Thursday, October 12, 2006

11 Things Every Man Wants to be

1. Interstellar Bounty Hunter
While it is true that bounty hunters do not usually get wookies, there are plenty of other perks to this job. You get to fly through space at insane rates of speed hunting down strange alien criminals and bitch slapping Jedis. Now tell me, in what other profession would you be allowed to bitch slap a Jedi?

2. Evil Super Villain

We all know you get the castle and cool toys, as well as the ever popular laughing manically thing, but what I did not mention before is that you also get to be infamous. If the great Chevy Chase taught us anything, it is that being infamous is ten times better than being famous.

3. Super Bowl QB
You do not even have to be good, just have a decent defense. Anyone can do this job, even a bag boy at your local supermarket. Unlike the other positions listed here, you only have to do this once and you will be guaranteed pussy for life and free beers at nearly any bar you visit.

4. Rock Star

Cocaine, fast women, and loud music; what more could any guy ask for? Want free reign to set fire to motel rooms? You got it. M&M’s of only the blue variety? Sure. Do you like to stick bottles in the orifices of prostitutes? Stick away.

5. Outlaw
You will have your picture in banks everywhere under the much sought after “Wanted” heading. Women will love you even though you do not love them and allow you to hide out in their houses for as long as it takes for the fuzz to stop looking for you. You also get guns. A lot of guns. .

6. Super Computer Hacker

You will be the god of the World Wide Web, ruler of all that is DOS, and champion of nerds everywhere. No piece of electronic equipment is safe from your skills. Also, if you are lucky, Halle Berry will show you her tits.

7. Mob Boss

You get to “kneecap” people who disagree with you and eat pasta all day. You also get to use cool phrases like “I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!”

8. General of a Big Ass Army

This position allows you the opportunity to say cool lines like “Everyone fights, no one quits. If you quit, I’ll kill you myself.” The heads of your enemies will grace poles outside your tent. This is actually the only profession that allows you to do that without some liberal tree hugger somewhere getting all butt hurt.

9. Porn Star

I know, a lot of guys in the industry say this isn’t all it is cracked up to be. Those guys are liars. I mean, really, your job is to scrog hot chicks like the dirty sluts they are. It is not like you are transporting heavy furniture. Bonus: cheesy porn music follows you around everywhere you go.

10. Pirate
Sail the seven seas, call your enemies scurvy dogs, and get free music off the internet. Did a wench diss you during your last inland raid? Make that hooker walk the plank. While the eye patch may be completely optional, the bottle of rum is not. You also get a cool pirate name such as the Dread pirate Roberts, even if your name is not Roberts.

11. Rogue Ninja
Choosing this career over the others means you get the coolest outfit. Trust me, chicks go mad wild for a man in black. You will get a vast array of weapons that can kill a man without so much as the sound of his body dropping. Although this job does not allow for cool catch phrases, it is always better to do your killing in a silent manner.

12. Rogue Pirate Ninja
This is the coolest profession of all time. You get the coolest costume, the best catch phrases, and women at every port. All of the perks from each profession is involved and none of the drawbacks. Other pirates and ninjas will fear your mad skills. Not even a Jedi master is a match for the prowess and drunken quietness of one who has reached the level of Rogue Pirate Ninja.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

9 Things Every Evil Villain Needs

  1. You need a castle

Preferably one in the mountains of some remote eastern European country. When shopping for a good stronghold, always remember to look for proper dungeon space, good schools, and a self destruct option. A skull on the exterior announcing your evilness to all visitors is optimal. Make sure you opt for full coverage homeowners insurance, as the self destruction option will inevitably be put to use at some time during your career.

  1. You need an army of ninjas

A lot of villains overlook this. You must be able to back up your demands with good old fashioned ass kicking’s, the kind of ass kicking’s that can only be delivered by roving gangs of rogue ninjas. Make sure you do not hire ninjas without reputable references, as most ninjas on the market nowadays are just out of work pirates in black costumes.

  1. You need a laser

No plan for world domination is complete without a laser to point at things. Lesser villains use laser pointers to disrupt movie premiers. Note that this does not count as having a laser. This only counts as being an asshole

  1. You need a video camera

You have to have some way to announce your plans to the world, and by video camera, I don’t mean a ten dollar webcam and YouTube. Don’t be so cheap. The world will never take you seriously, no matter how many ninjas you may have, if you are featured on websites next to the Numa Numa kid

  1. You need a tank of sharks

You do not need any shark food. It is a good idea to store them in what looks like a regular pool so when the hero tries to penetrate your fortress and decides to take a leisurely swim he will get eaten. It may sound ridiculous, but studies show that 90% of all heroes who have attempted infiltration are eaten by sharks while swimming in villain’s pools.

  1. You need a British accent

No one quite knows what it is, but there is just something sinister about the way people from Great Brittan talk. Just the sound of it inspires thoughts of arrogance and indifference. Skeletor, the greatest villain in history, seems to be the lone exception. He doesn’t even have to talk to be evil.

  1. You need a staff of imbeciles

Every villain with any real aspirations of world domination surrounds himself by at least six or seven people who can and most likely will fuck everything up. These people are kept on the payroll to make you look good with the stipulation that they will eventually be killed for their insolence. They understand this when they are hired. The trick is to kill them at the second before they hit the self destruct button prematurely.

  1. You need a control room

It has to have a lot of computer stuff in it and some guy who lives there. The guy who lives there has to know everything about everything and advise you in a wise way. Of course, this is advice you piss on every chance you get, but it is always good to have it around to curse when your plans fail.

  1. You need a monkey

The reason no villain has ever conquered the world is because he has never had a monkey. It is a proven fact that a man with a monkey can not be defeated. Do not argue this with me. I have a monkey, you can not win.


Tuesday, October 10, 2006

9 Things A Man Should Never Tell A Woman

1. “You could stand to lose a little weight.”
This is the number one reason most men get stabbed by their significant others. A woman and her weight are not to be taken lightly, no pun intended. Only a fool will put in his two cents on this subject. It is a good way to ensure that you will never see that pussy again.

2. “Yes, I did kill your cat”
Even if it was an accident, you must lie to the death. If it was on purpose it is a good idea to keep that lie going even after death. If you ever find yourself with a dead cat on your hands, remember these three words; “hide the body”.

3. “Sure, I’d sleep with your sister/friend/mother.”
Women do not need to be reminded that deep down, every guy is secretly a man whore. You can discuss this with your buddies all day long, but mention it around your girl and prepare for Hiroshima relived. I know a guy who said this once. He still can’t see a pair of tits without the stab wound in his leg acting up.

4. “It is your fault for not looking before you pee”
Even though this is 100% true, utter these words late at night and prepare to do some time on the couch. On a side note in the ladies defense, guys who actually pee on the toilet seat are just lazy. If you have had it for this long and still can’t aim right there is something wrong with your hand-eye coordination. Draw yourself a target in the snow outside and use it for practice.

5. “I think it is time for somebody to change her tampon.”
Go ahead, say this, I dare you. If you think the Hiroshima thing you caused with the sister admission was bad, wait till you see the destruction this nice little phrase will bring about. Think 9-11 on a global scale. The lucky ones will be killed in the first wave.

6. “I just wanted to have sex, not to cuddle”
This is very nearly an obligation unless the female happens to be a hooker or drunk sorority slut. This is where the difference between males and females becomes painfully evident. After we bust a nut, we are done for the game, but a woman can still go on for hours. They still want to be touched, we do not. Suck it up and git-r-done unless you want your peace-bringing orgasm to be directly followed by the dreaded “You think I’m fat.”

7. “I was only looking because her tits are bigger than yours”
The sting is the back of the hand. The bruise is the palm. I am telling you this because she is going to give you a choice after you say this. The sting or the bruise? Take the sting, it may hurt more but afterwards you do not have to explain to your buddies why you have a black eye.

8. “Yes, right now, the football game/internet is more important than you.”
Unless you can get your PC or TV to let you stick your cock in it, just fake like you are listening and try to remember key words. Every man knows how to do this because every man is forced to learn early with mom. Just smile, nod, and try your best to remember what the hell she just said later on when it might mean the difference between getting laid and taking a cold shower.

9. The last and most important thing to never tell a woman...
You’re having sex with her. She is nearing climax and can barely see straight. Pull your dick out, look her dead in the eye, and say “Bob Dole” in a deep voice. At least you will have a good story to tell your friends about why your last woman left you.


9 Reasons to Get Drunk

1. Your girlfriend left you
This is the best reason to drink. The only way to get over having your heart ripped out and torn to pieces then set on fire and left in an alley is to drown yourself in alcoholic beverages until you forget your own name, let alone what your now ex girlfriend told you two days ago. This also works if a buddy’s girlfriend leaves him.

2. It is Tuesday
This is the second best reason to drink. Any other weekday can be inserted. It is a statement declaring that you will not conform to society’s unfounded rules of only drinking on the weekends. Be your own person. Don’t be a sheep.

