Saturday, May 30, 2009

How 2 Americans Captured 60 Nazi SS Soldiers

It was somewhere in Europe, 1945ish, and my granddad had been fighting Nazis for quite a while. The Battle Of the Bulge had taken it's toll on the guys. There was snow everywhere, and though the war was about to end, tensions were still pretty high. This was enemy territory and there were still Nazis roaming around... and some of them were not ready to surrender.

Back in those days, the soldiers were simple men. My grandfather grew up on a farm in a small town. Fighting wasn't a career choice for them. They were doing what they had to do... answering the call from their country. They didn't get free college, nice benefits, or sign-on bonuses. The politics of war didn't matter. My grandfather used to tell me “We did what we were told.” They were proud of being 'grunts' and nothing in the world was more important than the guy next to you in the foxhole.

Back to our story.

There was a patrol to be run, and my granddad was chosen along with another guy. The two of them would go out through the countryside looking for the last remnants of the Nazi army to engage, yell obscenities at, and generally create havoc with until they either died or gave up. In other words, their orders were “Go out and get you boys some Nazis!” So the two soldiers set out on what would become one of their final patrols of the now almost over war.

They shot the shit as they were walking, mostly about how fucking cold it was and being excited over the good Kentucky Bourbon they had waiting for them back at camp. The Nazis had just surrendered and they had seen their share of combat in the last few years, so a walk around the countryside wasn't too bad of a deal even if it was cold as all hell. At this point all they wanted to do was go home. They thought they had already seen the worst... then they walked around a blind corner.

Standing in front of them were 60 of some of the best trained soldiers the Nazis had to offer, the notorious SS. All fully armed and standing in formation. Needless to say, bricks were shat. 

The two Americans raised their weapons, in some sort of desperate attempt to retain honor in a situation when you know you are about to get your ass handed to you in every way possible and your chances of winning are exactly no fucking way in hell. 

My grandfather used to tell me of this moment in time. I'm sure the other guy told his grandkids. He thought he was done. Right at that moment he said to himself, “Well, that's that.” There was absolutely no way the guys would get out of this alive, and they were both all too aware of this fact. Then, the unthinkable happened.

The Germans didn't raise their guns. One who spoke English stepped forward. He announced they had been wandering the land in search of Americans and were glad they finally found some. He then submitted his official surrender to the two guys standing in front of him who had just pissed themselves. Of course, they did the civilized thing and graciously accepted. 

The two guys they sent out returned from patrol with 60 German SS soldiers held prisoner and one of the best 'oh shit' stories anyone has ever told. Surviving a war isn't always about being a bad ass. Sometimes, you also need incredible luck.

Friday, May 29, 2009

How I have hid My Drugs From Cops

The Airduct

It was late '94 and I was speeding through the mountains between New Mexico and Arizona.  It was raining, dark, and the road was twisted like a rattlesnake with rabies.  It was me, some chick, some dude, and another chick.  You know how that goes.  We were fresh from a trip to Juarez and my passengers were passed the fuck out.  

There was about a half ounce of weed in my pocket and I was just thinking about loading it into a rolling paper when I seen the red and blue lights shining at me through the storm in the rearview mirror.  I wasn't sure which state I was in, but it didn't matter; the penalty for weed in either place is some pretty damn fucked up prison time.  I was doing about 90 so it was a ticket for sure, but if I played it cool I could still get out of ass rape in the joint.

It was the airduct that would save me.  In some Chryslers they are snap-on, snap-off parts.  With a little bit of pressure you could pull one right off and put it back on just as easy.  That's where my sack of weed went.  Along with my papers, lighter, and strangely enough, I put my cigarettes in there too.  

I found a safe spot somewhere down the highway and pulled over.  I had my license and insurance and all that ready as the New Mexico State Trooper came to my window.  He was a small older guy with a mustache... kind of reminded me of my shop teacher.  

He asked me to get out of the car and stand in the rain with him.  I told him I just got back from Mexico and he had me open my trunk to prove I wasn't trying to push mad weight back to the states for a healthy profit.  I explained to him we were just down there to drink.  He laughed and wrote me a ticket.  "You can go now... as soon as I take a little look through your car just to set my mind at ease..."

Dammit.  I had always used my airduct but never put it to the test.  

Everyone was moved out of the car and made to stand on the side of the road with me in the rain.  Ten minutes later, after we were all drenched and I had heard my share of bitching from the women-folk, the Trooper came back with nothing.  "Keep it under the speed limit," he said and bid us on our way.

Twenty minutes later his ticket was laying somewhere along the side of a wet mountain highway and the weed was out of the airduct and safely in my lungs.

The Electrical Outlet

It was mid 1995 and I was taking the drive through the desert and mountains from Phoenix to Denver.  Instead of gas money, the brilliant young teenager that I was, I brought some meth with me.  The idea was to sell it halfway and get my ass out of Arizona.  My welcome was worn out and the time to ride off into the sunset had long since came.

I met up with a biker at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere.  He had what I needed: money and a want of drugs.  We exchanged products and I followed him to a local drug-dive motel.  I parked my car, got a room, rolled up a fat joint, and turned on the television.  

For the next 4 hours the old man knocked on my door at least 8 times.  I made enough money off this one guy to make it to the end of my journey safely.  He was so hooked on my stuff, the last time he came over he brought all his quarters.  I happily took everything he had to offer, except his wife which he did offer me but I kindly turned down, and shut off my lights for a short rest before driving the half-day it would take me to reach the Mile High City.

About ten minutes later I started to hear a commotion outside.  The drugs must have been too much for the guy; he was on the sidewalk screaming something about the CIA and black paratroopers waiting outside his back window.  It was only a matter of minutes before some small town cop would show up to arrest him and search the whole place.  This didn't bode well for the old pirate ninja, as he had been in and out of my room all night and a simple check of the security cameras would provide evidence to that.

I still had half an ounce of meth.  I went to work quickly.

There was an old flathead screwdriver in the bottom of my backpack.  I have no idea why it was there, no doubt for unlawful purposes, but it was about to come in handy.  What I was about to do, no one reading should try.  

I turned off the lights and unscrewed the casing on the switch.  There was just enough room to stash the meth and small amount of weed I had left.  As I was getting the screws back in, I seen the red and blue lights pull into the parking lot.  I placed the screwdriver back in my bag, sprayed some cologne so the place didn't smell like pot, got back in my bed, and waited.

Sure enough, less than twenty minutes later I got a knock on my door.  Sure enough, it was the cops.  Sure enough, they wanted to ask me questions.  Sure enough... they had to search my room.

