potential lulz.  Try it one time; get a throwaway email account, post as a chick, find a picture of a girl that is cute but still too fat for real life, say you are looking for casual sex, and sit back and wait for the fun to roll in.  


Youtube is one of the other 'easiest places in the world to troll'.  Millions of people that visit that site everyday are just waiting to be riled up into a shitstorm by some asshole with a camera... or some celebrity with a funny looking religion and a massive tumor in his anal cavity... or cheese.  It could happen.


  • Religion is always an easy troll.  Anytime people mention it the thread becomes prime breeding ground for lulz.  Sometimes they will argue with you for weeks, even months, before they realize they have been had.
  • Sometimes, you can use periods in bullet points.
  • If the old fallback religion doesn't work, there is always politics.  For the last 8 years, Democrats have been the trolls.  Now it is the Republicans turn.  See how that works?
  • Question marks are also acceptable.
  • Five bullet points is enough.

Using images during a troll can be an effective tool, but can also rouse suspicion.  You don't want to be discovered too soon.  Images should be used only in the closing moments... and only after you have already been accused of rabble-rousing.  Remember, the right image at the right time can close out a troll perfectly, with much more dramatic license than any simple comment ever could.

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Graphs are good too

While bullet points are all fine and good, graphs complete the fap.  Check out this next graph and see how professional it makes the article look.  Revel in it.  Not too much though.  You sick bastard.

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I promised you we would get to this, and we have now.  See how I set that up and came back to it later on?  It was awesome, huh?  I'll bet you think I'm the best thing since Barack Obama sliced some bread in the White House.  I know, I know.  Well, that's enough about proxies.


Just kidding.  A troll needs proxies like a nun needs a virgin snatch.  Sure, there are some that go without them, but they are just dirty whores whose filthy slut ways will have them burn in hell for all eternity.  That would be you too, if you choose to risk your real IP to some hair brained admin with a stick up his ass for making you pay.  

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I read something interesting the other day.  "Either you die as an admin or you live long enough to see yourself become a troll".  I would accredit it to someone, but I'm not sure who.  Either way, I don't want anyone thinking I am taking credit for saying it.  I didn't.  But as far as the truth in it, I can attest.  The best trolls have been admins at one time or the other.  

 Facebook and Twitter

Sites like this are getting increasingly harder to troll.  You have to sign up for an account, make a page, then wait for people to friend you.  Even then, if you are bothersome people can just delete you from their list.  These sites are a troll dead end and should be avoided not only by us but by every living, breathing human on this planet.  They give you AIDS.

Now... I'm not the best troll in the world.  Maybe not even fifth best.  * SEALAB 2021 REFERENCE*  If you just got that joke, award yourself millions upon millions of tiny litte, beautiful, wonderful internets.  If you didn't, punch yourself in the face and go stick your penis down the up-spout of a hornets nest, you lame cracker ass bastard.


Depending on the technique, how it's used, and where you are, spamming can make you most annoying.  IRC and other instant messenger clients are rife with such activities.  This angers some people immensely.  Anger = win for a troll.  Kicked = epic win.  For what to do next, refer to 'proxy'.


To be found here.  Sign up for an account, number of forwards, and where to send them.  This means you don't have to sign up for a new email account every time you decide to stroke the eternal fire of internet hate.  An indispensable tool to pirates and ninjas alike, this can save you precious time with the aforementioned Craigslist troll... if you aren't planning on answering any of the emails.  But that's no fun, so it's probably better to just use this service for fake forum accounts.

More Graphs

You just can never have enough graphs.  Or maybe you can.  Never mind, no more graphs.  Instead, Xibit...

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Pot Smokers

Stoned people may be even easier to bunch up panties on than religious freaks.  Stoner discussion boards are particularly easy, due to the fact that they all have strong beliefs about legalizing and will swarm like vultures when seeing anything on their site stating otherwise.  Like vultures I tell you... around a big, stinky, maggot infested piece of troll bait.

Social Bookmark Sites

By far the most fertile troll breeding ground outside of image boards, these places are ripe for trollin'.  The only problem is this; other trolls know this too and are prevalent.  It is often hard to discern whether you have just trolled or been trolled.  The good ratio of serious people to troll makes it prime real estate, but it also means you run the risk of failing so hard you divide by zero and break the god damn internet for everyone.


Unlike the above mentioned sites, in these places there is no question; you have just been trolled.  These things are like the Sparta of trollage.  Every single comment is someone trolling, being trolled, or trolling everyone else and himself at the same time.  Why?  Because... shut up.  * ANOTHER SEALAB 2021 REFERENCE, THIS ARTICLE IS RIFE WITH THEM! * If you got that one, and you are sick and tired of hearing about it already, you have been trolled.


Memes are a tool that any troll worth his salt will utilize heartily.  The key, however, is to use them with such subtly that even the great zombie of Sherlock Holmes himself couldn't figure out what the fuck you are talking about until the very end.  Over 9000 of them.  Losing the game.  Rick Astley.

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The last line of the last paragraph would be what is known as epic fail.  Generally, you want to avoid such situations, however, I did so to put it in context so you could understand what the fuck I am saying, yo.  