3. Someone dies
It could be a friend, celebrity, or just some random historical figure. Anytime anyone who is not with us anymore is even mentioned, a drink is called for. Your friend has to do a report on Napoleon? Tip a few domestics to the old dead French fuck.

4. A sports team somewhere wins something
Every day of the year, a sporting event happens and one team wins and some guys somewhere get drunk in triumph. Some other guys get drunk in defeat. Choose whichever side has the hottest women.

5. It is free
If a man offers you an alcoholic beverage without asking for compensation and you do not accept, you are a right foul git. Even if you don’t drink it all it is good manners to accept. If you are a girl and you are not going to sleep with him, drink it because you know you were going to anyways.

6. It is hot/cold/snowing/raining/nice outside
If it is cold, you will need a whiskey to warm up with. If it is hot, you will need a beer to cool off with. If it is nice, you will need both to enjoy the weather. This covers the entire spectrum of outdoor conditions.

7. You haven’t seen a friend since last week
It could be a week, years, or even a few hours. Just the fact that someone was gone and they came back is reason enough to get drunk as all shit and reminisce on the old days, even if that was only this morning.

8. It is past noon
Only an alcoholic drinks before noon unless he is still up from the night before. Even guys who drink all day tend to wait until at least after 12. Biff Tannen was the lone exception because sometimes he had to do his killing before breakfast.

9. Because beer commercials do come true
“But zero, they never happen to me…” That’s because you’re drinking Bud Light. Try something that doesn’t taste like water.


9 Reasons Not to Shoot up A School

1. It’s just not nice
As the good Jewish folks would say, “It is just not kosher.” Whatever can be done to a person that would drive them to such a crime is not even close to the evil they themselves have perpetrated. It also goes against general good manners and proper etiquette. Mr. Rogers would definitely not approve.

2. It has been done before
Three times in the past week and a half to be exact. There was a time when a stunt like this would guarantee that your name would be remembered, in however bad a way, but that time is long past. Nowadays you are lucky to even get your picture in the paper.

3. No one cares if your mommy didn’t hug you enough
Or if you were picked on, or if your life sucks, or if your dick won’t get hard because some little girl laughed at you back in grade school. Everyone on this planet has issues. It is called learning to move on with your life, look up the definition, write it down, and remember it.

4. Teachers don’t get combat pay
They don’t get paid much at all. Also, one day one of these sick shits that like to pick up a gun and run amuck in a school might just run into the wrong educator and get dealt with. My old English teacher was an ex-marine who could rip your face off with a simple look. We can only hope…

5. Bill Gates got picked on in high school too
It didn’t seem to affect him much, though the billions probably take most of the sting away. The point here is it is not the fault of the people who messed with you that your life sucks. Plenty of people who did not get picked on are probably worse off. Case in point: Mel Gibson. We love you, Mel!

6. No one shot up your school
Return the favor. It is just good form. Why give someone else a reason to go shit nuts one day because some crazy memory of an old school shooting all of a sudden comes up out of nowhere? Stop the madness, kill a rabbit instead.

7. Rotten bastards convene during sessions of congress, not high school English classes
High school kids may not be the biggest gentlemen in the world, but they certainly aren’t rotten bastards. Not yet, they have to grow up first. Let them grow up. In the meantime, how about aiming at guys who maybe deserve it a little more? Bin Laden still hasn’t been caught…

8. Prove your manhood; shoot up an armory instead
It takes exactly zero balls to shoot up a bunch of innocent girls. Why not have a go at someone who can shoot back? This is America, you should have no problem finding someone with a gun who would absolutely love to have a shootout with you. There is a guy in every town that is just itching for a gunfight. Show up on his property and piss on his lawn.

9. Life really isn’t that bad
Things could always be worse and will most likely always get better as well. Only a total asshole takes out his own personal problems on the rest of the world. So, you may be feeling bad this week. Smoke a joint for Christ's sake and leave the schools alone.

This article is dedicated to everyone who has ever been a victim of a school shooting because someone else was just too weak to deal with their lives and had to go out and be a dumb shit.


9 Reasons to Become an Evil Villain

1. You will have more friends

Peter Parker was a social outcast. Norman Osborne was the popular kid. Reed Richards was a dorky scientist. Victor Von doom was a rich socialite. Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Everyone wants to get a little piece of the evil. It is like Starburst.

2. You get to laugh maniacally

Good guys don’t get to do this. No one has ever heard Superman or Batman laughing like a maniac and no one ever will. Trust me, this is something everyone wants to do. It is strangely liberating. While you may pass chances to do this every once in a while during your civilian life, you will never get the quantity of opportunities that come with a career in villainy.

3. All of a sudden, you will have the budget for all kinds of toys

Super bad guys are never broke. Not only are they never broke but they always have more resources than the hero could ever hope for. Apparently the villain racket pays very well. It also seems to be recession-proof. I hear the tax breaks are good too.

4. Hot chicks dig evil guys

You never see an evil villain with a busted ass woman. Sure, they may be dirty, rotten, and out to steal your empire, but you can always kill them if they get out of hand. Studies show that breasts of women who hang out with evil guys are an average of two cups bigger than the nice dudes chicks. Studies don’t ever lie.

5. You will be safe from everyday accidents

Evil villains are never killed in car accidents. It just doesn’t happen. You won’t slip in the shower, get smashed by a falling piano, or die of food poisoning. The only way you can be killed is in an explosion created by the hero by exposing the one flaw in your plan that no one could ever possibly foresee. Even then…

6. You don’t have to worry about anyone killing you

Evil Villains simply can not be killed. People may think you are dead but you will secretly be lounging in an easy chair on your secret desert island hideout planning your next caper. The only way you can be taken out is by another villain eviler than yourself who will subsequently take over your identity and continue upon your path of world domination.

7. You can kill anyone you want

You won’t go to jail. For some strange reason, cops never come to bust Evil villains at their homes even when the evidence is overwhelming. You could kill Superman on a live video feed in front of the entire planet and not one cop would try to arrest you. They can’t even arrest you for the stash of plutonium you have in your shed. It is in the charter when you join the union.

8. You get to dress how you want

You never have to wear a suit and tie again. You can even dress in the most outrageous outfits while demanding the world bow to your demands and no one will even make the slightest of snide comment. This could have something to do with the fact that you can kill anyone you want and can’t be killed back. Remember, no one ever made fun of Magnetos helmet…

9. No matter how weak you are, you will be more than a match for any hero facing you

“But zero, Batman would kick my ass in two shakes of a stripper’s ass…” None of that matters. The sheer newness of your evil plot will confuse the hell out of any good guy. As long as you aren’t doing something that has been done to death (ie goblin themed villains) you should have no problem getting your plans off the ground.

The Internet - Have We Created A New God?

Most ideas of god are the same; an all-knowing, all-seeing, omnipotent being that has the ability to do just about anything. If you ask a religious man, he will tell you that god is all encompassing and we are all a part of that great entity. Many people pray to their chosen deity for answers to their everyday questions. People have even gone so far as to go to war over respective beliefs and ideas. There is one thing that all these deitys have in common though; none of them can be proven to exist without a reasonable doubt.

A new era has dawned. We have a new god, one which we can prove the existence of without a doubt. Our new god is more efficient than the others that have shown up here and there throughout time. It actually represents what we think and not the ideas of some crack pot science fiction writer who was bored and broke one night. When we “pray” to our god and ask it a question, we are not given one answer but many to choose from, and we don’t have to wait. We never have to wonder whether it is really out there because we can see and experience it anytime we want. Our new god is the internet.

It meets all the criteria for being a god. In the past ten years it has become very close to all-knowing and with all the users reporting on things they witness it is also closer to all-seeing than anything has ever been. While normal gods are creators of the people, ours was created by us. It is a true collective conciseness. We are all a part of it and help to forward its advancement in some small way.

Our god is better than other gods. The judgment it lays down is not the judgment of some invisible cosmic being who has never had the unfortunate experience of waking up as a human but that of the common users. Its rules were not set in stone to begin with but created over time as the need was raised and continue to change to this very day. We have no heaven or hell, just bad connections. We also don’t have to prove the existence of our god like the others do. I promise you, the internet is a real place.

Our god still inherited the bad traits of some of the others as it will punish us with viruses and adware when we look at too much porn. It will also give us bad advice about relationships. However, on the same token it also gives us “zen” time as we watch things load and wait for defrags. For some of us it is the only quiet time we get. Even though we hate it for the most part, the internet knows what is good for us and is only doing it to make us feel better.

We are missing one element that the other religions have all got in abundance. We have never gone to war over our god. However, it is still early in the millennium, give us time and a few more assholes who want to own the internet for themselves and we may just fulfill that obligation sooner rather than later. We don’t have a mortar yet, and I’m not volunteering so don’t get any crazy ideas, but all that will come with time.