Apparently, the manager hadn't told the full story.  The cops knew I had come to the motel with the crazy guy and wanted to question me about it, but had no idea he had been in and out of my room all night.  They didn't seem suspicious that I was the one who gave the guy the dope, but more that I was on it myself.  

After telling the officer that I had only met the dude earlier that day and only then to ask him where I could find a cheap motel, explaining that I was on my way to my mother's house in Denver, and allowing them to check my pupils and search the room to satisfy their curiosity, they left.  

I got 3 hours of sleep and was outside of the city limits by dawn, as instructed by the police because it would be my best course of action, or 'what I would do if I was in your shoes..."

Everyone just be REAL Quiet!

Great acid parties aren't planned... they usually happen when too many people take too much acid to safely leave a place.  During the late nineties, college for me, one night that place ended up being my grandparents house, which they had left to me while I went to school.

It started out when three of us bought a shitload of acid and decided to make our money back, while tripping for free, and called some friends to sell it to.  At first some chicks came over and wanted to try it out before they bought more.  "Fine," I said, "Buy a couple of hits, drop, and if you like it, buy some more and take them to your friends."

It seemed like a good plan at the time.  The problem with my logic is that everyone who came over afterwards saw a group of hot chicks on my couch and just never left.  If you ask me now I would say there were at least 30 people, however in reality it might have been more like 15-20... everyone tripping balls.

I remember a few things before I seen the cop pull up.  I know there was a group of people in the den tripping out on the old seventies carpet.  A couple of people were in my room drawing on the wall.  Someone had found a mouse trapped on a stickpad under the washer and that was making for quite the spectacle as well.  Other than a light in the bedroom to the back of the house, everything was dark or badly lit, music was low, and folks were mostly just wandering around.

I was lost in the window sill and it took me a few seconds to realize I just witnessed a cop pull up to the drive.  If you have ever suddenly had something really important to do while you were tripping on acid, you will understand the panic that set in at that exact moment.  The first thing that came to mind was "EVERYONE DOWN!"

However, it didn't quite come out like Arnold yelling for a chopper.  I did my best impression of a ninja and crawled to each room, explaining that we all had to be quiet and still, as the cops were at the door.  Everyone in the house was strangely receptive to the idea.  It took a minute or two for the officer to get out of his car, and by the time he was walking up to the door he was facing a dark, cold, quiet house.

Despite everything in the world not on my side, no one made a sound.  I sat on the linoleum with my back to the door.  Every time he knocked, hard like the police do, I felt earthquakes going through my body.  He hit the door twice, then everything went quiet...

It was at least ten minutes before I realized the cop had just left.  Or maybe ten seconds.  Who knows?  And I'm not even really sure if there were still drugs left in the house.  Time and more drugs have killed any other memory I have of that night, save one.  I remember sitting on a chair on top of my bed at an early hour of the morning.  I don't know why, but it made sense at the time.

The Oven

When you are 22 years old, Fridays still mean something.  To me, this one particular Friday meant I was throwing a keg party.  Those days I had a liquor bar set up where any normal person would have a kitchen table.  And it was full.  Of liquor.

These things start out innocently enough.  Only five or six people were there when I brought the keg home.  We mixed some drinks and had a few beers.  Then some weed came and we fired it up.  By the time the sun went down I was halfway to toasted.

I made a mistake people frequently make when they are throwing a party; I told everyone.  to be sure I told too many people.  As soon as darkness hit people were showing up in droves.

My apartment was only a one bedroom.  It wasn't very big at all.  I had both the bedroom and living room full of people before 9 o'clock.  Someone brought another keg.  As far as specifics, it was all too hazy to remember.

All I can discern is that I was standing in the corner of my kitchen getting ready to roll a huge blunt.  I had about 2 ounces of weed all broken out in front of me.  That is about an ounce over the state of Colorado's limit for walking away with a ticket.  Someone yelled 'COPS!"

You may be asking the same thing I was asked for weeks afterwards by my friends; "Why the oven?"  Honestly, there was just nothing else around.  I had 150 people in my place, at least half underaged drunks, a pile of weed in front of me, I was shitfaced, and in just a few seconds I would have to talk to the cops.  The oven was literally all I had.

So I shoved it all in and answered my door.

I knew I was fucked, and I spent the next half hour paying for my sins.  I was looking at some tickets for sure, possibly jail... depending on what they found.  Everyone who was underage was sent home.  This left about ten of us after everyone else left too.  I was written a ticket for violation of a noise ordinance and drinking underage, even though I was 22 at the time.  

The police agreed to let me keep the keg but they took the tap.  The search for drugs had come up fruitless except for some painkillers I had left over from an injury that they made me flush down the toilet.  They also didn't write me a ticket for the bong they found with the condition that I break it in front of them.  

They left me with nothing.  Or so they thought.  By the time they left there was only about five of us there.  I went to my oven and one of the other guys went out to his truck.  He brought with him a brand new tap still in plastic and I dumped 2 ounces of weed on the coffee table.

The stupid fucking cops never looked in the oven.  They also never checked the bar fridge.  It was still stocked with liquor.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

9 reasons Why I Love Sluts

1. They Don’t bitch for attention

If you happen to miss calling them one time, it is not the end of the world. They will just be fucking someone else. We know this, so this is our choice. Just wear a fucking condom, like you should have been doing in the first place.

2. You don’t have to fake it

Yes, guys fake it too. Why? Because we are sick of fucking. It happens. If we don’t get a nut in the first two hours, we are not going to bust one. We know this. So we fake it. Sorry honey. When a slut is on your nuts, you are almost guaranteed a bust, because she knows how to bring you there.

3. You don’t have to worry about them cheating on you

Because they are fucking a few different guys during the same period they are fucking you. Who gives a shit? Pussy is pussy. Stop bitching about it and be happy you are having sex. You could be jacking off on the internet four fucking times a day. Not that you don’t anyways, but still…

4. They don’t just lay there

A slut can take the cock. For Christ sakes, she can take two at the same time if you talk to her right. They like sex. Often times, they ride the cock like a god damn matador, red flag and all. If they don’t, they are not real sluts. They do not deserve the name. 

5. No relationship bullshit

We all know we don’t give two shits what a woman says. Why the fuck do we want to listen to it and have to act like we do? Sluts are easy. They take the pounding and leave, without trying to get you to express your “feelings”. Feelings are fucking stupid anyways.

6. You can fuck other girls 

All the other girls. You know why? Because she is probably fucking your friends. This means it doesn’t matter if you fuck her friends. Don’t be a bitch and cry about it, because it is what you want. If it is not what you want, you should probably check your ass, because some guy probably has a dick in it right now.

7. It will teach you to wear condoms

You should be doing this in the first place. Kids cost a shit load of money. I am telling you because I know. Not only did little zero want a PSP for his birthday, his mom wanted child support. Ever paid 500$ for a PSP? I have. Learn from me and be happy you did.