You will, however, suffer fail when trolling if you do so long enough.  It is something that happens to all of us.  Don't take it too hard.  Just kidding.  You should actually kill yourself now, you worthless piece of shit.  lol

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This universal acronym can be used as a comeback that is always win.  No matter what anyone says to you, how deep and scathingly truthful their argument can be, or even how many guys are trying to fight you off, lol announces your presence as a troll and lets everyone know they have been had with three simple letters.  Other trolls will just sit back and laugh, while the more serious folks will be angered beyond even turning into the hulk.  Once the responses to you begin to resemble dissertations instead of simple internet posts, win is yours.


I am now randomly placing what should have been near the top of the article... near the bottom.  Why?  Because I am the writer and can do what I want.  Do you want to write the rest of this article?  No?  Then shut the fuck up and read.

IMDB is the third of the easiest sites to troll.  Pick a random movie board and have at it.  Remember to use the Trashmail when making your account there in case you're banned.  Some users have been known to call out trolls, but since the site is so huge it is really tough to discern.  I suspect on this board, the Will Smith posts... well, yeah.  The Chuck Norris posts, however, are just faggotry.

In the end, you will decide for yourself when and where it is best for you to troll.  You have to look within your soul to see what works for you, just like when fapping.  Think of this guide as simply some more words you read on the internet this one time.  Or fap to it, I don't care.  



Why Are Some People Afraid of The Internet?

We all know at least one person who fits this profile: owns a computer, has internet access, and uses it for one specific thing with the unyielding viewpoint that if he goes anywhere else online he will catch a virus or have his personal information discovered by a hacker and sold to the highest bidding Nigerian.  It could be email, Facebook, or a game that draws the subject online... regardless of why they are here, that is why they are here god dammit and they will NOT under any circumstances stray from the safe place they know to venture into the rest of the dark, seedy, cold, riff-raff-infested World Wide Web.

We know there are people out there like this.  Some of them are lurking this very sentence as we speak.  They will not contribute to the comment section nor even vote on the social website they happened here from.  Some will even go so far as to swear they caught a virus from the picture of the half naked chick in the bottom right corner.  

It is hard to believe there are people who surf the web without wantonly grabbing porn whenever they can, downloading movies like a madman swings an axe, or telling off every son-of-a-bitch whose two cents are the wrong shade of grey each time they read a news story.  The internet is a social community of people who communicate and share, but moreover, it is a community of silent participants often exiled to one site or specific task without a care in the world what goes on anywhere else no matter how many free pieces of bacon are involved.

Have you ever been to a friends house and tried to show him something awesome or funny on the web and the first thing he says is "Don't give me a virus, man..."?

A number of these people are gamers.  World of Warcraft is the main culprit.  Yes, I'm calling you out, WoWcrack addicts!  That game is made for you to forsake the rest of your flesh breathing life, let alone the entirety of the rest of the internet.  Not every WoWcracker is guilty of it, but if you are one you must ask yourself... am I?

Facebook and Twitter are two other loathsome trends, in the footsteps of Myspace, to lure otherwise non-social people into the cavities of internet ignorance.  A year ago, everyone had a Myspace.  People I couldn't even fathom using a computer were telling me "Add me on Myspace!"  This year the same is true with Facebook and Twitter.  Mark my words: sites like this are going to ruin the goddamn web.

Then you have the dreary people who only get online to check their emails.  Every now and then they will get an email that makes them laugh, that originated in 2003, and they will chuckle and go about their lives watching TV.  They are harmless.  Some of them are also Nigerian.  Regardless, you don't want either to get a hold of your email address.  They will either want to forward you a joke that ceased to be funny in the eighties or their father the prince just died and they need money.

On the other hand, there are forum goers and social news site users... and imageboards.  People who absolutely have no aversion to clicking on anything at all.  It could be a homeless man fucking a dead cat... or a dead cat fucking a homeless man.  It could go either way these days.  Whatever does it for you.  

We are the very same people who make the internet scary for the others.  Some people have never seen goatse, and even though I believe seeing what cannot be unseen makes you a bit of a better person, not everyone gets the subtle humor.  Some see stuff like this and leave the internet never to return.  Others... well, post that sort of stuff.

The internet is web based multi-player notepad.  Of course, like anything else, some would have a phobia towards it.  As the many other things in this world people fear, there is even a name for it.  And symptoms.  Bad ones.  Really.  This website here say's you can get hyperactive bowels, shaking, and a desire to flee.  The only treatment?  Contact the Indian dude who built the site on instant messenger and he will talk you through it.  Seriously.

For the rest of us, Nazi zombies are attacking the Lincoln Memorial.  Sarah Palin is naked, a zombie, and half drunk driving a tractor down the street.  She is trying to rape you with her penis.  Discuss.







Saturday, June 06, 2009

Japanese Moon Video

Those slick Japanese are at it again... this time, instead of anime porn and panty vending machines, with high definition video taken of the moons surface.  I know, how awesome is that?  Totally.  The answer is totally.

But wait... there is more.  Not only did they take one video they leaked to YouTube in high definition, but... wait for it... wait for it... yes!  They took TWO videos!  The spacecraft, called Kaguya,  Japanese for "HA WE OWN UR NASA NOW", is set to collide with the surface of the moon sometime next week so scientists can study some shit to do with crashing into the moon.

Actually, as you can see from the Youtube video, there are a lot more videos taken and leaked to Youtube.  Leave it to the Japanese to totally one-up that dude from Phoenix with his live rape feed.  "Yes, girly looking man who raped that chick, you got our attention... but did you do it from THE MOON?!?!"