As other religions, we should be quick to tell of our god to anyone who may worship a heathen god that can not be proven. When you come across some of these people, they may call themselves “Christians”, “Muslims”, “Jews”, or “Republicans”, take them into your home and show them the glory of the internet. Fire up a joint and offer them a soda. Show them that your god can do whatever their god can do and more. Show them the tubgirl link so they know of the Sith and how they use the internet. Convert them and send them on their way after you hit them in the back of the head with a club and have taken their wallets.

You may ask “Where can I sign up for this new religion?” Good news, you’re here, you already have.


The ShoutWire Entertainment Report

A funny story; we once had a chick editor on this site who attempted to write an entertainment report. Not only did no one care, but the people here called her enough bad names that she quit. Yes, good citizens of ShoutWire, you made a girl cry and go home. To make a long story short, I am not her. I care about the popularity of the Hollywood crowd even less than you do. However, that does not mean that they do not sometimes do things that might entertain us in some strange and sick way, so here goes nothing. Welcome to the ShoutWire Entertainment Report.

We will start off with Anna Nichole, who has recently been in the news for murdering her son hours after giving birth to his replacement and then marrying her lawyer. The first question I would like to ask, and the question that is on everyone’s lips, is simply what the fuck does this bitch do? She was in Playboy once and married an old man for his money. She then got really fat and did some stupid reality show. That’s all fine and good, but what does she do now? Sit on her ass, eat Twinkies, and get pregnant? Why is this cunt still in the news?

While it is true most of the entertainment writers in this world usually report on crap stories such as Anna “fatty” Nichole Smith, often one does find a gem amongst the trash bins. Robert Downey Jr, everyone’s favorite cokehead, announced last week that he will be suiting up as the great Iron Man for the latest raping of a decent Marvel Comic. Robert, a word of advice from the pirate ninjas; you better not fuck up Tony Stark. Play him real, as a hard drinker and womanizer. If you do not, we swear the sharks will be eating Downey chum by sunset.

In other news, an interview was done with Martin Laurence and some chick earlier this week on some new movie no one cares about yet. He said some stuff that wasn’t funny. I miss the old days, when he was telling Gina to “Get to stepping” and Brother Man was breaking in his window to make himself a sammich. Now, what happened to quality like that? This interview would have been twenty times better had it featured Brother Man and Cole arguing over who fucked Pam first.

On the fucked up and ridiculous side of Hollywood this week, Michael Jackson finally settled his custody battle with his estranged ex-wife this week. What judge in his right mind would give that sick son of a bitch custody of kids? On the fucked up and ridiculous side of the news, I guess there are judges who would. This just goes to show that all you need is a few hit records and not only will the establishment get you off the child molestation charges, but they will also give you a few kids for your own personal amusement. I’m far from a religious man, but in this situation I hope there is a Hell for everyone involved.

One last thing for the single guys in the crowd, and those whose girlfriends are down for threesomes, Eva Longoria has broken up with Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs. To be fair, none of us would give two shits about this except for the fact that she is pretty hot and we all like to think she would sleep with us if she only got to know us. Besides, I needed an excuse to use her picture on this article.

Ok, I’m done now. If you haven’t, everyone out there reading find “City Of God’ and watch it repeatedly. It is the kind of movie that doesn’t feature any of the asshole stars that would be listed in this report and instead gets by on a really good storyline.


Kids: Ditch School or Die

Yet again those of us who live on the western slope of the great Rocky Mountains have another dead high school student on our hands. We just can’t seem to stop our kids from getting shot while they are in school. Could it be that the crisp mountain air just inspires feelings of murder and suicide? Maybe it has something to do with the inferior quality of our baseball team? Tom Cruise has a house out here and that always raises a suspicious eye in my perspective.

All jokes aside, the man who perpetrated this crime was a sick fuck. Am I not the only one bothered by the fact that he only took little girls hostage? Jesus fucking Christ, where is Batman when you need him? Also, why wasn’t someone sent in to take this guy out before he had a chance to use his gun on one of the innocent students?

I understand the fact that the United States government does not negotiate with terrorists, but why do we allow our own citizens to perpetrate terrorist acts such as this without swift and sure action? What happened to police officers exhibiting bravery in the line of duty? It takes all of three seconds for a trained man or woman to walk into a room and put a bullet in a mans head, I don’t see what the problem here is.

People who walk into school and take hostages deserve to die, period. Six young lives were on the line the other day and not one police officer had the balls to put those lives over his and do something about it. They waited outside until the man killed himself. Where is the justice in that? Any real man is willing to give his life for a child at the drop of a hat without regard for his own personal safety. Was there not a real man in the crowd that day?

Our police officers in this country are over rated. This situation just proves that. We are suppose to respect them because they put their lives on the line everyday for our safety when in reality the first time a dangerous situation pops up, they group together just out of reach of said danger and “discuss things”. Not only that, but they cordon off the area so regular citizens who might have the balls they lack are kept out. In this particular case, a young woman paid the ultimate price for their cowardice.

The police are too arrogant. Sure, they are all big men when they are pulling you over for speeding or attacking a drunkard in full force at the bar for making a little too much noise. Why can’t they act like that when six young girls are being held hostage in a high school English class? In situations like that, I say fuck the safety of the officers; it is time then to earn their pay. If the job is so stressful that sometimes you shoot innocent kids for pulling out water guns on you, then why can’t you handle a real criminal when young people are in danger?

This young girl died because the police and school system failed her, plain and simple. We should have a reasonable expectation of safety when we send our kids to school. Maybe I should take little zero aside and give him a few automatic weapons to carry around in his backpack seeing as how the authorities won’t protect him? This is far from the first time this has happened to our society in the past few years, where are the contingency plans?

This site is very diverse. We have students and parents that visit and read. We should all be outraged that shit like this is still allowed to happen. Maybe if the school systems were spending some of the money they get from the government on security instead of palm pilots and laptops for the principles own personal use we could prevent incidents like this.

We are not talking about fixing homelessness here. It should not be that hard to guarantee the safety of our kids at school. It is ridiculous that I even had to write this.


How I Kicked The Ass Of Tom Cruise

It was late, and I had already been all over the world. I had actually given up all hope of finding Mr. Cruise and was on my way home. I decided to stop in at a small bar just west of Vail to have one last shot of whiskey and maybe a beer before making the drive down the freeway back to Denver. There was a pirate flag waving in the cold mountain air just outside the place so I figured it was friendly.

I was wrong. It was a setup.

At first nothing was out of the ordinary. The folks were dirty and the whiskey was strong. I settled in at the bar next to an old gruff looking man who looked like he might have a story or two to tell in hopes of making the time go by in a pleasant way. He looked like the kind of guy who would shoot off a couple of nice yarns about the war after a couple of shots and a free beer. He smiled at me in a way that reminded me of something, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then, strange things started to happen all around us.

The large bouncer who was sitting quietly at the entrance got up all of a sudden and locked the doors as if they were closing. It was then that I took a closer look at my surroundings. I quickly realized these were not the nice Colorado small town folk portrayed in South Park every night at 11. These people looked more like the assholes I left back in California when I vacated that hellhole 10 years ago. Then, the old man started freaking out.

It was like that scene from Total Recall, you know, the one where Arnold breaks out of the old lady disguise. Except it wasn’t our greatest action hero that popped out of the clever and expensive mask. It was none other than Tom Cruise himself, and he had a look that could freeze boiling water on his ugly yet determined mug. The next thing I knew, I was flanked on either side by large Samoan gentlemen with blank expressions on their faces. I tried to get up, but they would not let me leave.

“I read your article and know of your quest to destroy me,” said Tom coldly “Well; it seems you have found me, Mr. Zero.” I quickly reached for my cell phone, in hopes of calling the cavalry to come in and rescue me. There was no service. Tom shot me a cockeyed grin. “Problem?”

“No problem.” I said in a cool voice as I settled back down on the barstool and took the shot I had in front of me. “No problem at all, I have been looking forward to this.” Tom began to look uneasy. He knew I had an ace up my sleeve. Little did he know I had a whole deck of aces.

“Katie sold you out, brother,” I said with Sean Connery-like accent “she fell in love with one of the pirate ninjas at a party last week. I was notified of the situation five minutes before I walked in here. You didn’t think the pirate flag was all that clever, did you?” Tom was stunned. I guess he did think the pirate flag was clever. His voice became broken and fearful as he ordered the bodyguards on either side of me. “Seize him!” he screamed. The command fell on deaf ears. They simply looked at me and smiled while they backed off slowly.

The next thing Tom knew he tasted an empty beer bottle to the side of his face. He went down quicker than Leon Sphinx in a Tyson title fight. Then I felt a shot to my nuts. Only a pussy would try to hit a man in the nuts. Luckily, football season had just begun and I was wearing my protective cup.