8. You will not have to remember an anniversary

Because no one cares. She doesn’t give two shits if you remember the first drunken night that you slept with her. Maybe you didn’t even sleep. Maybe you just scrogged her and went home. She won’t expect a box of chocolates on that day. Just fuck her again. 

9. Because they are sluts

They are the few women who can stand up and say “I like sex just as much as males”. That is fucking awesome. You other women could learn something from these chicks. Stop being so stuck up. Admit you like the cock and just let us give it to you. 

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Best Movies To Fall Asleep Watching

2001: A Space Odyssey

It is unlikely you will make it past the monkeys.  The first part of this movie is drawn out as to not keep you on the edge of your seat, making it perfect for sleeping.  It also makes little sense if you aren't paying attention.  A monkey uses a bone to kill other monkeys?  And what is that huge penis-shaped thing they all keep crowding around?  Also, where is the dialog that isn't spoken in simian?  Questions like these and many others will help you hit dreamland before you know it.

Jason X

Nothing like long scenes in deep space, where nobody can hear you sleep, to help you hit the sack quicker than a handful of Ambien.  Sure, eventually action starts to happen... but not until Jason wakes up halfway through the movie to kill everyone.    By that time the waking world will be nothing but a distant memory to you.  Just make sure you keep the volume low as to not be awakened by a sudden jolt of horror music that rips you from your dreams of drunk naked nurses into a machete-fueled killing frenzy scene.

Lord of the Rings Part One

This one starts out slower than molasses dripping down the ass of a dirty hooker who is paid by the hour to have molasses drip down her ass.  The script reads like a weird dream anyways.  Frodo is there, so is the kid from the Goonies... then Magneto shows up dressed like a wizard.  After the fireworks, they all decide to go to a party on the other side of the mountain.  Some guys on horses follow you so you hide under a tree.  The perfect tree for a nice, long nap...

Pride and Prejudice

There is no time in this world better for the sandman to visit you than when folks are speaking victorian english on the screen with no chance of anything blowing up or even the slightest inkling of titties popping out.  Don't get me wrong, there is a plot... but for guys who have the attention span of the internet, it will only take about three scenes before we realize we are never going to find out what it is and close our eyes for greener pastures elsewhere in our mind.  

Plan 9 From Outer Space

Ranked the worst movie of all time by everyone who has seen it, this is the type of really bad movie that is not so bad it's good but so bad it is worse.  There is no real plot structure at all.  There are farmers, then vampires, then something about a spaceship that looks suspiciously like a hubcap...  not even the director knew wtf was going on.  Pop it in and you will be counting sheep in about fifteen minutes.

Fight Club

What better movie to fall asleep to than one you have already seen fifty million times?  Fight Club is the type of movie that can do anything you want it to.  When you're drunk, it can make you want to fight.  When you're sober, it can make you want to get drunk.  When you're bored, it will excite you and when you are half asleep, it will bring you all the way.  It is the cure-all for what ails ya...


After putting this film in my dvd player on numerous occasions, I still do not know what the frickin thing is about.  Even if I'm not in the least bit tired, I will either fall asleep or find myself doing something else before the 90 minutes is up.  Or at least I think it's 90 minutes, I have never made it to the end.  I think it has something to do with space maybe, or the future, or at one point I even guessed Luke Skywalker would show up.  Then I found myself dreaming that Luke Skywalker showed up.  

Matrix Revolutions

By this point in the story line all the good aspects of the plot have long gone away and none of us knows even in the slightest wtf is going on.  You recognize the characters but it is like watching people you know do things that they shouldn't be doing.  Counting sheep and counting the strange, out-of-place plot points that are going on in this third installment of a good movie gone bad are one in the same.  It is not a matter of 'if' you will fall asleep, it is a matter of when...

Vanilla Sky

We can all agree that Tom Cruise is one weird motherfucker.  In real life, he is good for not very much.  In this movie, however, he is just as good if not better than a bottle of sleeping pills and some whiskey.  The acting alone is lame enough to put you ten winks from REM within the first few scenes.  If you did happen to make it to the end, you may think that you are already asleep and dreamt up the whole thing.  Unless the ending turned out good, then you KNOW you are asleep and dreamt up the whole thing...

The English Patient

This is the type of movie you have heard about but never seen.  Why?  Because we don't watch crap.  Well, we do... but not knowingly.  However, this does deserve a spot in your pirate collection.  The next time you are feeling insomnia and just can't get that last nail put in the sleep coffin, play this movie and seal that bastard up, using boring British stuff as your hammer of Thor.  You will be asleep by the time anyone even becomes a patient.


Remember those days of yore in elementary school when the teacher was all like "YAY! We're going to watch a movie!" and then put this in the old VCR for a two hour long run after dimming the lights and closing up the windows?  She might as well have put a pillow under your head and passed out warm milk.  Not that the movie itself is boring, a bit strange but not really boring, but it will invoke memories of dark classrooms and long afternoon naps.  Put it in a bit late and we can call it a long night's sleep that lasts well throughout the morning.

Mission to Mars

As I said earlier, space is the perfect place to sleep.  Cold, quiet, and dark.  The problem with most space movies is they tend to have a lot of eye opening action going on sometime in the plot.  Not so with this sleep inducing menace.  You can pop this one in the old dvd slot without fear of anything awesome ever happening.  Just a bunch of stale dialog and quiet scenes of outer space.  You will wake up in the morning refreshed and well rested with the title screen happily playing nice, quiet, boring space music.



Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The 9 Best Fights You Will See On The Internet


I know what you're thinking.  "Boxing sucks, apart from quick knockouts, the guys just dance around the ring."  Not so in this case.  Im putting up round 6 because I know this is the internet and your attention span doesn't last long enough to watch the whole fight.  This round will give you an idea of the pace of the entire fight.  These guys look like they genuinely hate each other and really want to kick each other's asses.  Boxing fans will know this is one of the greatest fights of all time.  For non-boxing fans, just give it twenty seconds.  This wasn't a boxing match, this was a street fight with gloves.

Frye vs Takayama

You have never heard of these guys.  That's ok.  Ass kicking fights are ass kicking fights, doesn't matter whether you have heard of the guys or not.  Watch how they punch each other in the face... repeatedly.  Really hard.  For a long time.

Flyers Vs Senators

There is an old saying: "I was at a fight and a hockey game broke out."  This next video embodies that principle.  If you didn't like the first two fights, you will love this one.  This shit goes on for like 4 minutes and guys get knocked the fuck out.  Just about everyone on the ice finds someone to exchange punches with.  Arguably, and ironically, hockey is more violent than either of the above sports.  