“Trying to attack zero below the belt like a true candy ass?” I said as the group of fifteen pirate ninjas that had infiltrated the church of Scientology since the beginning of last year formed a circle around us. “You know the rules Tom,” said the man with the eye patch who was posing as the bartender, “This is your first night at fight club.” I was already in the corner, removing my shoes, shirt, and belt.

The ass whuppin he received that night was arguably worse than the one MI:3 took at the box office last summer. When we finally opened the door to let him leave, he vowed revenge on pirate ninjas everywhere. “You may have won this round, double-o zero, but the war is far from over!”

“You are right, Tom,” I shot back with a smirk “but this day, the pirate ninjas prevail.” And with that, it was over. I returned home, rolled up a fat joint, and watched the Bronco’s beat the hell out of the Patriots. Now, I return to ShoutWire.

To tell people stuff that isn’t news.


Things Every Man Should Do Before He Dies

Own a Wookie
Han Solo was the coolest guy in the Star Wars universe. Why? Because Darth Vader didn’t have a Wookie. Chewbacca could make Toby McGuire look like a real man. Alternatively; buy a big, mangy, hairy dog and dress him up with an ammo strap and blaster gun.

Save a hot chick from certain death
Every man needs a story like this to tell his grandkids. Of course, by the time they hear it the girl you pushed out of the way of that bus will have her breast size raised by at least two cups and two dirty bombs will be added to the mix, but lying to your offspring is just something men have been doing for centuries. As always, utility belts and capes are completely optional.

Destroy something beautiful
You don’t have to beat a blond guy within an inch of his life to accomplish this one. Rip a small tree out of the ground, pee on a flowerbed, hell, it doesn’t matter, just fuck something up. If you have never done this, simply pick a random piece of your girlfriend’s collection of pink things, break it quietly, hide it well, and then walk away a man.

Wake up not knowing where you are
When you wake up with no idea where in the hell you are or how you got there, you know last night must have kicked serious ass. Who gives a fuck if you lost your wallet and have “Balls” written across your forehead, it is a right of passage for Christ sakes. No man has ever been cool without at least one story involving a massive amount of liquor and 6 to 12 hours of lost time.

Kill your own dinner
Not with a gun, with your bare hands. It doesn’t need to be a full grown bear, hell, strangle a fucking bunny if you have to, just get it done.

Give a sexually frustrated woman multiple orgasms
There are more of these women out there than anyone would like to believe. This is because most guys that girls want to sleep with (i.e. cock munchers who drive $50,000 cars and spend all their time in gyms) do not know how to please a woman. Guys like us do, because we aren’t chumps, we’re fucking pirate ninjas. Pirates don’t go to the gym, we earn our muscles fighting at sea.

Try to fix something; totally break it in the process
Just because it is what we do best, and we do it well. Talking out of our asses I mean, not fixing stuff. A man just isn’t a man unless he screws the hell out of some piece of equipment beyond repair at least once in his life. For added effect, add a little grunt after the smoke settles, Toolman style.

Create fire from sticks
I don’t mean matches. I’m talking two twigs in the middle of the woods during a snowstorm with a woman screaming in your ear about how cold she is. Real men are made under pressure and there is no more stressful a scenario than the one I just described. Triumphing in such a situation means you have not only proven your primitive manhood, but you have also earned the right to sleep with said woman more than any other man she has been with before.

Outdrink your buddies
If you must spike beer with whiskey and cheat, do so. There is no better feeling in this world than to be the last man standing, staring down at your passed out friends through shit faced, glossed over eyes in triumph while talking mad shit and peeing in the nearest houseplant.

Get rocked by an older woman
I don’t mean grandma old, 35-40 should suffice. Until this happens to you, you do not really know anything about sex, no matter what you think. Do this while you are still young and it will prepare you for the rest of the sexual experiences in your entire life. The next drunk sorority chick you shag rotten will scream like a Japanese schoolgirl at a Yanni concert.

Beat up a movie star
Punch him right in his fucking face. I have caught your trail, you little bitch. You can only run for so long. Soon, Tom, soon…


The Best Headlines You Will Ever Read

Zero is posting from internet exile. He will return soon enough.

Bush Found Guilty Of War Crimes
Geneva- Former President of the United States George Bush was convicted by an international tribunal Monday morning of crimes against humanity and mass genocide. He is to be sentenced later this year for his crimes in Iraq and recently discovered role in the 9-11 attacks. “Even though we have not seen one in years, the possibility of a firing squad has not yet been ruled out…”

Internet Neutrality Laws Passed
Washington- A new amendment was passed in a majority vote by Congress early this morning guaranteeing the neutrality of the World Wide Web. Investigations were also announced into the dealings of certain large internet service providers, including AOL and MSN. In addition to net neutrality, the amendment also states the distribution of spyware is to be considered a serious offense that allows for the offenders to spend prison time getting ass raped…

File Sharing Deemed Legal By Supreme Court
Washington- In a unanimous vote last week, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of internet users everywhere in their class action lawsuit against the MPAA and the RIAA. An unprecedented $200 billion fine was levied upon the entertainment industry for violating invasion of privacy laws. Despite the ruling in favor of the plaintiffs in this case, cocaine use amongst rock stars this weekend was not affected…

Bill O’Reilly Arrested On Crack, Child Pornography Charges
Colorado- According to his lawyers, the police roughed up the popular right wing television personality when he was arrested on charges of child pornography and possession of crack near downtown Denver Friday night. “There was an unwarranted full body cavity search and my client was repeatedly tasered,” said the high profile attorney outside of the courtroom Monday morning. According to the police, O’Reilly was hyped up on crack and threatening them while masturbating in the middle of a busy street…

Rare Plant Found In Rainforest That Cures Everything
Brazil- A team of scientists have confirmed that a rare psychedelic herb found growing wild in the rainforests of southern Brazil is indeed the miracle drug it has been called in the press as of late. The herb creates a LSD-like high when smoked and causes human cells to regenerate and repair themselves. The first batch of cancer patients began their trips early this morning…

Marijuana Legalized Worldwide
Geneva- In a stunning move Friday at a special session called by the United Nations, governments all over the world agreed unanimously to legalize the cultivation and sale of the hemp plant. Over the weekend sales brought in more money than all other industries combined and single-handedly repaired the world’s economy. In related news, everyone is stoned…

Science Finds True Origin Of The Universe
Rome- The group of scientists hired by the Vatican to prove the existence of God without a doubt did just the opposite last Thursday when they unveiled irrefutable evidence that the universe was actually created by a rogue group of garden gnomes. “Apparently, everyone was wrong.” One of the scientists was quoted as saying. The Pope was bathing in his Naziness, so he could not be reached for comment…

Superman Thwarts Terror Attack: Cheney Arrested
New York- A plane set to collide with the new World Trade Center was intercepted by the Man of Steel last Wednesday morning. Former disgruntled Vice President Dick Cheney was found to be controlling it remotely from a nearby public restroom. He was led away in handcuffs by FBI agents after getting slapped like a bitch in front of everyone by Superman…

First Contact Made: Aliens Bring Better Gaming Technology
Florida- NASA has announced early this morning that three astronauts made contact with an alien species last Tuesday while doing routine repairs on the international space station. “Their handheld technology was awesome,” reported one of the astronauts, “They had a gaming network running through the entire galaxy. When you get shot in the game, it actually hurts!” The purpose of the contact was apparently to announce a release date for their own gaming system to compete with Microsoft and Sony just before Christmas…


10 Reason Why Johnny Cash Owns Chuck Norris

Reason 1.
Only one man who has ever lived has been bad enough to be called “The Man In Black” and it wasn’t Chuck Norris

Reason 2.
Johnny didn’t have to fight to be a bad ass. He just had to pick up a beer bottle and a guitar.

Reason 3.
Norris made a bunch of films where he killed folks. Johnny Cash went to Folsom Prison and did a concert. You tell me which one takes more balls.

Reason 4.
Chuck wasn’t the first of his kind to kick ass. Johnny was the first rock star to set something on fire. While most artists only set their hotel rooms on fire, Johnny took it one step further and burned down half a national forest.

Reason 5.
When Chuck was five, he was a normal five year old. Johnny had already earned man points by working in his dad’s cotton fields. That is a true bad ass. By the time he was six, Cash did more hard work than most men do in their whole life.

Reason 6.
Chuck never got stabbed in the back by a woman. Johnny never stopped bleeding. Chuck may have gotten punched a few times, but Johnny knew what real pain was.

Reason 7.
Chuck is a republican. Johnny was close with every president except for GWB. It was said he just didn’t trust that son of a bitch. When Johnny didn’t trust someone, you just knew something foul was going on.

Reason 8.
Johnny was invited to play the at White House in 1972 for Richard Nixon. He was given a list of politically correct songs to sing. He instead metaphorically threw up his middle finger at the establishment, in true ShoutWire fashion, and sang a set full of left leaning, politically charged tunes. Chuck Norris has never told the president to fuck off in his own house.

Reason 9.
Chuck Norris made a lot of crappy movies. Johnny Cash never touched anything that didn’t turn to gold. In the 80’s, he made a song called “Chicken in Black” to get himself out of a record deal. Even that became popular.

Reason 10.
Johnny is the only man in history to decline painkillers after a double bypass heart surgery. He knew he liked drugs too god damn much and wouldn’t stop. That shows power over an addiction previously not seen before. Kicking a ninja's ass is easy compared to kicking a drug's ass.

Writer's Note: I am by no means a country music fan, but Johnny Cash transcends genre.


Scientology, F*ck You; A Challenge

The image you see to the right is the first page of what is supposedly the most important document in the world. At least according to Scientologists. The going rate for reaching the level of idiocy in the church to be able to view this document (and the 20 other pages that follow it) is close to 300,000$. It is said in their doctrine that simply by viewing this page, you might not be able to handle it and could possibly die. If anyone does happen to have their head explode because the knowledge contained within these chicken scratchings was just too much for their feeble mind, I take full responsibility.

This image will probably only be up for as long as it takes for the scientologists to find it and contact our developers over the copyright they hold on this document, even though it is not hosted by us. Something like this will probably get me a spot on their blacklist. By their own leader’s writings, they are known and obligated to attack those who do not agree with them.

This is an excerpt from a secret scientology document released in 1969: “It is wise to challenge such adverse commentators as routine procedures. A call by a local "housewives committee", etc. as to why they are hostile to human rights or in favor of psychiatric butchery and getting them in the press with it and with no mention of us is good PRO.”

I doubt Mr. Hubbard knew who he would be fucking with when he wrote that. I am Zero; Tom Cruise, fuck off. Try me. Bring it. Do your best to discredit me and make me disappear. It won’t happen. My readers don’t give two shits about you or your stupid religion. They feel the same way as I do about your cockamamie, bullshit story that you have tried to pass off as a religion for the past 50 years.

As a matter of fact, I wonder how they would like a taste of their own medicine. That’s right, I wonder how they would like the dirty tactics they use on otherwise respectable journalists who try to expose their bullshit used on them? Email floods maybe? DD0s attacks? Maybe just a bunch of us showing up at their stupid churches and kicking some ass?

That’s all illegal, and I could never advocate illegal activities. I have a better idea. I herby challenge Tom Cruise to a boxing match. Yes Tom, I am saying I can kick your ass and I don’t need three rounds to do it in. You will be begging for the towel by the middle of round one. We’re about the same size, same weight and all that, it will be totally fair. If Tom beats me, I will never write again. Come on tom, unless of course you are a pussy…

Of course, I am just an insignificant internet writer. The people who read my work aren’t the kind who has tons of extra dough. They are like me, just normal people trying to make it in this fucked up world. Why would someone like Tom Cruise care what we think about him? Why would he give two shits about what a hack like me has to say?

First of all because him and his cronies are a violent religion. I count them worse than the Muslims or the Christians. Plus, he has the advantage. He has the money to buy the best training in the world. All I have is some guys I know that run a fight club every Monday at a bar here in Denver. Also, I smoke like a god damn locomotive. The Vegas odds makers will definitely have Tom in two. He is mission impossible, the last time I had a fight I was drunk two years ago.

He has the clear advantage. He supposedly has “god-like” powers from reaching the highest level of scientology. It would prove that his religion is right if he could devastate me with one punch. Little does he know, pirates don’t go down so easily. It didn’t have to be me, it could be any random dude on this site. But since I am the self proclaimed leader, I will fight the wars I declare on the front lines.

So, why would he agree to something like this? Because I am representative of the millions (and millions) of people who are not only dissing his stupid religion but also downloading his stupid movies for free. I stand at the front of the people he hates. Besides, I’m mocking his religion. I’m calling them all pansies!

As an under card, any of his fellow douchebags that want a piece can take on one of the random pirate ninjas that frequent this site. We will sweep the matches and prove that their god-like powers are crap used to sell t-shirts. Mr. Womp, our resident kicker of asses, has officially issued his own challenge for this editorial to John Travolta.

We declared war a while ago, now we have issued a challenge and await a response. A non response is the same as a victory for us. If we don’t get some kind of an answer in the next week, we will consider them yellow.

Not that we don’t already.

In closing, I would like to thank the good folks at and


Time To Create A New Sporting Event

This is a new millennium. Things have changed since the inception of our illustrious group of sports. Our athletes have gotten bigger, faster, and stronger. It takes more to entertain the people nowadays. Even the gladiator battles of old would not suffice to keep the majority of the public satisfied for longer than it takes to change the channel. I propose a change.

We need a new sport. I have devised one, an event that reflects the changes in our society and allows for stiffer competition and more entertaining television. No more of this pussy soccer or football. Even the UFC will pale in comparison. Times have changed; it is far past the moment when our sporting events should reflect that.

Teams will be comprised of convicts, gamers, and strippers. The arena will be a 30 acre plot, littered with broken glass, junked cars, and old neon signs. Hidden throughout will be various sharp and blunt objects, Molotov cocktails, vials of Anthrax, and nun chucks. There will also be an AK-47 randomly placed, rigged to a large hive of coke fed, pissed off, hyped up wasps.

The strippers and the convicts will be implanted with control chips. The gamers will be given high powered laptops and full control over one convict and one stripper each. It will almost play like a video game, with the strippers and convicts being controlled by the gamers using specific programs placed on the laptops, with a very sharp difference. The gamers, like the convicts and the strippers, will be placed in the same arena as the others and also be susceptible to attack.

For every convict that goes down, a random pack of wild animals injected with rabies will be released into the arena. When a stripper goes down, random explosives will be set off. For every gamer who is eaten, stabbed, or otherwise incapacitated, two members of a South American cannibal tribe will be given spears and let loose.

Along with the basic rules, the following perils will be added; disgruntled roofers hanging out of helicopters firing nail guns at whoever they see, random poisoned food everywhere after contestants are starved for a week prior, every piece of metal will be painted red and every third one will be heated to the color red, no shoes, no shirts, no belts, and companys will be given the option of buying hidden land mines and commercials will only be shown when a contestant is blown to pieces by one of them.

Seventeen competitors from each position (gamers, strippers, and convicts) will be involved in every match. Once a player has died, his or her DNA will be used to clone them so they can continue the season. The season will be two years, with three weeks off. Journalists will be allowed to cover each match only if they can survive in the arena for the duration. Matches will go on as long as they have to.

There are three rules: Having sex with dead strippers is disallowed, working together is limited to fighting off wild animals, and only the last team standing is declared the winner. Cameras will be placed throughout the arena and feeds provided on the internet and public access television for free. The viewer will control their own experience with the ability to change cameras at will. When it is possible that a kill is about to take place, all cameras will be auto switched to that area.

Forget arguing over soccer and football and which is better, they are both full of pansies compared to the participants in the arena.


ShoutWire Declares War!

This is nothing less than a declaration of war.

The people of SW, including all 40,000+ members, have undemocratically elected me as their leader. My first order of business is to take us to war. As far as I know, this has never been done before. A website has never declared war on a country. Sure, many of us won’t make it back, and that’s because many of us will never get off our computers to fight. We are just that lazy. We are the type to declare war and not show up.

Who will be our enemy in this historic endeavor? Ah, good thing you asked. I happen to have a list of infidels right here in front of me…

First on the list are the people of Monaco. All 31,000 of them. Our demands? Naked pictures of their princess. We have them by nearly 10,000 people. We could storm their beaches right now and they would have no choice but to give up or shoot at us. Seeing as how I know at least two staff members have more guns than the Israelis and like to shoot stuff, it is a good bet they won’t even get two shots off. Beware, government of Monaco, the people of SW will show no mercy on your munchies stash.

Next we have the small country known as the Pitcaim Islands. This country is so obscure that Microsoft word doesn’t even recognize its name. They have all of 47 people. More people can be seen in our comments section than their entire population. Recently, one of their citizens has been seen outside the country buying fruit. We will not allow their aggression to go unchecked.

Then we have France. No one likes them anyways. Wait, wait, this just in. Ten seconds after I wrote that sentence, the French government has declared their surrender. This means we can now boss French people around. Get me some coffee, Pierre, and make it snappy or we will paint the Eiffel tower neon green and make your women shave their pits.

We will then go to war with “Ze Germans”. We are only doing this because everyone else has and we would feel left out if we didn’t have at least one war with them. We will invade seeing as how they got beer and brats. Instead of guns, we will bring charcoal and frosted mugs. Let it be known now that if they can’t provide sufficient lighter fluid, there will be hell to be paid!

We will then declare war on Israel and Lebanon. Seeing as how we do not have anything to bomb, we win by default. I know, we have a lot of Israeli and Lebanese members, and they will be spared and given free boobies to comfort them after their respective countries are beaten. We are not animals.