A soccer game

Or football for those of you across the pond.  Whatever you want to call it, just make sure you don't make the mistake most Americans do and think that it is for girls.  These guys are rough and like to fight.  This next video is a compilation of many fights.   To pick just one would be blasphemy.

Fans vs Security Guards

Speaking of football, it's not just the players that like to kick ass, though they do join in on this brawl.  These security guards take it upon themselves to beat the shit out of one rabid fan when the rest of the rabid fans and the rabid players take exception and return the ass kicking in droves.  Enjoy this one, I know I did.

Some crazy dudes

The best fights don't always take place in a sanctioned event.  These next two guys just didn't like each other for some reason.   They start out in a clinch and just start punching the fuck out of each other.  Fighting in front of a crowd of thousands for money is one thing.  Fighting in front of a crowd of a few guys for respect is an entirely different deal.  

Russian gang fight

What do you get when you mix two large groups of fuckers who hate each other and some molatov cocktails?  People get knocked the fuck out is what you get.  I'm not sure who they were or what they were even fighting for, but it must have been something important.  Or maybe it wasn't, who cares?  Mayhem ftw!


Dude vs crowd

In this case, the dude wins.  Everyone that brings some kind of move on him gets knocked the fuck out.  The rest of the crowd gets a bit less than brave after seeing the first two get handled.  Either this was a crowd of pussies or this guy is a  god damn ninja.  

Porn star fight!

Yep, that's right.  One of these chicks, the girl in yellow I believe but don't quote me on that, actually goes on to be a porn star... proving that some porn stars have a good right hook.  Actually, I didn't see the right hook.  You probably won't either.  But you will see a pipe to the dome...  

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

9 Habits That Make You An Asshole

1.  Not tipping
People who provide good service should always be tipped. Don’t be an asshat. Folks in certain industries depend on that shit. If someone goes out of their way to ensure your happiness, you can come off a few bucks. Non-tippers deserve to be nut-kicked by a concrete boot.

2. Not controlling your kids
It seems everywhere I go these days some wild ass little fucktard is running around a public place (stores…theaters…public parks) bothering otherwise decent folks with their monkey-like annoyance while their parents look on helplessly. Red Foreman would not put up with such behavior. We need more guys like Red Foreman in this world.

3. Driving slow
No one likes to be stuck behind the guy who has to slow to a turtle-crawl to make a left turn at a stoplight which only stays green for so many seconds. Turning a vehicle is not a complicated task. If your brain can not function in such a timely manner you should not be allowed to drive. Other people would like to make that turn as well. Don’t be a dick.

4. Not picking up your trash
We all know at least one guy always leaves a little piece of whatever he was doing on your end table or floor after he is gone. There are always trash cans around. Not using a receptacle to rid yourself of trash is just lazy. Like the old owl used to say, “Give a hoot, Throw your fucking trash away!”

5. Holding up lines
If there is even one person waiting behind you it is common courtesy to do what the fuck you came to do and move on. No one has time to wait on a person who has had ample opportunity to decide what they wanted before they got to the counter. Holding up other folks makes you a dredge on society’s functionality. Please think about this thoroughly the next time you plan on taking fifteen minutes in the express lane learning to write a check for a 7$ purchase.

6. Not yielding for pedestrians
In case you were wondering… yes, the phrase “the pedestrian always has the right of away” is meant to be taken literally. It is not going to kill you to observe the rules of the road and wait a few seconds for an old lady to finish crossing the street before you attempt to run her down. Decent folks who do not see the need to drive everywhere should not be at risk of their lives every time they enter the realm of the crosswalk because some idiot soccer mom bought an SUV and absolutely can’t be arsed to spare ten seconds of her day to let some kid cross the damn street.

7. Asking stupid questions in public
If you are going to be a dumb-ass, please do so in the privacy of your own home. Regaling others with the scope of your stupidity in such places as a fast food lunch counter or the local supermarket checkout line does not make you cool. Asking such things as “How late are you open?” when there is a clear-as-day sign on the door as you walk in lacks common sense. While it may be true that ignorance is bliss, it is exactly the opposite for those who are forced to witness it. 

8. Arguing with your girl in public 
Not a single person in this world cares the least little bit about your relationship problems. Whenever I see some asshole and his significant other acting like children in front of total strangers the first thought that comes to my mind is the need to bring back the old tar and feathering punishment. There are reasons you have your own home. One of them is so other people aren’t bothered with your failed love life. 

9. Thinking you are too cool for the rest of society
Everyone hates the type of people who walk around with sticks stuck up their asses. Old Chuck was right when he said we are all part of the same shit heap. In essence we are all just animals roaming this earth. In a perfect world everyone would be treated with equal consequences and respect by everyone else. This planet would be such a nicer place to live if everyone could follow that simple rule.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

9 Ways to Die Like A Man

1. Down Mexico way… in a hail of bullets!

After a long chase and a few bank robberies while the federales have got you surrounded.  Most guys would throw their hands in the air and go away peacefully. Guys like Johnny Cash kick everyones ass and have to die of old age.  

2. Tortured to death by spies while not giving up any information

Especially chick spies who are hot.  However, if you get caught by chick spies that are hot, you're a pussy.  Sean Connery would fucking smack down a chick spy, even a hot one.  When I say 'smack down' I mean punch dead in the nose and knock the fuck out cold.

3. Being thrown off a high structure with your arch enemy in tow

The trick here is when you get the slightest feeling you are going to fall spear the guy you're fighting right into oblivion.  Before you do it, say something cool and awesome like "Come fly away with me", but not in a gay way.  Remember, if you screw up the cool last words you're not dying like a man, you're going out like a stuttering fool.

4. On a pirate ship fighting a storm

Only pussies use lifeboats. Real men fight the sea even if it kills them. During the storm, you have to swing your arms and yell at the sky while cursing God, Poseidon, The Keebler Elves, me for writing this article, Forrest Gump, your 4th grade teacher, hookers, Richard Nixon, and anyone else you can think of.  If you make it through and go back out to find another storm, You're not just dying like a man, you're dying like an awesome fucking rough bastard.  

5. Alone on a far away planet, with a bomb that was meant for Earth

It is inevitable that one day aliens will show up with a big ass bomb and try to blow up Earth because they are jealous of our freedom. Somebody is going to have to steal that bomb and deliver it back to the outsider scum, sacrificing his life with a cool smirk on his face. The whole process will involve  drawing short straws against long ones and then making Bruce Willis do it anyways.  

6. While having a threesome

If you are going to go out… it might as well be at the top. Or on the bottom.  Or in the Middle. Or on the side with your leg bent just off the bed.  Just make sure it doesn't happen with two ugly, fat chicks.  Getting crushed to death by Rhinos is manly only if the rhinos are real and not just rhino sized chicks who will not call an ambulance but just eat all your foodz and dump your body in the river.  