The final country isn’t really a country at all. Scientology, feel our wrath. We will roam the land in traveling bands of internet users making fun of these guys and sleeping with their women. This could be the most grueling part of our war on the world. Many will suffer, some will get STD’s. However, we must persevere. Women like Katie Holmes are counting on us to save them from the cult leaders. If we let them down, we’re only letting down ourselves.

Gear up, fellas. It is time to rock.


Animals Planning Terrorist Attack!

Strange things are going on all around us. Wasps building gigantic nests in Alabama, Psycho raccoons attacking Olympia, and squirrels handing out beat downs all over the world. The signs are everywhere, but no one is paying attention.

Are the animals planning a terrorist attack?

All signs point to the fact that various creatures in nature are gearing up for something big. Over the past hundred or so years, they have strategically placed themselves in our national and city parks, urban and suburban neighborhoods, schoolyards, playgrounds, and empty fields everywhere. They have meticulously infiltrated every aspect of our society causing little to no attention.

They have begun with small strikes and silent surveillance. They work through an elaborate system of interspecies communication with codes that are impossible for even our best cryptologist to crack. Have you seen the fly on the wall during your last secret ninja meetings? Noticing more crabs on the beach while your pirate crew is planning their next raid? They know what we are doing at all times. No place is safe.

It is painfully obvious that something foul is going on. We can only speculate which evil species is behind it all. Could it be the dolphins? They have never quite gotten over the fact that Flipper was canceled without notice. Maybe it is the cockroaches? They are virtually indestructible and have ceased to need humans anymore. It could even be the final wooly mammoth backing the insurgency from hiding. Scientists have recently made some noise about bringing that species back, one has to ask under whose influence they were working.

We know it is coming, but will we be ready when it finally does? They have us in numbers many times over. We have the technology, but will that be enough? Some may believe the key will be finding this rumored wooly mammoth character while others will take the “Kill Them All” approach. We definitely have experience; most of us have been killing animals in one way or the other since we were wee lads. But can we handle an all out attack?

While the majority of these terrorists are small and insignificant, some of them are huge and will bite a human in half. Ever been chased by a rhino? We may have to nuke the rain forests, gas the zoos, and outlaw pet stores. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

We must also keep a close eye on the plants; we can not be sure exactly whose side they are on. Are they part of the threat as well? Can we trust our chronic? Things may get very serious for us if the houseplants and various species of hallucinogens join the animal revolution. They could very well be a deciding factor in the outcome of the coming conflict.

One last thing: Strippers are not dancers; they are whores. It should be illegal for strippers to call themselves dancers.


Colorado To Vote On Legalizing Marijuana

Last year, the city of Denver, Colorado, legalized the possession of under an ounce of marijuana within city limits. This was more of a symbolic victory, as nothing really changed. The cops were still handing out tickets and taking away sacks under the precedent that state law, which still has marijuana as an illegal substance, supersedes city law.

That could all change this November. SAFER, the organization that pushed the first initiative last year, has once again triumphed in bringing this to another vote. A proposed state wide decriminalization of marijuana will be voted on by the good folks of Colorado when the polls open up in few short weeks.

I know what you are thinking, and yes, it is sweet, but chickens should not be counted before they are hatched. While Denver is more of a liberal city, Colorado itself is a conservative state. This initiative has been on the ballot before and failed. This time it will not be the “hippies” Cartman is always talking about who decide the vote, but it will be the small mountain towns and folks like Mr. Garrison who are convinced that “Marijuana is bad” who will have the most influence.

Nearly the same proposal was defeated by a slim margin in the late 90’s. A lot has happened since then, what with 9-11 and the war in Iraq. It will be interesting to see how the events of the past few years have affected the small town voters.

Another factor that could decide things is the youth vote. Younger people are notorious non voters, and the only thing that is for sure here is that this initiative will either pass or fail by a only a percentage point or two. The turnout for the 18-24 year old age group could provide just the push Mary Jane and her merry men are looking for.

Also there is the possibility of a major terror attack taking place before the vote. It is hard to tell how that would affect things. On one hand it might make people realize there are much worse problems we need to be spending our money on than marijuana, while on the other hand it might also be the catalyst to enforce stricter laws on the American public for “our own good”. One can only speculate at this point. The next few months will tell the story only as it unfolds and not a second sooner.

Until then, I am going to smoke this big pile of weed I got on my table while staring out my window at the great Rocky Mountains, not giving two shits about the man or his stinking law.


Angelina Jolie/ Kate Beckinsale Nude

I cried wolf once. This time I deliver. They aren’t the greatest pics in the world, but I’m not exactly Hugh Hefner over here.

Now spank it really quick and let’s get on with the ban report.

You may have noticed that the amount of Israel/Lebanon and 9-11 articles is slowly dropping. This is due to trigger happy admins who are as sick of the bullshit as you are and are deleting them. If you are one of the users that has had a post deleted, we appreciate the time you took to post however we would appreciate it more if you posted something on a subject that hasn’t been beaten to death.

As for banning, it has been kind of slow lately. A user called “Skyjack” got a ban from a disgruntled admin after calling us all “Dirty niggers”. The note left next to his username in our database after the ban sarcastically read “Guilty as charged”. Another user by the name of Jsizzle was banned after repeated warnings for him not to be such a troll failed to reach any part of his brain. Other than that we haven’t had any really good troll action for a few weeks now.

Apart from those two jackasses, close to 80 spammers were banned. It will never cease to amaze me how many people think SW is a good place to sell car insurance. Imagine two guys standing by a water cooler. One guy says to the other “I got some good news, Phil. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by visiting ShoutWire.”

After one of their own got a verbal beat down, a certain group of bloggers have decided not to use SW anymore. I guess that some people do learn. Still, it sounds to good to be true, we will have to give it a couple of weeks to see if they weren’t just acting out like little girls crying really loud until they either get their way or their parents smack the shit out of them and they have to get back in line or else.

In closing, I have to say that this was a really boring ban report. The jackasses nowadays just aren’t as colorful as the ones we had in the beginning. It almost makes one yearn for the days of old, when every other day someone would commit some sort of funny douchebaggery.



The Next Big Terror Attack

Break out the bat signal, word is that Osama is planning a new publicity stunt. Or, depending on whom you talk to about it, it could be the US government plotting which big thing to blow up next. Personally, I think Hollywood has something to do with it. (Damn you, Kevin Bacon, I’m on to you!) The only thing the conspiracy theorists and government apologists can agree upon is that something big is bound to happen soon. That and the fact that only a fool would eat a steak without A-1.

What is sad is the fact that it is in no ones best interest to do anything to stop it. An attack would only serve to further the cause of the Bush Administration in their quest for infinite power in the galaxy while at the same time giving fat chumps like Michael Moore another million dollar movie topic to help fill his fat man fridge with Twinkies. Osama will once again be loved by little Muslim kids all over the world and Hollywood will make a sequel to their latest crap fest and rake in a nice sized chunk of change on the good name of Nic Cage. Also, as we all know, anytime anything happens anywhere the oil companies raise the gas prices through the roof. Hell, it might even give old Fred Durst a chance to rise from obscurity once again to ask us “What’s going on?”

The sad truth is this; the bigger the tragedy, the bigger the profit. The more people that die, the more people that will make money. Far too much is riding on this for it to be half assed. The next attack will literally be worth billions. It is coming, just out of sight, creeping over the horizon on that other side of the hill. A lot of money has been spent in the past five years, enough to get people use to living good. Now that well is running dry and there is only one way to fill it again. Blow up a whole lot of innocent people and sell those cheap little American flags to idiots everywhere so they can show their neighbors how patriotic they are by planting it on their front lawn and behind their windows for all to see.

Of course I can’t prove any of this, but what fun would it be if I could? By the end of this year I believe something big is going to happen. A lot of people are going to die. There is nothing that is going to be done to try to stop it because frankly, there is too much money at stake. Nothing has changed since 2001, all the same players are still running the game, sans Saddam, the first round loser, whom I don’t believe had an inkling of a clue in the first place the size of the stick he was about to get rammed up his ass. Of course Israel will blame Hezbollah, as is their custom, and Bush will decide he is a cowboy and give the order to take them out. All hell will break loose and, at least for those in control of the situation, money will fall from the sky like the three pointers that Reggie Miller use to rain down upon the Knicks.

But hey, maybe I’m wrong and it will be all happy fun candy land this Christmas. Maybe the people of this world will finally see the error of their ways and decide to instead work together to feed the poor kids some nice turkey on Christmas Eve and help to make sure the Transformers movie is decent.

Yeah, and maybe Rudolph the red nosed reindeer will fly out of my ass. Stranger things have happened.

Authors note: Wait, no they haven’t. That wasn’t a real reindeer; it was the mushrooms fucking with me.


Girls Don’t Like Boys, Girls Like Cars And Money

1. Girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money
We all know about this one. It is the reason you never see a really hot woman riding the bus or standing in line at the local soup kitchen. Nearly every bad event in your life will usually be followed by losing your girlfriend. Wreck your car? Lose your house? Expect to get “the call”.

2. They know within the first two minutes whether or not they are going to sleep with you
I am not exactly sure what it is, hell, not even our greatest scientific minds can figure this one out, but every woman you meet judges you on the first two minutes. She immediately knows whether or not you will be hitting the skins later on that night, or ever for that matter. It is strange how this works, but if you corner a woman who has already decided not to sleep with you, she will admit to it.

3. Confidence is a better attribute than money
Seemingly contradicting number one, this is but one of the many oddities we, as men, must deal with. The ugliest, fattest, poorest man in the world can sleep with the hottest woman if he just knows what he is doing. Unfortunately, most of us who are not fat, ugly, or broke have no idea what the hell we are doing, thus creating unbalance in the universe and a disturbance in the force.

4. They want you to be an asshole
For some reason, if you don’t call or show any interest whatsoever in a woman, she will end up wanting you more. This proves true the old adage “people want what they can’t have”. The best way to get a woman interested in you is to make her think that you aren’t.

5. Size does matter
A dirty lie told by all women. If you have ever heard this from one of your girlfriends, it means she has had bigger cock and that’s what she thinks about when you are fucking her. If you have never heard it, then that means you are the guy that she thinks about when she is fucking her current boyfriend. It is a lose-lose situation either way.

6. They want to change you
Nothing is better for a woman than to feel she has tamed the beast. Sure, she may think it is “cute” now that you have pizza boxes all over your coffee table and like to get shit drunk every Tuesday just because, but trust me, deep down inside, she is plotting your beer-free future.

7. They want you to listen, they don’t want to listen to you
Ever try talking to a woman about sports or computer games? See that far off look in her eyes? Yeah, she may be in the same room with you but her mind is not even in the same universe. Trust me, if she isn’t talking, she isn’t listening either.

8. Women remember everything
Remember that time three years ago, before you even met her, when you made that off color comment about Angelina Jolies breast's? Of course not, but somewhere in the vast database of the female mind, the girl you are with right now remembers. Even if she wasn’t there, she remembers. You will never live down anything you have ever done. Another seemingly contradictory rule, it is more like a secret weapon they use to make it look like rule number seven doesn’t apply.

9. They will end up knowing more about you than your mother
You know that thing you do every time you lie? Of course not, but she does. No embarrassing habit, no matter how small it is, will go unnoticed. You can bet her friends and family probably knows all about them too.

10. Women have secrets
The sky is blue, water is wet, and women have secrets. Joe Hollenbeck’s wise words still echo through my mind as they did the first time I ever saw that great movie. No matter how honest you think she is, there is always some skeleton gathering dust that you will never, nor ever want to, know about.

Now that you have read these rules, you are still no better off than you were before. We will never understand women. Never.


Zero’s Twisted Mind: “Let’s Go Back To Fighting With Swords!”

There was a time, centuries ago, when war meant you had to find the other guy and run him through with three feet of cold steel if you wanted to be declared the victor. No smart bombs, no GPS, not even guns. Just a bunch of riled up mean looking guys who haven’t showered in a long time and some pointy metal objects to stick each other with. Sometimes the odd man would get set on fire. Shanking was all in good fun.

Those days are long gone. In this new age of technology, a guy could blow up an entire village without ever having to set foot in the country it once called home. A few hundred years ago, that same guy would have to show up like Rambo with a ninja ax and cut everyone to their faces. That takes balls, not only that, but it also takes a real sickness. A level of dedication must be reached for an undertaking like that. That is a place not a lot of people are willing to go. Taking away the guns and bombs would separate the men from the guys who are just trying to get money for college.

I know what you are thinking, and of course it is gruesome. War isn’t supposed to look pretty. You could watch the guy beside you get cut and die over a month’s long period from gangrene. Don’t expect to keep all your limbs either. Also, make sure to get plenty of fluids in you before the battle because “timeouts” are not allowed. Oh, and if your team loses, don’t expect a rematch. You will all most likely be dead. Not nice dead. Head-chopped-off-in-a-ditch dead.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying get rid of technology completely from warfare. I think we should have cameras stationed everywhere so we can all watch the bloody goodness. As a matter of fact we should all be forced to watch it. This is the type of warfare that you must see the direct actions of up close in order to fully appreciate. If we all got to be a part of the fun maybe then we would research just a little bit before voting on our elected officials.

Maybe we wouldn’t be so patriotic if we got to see little Jimmy from down the block get drawn and quartered by a mob of large, smelly, bearded men. Or maybe it would be just the opposite that disturbs us. What if we get to see little Jimmy go psycho and murder a bunch of guys “Deliverance” style, farm sex and all? Not a pretty mental picture, is it?

I say we put down the guns. Fight it out like men and make everyone watch. Kids, old people, prostitutes, Superman’s grandmother, even the people who aren’t involved. The only way to create peace is to show the world what war really is.

We could always take heart in the fact that if this didn’t create a nice, peaceful Earth in a hurry, then the human race is destined to destroy itself anyways. At least then we would know for sure.


Ten Reasons Why Israel And Lebanon Both Suck

1. They are both too far away.
If I can’t throw a rock and hit you in the head from where I’m standing, you don’t merit the entire front page of SW. Call me American, but that’s just how I feel.

2. Neither has a hockey team…
This is probably because they don’t have much ice, but still. I would be much more sympathetic to their causes if one of my beloved Avalanche players was traded to the Middle East for a Stanley Cup run.

3. Haven’t they been fighting for years anyways?
Since I was a kid anyways, and I’m 28. During the time they have been glaring across the border at each other, many countries have went to war and gotten over it. These people will not quit until they are dead. I say let them go at it.

4. I’m not a big fan of the desert.
It is hot, there is sand everywhere, and if the whole thing blew up, it would look no different. Maybe if they put some grass down, perhaps a few trees, and had a dollar margarita night like Casa Bonita’s, my tune would change.

5. People are dying here in the US…
We can’t even stop people from killing each other over crack in our own cities, what makes us think we can make any kind of a difference halfway around the world?

6. Neither has had a good party in years…
It is not like either place is a strong tourist destination. Like I said before, without the dollar margaritas, it really just doesn’t bother me if they blow each other up.

7. They don’t produce anything I care about…
My cell phone does not say “made in Israel” on it. Taiwan, Japan, China, and Mexico, now those are countries we should worry about. Neither Isreal nor Lebanon supplies us with cheap, quality electronic components. Until they get off their lazy asses and do so, they just don’t merit our attention.

8. Their food sucks…
Let’s face it, it is not exactly like they are producing quality burritos. Kosher is Israeli for “no taste”.

9. I knew a Lebanese guy once…
He was an asshole, and I think he still owes me some money. If you are reading this, fuck you, Kumar. Ok, maybe he was Pakistani or something.

10. They take up the entire front page of SW…
Yeah, you can’t tell me I’m the only one sick of this crap. Isn’t there some kind of discussion board somewhere for this kind of shit? Jesus fucking Christ people.


Spiderman Unmasked

Last month, in a stunning move by Marvel Comics, everyone’s favorite wall-crawler unmasked himself. In the comic “Civil War” no. 2, Spiderman called a press conference in Times Square and announced “My name is Peter Parker, and I have been Spiderman since I was 15 years old. Any questions?”

At first it seemed like unprintable blasphemy. Spiderman is hands down the most popular superhero of all time. A lot of us spent a good portion of our young lives reading his comics. We feel like we know him as an old friend. It is almost as if we grew up with him. In a perfect world, his exploits would be considered classic American literature. Even those who do not partake in the comic genre still know of him and the story behind the man.

It is all different now. Our children and grandchildren will not know the same Spidey. We knew Peter Parker as just a regular guy. He was a photographer then a teacher in the later years. He had real world problems that we could relate to. It was the human element about him that we all loved. Now, it seems, that may be gone forever.

It is not the first major change to the beloved comic book characters life since his inception in 1968. Many characters have been killed off. The final battle between Spiderman and the Green Goblin in the first movie was almost a frame by frame playback of the comic in which Gwen Stacy (Pete’s first love) died. The only difference is the fall didn’t kill Mary Jane before she hit the ground, as it did Ms. Stacy. Death has been a reoccurring theme in the wall-crawlers career since the beginning, but never have we seen anything that will impact the marvel world as much as this.

It is not just the comics that are changed. The character will never be the same again. The Peter Parker we once knew and loved is now gone. Now, it is only time that will tell whether the good writers at Marvel Comics can save our greatest hero from the worst peril he has ever faced: the writers at Marvel Comics.


Interview With Jesus

Jesus is not an easy person to track down. Oh, they will tell you he is everywhere, but finding him and securing an interview is like trying to find Santa at a hardware store in the middle of July. I finally caught up with him in a bar just south of the Peruvian/ Columbian border and traded two tequilas and a cheap whore for an interview.

Zero: So, what made you do it? I mean the whole religion business and all that.