7. By an assassins bullet after a great speech

If your last thought is "Damn, that was a good speech, but I do regret not wearing that bullet proof vest that is sitting on my nightstand..." then your death was a good one.  If your revolution is successful, people will put your face on t-shirts for all of time.  If not, enjoy the Hitler section of the history books.

8. Killed after running through the evil king or general with your sword

Like BraveHeart did.  Oh... wait, he didn't.  But he tried.  The Patriot did it.  This is a lesson in life.  Sometimes Mel Gibson wins, sometimes he loses.  Sometimes he makes gay ass movies and other times he makes the most awesome shit you will ever see in your life.  Mel's movies always deserve a chance.  

9. Defending your land from invading foreigners

Especially if there are only 300 of you and a million Persian cowards.  This doesn't count if you are Arab because you aren't really defending 'your' land.  You are defending land that the greedy Jews will just steal from you someday and turn into coffee shops and that charge outrageous prices for a product that should cost a quarter and be bottomless all god damn night.

9 Ways To Get Revenge On Your Enemies

1. Screw his wife

This works best if you do it in full view of the entire internet. I mean… it works either way, but it’s a better dish if served up over a few entertainment websites. Give the video a “300” theme: make her call you “Leonidas” and scream “FOR SPARTA!” as you get down. Can you say epic?

2. Piss on his toothbrush

Dress up like a maintenance worker, Bruce Lee your way into his bathroom, and let loose a steady stream of cheap, regurgitated beer onto the head of his favorite tooth cleaner. Then take a shit in his toilet and don’t flush. He will believe the unflushed dump was your plan and won’t give a second thought to what else you may have done. Sweet success…

3. Slay him in combat

When all else fails, you can always go back to the old school. Gather your sword and shield and look for the offending party on the battlefield! If you can’t find a battlefield a parking lot will do. If no parking lots are available an isle at the local grocery store will do. Since broadswords aren’t allowed in most places of commerce, you will have to use a zucchini instead. Have you ever seen a man beat to death with a zucchini? It is fucking hilarious…

4. Chase him with a dead mouse

Although they never let on, most arch-enemies are deathly afraid of dead rodents. Follow yours into a public place and jump out from behind a tree without warning. Scream “DEAD MOUSE!” and wave the deceased marsupial through the air like a French white sheet before a battle while running wildly towards your target. He will instinctively run and everyone within earshot will know he is really a woman who is scared of a tiny, harmless mouse.

5. Drink his last beer

Infiltrating a man’s fridge is never an easy task; it could very well be guarded by hungry dogs and sleeping dragons. The last can of cold brew will definitely be booby trapped. It will take an effort of Indiana Jones proportions to procure such a treasure. Drinking it, however, quenches the thirst for vengeance with cold purity. When done, replace the empty bottle after leaving a post-it note with your name stuck to the label. Bonus points: pee in the empty bottle and leave the note on the backside of the label.

6. Reformat his hard drive

Nothing hurts a man more than losing all of his porn. Take away his music collection in the process and you have achieved nothing less than a devastating attack, possibly even a killing blow. It takes two seconds to go to Start-Run, type “format c:” into the blank prompt, and hit “enter”. To undo such an act takes technical miracles. If, while involved in such an act, you hear a deep voice say “Fatality” out of nowhere, buy yourself some ice cream. You win.

7. Eat food that he was saving

When a man is looking forward to eating something and it disappears… well, let’s just say some things make getting kicked in the balls seem not so bad. Make sure the empty container is left in your wake so that he suspects nothing at first. Upon opening the package, his screams of pain will be able to be heard for at least a ten mile radius. 

8. Infest his lair with termites

Unassuming little bugs who eat peoples houses are the ultimate tool of revenge. With the right placement, and given enough time to work unnoticed, an assholes tool shed can be rendered useless. He will then be forced to work on shit in his driveway and all shall see him sawing wood for a new hideout in shame. Bonus if the driveway is all that is left of his house as well…

9. Kick him in the balls

Remember, way back in reason 7, when I said some things make a kick in the balls seem not so bad? That was a dirty fucking lie. It is, however, a very nearly forbidden move for any man to pull off on another. It should be reserved only for guys who have killed your family or burned your village and those dirty dirty spammers from Nigeria. Actually, the entire country of Nigeria deserves a collective kick in the balls. Bastards.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

6 Awesome Ways Humanity Could End But Probably Won't

Velociraptor zombies:

Imagine if the night of the living dead took place right outside of jurassic park.  Scenario: One of the mindless zombies wanders into a pack of velociraptors and gets torn to shreds.  The raptors start to bite their buddies.  20 minutes later... we are all fucked.

Raptors are seriously pretty bad ass on their own.  Add the undead quality and insatiable appetite for brains to their razor sharp claws and lighting quickness and what you are left with is something that would make even the great Leonidas himself run away crying like an alter boy from the Vatican date night.  

Roaming packs of velociprator zombies would seriously effect the balance of humans to velociraptor zombies on this planet.  Those who aren't decimated in the first wave of attacks would definitely end up dying of "I-shit-my-pants-so-bad-I-keeled-over-dead".  Trust me, the latter is NOT the best way to go.

Only Solution: Super awesome raptor-zombie killing laser guns

Vampire Sharks with wings

Dracula gets stuck at sea and tries to bite a shark, who then proceeds to own his undead ass and drain all the demon blood from his body.  Him and his buddies proceed to bite each other... then, evolution shows up and gives the shark reptiles wings.

There are only two things that can kill a vampire: sun and a stake to the heart.  The thickness of the sharks skin rules out the sun.  It also nearly rules out anyone thinking they are bad ass enough to try the stake to the heart thing.  If any amongst us did pull out enough balls to try such a thing, well... we would remember him well.  Or as a dumb ass.  Most likely the latter.  

Most of us would rather drink Drano than deal with one of these flying torpedos of blood sucking hatred.  You might be safe if you live in a desert far far away from the sea, at least until evolution figures that one out too.

Solution:  Super-smart flying super-sharp treetrunk missiles

Super Sized Tarantula Navy SEALS

Let's just say the government was experimenting with training tarantulas to infultrate terrorist hideouts and kill everyone inside.  One day a drunk scientist spills a vial of supersize serum on the latest graduating class of the SEAL school for spider soldiers.   Then they drink some angry juice.  Then... it is on like Donkey Kong.

Large tarantulas are bad enough as it is, give them the training to take out a battalion of soldiers between four of them... oh ya, and the angry juice... and we are pretty much up shit creek with toothpicks for paddles.  The worst part is: you won't even know your dead until the large spider straw already has half your guts sucked out.  Oh, and because of the angry juice, they will probably berate you the entire time.

Of course, those of us who happen to have large vats of spider spray in our backyards might be safe... if we can catch them without their gas masks.  However, considering the logistics of such a thing, any laymen can tell you were pretty much ass-raped on that plan.  

Solution:  Chainsaws... lots of chainsaws

Rogue Pirate Gigantosaurus Ninjas

Don't even ask me how these would come about.  The effects, however, of large teeth filed killing machines showing up at port, raping women, stealing all the gold, eating everything in sight, and doing it so quietly that no one ever knew what happened, would be, well... since all of us are dead and none of us knew what happened, pretty much nil.  At least there wold be nothing for us to discuss...

Those of us lucky enough to get caught in the first wave will get the added bonus of not having to know what's coming.    The ones who do know what's coming will still be pretty much in the dark due to the fact these things are not only killer dinosaurs and righteous pirates, but also ninjas who leave no trace.  Im sure, however, there would be video on YouTube.  

Solution: A big fat joint and tall building to jump off 

Terminator Nanobots

At first it would be a source of great hilarity... these tiny little robots telling us "Give me your clothes".  The jokes would end however, when one of the little bastards got in through your ear and started pulling brain stems from spinal cords like it was their job.

Soon they would master the use of thumbtacks and small, rusty nails.  Every time you stomp on one he would slither his way into your blood stream and not only eat your cancer, but every other piece of protein based meat in your body (Read: all).  Christian Bale could yell at them all day long, questioning their professionalism and threatening to get them fired from the set.  Alas, that shit only works on key grips and drunken sailors.

Solution:  Not Christian Bale, that's for sure

12/21/12: Google becomes self-aware

I know what you're thinking... "How can Google be worse than Velocirapter Zombies?"  Well, First velociraptor zombies don't know everything about you.  Your purchases, the news sites you like, your sick porn search history...  By 2012, every single man, woman, and child on earth will be in Google's database, unless they are poor and don't matter anyways.

Ask yourself this: What would you do if Google demanded your allegiance?  Switch to Yahoo?  That isn't even an option.  You would cry like a politician without pork and kill whomever it told you to in order to get those sweet, sweet search results.  It's like crack man.  Nuclear codes would be freely given (As if they don't have those already) and all who don't have a Gmail account will be forsaken.  How many times do you hit Google a day?  Nuff said.

Solution:  Nothing, bow to the Google God! 

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Hottest Peppers/Non-Peppers In The World

The Ghost Chili

Also known as the Ghost Pepper, King Cobra Chili, the Poison Chili Pepper, and it's native name "Buht Jolokia" (lol 'buht'), this chili is regarded by the Guinness Book Of World Records as the hottest fucking plant on this planet.  To give you an idea of how hot this fucker really is, it has a rating of over 1 million on the 'Scoville Scale'.  A Habanero ranks up to 350,000.  It will indeed burn your ass on the way out.  However...

Blairs 16 Million Reserve

If you think the Ghost Chili is hot, check this shit out.  The name, '16 Million Reserve' is not just a marketing tool.  It ranks fucking 16 million on the Scoville Scale.  It comes in a vial of 1 ml and you have to sign a release just to buy it, stating if you die it is your own fault.  Yes, you could die.  It is not even a 'hot sauce', it is a chemical compound.  

Blairs 6 AM

Another product from Blairs, which also retains a 16 million on the old ScoScale, this product comes with a warning: 'Avoid any and all skin contact!'  That means you don't have to actually eat it for it to fuck you up... you just have to touch it.  Or convince someone else to touch it for lulz.  

You may be looking at the above paragraphs and thinking "That ain't shit, I can handle it!"  Imagine spraying police strength pepper spray on your tongue.  Sound painful?  It really isn't, seeing as how that stuff only ranks 5.5 on the above mentioned scale.  In other words, the homegrown pepper will only fuck you up half as bad, but the Blairs... let's just say it is more than double the pain you would receive mouthing off to the Toronto Police department during a peace protest.

For something more along the lines of good hot wings, you would be better off staying away from everything I have already mentioned.  Far, far away.  Your best bet in that catagory is going with something like "Dave's Insanity".  It is up to around 180,000 on the heat scale.  Throw a couple of drops in a gallon of wing sauce (READ: 2 drops, NO MORE) and watch your friends writhe on the floor in pain at the next sporting event you host.  

A couple of years ago I had a drop of Dave's on the end of a toothpick.  Remember, this is only a fraction of the Blairs and 18/100's of the Ghost Chili.  Let's just say, for the entire next morning, I was butthurt.  You know... to hell with the text descriptions.  Let's take a look at what eating a hot pepper can do to you with visuals...

Much lulz to be had there.  Anyways, remember this; what those guys just ate was only 1/16 the power of the Chemical Compounds listed second and third respectively.  1/16.  That is the difference between being punched in the face by a cancer patient and Mike Tyson's meaner older brother who has a penchant for brass knuckles.  

Until next time, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM BLAIRS 16 MILLION PRODUCTS.  If you do happen to think you're a bad ass though, please send me the video.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

9 Ways Sarah Palin Would Have Embarrassed Us Had McCain Been Elected

1.  Called a press conference to denounce Canada

Late one night in early January, after ordering Canadian bacon and receiving 'ham', an outraged Vice-President Palin calls a press conference to denounce anything Canadian.  When informed that hockey, her kids favorite sport that none of them plays, was indeed Canada's national pastime, she had this to say; "..."

2.  Her husband embarrassed all men

All real men paused from chopping wood and facepalmed today when Mrs. Palin's husband, what's-his-name, took five across the eyes for having an opinion in front of his wife earlier today.  When asked for a comment, White House spokesman Rush Limbaugh held his tongue lest he be the next victim of the SarahSlap Express...

3.  Tried to drive to Puerto Rico

Awkward silence reigned early this afternoon as the Vice-Presidential motorcade halted in South Florida and embarrassingly had to turn around after finding out that Puerto Rico was actually farther from the coastline than the three inches shown on the map.  An unflinching Sarah Palin just shrugged and demanded the driver take her to Guatemala instead, since they were in the neighborhood...

4.  Tried to vote in the Senate

Former Presidential candidate, Senator Barrack Obama, in a long speech, explained to Vice-President Palin late last week that she actually couldn't vote on anything in the senate.  Her insistence that she was the 'leader' and he should just 'Respect her athoriti!' fell on deaf ears as the other senators were too busy laughing at Joe Biden's behind-the-podium mocking of all parties involved. 