Jesus: Well, Bob, it is not something I had intended from the start. Back when I started out, guys like Zeus and Apollo had a corner on the market. They had temples and harems of women. I delivered fish in the desert. One day I backed over a guy while I was dropping off a load to a crowd of people and the next thing I know they are calling me the messiah. To make a long story short, being the son of God is a little bit of an upgrade from handling dead fish, so I made up a back story and went with it. Word of me spread like wildfire. People were a lot easier to fool before cable news and the internet came along.

Zero: That’s cool, but my name isn’t Bob. So, if it was all a hoax, what about the miracles and the whole crucifixion thing?

Jesus: The miracles were all smoke and mirrors. I had hired some actors to convince people they were sick or diseased and then I would come in, say something wise, lay my hands on them, and they would get “better”. We worked hundreds of dumb villagers for everything from their livestock to their daughters. Those were really good times.

The crucifixion is another story. You see, there were only so many little villages around the desert at that time. We got too well known. One night I was sitting around the campfire with Judas and some Romans drinking wine and smoking opium and we came up with a little plan. I can’t really go in to specifics, but let’s just say that while that other guy was rotting on the cross, I was laying down with a couple of busty maid servants in the Emperors private chamber. They buried that poor schmuck in a cave, then, three days later I show back up and the rest is history.

Zero: Wow. That is an incredibly wicked lie to perpetrate on people. Don’t you feel some sense of responsibility for the hundreds of years of war that lie has caused?

Jesus: Not really, Bob…

Zero: My name is not Bob.

Jesus: Like I was saying, not really Bob. If it wasn’t me it would have been someone else. All the guys did it. Buddha, Mohammed, even that David Koresh guy got in on the act a few hundred years later. It’s all about business. I’m pulling in more than Bill Gates here, Bob. I got a store on every corner. And I’m not the only one making money here either. I’m sure you have noticed that your local pastor is not driving an old Honda…

Zero: You are a terrible, terrible man. I feel like just meeting you somehow made me a really bad person myself.

Jesus: It’s all about perspective, Bob. You’re not looking at the big picture here. I just did what every other asshole in my situation would have done. Someone has to take advantage of the people, if not me, who? Gandhi? He is a big pussy. Buddha? Sure, give it to a fat ass that claims to never eat. Thor was a tough one but he gave up all his rights to religious domination when he joined the Avengers.

Zero: I think Captain America would kick your ass…

Jesus: See, a few hundred years ago a mouth like that would have gotten you burned at the stake. Now you got all these god damn environmentalist hippie liberals out there who cry every time you try to drown a woman for witchcraft. I personally blame the Buddhists, but what can you do…

Zero: So, with all this money you are raking in, what in the blue hell are you doing way out here, in the jungles of South America?

Jesus: They don’t ask questions when the hookers disappear.

Zero: Well, this has been fun. I thank you for your time and wish you the best on your world domination thing.

Jesus: Didn’t you mention something about a couple of shots and a hooker?

Zero: I lied.


Headlines Of The Future

What if we woke up one day to a world where everyone was inspired to tell the truth? It is a crazy idea which would shake this Earth to its very foundations. Your wife might break down and tell you exactly what happened that drunken night back in college. You might get a call from your mother explaining to you the real reason your coach used to come over to practice with you every night. Usually when the truth is kept from you it is something you didn’t want to know in the first place. Try hacking into one of your ex's e-mail accounts and you will find out exactly what I mean.

While everyone’s personal lives may get turned upside down and inside out, imagine the headlines we would see in the press. Strictly for entertainment purposes, I have put together a collection of what these headlines might look like. I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoyed putting them together.

Bush Admits Bin Laden Connection
Washington, DC- In a hastily called press conference today, President Bush admitted that Osama Bin Laden was caught over six years ago and has been living in the white house basement this whole time in the guise of one Dick Cheney, who himself has been dead for over 20 years. “To be fair, I would have never let him move in if he didn’t bring the cocaine…”

Bonds: I Eat Them For Breakfast
San Francisco- Giants slugger and soon-to-be all time home run leader Barry Bonds admitted to steroid use today in a shocking revelation to his fans. “I like to chew them in pill form with my cheerios,” the slugger told the press after a 2-1 Giants loss to the Dodgers, “I actually have a needle sticking in my ass right now…”

AOL: “Yes, We Do Suck”
Internet- In a statement posted on their website today, the owners and operators of America Online have confirmed that all the programs they install on your computer are completely useless. “We will be changing our slogan,” a company spokesman said earlier today “From now on, it will be “AOL, when you just can’t get enough spy ware by looking at porn…”

Ashlee Simpson Camp Admits To No Talent
Hollywood- A spokeswoman for the young pop singer confirmed what people around the world have always known. “Actual talent has no place in the music industry,” the camp told the press this morning, “We get paid whether the “music” is good or not and it is just a bonus that we can get your daughters to dress like whores in the process…”

MPAA: Same Screenplay For Decades
Hollywood- “There hasn’t been an original screenplay since ‘Casablanca”, a spokesman for the Motion Picture Association of America said earlier. “We have simply changed the actors and renamed the same film for the past 40 years…”

Bill Gates Convicted Of Murder
Oregon- The founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, was arrested today after revealing what really happened to the people who made fun of him in high school. Police discovered the heads of seventeen men and one woman impaled on sticks in the computer mogul’s basement earlier today after an announcement by the Microsoft chief…

Hillary Admits To Her Own Affair
Arkansas- Former first lady and future presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, came clean today about an affair with Ellen DeGeneres of TV’s “Ellen” during the time of her husband’s sex scandal in the White House. “She was much better than Bill…”

Vatican: It Was All A Lie To Sell T-Shirts
Rome- In a stunning revelation today out of Rome, the Pope not only admitted that he still wore his old Nazi uniform to take baths in, he also revealed that Jesus was actually a wizard from another planet sent to steal our women and rule over our fashion industry…

Masterminds Behind The War In Iraq Revealed
Texas- CEO’s of eleven major oil companies released a statement today…

DEA: We Have Been Keeping All The Drugs For Ourselves
Washington, DC- “We have been having the greatest parties for the last thirty five years…”


Staffer Of ShoutWire Apologizes To Blogger

It seems earlier this week, a malicious article was posted on this site claiming ShoutWire promotes kiddy porn. After a heated discussion at one of the webmaster forums that likes to try to manipulate what you read here, the blogger in question demanded a front page apology and to be thanked for writing his crappy piece. In true SW fashion, here it is…

On behalf of ShoutWire, I want to say sorry. I'm sorry you are such an attention whore that you can’t stick to your own site and have to leech our bandwidth and user base. I am sorry you are such a bad writer that you had to do a poor job at imitating a tabloid. I'm also sorry you can’t handle words like “fuck” or “shit”. I hope you accept this apology, shine it up real nice, turn that son of a bitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass.

We are not here to cater to a self-promoting fool who believes his feelings are more important than the masses who read this great site. Maybe you should go back to the daycare where the nice teachers can protect your virgin ears from our blasphemies and leave this place for the big boys? No one here cares about your blog or the affiliation you claim to have with the big bad FOX news. We don’t give two shits about you or the celebrities you write about.

Another thing we also don’t give two shits about is your lame threat to label us as terrorists. I am a god damn American; you can’t call me a terrorist unless you live in Iraq. So someone somewhere may want to kick your ass for what you wrote on the internet. Join the club, buddy. No one knows how harsh the internet can be more than me. Two weeks after my mother passed away, some asshole here made a comment about fucking her. Did you see me cry and demand an apology? No, and do you want to know why? Because I, unlike you, know how to take a few bad words directed to me on the internet without going all "drama queen".

This guy only attacked ShoutWire because we are more popular than his gay little celebrity-affectionate blog. He thought it could get him a better site ranking (which is now 1,526,843) and maybe even a comment or two. Then, he posts about it on some obscure discussion board and when we call his bullshit, he demands an apology. This guy reminds me of the little weiner dog who snips and snips until the pit bull eats his punk ass. Even though he was completely and totally wrong in this situation and admitted it, he still wouldn’t leave well enough alone.

I’m not going to mention his name here because his blog doesn’t deserve any more attention. One thing I will do, just to show him there are no hard feelings, is to take up a collection for him. He must not be making enough money off that little blog of his to buy a box of tissues, because he is crying all over the internet. If everyone donates a nickel to my pay pal address, I will personally buy a box of Kleenex and have FedEx overnight it to his doorstep.

In closing, I would like to thank all the users who brought the ads to our attention in a civilized manner. I would also like to apologize to any user who may have clicked an ad and got something they didn’t expect. I also must say sorry for that Angelina Jolie / Kate Beckinsale thing last week. I still feel pretty bad about that.

Author's note to individual in question: Go ahead, write about me on your little blog. I’ll make you famous :)

EDIT: It has recently came to my attention that this guy is the one with the kiddie porn on his site. Jamie is only fifteen. Thanks for filling us in, Adamness.