5.  Had daughter's baby's daddy fired from being American

In a bold move this morning, the guy who knocked up the Vice-President's daughter was given his walking papers and a job mowing lawns in Siberia.  When asked for a comment, the VP's daughter immediately slept with the first reporter who asked and is now pregnant by some blogger in Pennsylvania.

6.  Declared war on teh interwebz

The internet collective laughed out loud for real last Thursday when Sarah 'a pig can wear lipstick' Palin declared war and sent troops to 'the tubez'.  Military leaders, while baffled at the decision, armed themselves with keyboards and got ready for battle.  "We will fight them, I guess in the forums?" a random General, who refused to be named, was heard to say...  

7.  Spent the stimulus money on dresses

Reports that the much awaited stimulus package set to be sent to taxpayers was spent on 'dresses and other pretty stuff' outraged reporters and the public alike early this weekend.  Fox news, however, complimented the Vice-President on her choices of accessories in a special report Sunday night.  While Tom Brokaw asked "What the fuck shit fuck shit?", Fox Reporter Sean Hannity chastised viewers for being poor.

8.  Mistaked China for Japan, condemned all Nintendo products as 'Communist'

In a move that shocked and confused little kids and adults alike, Vice-President Sarah Palin outlawed all sales of the popular Nintendo Wii a few hours ago, commenting that 'those commies will no longer be allowed to pedal their wares to our young children!"  When told that Japan was not a communist country and... 'um... wtf?', she promptly responded by citing John McCains war record and saying the words 'hockey mom' 15 times before the news reporters just decided 'fuck it, I'm going home."   

9.  New email address:

Armed with a new password question that she swore no one would ever guess, VP Palin opened up her new free account last Tuesday and began sending notices to all her MySpace friends.  Three hours later, her entire contact list was sent pictures of herpes infected penises.  A 16 year old from Omaha was arrested Wednesday morning and sent to GITMO pending charges of 'Using Wikipedia for acts of terrorism'.   

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

9 Differences Between Imageboards and Real Life

1.  Women usually GTFO b4 tits

Though not always, a woman is most likely to walk away before she shows you her breasts when given the two options by a random stranger after trying to add her input to the conversation.  The 1% of the time she does choose option A, you are usually left asking yourself if the tits were worth her blabbering opinion anyways...  Protip: the answer is always 'no'.

2.  Encouraging suicide is not acceptable

Most times when you see a guy about to jump from a building or ready to take a dive off a bridge, the normal response is "It's not worth it man!", not "DO IT FAG!"  Like number one, however, there are exceptions.  Enron execs, Emos, and girls who gave you crabs are all fair game.  In those instances, a subtle little push is not out of the question...

3. Cats are boring creatures

Without the funny captions, cats just sit around, shit, and eat foodz.  Dogs are much funner to be around.  They show appreciation, like to play, and will bite the shit out of anyone trying to fuck with you or steal your shit.  In the latter case, a cat will just sit around, whore for attention, and maybe even help the thieves load the truck...

4.  We don't show up at people's funerals just to point and laugh

If funerals were held on the internet, imageboards would be all over it.  Myspace and Facebook pages are fair game though.  And 99% of the time the assholes deserve it, dead or not. For some of these fucks, if it did happen in real life it would be great justice.  Too bad none of us are members of the Westboro Baptist Church...

5.  Pools are hardly ever closed

Whereas in some places, it is always closed.  It is always because of teh AIDS.  For a reason I will not state here, AIDS seems to always affect the pool.  This rule, however, happens to have an exception as well.  Let's all have a laugh as we watch this (surpise!) Fox news report about pools and the closing thereof...

6.  When a girls disses you, your friends will help you get revenge

Another protip: you have no friends on Imageboards.  Make an ill-advised personal army request and just see what happens.  You may end up needing new curtains, having to buy a dog, and telling the whole thing to (suprise again!) Fox news.  You're better off just posting that bitches name and number on Craigslist with the caption "Free Pussy Tonight" and just knowing the lulz will happen.  

7.  There are girls in real life

It's true!  They are not just a rumor.  You can find them in places like shopping malls and tanning salons.  "But zero, what's a 'tanning salon'?"  Come on dude, don't bother me with trivial questions.  It is a place where cows go to get their hides branded with the name of the cowboy who owns them.  What women are doing there, I have no idea.  

8.  Most people can be proud of the places they visit

Rules 1 and 2.  Don't give me that "Only applies to raids, fag" shit either.  If you think putting the name of an imageboard on a t-shirt and wearing it in public makes you cool you are sadly mistaken.  The only possible outcome, other than someone kicking your ass like you deserve, is we find a pic, point, laugh, and tell you to GTFO.  You don't have to say it for people to know what you mean...

9.  You will not disappear simply by saying a name


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Why We Laugh When People Get Hurt

Old man fight

Guy hit with bat

Alien wake-up prank goes bad

Guy Gets kicked in balls

Those are some funny videos.  No one can deny that.  Some of them you may have seen before, some not.  Doesn't matter.  If you don't laugh at the point of impact, then you do once you see the guy writhing in pain.  As long as he is not dead or paralyzed, we laugh.  Sometimes, we even laugh then.  But why?

As it turns out, we aren't all just rotten fuckers who derive pleasure from the misfortune of others.  Or, actually, we are.  But it is not our fault.  It is the way our brain functions.

Science even has a term for it.  "Schadenfreude"  It is a German word that I swear doesn't mean "haha jew roast!"  Instead, it has something to do with 'enjoying the trivial suffering of others'.  Apparently, the Germans aren't the only ones to have a word for it.  Just about every single language humans speak has a term to describe what we on the internet refer to as 'lol pwnzd'.  

So why doesn't your girlfriend laugh when you get drunk and kick her brother in the balls?  Not surprisingly, it is a decidedly male trait. 

Our brains have what is called an 'empathy center'.  During several studies, scientists have found that this section, which some of those very same scientists believe is in the parietal cortex part of the brain, lights up during certain sets of circumstances.  The studies have found that this part of the brain lights up when we see what we perceive as 'bad' people get hurt.  However, in men, and not women, it also lights up when we see anyone get hurt, regardless of whether they are bad, good, or some dude we don't even know.

It may also have something to do with envy as well.  Those very same studies, that I keep quoting but won't link to because you have Google you fuckers, show that there might very well be a correlation between the misfortune that we have suffered ourselves and just wanting to see others go through it too.  Especially when we subconsciencly see those people as more successful than we are.  In other words, screw those guys for having more money/better cars/hotter girlfriends than we do, let them get kicked in the balls for our amusement.  

This makes sense.  I mean, how many of us laugh when a homeless man takes a unprovoked shot from a rich pompous bastard?  Not many, most of us wish the ill will on the perpetrator, seeing as how we don't see the homeless man as having something we wish we did.  Unless we see ourselves as worse off than the homeless man, and in that case it is damn funny. 

This also explains why we don't like to see animals get hurt, but a human doesn't bother us.  We see animals as innocent creatures undeserving of spontaneous violence.  Humans, however, as we explained earlier, are by nature rotten bastards who deserve everything they get.  Unless... of course, they are less well off than we are.  At least the male ones anyways.

To sum this all up in one simple sentence: We laugh because that is how evolution made us.

Websites All Pirates Should Bookmark

The Pirate Bay

Of course.  Since the murder of Torrentspy, this has been the top dog of all torrent sites.  However, lately they have been close to suffering the same fate.  With the owners facing a vacation in the big house, now is the time to get what you can and get the fuck out.  All good things come to an end and all good torrent sites eventually get shut down.  Lucky for us there will always be someone to take their place.  Like your mom did with the town slut back in the early eighties.

Probably one of the best search engines for streaming sites anywhere, ever.  If it is out there, these guys know about it and have it cataloged and voted on.  They have a pretty active community and usually more than one source for the movies listed.  Protip: avoid Megaupload links.  You can only watch about 45 minutes before they try to make you pay.  Just like your mom.

A smaller site that I'm surprised not many people know about.  Just about every movie that passes through the internet hits the front page for at least two or three days.  As a bonus, download links are usually faster than your mom after two drinks of gin.  

You can not find movies on this site, but you can find links to just about every site in the universe that you can find movies on.  When looking for a movie, I like to use this as a starting point.  Kind of like your mom when I'm looking for a hooker.

I'm often shocked at the amount of people who have no idea how rampant piracy runs on the world's greatest search engine.  If you know what your looking for you can find some real gems with a simple search.  Surprisingly, Google doesn't moderate for piracy as much as some of the smaller sites.  I don't think they are too worried about getting sued.  Unlike your mom after the great ought-six outbreak of herpes...

I know, the name sounds like a Thai hooker is trying to sell you divx movies, but this site has a pretty good selection.  (The mom jokes were getting lame so I threw some racism in there to throw you off)  The layout of the site is pretty good and the list of movies is sweet, sweet, scrolling goodness.  

While it does look like every other streaming site on the net, it does something that the others don't.  It automatically removes dead links.  This means you don't get all frustrated when you see a link to an old aliens flick you have been wanting to see for years and the god damn thing doesn't work, sending you into a whore slapping rage that your mom will never forgive you for.

Screw this site and the bitch who runs it.  Nothing ever fucking works.  Know what it is and steer your pirate ship elsewhere.

This isn't a site, but a free pro version of Limewire available to the masses.  Not that you couldn't just get the free version of Limewire and download the pro version from that, but you get the idea.  It just makes life a little easier.  Kind of like the credit card swiper down the back of your moms ass.

Thats the list.  Hope you found something new.  If you are left saying 'meh, I have already heard of all those...', well... fuck you, you ungrateful shit.   I hope you get raped ect.  Or you can be helpful and leave your favorite sites in a comment.  

Bonus for reading:  Link to new Star Trek Film:

Saturday, May 09, 2009

9 Reasons I Hate Chuck Norris

1. His internet fanboys

You know who I am talking about. Every now and then I will be in a chat room, minding my own business, trying to talk football or lolcats or naked breasts with a fellow interwebz dweller and some asshat will show up and be all like "Chuck Norris kicks your asses!" Chuck Norris is so old he cant even get out of bed anymore. You faggots need to go back to your "I heart teh 80's" irc fapfests and leave the rest of us to our sick porn and jokes that are actually funny.

2. Those fucking infomercials

How many times do they have to play before we all get 'perfect abs'? The answer is: more than any of us can ever stand. The Bowflex is a piece of shit machine made of two dollar rubber bands that totally unsuccesfully tries to steal the thunder of a bow and arrow. Whenever you have to steal the thunder of the oldest projectile weapon known to man, save throwing a rock at your enemy, you are reaching too far.

3. His acting

Chuck Norris played Chuck Norris in every movie he ever made. Granted, so does, Bruce Willis, but Bruce Willis is at least believable when his wife leaves him, his kids hate him, and terrorists die. There is a reason old Chuck has skipped every awards fest ever known to show business: he wasn't invited.

4. Worst. Internet. Meme. Ever.

As a collective, we have seen some pretty bad internet memes. I'm looking at you, THEBESTTHEBESTTHEBEST ECT. But even the most annoying of repeated phrases is 9000 times more tolerable than some gayboy prick acting like he is the king of the internet because he thinks sucking Chuck's e-penis makes him any cooler of an asshole than any of the rest of us. You can replace 'Chuck Norris' with 'Maddox' and the same rings true.

5. His beard isn't even awesome

Awesome man-beards have shown up throughout history. Abe Lincoln, William Riker, Sean Connery... notice how none of these belong to anyone who ever made a movie titled 'Missing in Action 9 1/2: Still cashing in on the Rambo craze 20 years later". It is a little known fact that Chuck's beard is nothing more than the embaressed chest hair that Bruce Lee ripped off in that movie so many years ago, too scared to ever show its face anywhere Bruce's hand once was.

6. He doesn't smoke cigarettes

Every bad ass in the history of the world has smoked cigarettes. The one exception is Bruce Lee, and that is only because he didn't smoke cigarettes, cigrettes smoked him. Do you see what I'm saying by how frickin lame those jokes are? They work like smoking crack out of a Pepsi bottle. They don't. How do I know that doesn't work? Let's just say college was a crazy time...

7. Name one movie he was in that didn't suck

Go ahead, we will all wait here while you frantically check IMDB. Ten minutes later, when you come back full of fail, we will all point and laugh while only slightly mentioning the fact that every movie Brad Pitt has made to date has been better than your mom's tits with a dollar in her g-string. It's cool, don't worry; we won't judge. We all had to do things we aren't proud of to pay for ramen at one point in life...

8. Chuck can't read

Why do you think I am writing this without fear of retribution? Have you ever seen 'The Best Damn Sports Show Period'? Did you see him try to read some of the Chuck Norris Facts? Not since Katie Couric made Sarah Palin eat shit has someone struggled so hard not to piss themselves in public. "Nay!" you say? lol, YouTube embed...

9. Chuck Norris has never won a word title in anything

Brock Lesnor, Eli Manning, Buster Douglas... what do all these guys have in common? They have all won a world title in something. Buster Douglas for fuck's sake. Any time you claim to be a bad ass and Buster Douglas is on a list that you are not, even Epic Fail Guy himself feels bad for you. Me, I just take a shit. I don't feel bad for anyone, I just take shits.